Good times--Christmas Report

Much better than expected---ok that's the Reader's Digest Version. :-)

I had to work on Thursday while still finishing and putting things together for the kids, their mom and a couple of other people. I had been warned by my daughter that I might not be invited to the family (in-laws) dinner and I had sort of prepared myself for the disappointment mentally until I was asked to be there by her mom promising that there would be no drama (ha!).

Still just to make sure I wouldn't get a last minute surprise I grabbed the kids, took them to my place and had them open the presents I had for them. As I did this I was handed two boxes in a very non-consequential tone--kind of a "hey, I don't want to but here are your presents anyway"--nothing really outstanding; sure the gesture was certainly appreciated especially since I didn't have to actually write what I wanted, how much and where to get it and then having to actually go and get it myself as I had in the past couple of years....ok....Dinner with the family was nice, so was exchanging presents. When I was getting ready to leave, I pulled the kid's presents to their mom and then handed her mine. I think she was taken by surprise because she said: "OMG sorry we didn't get you something nicer" to which her mom immediately and without missing a beat said: "I'm sure he wasn't expecting anything from you anyway..." I just said my good nights and left without much more. Sure, no drama--(well, not much anyway).

I had made plans to attend a Midnight Christmas service. I'm glad someone had the sense to share this with me. I sat in an unfamiliar church listening to choirs, orchestra music, a tiny little sermon and right at midnight all lights were turned off, we had been handed candles and the pastor only kept one main candle on in the church from which he drew light to share to the other ones and the light made it all around the church in less than a minute. He had referenced The Savior, the Light of The World and how His light was shared to everyone, who then became our own light and enough to share with others. The illustration was brilliant and nothing like I had experienced before. Right after that we sang Silent Night and I lost it then. I sobbed uncontrollably, I'm sure letting all the anxieties and stresses of the season out. I hope I didn't freak the person who I was with too much, but he just held me there allowing me to just let it all out...

See, this person had surprised me a couple of days before with an extremely nice Christmas present, nothing I had possibly imagined or guessed and yet he had taken the time to listen and pay attention to enough details in my life to put it all together. I am amazed not only at the present itself but the time it took to concoct it all together, just for me... No one had ever done anything of that magnitude for me ever before, the gesture was far more impressive than anything.

---I don't mean to rag on my ex, but this is one of the things that we had not ever connected on, sure it is nice to give and get presents and other things in life, but year after year I had been either handed things just like the two boxes mentioned above or told to just go get whatever I had picked out, no sense that any thought/care had ever been given on my behalf and of course, I sat there and took this form of abuse because in my mind, I deserved it... For all I know I could have been happy with a box of matches, as long as there had been some kind of thought put into it. Sure I could have started doing the same thing myself, but in my mind, you don't do that to the person(s) that mean the most in your life -- but I digress...

I was shown so much love, not just by this person, but several other friends/family this season. I'm sure many of them must have imagined how hard it might be this time around and reached out to me. My heart was touched beyond words over and over with simple things like a call, a text, a Christmas card... I'm glad the experience was awesome and as I told someone, I was very worried about the anxiety and loneliness but instead I was surprised to be able to enjoy time to relax and rest, feeling more touched by everyone's care and reaching out with their own lights and making me feel very blessed!

Christmas wishes and dreams...

Last year about this time I was on a downward slope with my life. I hated everything about the season, I wanted to do nothing with people and to say that I was in a funk was putting it lightly; I was depressed.

What a difference a year makes. I wasn't sure I would ever come to the point I am in now. I always worried about the pain and angst that it would cause to come out, admit to my wife/kids who I really was, but my pain and angst were also starting to show by making their lives miserable (or so I'm told); so the best way to deal with it was to pull the Band-Aids I had been using to keep everything seemingly together and let the wounds bleed. Six months have gone by and sure, things are still difficult and uncertain to a point, but I feel full of hope and possibilities.

When the holiday season started I thought: "Oh no, here we go, depression just come in and take a spot in my life, let's see how I'm going to deal with you this year!". But instead I've found that it hasn't been that hard. Sure, it has been somewhat stressful and challenging but it is nothing like it has been in the past years. I have also tried to have a better attitude and just enjoy the times. Of course it has helped that I can focus on my kids, whatever little things I can do and ways I can show them I love them.

I have also been having strange dreams about my ex. The freak me out completely and I don't know what to make of them. Often times in the dreams I think: WTF? Why are we here, where are the kids? What's going on? and then it dawns on me that I'm dreaming and my alarm clock usually goes off shortly after that---What in the heck does REM sleep have to do with that? I guess I'll have to do some research about it... or not!

This posting is just all over the place, but hey, that's how my life usually runs anyway. I'm wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, hope that you all have a great season of love and good times!

December's Topic: When I knew

I'm following Abelard's monthly topic and I had a pretty good time reading Scrum Central's .

My earliest memory about this topic would be sitting in the men's locker room and realizing that there were naked men all around and I could not take my eyes off of them. I couldn't have been more than 8 or 9 years old...the feeling and sensation of that experience were something I'd never had before. The next time was probably a few years later (likely 12 or 13) when I opened my parent's Reader's Digest and there he was, an athlete (possibly a baseball or football player) in his red-colored briefs for an underwear ad...O M G !! The same feelings I had in the locker room came rushing back. If I had I hid that magazine and looked at that one page from time to time.

The feelings (or should I say the signs!!!) were all there, watching TV shows, I used to love to watch the Brady Bunch reruns because I had the biggest crush on Greg and Peter. I loved watching Little House on the Prairie because I loved watching Mr Ingels and Laura's husband, no other reason, LOL. Movies? Do I even have to go there? I likely spent the next few years watching hottie men on film and TV and crushing on them big time.

But for me when I probably realized I was gay and it wasn't going to change was about three months after I was married and feeling the lust after noticing a very handsome man---yeah that way--wanting to rip his clothes off and find out what it was all about. I should have paid attention much sooner, but hey, some of us are slow learners!!!

Thankful for...

Wow posting so much, I guess it is therapeutic.

1. I'm thankful for my current life. In spite of the ups and downs, I have learned a lot about myself in the last few months. Not everything has been good/fun, but not everything has been sad/bad. For the first time in a long, long time I feel a sense of happiness--yeah sure lots of uncertainty--but I feel that I am true to myself and others.

2. I'm thankful for my kids. I see how they adapt to their disrupted home life with a good face, they bring me so much joy and they bring me so much stress. I suppose they are the measure of how things are going in the areas that matter. I'm also thankful for their mom, she has been very reasonable these few months and that is more than I could ever hope for in a separation. I'm thankful for my family, I've come out to about 1/2 of them and they're still there for me. I'm sure the other 1/2 knows about me but we just haven't got around to talk one-on-one, all in good time and I don't expect things to be much different when I know for sure they all know.

3. I'm thankful for my Moho friends. I see our similar paths, experiences and circumstances and how our lives are enriched by each other even though I haven't met 90% of them in real life. I'm also thankful for my non-Moho friends (those that I've come out to and those that only know I'm going through a separation) for being a huge support system, my mentors, the people that will be there for me after a quick text and allowing me to finally be myself & for tolerating my quirks and criptic messages on Facebook, LOL.

4. There are so many things I can be thankful for (my dog, my jobs, my car, cable TV, my comfy place to live, "the internets"); that I can feel pain to remind make me apreciate the healthy and good times.

5. Finally I am really thankful because there is someone out there that I never expected would come into my life. I had not even considered the possibility of knowing/meeting someone so soon with everything else that is going on in my life and all its craziness. He makes me feel wanted & loved. We are very early in the stages of getting to know each other, I have no idea where is this going to go and my mind panics thinking of all the wrong reasons to even allow myself to go there, but my heart says just let it be, for what it is worth it may not amount to anything but the ride has been exciting and the rush highly intoxicating to the point bringing me to tears just thinking about it. If nothing else this person is showing me that I am capable of the kind of love so many out there think (& I myself thought) wasn't possible...we'll see where that goes... :)

Thankful!

Soy un exmisionero gay!

Si has encontrado my sitio buscando respuestas a tu vida, ¡bienvenido!

Quiero que sepas que no estas solo. Segun las estadisticas generales 1 en cada 10 personas en el mundo son homosexuales. En la iglesia mormona les gusta ponerlo en el contexto de "Atraccion al Mismo Sexo"--Si eso funciona para comenzar el proceso esta bien. Quizas te sientas abrumado, asustado, nervioso. A muchos nos lleva años el aceptarlo y esta bien, todo mundo tiene su propio tiempo para procesar las cosas.

El ser gay no es una sentencia de muerte o significa que vas a contraer SIDA, no significa que uno tiene que caminar por la vida en pelotas, no es una abominacion, pecado o mal de ningun tipo, solamente significa que le gustan las personas (fisicamente/emocionalmente) del mismo sexo. Que hacemos con esa informacion es lo importante.

Regresando al contexto mormon, la iglesia inclusive ya dice que no es pecado ser gay aunque no se atreven a aceptar que esta es una condicion de hereditaria o de desarrollo--depende mucho de a quien le preguntes. El problema segun las reglas de la iglesia es cuando uno actua en sus atracciones (relaciones sexuales) con personas de su mismo sexo--que es basicamente lo mismo que la fornicacion o el adulterio.

Muchas de las personas se ven en el dilema siguiente:

1. Me dedico a ser un mormon, no tener relaciones homosexuales por el resto de mi vida, quizas me case con una mujer (u hombre en caso de las lesbianas), tengo hijos e intento hacer una vida como la iglesia espera de mi.
2. Me dedico a ser un homosexual declarado, tengo relaciones sexuales, quizas busco pareja y echo todo lo que he aprendido, vivido, sentido por un lado, porque el vivir felizmente es lo mas importante, aunque eso signifique que mi familia me rechaze y la iglesia me excomulgue.

Muchos han tenido que hacer estas decisiones. Muchos mas las tendran que hacer. Siempre hay un precio que pagar, sin importar la direccion que quieras seguir. Ninguna decision es facil. En esta situacion no hay un manual que explique que es lo apropiado, porque todos somos diferentes, y la verdad es que ninguna de las decisiones es correcta o incorrecta, cada quien escoje su vida y aprende a vivir con ellas, pero lo mas imporante es que no estas solo...hay un mundo de personas como tu!!

The Holidays Are Here!!!

BFD!!!!!!!

Can I just forward all the way to Spring?

Seems kids don't have their Christmas wish lists done.
Their mom says they're just not all into it this year.

Never was a big fan of the holidays while we were together...seems things are not that much different now (damn if I do, damn if I don't kind of thing!).

I am going to have to find a way to celebrate and get the old spirit of the holidays a big thing for me again, it has been years since I've felt it. All the supposed peace, joy, merriment always felt like a total act, does anyone feel like I do or am I just weird that way?

November theme: A trip down memory lane

First of all, thanks to Mormon Enigma for thinking of fun things like this for all of us to participate in and share about each other's experiences.

I was thinking about what possible deep dark secret I could talk about and expose, a demon to face or dirty laundry air out, but my life is not that complex (I was raised a goody-two-shoes Mormon kid, 'nuff said!)--the deepest darkest secret of my life was me being gay and that is slowly but surely becoming more and more a reality, past that I think my life might actually be just like anyone else's if not actually boring!!

So in coming up with something to talk about the past, I decided to talk about my father. I am the third child in a household of of two boys + 7 (yes, you read that right) girls. Of course not all of us come from the same dad, took my mom 3 men to rack up that many children. My dad was her second husband. I don't know the details of how they met or what their married life was like because I was about 5 years old when they split up and my dad took me, one of my older sisters & my younger brother to live with him--to this day I don't know what posessed my mom to allow that--but we were really raised by my paternal grandmother or as much as she could do for us, my dad drove a truck all over the country so he was there maybe on weekends.

Whatever little I remember about him was that he was a practical & pragmatic man. He had a way with words and could express himself fairly easy. He was likely an extrovert & very easy going, he had friends all over the place. Sometimes I would get lucky to be taken on a work trip with him if I was not in school and I probably remember him being at his happiest showing me the world and the people he knew. He tried to teach me how to swim (although I failed miserably). He taught me how to write funny letters to my mom--yes, way back when people still actually wrote letters-- and I'm sure as much as I could understand he tried to take the best care of us in a way he could/knew how. We were poor, no doubt but probably had everything we needed and were provided as much as private school--years later my sister told me how he managed to do this to my amazement!! The bad side of my father was that he drank, smoked and lived a very unhealthy lifestyle--he wasn't LDS but knew somethings about the church through the family--. He would usually drank himself silly every weekend and once when he was drunk he bet on a game or something which caused him to get his head shaved in front of the whole neighborhood--yet he stood there and took it like a man--I was horribly embarrased of this, I do remember that much...

About six years later my mom (who had moved across the country) sent word for us to come and visit her (and her new husband/children) for the summer. Arriving to see mom was interesting, she had a nice house, nice car, nice life, nice husband, nice kids, what was not to like? We were asked if we wanted to stay and the obvious answer out of an 11 year old had to have been: Hell yeah!!! It is about this time that my family converted to the LDS Church. I'm sure that crushed my dad & it must have helped his life to spiral even more out of control. Gaining a new life as my mom called it gave me tons of resentment towards my dad & anything that had to do with him. I was taught by mom to forget the past and never go back and I did a great job at it!!! About three years later he passed away from a massive heart attack at about age 36. I remember being told about it and standing there totally numb & not wanting to go to the funeral until I was told that we were flying out that night to get there in time (the mind of a teenager, go figure!). I also remember not crying at the viewing or the funeral, I was there but damn if I was going to show anyone I had any feelings of love or loss. Indeed much was lost there, not just his life.

Sadly, my stepdad and I never really connected as a father and son, so the void just sat there forever. I hardly ever thought about my father after he died; again, I was taught not to go there and managed to suppress the thoughts of him, his family or anything having to do with him--that is until I became a father...suddenly thoughts of him and what he was or would be like surfaced back into my head & as I held my babies I finally mourned him. I wanted to know him, remember him, think of him. I wondered what he would be like as a grandpa, how he would be playing with my kids, what kind of advice he would give me growing up, choosing a career, making adult decisions. When I started asking questions from people who knew him (my mom & older sister) I was met with tons of resistance but it didn't stop me. About 5 years ago I traveled back to meet his family (2 uncles) after about 25 years of very intentional lack of contact by me. I didn't know what to expect, perhaps rejection, but instead I was welcomed with nothing but love. They told me they thought that they'd never see me again, they were happy to meet my family and I immediately melted in my uncles warm embraces. I spent time asking tons of questions, got to know him in the best way I could, through his siblings who were still alive. I took pictures of their pictures (they wouldn't share, LOL) and got to know him and where he came from.

Not all questions were answered but I was able to fill in a lot of gaps and questions from what I had been told by my mother and other people from whatever little I had known--finally lots of issues were put to rest. I was asked by a friend if I ever forgave my father...in retrospect I had nothing to forgive, again, he did whatever he could, the best way he knew how, perhaps I had to forgive myself for not reaching out to him and flatly rejecting him when I could have--he allowed me/taught me to write to my mom, don't know why I couldn't have written to him but hey I was learning to be perfect like Christ--oh the irony!! I have often wondered what would have the old man thought of learning that his son is a homo...I guess I'll never know but in my mind I'd like to think that he would have got the biggest kick out of it and likely would tell me to just be happy, whatever that meant. So today I honor that man; I remember very vague details of him, his laughter, the smell of him drinking/smoking, his getting his head shaved, but will cling to those memories because good or bad, that's all I remember about him.

Again, this has turned to be way, way long...

OGT (Obviously Gay Traits): Music

I was having lunch with a friend the other day at my house (no, not that kind of lunch!) and I plugged in my iPod to have background music while we cooked and ate. He mentioned that he really liked the songs on my random playlist--I have a collection of 80's, 90's, pop, ballads, touch of country, a couple of movie soundtracks, Latin pop (of course!) and thanks to my kid I even downloaded a few Miley Cyrus & Jonas Brothers. I really don't have a huge collection, but it is quite the variety--so my friend says, it is a cool music collection. I asked him to describe it thinking he'd say "very cool" and instead he says:

"It is so obviously gay!!"

I laughed out loud, but just to prove his point, this morning I added Maddona's Vogue and Abba's Dancing Queen to my playlist. Now my collection is not only obviously gay, it is "Fabulously Gay!!"

That gay card still hasn't arrived yet. Who's supposed to bring it to me? :0)

The most wonderful time of the year!

Well Halloween has fast become my favorite holiday!!!

Is it because of the costumes that allow everyone to be something they're may not be and yet in a weird way let that other being out, even if it is for just a couple of hours?

I have my kids to thank for liking Halloween. I never used to like it, but they got me started on dressing up and enjoying the festivities. This year's celebration started on Thursday, we dressed up at work and had a pretty good time and got to wear my Cat in the Hat Costume. Then on Friday my daughter and I had a Halloween party, mainly for her cousins--nothing too elaborate--but we had a pretty good time (again, same costume). Then yesterday I got to wear my outfit yet again at my part time job--anything to get out of wearing their uniform!! LOL--

We had a couple of possible options for the evening but since my 15-year old son's social life intervened we dropped him off at his friend's house, then my daughter and I hung out at Barnes & Noble, Starbucks, did a little shopping, then drove around a few neighborhoods to watch decorations, all along while talking about everything. I'm amazed a the knowledge and insights of my almost 11-year old daughter. I'm kind of sad she was forced to grow up so fast, but in my mind, she would have probably still be as mature and insightful no matter what (well, I'm biased, what can I say? LOL). Finally we gathered the son and I dropped them off at their moms.

Then the real Halloween fun started!!!

I had read that Alan from Scrum Central and Ezra were going to be at Scott and Sarah's party so I made a dash for their place to greet them (Don't worry I didn't lift Alan's kilt--even though I wanted to, LOL), but when I saw Ezra I told him I was there for his hugs, which he proceeded to give me quite a few of them while we chatted and of course I was in cloud-9!!! I got to see/greet others--The Geisha, Gumby, The Fairy, Robin Hood, Robin, the Devil and the Angel, the hottie Doctor and others; all great fun!!! I always enjoy meeting the Mohos even if it is for just a little bit!

My good friend had told me to call him when I got done running around so I did and he told me to meet him downtown, he was going to take me somewhere fun. I drove down and we ended up at a gay bar--my first time ever!!! If there was a perfect day for me to do this Halloween night was it! I was very anxious walking in, of course I got stared at in ways I'm not used to but that was probably the worst of it. We danced, hung out, people watched, danced, I stared back, and danced... all in good fun, not a drop of alcohol (not by me anyway!). Yeah there were weird ones--but hey it was Halloween--but the experience was awesome. I expected the bar to be littered with handsome and snotty 20-year old twinks in glitter (well a couple of them) but for the most part that wasn't the case at all. For this being my first time in a gay bar it was great!!

I must say that as fun as all of that was, the highlight of the night was running into one of the guys from work that I had talked previously about not being able to come out to---well running into me there took care of that!!! LOL, he kept coming around and hugging me and giving me this big grin, I think he wasn't exactly surprised, but I could see a little bit of the shock in his face.

So although I was a big fan of Halloween already, last night without a doubt bumped the holiday to the top of the list! How was your Halloween?

Couple coming out experiences

Recently at the farmer's market I ran into a friend (from my young adult days) who I normally see at public events like this. I was there with my kids her most natural question was to ask where was their mom? I told her not with us and moved on to other random conversation. The kids got bored--they usually do that when I run into old friends who start talking about how big they've got, etc, etc and moved on to other stands so I took the opportunity to mention the separation to which she was a bit surprised. I've been trying to make a conscious effort to come clean with people so I came out to her. She immediately gave me a hug and told me how much she loved me and respected me for this.

Great experience. Of course it helps that she is inactive, not married (she has lived with one of her lady mission companions for over 15 years--connect the dots, shall we?)

I recently also reconnected with another friend from the same group who now lives a few hours away. We had been messaging back/forth on email and last night I got a text message; again back/forth for about 15 minutes and I finally asked if I could call, thirty seconds later my phone rings and it is my friend on the line. We spent some time catching up and I felt prompted to come out, again good experience, lots of understanding and love. When I mentioned my journey and how I have arrived to where I am my friend said something that impressed me: "You need to stop referring to this as your problem. There's nothing wrong with you, nothing to fix and you need not apologize for who you are"--wow, I was speechless mainly because when I arrived to this conclusion I knew my life was never going to be same but to hear it from someone else somehow was a refreshing revelation.

Good experiences, good realizations!!

So how come I have only come out to women and not men (other than fellow Moho's of course)?!?!

I can't recall coming out to a male--heck I don't recall coming out to a couple of gay males at work, can't for the life of me bring it up. Perhaps the only ones I remember are my son and my brother, but they probably don't count, there's significant emotional involvement with those two and let's face it their love is unconditional. Seems I have a lot more work to do...

OctoberTheme: Where am I?

I want to have enough time to do this and not try to put something together on the last day of the month (besides, it will be Halloween!). I want to give it a fair amount of thought:

• How did you get to where you are today?

If anyone had asked me a year ago where I would be today I would have probably said:

"Yeah wishful thinking, but not likely."

I have written about my journey in roughly 32 blog posts here, hardly a journey compared to others. I probably have left way too many details out, but I think anyone who reads it will get the main point. I remember the first time I admitted to being gay a few years ago and immediately after that thinking: "Oh shit, I'm married and have children, what the heck am I going to do about this?" It wasn't easy to come out to myself it certainly wasn't easy to say it out loud to my wife; one of the hardest things I've ever done was telling my children, yet I am still here--I heard somewhere that pain is an indication that you're still alive. Well, I've been very alive for the last couple of years and especially the last few months. I certainly don't walk up to perfect strangers or even people I know and tell them I'm gay, but it is getting more and more comfortable to come out to people I know I can trust; it feels good and the experience has been positive so far.

• Are you happy with where you are? why or why not?

In spite of all the pain I've gone through and the pain I've afflicted loved ones with, I honestly can say that I am happier than I've been in many years. I have spent time with a therapist but no longer feel as much angst as I did a few months ago. I have been able to find and meet good influences in my life. I believe I have made peace with the LDS Church: I honor my background, I accept that it does/has good things, but honestly there's nothing in it that appeals my activity there, certainly not as a single, gay dad... this issue used to cause me a lot of conflict and pain but that's not the case anymore. Everyday gets better and better.

• Where do you see yourself in the future?

Well, not very different than now, to be honest. I'm still a dad, I still have responsibility to my children. I'd like to be able to have them understand more about where I come from. I'm sure they love me like I love them and I hope that we can have more dialogue about what it all means to us all. I'm still a son/brother and heck now I'm even an ex-husband--I'd like to see how all those relationships evolve with time. I'm still an employee--I have responsibilities to my employer and need to make a living, I don't see that changing very much. There are many things I'd like to do/see/try. I have my bucket list that still has lots of thins to cross off! I used to be scared-stiff about the thought of ever meeting someone that might catch my attention in a romantic way, but I suppose all in good time...

• What roadblocks do you have and/or have overcome?

I think the biggest roadblock was the one I created for myself and it was the most difficult/ugly to beat by fighting who I am and not accepting me. All the other issues I have dealt with have been minimal compared to dealing against myself.

• What advice do you have for others following a similar path that you have?

Things are certainly different now than they were 20 years ago (heck did I just say how old I am?!?--there goes the chance of meeting someone now!!! LOL). When I came home from my mission, the only logical path for me was marriage-- but nowadays that is not the case, things have certainly evolved and got better, because of many people who have made it possible. I think there are certainly lots of brave and amazing pioneers--just look at my blog list on the right and you'll read about them--the only thing I'd ever say to someone is be yourself, don't let yourself be guided by society's supposed rules of behavior, stand out. I've wondered if I would have ever got married if I had accepted who I was back then--not likely, things might be different but then again there are a lot of things/joys that came with marriage, the biggest one of them being my children. I know nowadays there are other ways to have children: Adoption, surrogacy and just even by raising nieces and nephews and heck if you do choose to get married to a woman go for it, but do it in full disclosure, let her make an informed decision, which I never allowed my ex to do. Love and let yourself be loved--

• What advice do you have for family and friends?

I'm queer, I'm here, deal with it!!!

Ok, just kidding---But I'm still here and I'm the same guy who cares about your life, your issues, the economy, the environment, health, etc. I don't want to re-decorate your home, or break out in show tunes. Whatever you've heard about how 'The Gays" are, I'm here to dispel the stereotypes. I don't have an agenda, I am not here to recruit your children. I still like to watch The Office, 30-Rock and Saturday Night Life! (Ok I'll admit that I took a quick/short peek at Glee, but honestly don't know enough about it to make any opinions--LOL)

Dang this went way long!!

Carolyn & Emily Pearson

I have been meaning to write about being able to meet and listen to these two extraordinary ladies at the past Affirmation Conference (almost two weeks ago)--and frankly, I want my masturbation post to fall off links! LOL)

I had attended a fireside by Carolyn many years ago in Houston, where her tone and way to communicate her message was interesting, nothing like I had ever heard from anyone at church, it was refreshing to hear someone talk with so much candor and be so much fun. Later on I read about her life-story and the book Good Bye-I Love You, then I learned about her daughter's story indirectly through her ex-husband's play Confessions of a Mormon Boy. I have never seen it, but would like to someday--but always wondered much about Emily's side of the story.

I attended Emily's class and she spoke mainly about her latest journey, she has left the LDS church, spent time being angry at the everything (I can relate to that), but somewhere her experiences became spiritual in many ways. I was very impressed about how she has come along and recovered from human devastation. Then, I got to hear Carolyn's keynote at Affirmation and I didn't come out disappointed. You can tell this lady has volumes of experiences to tell and things about her own life that most of us probably never begin to understand.

I was able to purchase two of Carolyn's books and got her to sign them. I devoured Good Bye I Love You in three days, but honestly the many of the chapters were hard to read, not because of the style or language, but because I kept wiping tears off my eyes repeatedly. I'm taking it a little easier on the other one No More Goodbyes, I get the things she talks about. Anyway I just wanted to pay tribute to these two extraordinary persons who touched my life many years ago and again, sitting and listening to them in person was just a great a treat!

Thoughts on Masturbation, before September ends:

What I really want to say is:

Works every time!!! That's all folks, carry on!

What I'm going to say is:

I used to make a point of never discussing sex in public, but I've come a long ways in the last few months, besides, if anyone really reads this blog it is very likely I've never met them and if I did, I no longer have the same issues, I have learned to discuss and share my life in new and open ways and that is good for me. I discovered masturbation long before my parents had the guts to bring up anything sexual to my attention. Who knew that a body part could bring so much entertainment to a curious kid. For the record (and my mother--even though she has no idea I write a blog), I was curious about males long before I discovered masturbation so the thought that it turns men gay is bunk.

I remember my mom walking into my room once and giving me a great deal of grief over my private activities, although I wasn't even exposed in any way, she just seemed to know what was going on and how to put an immediate stop to it, LOL. I do remember shortly after that my step-dad came to my room and in the most nervous possible way a man can talk to a 12 year old boy muttered something about: "you don't masturbate do you?" and when I answered no, he said, "well, don't do it" and left the room like a bat out of hell--and I wonder why I was never able to connect with the guy in real life about anything, oh well...

That was the extent of my sexual education at home, nothing more, nothing less. A couple of years later my mother (God bless her soul, her ears must be burning now)--dropped The Miracle of Forgiveness in my room--very likely the worst possible published book in LDS genre, but hey, what did I know, I was a master of many things, but not a literature critic--no other book has made me feel like a nasty, evil, dirty human being. I hope S. W. Kimball is roasting in hell on low heat for all the pain, sorrow he has caused the men (and women) of the LDS community with his diatribe. I went through the roller coaster during my teens, could abstain for a few days but would fall again, feeling like no progress could ever be made. I always felt that the bishop could tell about my little dirty secret, but oddly enough I was never asked directly if I masturbated all the way through my teens and my mission, but one bishop did ask me at a student ward-the same bishop to who told me my "Same-sex attraction" would go away if only I just got married...sigh!

The only thing that made me feel more at ease was a pamphlet my health teacher gave me in high school that basically said that it was normal, 95% of boys did it and the other 5% lied--alright, that last part I invented, but it is possibly true too! Finally someone was talking some sense! Of course after married life my habits didn't really change and I was quite surprised that in spite of being able to have sex with my ex-wife (whose ears are now probably burning with no logical explanation ;0) --I still needed to masturbate occassionally.

Well a few years ago I finally stopped feeling guilty about it. I realize that it is a normal function of a human being-male and/or female. I have made a point to explain to my kids that there's nothing wrong with masturbation, it is normal, it is not dirty, but it is to be kept in their personal space and even joke with my son about it sometimes--a far cry from what my parents, the church and Spencer W Kimball did to me. I no longer feel ashamed of it and hey:

IT STILL WORKS EVERY TIME FOLKS!!!

Believe it or not, this is the most I've ever talked openly about my sex life--or lack thereof in any forum, public or private, so huge breakthrough here!

OK everyone back to your knitting!

My big fat Mormon weekend...

I was lucky enough to attend this weekend's Affirmation Conference. I really wasn't sure what to expect but was looking forward to meeting an online friend that I had known for many years.

I have to admit that a couple of the classes felt a little too much like being back in Elder's quorum and yet it was amazing to see guys openly hugging and cuddling with their partners. There were other workshops that were very eye-opening and very life and hope-affirming. Not having actively attended LDS services for a while it was interesting to hear the old lingo, references to scriptures and culture in a gay context, but I was very much touched by stories and experiences of people who have been where I have, where I am currently and gave me a glimpse of how things could be in the future for me. I was impressed how easy it was to learn, laugh, cry and not have to feel self-conscious about it and see how talented many of the folks who participated in the conference. I was very impressed by the parents of many of the GLBT community who attended conference to support their children, or to present their points of view, the challenges they faced and the progress they have made with their families and communities. Big thumbs up for these folks!!!

I was especially touched by the Devotional today. Sitting in a room full of men (yeah there were ladies there too) singing with strong voices brought me down to tears as I remembered my old missionary days and sing along to emotional songs like "All Creatures of our God and King" and "Lord, I will Follow Thee"---which oddly enough are some of my favorite religious songs; watching again, partners putting arms around each other's waists, wiping each other tears off their eyes and just a feeling of pure love and good spirit, no one can tell me the attendees couldn't only have access to The Spirit, but share it in a way that I had not seen anywhere else in spite of their life situations.

--Damn Mormons and their way to put tear-jerking services like no one else!! ;-)

So it was a positive experience, making me realize that my Mormon past is a huge part of me, a big part of where I come from and what has helped me shape my life. I see this weekend as a way to tie all of that heritage together and heck, why not, celebrate it!! I kept looking around the room and thinking of many of the GLBT population who have chosen to leave the church (or who have got excommunicated) and can only think of the huge loss for the church and how much it would actually gain if only they considered the possibilities of working together (better decorated Temples and churches come to mind! LOL).

So that was my big-fat Mormon weekend. I had fun, met a lot of nice people from all walks of life, I laughed, I cried, I went home...would I consider attending again? I'll have to see where I am next year, but it never hurts to visit San Francisco and all the goodies it has to offer!

The dog hates my social life!

So I posted a Craigslist ad...

No, it isn't that kind of a CL posting. I actually posted an ad in the platonic section. Someone in their blog had mentioned having the kind of 'bromance' that helps make life easier. So I wrote that I wanted friends---not the kind with benefits---but friends to do some activities, hang, do things and be able have good experiences.

I had to weed through some of the responses, some wanted to meet me right away, some wanted to get pictures and even though I had explicitly posted not wanting to go in the direction of a hook up, several hinted in that direction...ummmhh, no thanks... Well one never knows what might come out of these things and it has been an interesting experiment. Most of the people who responded by now have actually got bored and faded away but I've been able to make friendships with two guys:

One older than I, has grown children, actually attends his home ward but his social life is not in the church--I met him and he is one of the best persons I've found; sincere but fun, serious yet funny and has a lot of great insights in life and how to approach it. He has invited me to a few events where I've met other people with fascinating lives and has been a great experience.

The other guy is about my age, divorced dad and has a partner. We corresponded back and forth for several weeks until we met in person (met his partner briefly too). Although we had exchanged a lot of good thoughts on email, the minute we met in person we became fast friends. There have only been less than a handful of people in my life that the minute I met them it it felt that we've been life-long friends and this guy fell right into this place. Talking to him is way comfortable, no holds barred, nothing shocks him, nothing makes him uncomfortable and the feeling is very reciprocal. He has been where I am not too long ago so he has literally taken the role of mentor in my life, has seen me cry and has made me laugh in a way that I hadn't laughed in a long time. I've told him that I should have my insurance company pay him for the breakthrough therapy and he even was able to coax me into doing something I had always wanted to do, but never had the guts to try (don't worry it is nothing nasty!):

Karaoke!!

Man... no one had ever accomplished this before, I told his partner that this guy is a keeper! So I was alluding to the fact that the dog hates that I'm not necessarily sitting at my apartment as I did initially and freaking out/wondering how I was going to get through a very difficult time of life. Don't worry the dog still gets plenty of attention...

I've made good online friends through this blog and have met a few fellow Mohos in person who very much helped me take initial steps while I started contemplating coming out, who watched out for me when I went through my separation and check up on me to this day still. I had initially questioned my sanity for posting an ad but if nothing else having met these two fascinating men have opened my eyes in many different ways. So that's probably one of the reasons I haven't posted much--I've been a little busy expanding out of my comfort zone and finding the good friendships and influences that my therapist suggested I get. Not to say that life is bliss now, there are still many daily challenges to face, many things that I've perhaps not even thought about, but having the kind of friends I've been lucky to find makes life easier to deal with.

So I highly recommend that everyone gets one, or two!!! :0)

A Sense of calm and few other thoughts

I haven't really had much to post about. Seems that I get busy with the kids, work, family, friends and everything else I don't know if that is how life is supposed to turn out...I suppose I should be grateful that things aren't crazier!!!

The initial angst and pain seems to be subsiding some, I am finally starting to sleep better at night and the initial shock of finding myself alone and desperate for a reason to go on is not as bad anymore. It must be true that time heals all wounds, of course it is only 2+months, notable differences and progress I suppose. One of the things that has worked for me has to focus on my children--talking to them, texting, being available for them (I've actually walked out of a couple of meetings when they've called, that's OK, I promised I would be there!). I've learned to set limits around my 'guilt spending' I started doing he first couple of weeks and they understand that. I've also focused on keeping healthy and I am now about 20 pounds lighter than I was even 6 months ago. My in-laws keep asking me if I'm eating?? (well of course I'm eating!?! LOL). My diabetes is under control and for the first time since I've known my cholesterol is under 200. Now I am not saying that being married contributed to my being sick...

I don't know if this is what normal is---if anyone out there knows what normal is, would you please let me know or send me a link? :0)

But can't help to wonder if his is the calm before an imploding storm...

More later...

Special Friend

I got a call from one of my sisters last Wednesday night, out of the blue. I usually don't get these kinds of calls unless it is to share news or something similar so I found it odd. This particular sibling is the 2nd to the youngest. You know when you're a teenager with little siblings one of them usually attaches themselves to you and won't let you breathe unless they're there to see it happen? well that was her. Of course with age and families and life we've not kept the same kind of closeness but it isn't hard to pick things up where we left off.

After the general niceties she went on to ask if I was OK? I told her I was. She said that mom had mentioned my separation and she decided to call me to check up on me. So we spent the next 10-20 minutes talking about the separation, the kids, etc. From the conversation I could sense that she didn't know the 'real reason' so I asked her if mom had told her to which she replied no. So I went ahead and came out to her. Her response was very positive and non-judgmental. She voiced her support and best wishes and then she asked:

"Is there a special friend in your life?"<---is that like Mormon code for "Got a boyfriend?"

All I could do was laugh-out-loud and promptly responded NO although I consider many of my friends very special--but probably not in the way my sister was referring. Once we finished our conversation I got thinking will I have a "special friend" in my life down the road? Ever? The thought keeps creeping in my mind as I have gone out to meet other gay persons through activities and see how the young ones are so open in their display of affection --even at the friend level with each other and I'm sure this will make it easier for some of them to actually move their relationships further in a romantic way--and of course the occasional partnered couple. I'm sure in time all things are possible--in time...

So anyway, sorry to sidetrack so badly, that makes parents + 3 siblings that know about me. So far the responses are positive, but still have a ways to go. One of the disadvantages (or advantage, depending on how it can be looked at) is that most of them live out of town, so will work my way down slowly I suppose.

Selfishness

I've been thinking about this word for a few days and wanted to write about it.

Selfishness is the act of placing one's needs or desires above the needs or desires of others. In church terms it is quite the opposite of love and charity.

Many people argue that claiming to be gay is only because of being selfish, only wanting what works and is best for me. Sure, the homo world may be full of people like that and it might give us a bad rap, but not everyone is like that.

Still, am I a selfish turd because in my efforts to be happy I chose to marry and have children?

Am I now selfish because I finally have come to realize that marriage (well at least the hetero-kind) doesn't work for me and want to move on and pursue whatever happiness might mean?

The last thing I want to be labeled of is being selfish. It took a lot of blood, sweat and tears to keep myself hidden and suppresed. I believe I am paying a very high price for being true to myself with yet more sweat, blood and tears; but I don't see any other way.

In the end I guess we all have to answer to a God that knows the true intentions of our hearts. I guess it is just one of those things...

Reaching out

I want to publicly thank those who have reached out to me by email, phone and Facebook messages over the last couple of days. I will never cease to be grateful to have stumbled on this online community and pledge to pay forward the kindness and help anyone who should ever need it...

I was mainly touched by all my brothers/sisters in-law who have been checking on me and invited me to a barbecue this afternoon (my kids and their mom went out of town for the long weekend) as soon as I got there all my nieces/nephews swarmed around me and everyone was so welcoming and loving, I almost lost it but was able to hold the tears from the love they showed me when they didn't even have to.

Got to love people's capacity for human decency & going above and beyond!

Sweet (and sour) 16

This is going to be a total self-pity post, so if this irks you, just click out of it now.

Today would have been the 16th wedding anniversary. As far as I remember I was taught that someday I was going to be married in the temple. There was no room for negotiation on that, I never even gave it a thought to being married anywhere else. I strongly believe that even if someone had pinned me down and asked me to consider how was being gay going to affect the rest of my life I would have likely not listened to them. This was going to happen because that is what I was supposed to do.

We used to celebrate the first few anniversaries by dropping the kids off with grandma or someone and going through the Temple. Many of those times we were asked to be the witness couple and afterwards we'd have a nice lunch or dinner somewhere. It felt good to go back to where we started, gave us somewhat of a renewed focus. The last two or three years have been difficult to celebrate--I'm sure we both thought--celebrate what? The fact that we have no connection? The fact that we've somehow made it this far without wanting to kill each other? One year we actually took the kids to Lagoon and decided it would just be a special family day, exchange a trinket or something and that was about it...is that even a marriage? Ever dread arriving to the day to pay the mortgage or student loans? That's how the anniversary date has felt the last couple of years and I hated myself for feeling that way.

Last year instead of hearing "Happy Anniversary" I heard the words: "You're such a patient man"....mmmmmmh, OK?!?! Maybe hearing all those clues is what made me decide we were on a boat destined to sink. I don't know. I certainly am aware of all the things I kept secret and suppressed for many years until I couldn't do it anymore. I can't help but feel like an utter failure because didn't do, say and fought for that marriage hard enough. I have to take and accept my share of the blame and even in this despair question whether my life is better now or was I better off or in a miserable marriage and existence because at like they say "misery loves company". I suppose eventually this date will feel just like any other date, but this first time around it just feels like a knife that keeps digging and digging, so I think I'm just going to indulge my self-pity just for today.

:-(

Tired...

I feel exhausted, physically/mentally/emotionally.

I was discussing with my therapist that I've always felt like I should be doing something, sort of always running around non-stop, maybe running from something or someone. Even when I'm on vacation I'm always running--need to see everything I can; World's biggest ball of yarn? seen it! I can't seem to feel comfortable just relaxing.

She asked if I might be running from myself---hu? I have to think about this for a while...

But in the meantime I'm just plain ol' tired

Thinking too much?
Processing too much?
Worrying too much?
Dealing with too much?

How do I make myself stop and smell the roses?--heck forget smelling the roses, just stop!

How do you make yourself just stop and rest? I don't seem to have the ability to do that.

Cooking for 1 sucks!

I've made an effort to cook at home. Don't get me wrong, I love to eat out as much as the next person, but I need to save money to pay off debts and I also need to keep an eye on my diabetes. The best way I have been able to control it is by not eating out and exercise, but that means I have to think of ways to cook for 1.

I actually like cooking. I'm not a gourmet cook or anything, but I can make good dishes. The problem is that I'm used to cooking for at least 4 people and nowadays cooking for 4 would actually cost me more than eating out and I'd have leftovers that would never get eaten, even by the dog! I've experimented having things like rice, pasta, vegetables and grilled chicken. Some are already frozen and some I keep in containers ready to be heated in the microwave oven. My version of soup and sandwich (Top Ramen + a ham sandwich!) is not too bad- especially when I don't want to spend a lot of time cooking and hey, no one can have enough frozen burritos and hot pockets handy and ready to eat!--yeah I know it isn't the best/healthier, but it still beats takeout! I've taken the stance that if it isn't in a box/can or frozen, I probably don't have much use for it, but I do like fresh fruits/vegetables whenever I can get my hands on them--hint to those who garden and get sick of zuccinni: I'll be happy to take whatever you want off your hands!

Sometimes my sister in law (ex-sister in law?) takes pity on me and sends food with the kids when they come to visit--that's nice, she is a great cook and just this week I've sent a full bag of empty containers--clean of course--back to her. I don't know, maybe I should just give her money to cook something everyday and forget about fuzzing with it all myself. One of my friends said he just cooks a bunch of potatoes and tops them with something different every day. I don't mind that, but potatoes everyday?!?!

Maybe I should start a co-op or something where every person who hates cooking for 1 takes turns making more and everyone stops by to get a portion or better yet--to sit and eat with another human being!! Maybe we should start a Moho cooking book with basic, quick and easy recipes that can be shared especially with those that don't live in close proximity, kind of a Moho version of "What's For Dinner". I don't know if anyone out there has any ideas to share?

Meeting the Mohos

This post is about 2 weeks into the making so it may sound more like old news.

I had been to Scott & Sarah's Moho party on 12/31, that time I was way nervous, almost didn't go in but it was a good experience meeting a few fellow Mohos and realizing it was ok. Out of my anxiety I believe I met a couple of the guys I had been emailing with, but didn't even realize it and I'm sure this made me look like a complete airhead. All in all it was a good experience, but I had not been able to make it back until June due to one thing or another

What the saying "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans"

Finally the stars aligned and I was able to return to meet the Mohos in June. I met a few new faces and saw some known ones. I felt much more comfortable and even stuck around longer than last time. As I observed (I'm a huge people watcher) interactions between people I have to admit that I felt a twinge of jealousy--I mean here I am, a middle-aged dad, still married, finally admitting to being gay--while they are mostly young, all very handsome guys; they feel comfortable in their skin, they know who they are and have full, exciting lives ahead of them...yeah I'm aware they also have their own challenges, but still, for a moment there I wished I could go back in time and be 21 again knowing what I know now. But then again, not all is lost for me, I wouldn't have the most wonderful children a father could ever hope to have, so I suppose it is all relative...

Still, what I can say about this experience is that I'm glad that these guys (and the one girl--I won't forget the 1 girl!) are young enough, smart enough and comfortable enough to avoid a lot of the pain and sorrow that I and other Moho's have experienced and feel nothing but admiration for them and I celebrate in their success and offer my support if they should ever need it (just make sure you get off my lawn!!!!--sticking my cane out to them, LOL). But in reality, silly as it sounds, I'm the one taking lessons on life from the young'uns in situations like that and I'm a better man because of it and again, feel grateful for Scott, Sarah and their adorable kids for providing this kind of venue for everyone like this.

This is what you wanted, right?

These kinds of posts are hard to write, I want to write as objectively as possible and avoid sounding like a completely selfish jerk but as anyone can probably tell, it ain't working...

We're getting close to being apart for 1 month.

I see her--my wife--should I start calling her my ex? :( --on average twice a week, when I pick up the kids and when I drop them off. The minute I start heading up towards their place I feel an anxiety attack coming--have have to literally control my breathing, distract myself somehow and tell myself it is going to be ok. There have been a couple of times that I've felt like turning around rather then dealing with it, but my time with the kids is limited so I'm not about to give up. I try to be civil and say hi and maybe make small conversation, but I hardly ever get so much as a hello. I took the kids to dinner on Thursday and got take out for her, I didn't get a thank you. I bought her a little knick knack when I went out of town and I barely got a 'meh' when I gave it to her. There have been times when I've sent the kids a good night text and include her in it, nothing back--I suppose it is better than getting anger shot back at me...

I want to show her that I still care about her and that I want us to remain friends. My therapist said I have to give her time and give her a break, I have probably let go of the marriage a long time ago and she needs time to grieve and process this all on her own--I suppose it is fair to say this is true. Still there's this twinge of hope at least for some form of civility that I am willing to show and I don't see anything in return. Maybe in time...There have been a couple of times that she has seen me in a sad mood and after exchanging a couple of words she'll say: "This is what you wanted, right?" I don't know if she says that to guilt me into anything or help me process something---I don't know how to answer that and it honestly it ends up pissing me off, but hey at least the sadness ends!!

Aside for a couple of things I did for myself, I had spent a good portion of 15+years trying to make things right by her, do what she liked, go where she wanted, do the activities she chose. Now that I don't have to do those things I honestly feel kind of lost and the hard part is knowing where to let go and where to find my own way without feeling/appearing like I don't care. Maybe I should have grown a spine (or a pair? LOL) earlier in the marriage and not ever develop myself into an emasculated twit, put my foot down on certain things, make it clear where I stood on others instead of giving in so much in an effort to hide my insecurities---oh well it is too late now.

-Part of me feels horribly sad that I failed at this marriage thing...it was never my intention to fail at it when I got married, even knowing the challenges I was facing then.

-Part of me feels excited to have been able to finally admit to myself who I am and be able to move on someday, in spite of the misery caused to everyone and knowing that someday things will get better--whatever getting better means.

As always, I have to say that this is just my side of the story, I'm sure if I were looking at it from the opposite end, I'd probably be experiencing/writing completely different things.--Alright, enough of my self-pity party!!! I am typically upbeat and positive about everything, I see the benefit of writing these kinds of posts and being able to read them in retrospect, but I will not dwell in this dark mood, life is too short and it is just not my nature.

Don't forget the straight ones!

So I've been busy getting a life, too busy to update this dang blog!

I met my counselor last week and was going through the list of things I'm doing to get out of my place and not sit and start thinking dumb and obscure thoughts. I told her I had gone to lunch with Hank (a friend I blogged about way back when), I told her I had got Milk on Nexflix and invited another friend to my place to watch it with me, it was a nice experience and had a pleasant time just hanging with someone watching a movie and eating popcorn. Then I mentioned that I went to the Pride Center for a support group that turned out to be a very positive experience when I really had been very nervious about, but pushed myself out of my comfort zone and it was a good outcome. Finally told her I was planning to attend Scott and Sarah's Moho party on Saturday night. This was all done in between a full-time job, a dance group reharsals/performances and spending time with the kids.

She said she was very impressed I had done all of that and that I was finding positive outcomes for my new life! She then said: "Don't forget your straight friends"....er, ummmm. I guess in my eagerness to find a life I had been neglecting some of my friends, such as one who invited me to go to the Arts Festival--really? is that a 'straight activity'? LOL--...I was spending time with the kids, so I couldn't go and they didn't want to go there either. But then I got thinking, I really don't have a lot of friends---straight or gay for that matter. Being that I had been kind of sheltering myself out of any real life I honestly can't say I have many friends that I can just hang out with or do other kinds of activities. I suppose I have a lot more work to do than I initially anticipated. How does one get a life in when our already busy lives go non-stop all week long?

I consider being gay just a part of who I am--not the one thing that defines me. I wear a lot of hats and have a variety of interests. My counselor's follow up advice was not to shelter myself again by just fostering only gay friendships--as it normally happens, I mean I can see the point of 'birds of a feather flocking together' and all --but to explore whatever makes and feels comfortable to me regardless of whether there is a gender orientation attached to the activity or community itself. I have to do a other postings about the Moho party, and my separation, but some of that is harder to deal with, so I'll just leave this one at that...

I need to get a life...

My therapist thinks it is time for me to get a life, I thought that was the whole purpose of the mess I'm living through, ha,ha.

The last couple of weeks have been an emotional and physical roller coaster ride and yet it all seems very surreal to me. I've been keeping busy moving, splitting up stuff--yours, mine--what used to be ours and what should we do with this and finding stuff I'd forgotten about, like my old mission discussions-I'm such a pack rat, who keeps their old mission discussions from 1986? LOL

I've also been spending as much time as I can with the kids before I head back to work next week. They're doing well all things considered; their mom, well, I wish I could say the same. My heart breaks every time I see her. I didn't think I could cry anymore, that I'd run out of tears at some point and out of nowhere a picture, a book, a song will trigger a wave of emotions that unleashes the floodgates. I met a friend on Monday who had been married and divorced his wife back before the internets and moho blogging was cool. He walked me through a lot of what to expect, how to handle this and that and he said that the best way to deal with life is to just keep living it--it helped me tons to see that all the pain and hurt will get better eventually.

I hate insomnia, hopefully when I get back to the demanding job next week I'll be too exhausted to stay awake for long. I'm glad the dog keeps me company, he has no idea how many times he has been the tipping point between sanity and impending doom!

Dating? mmmh, I m not ready to cross that bridge at all or any time soon.

Oh yeah, back to getting a life...the therapist warned me about how some men go from one end to a completely extreme opposite, losing their sorrows, cares and fears to alcohol, drugs and a life of whoring themselves, as they don't quite know what to do with their newly found freedom and be careful about where I go and the choices I make. I told her that in my situation I probably have the sense of not focusing on those things, sure experimenting sounds exciting and I might be curious to go to a club for sheer amusement, but for heaven's sakes, I'm not in my 20's anymore--I just have to learn to put things in good perspective, surround myself with good people--This next part is going to make me sound like a total jack ass, but in the middle of all the sadness, I've realized that:

1. I like to sleep with the window open (or partly--it has been colder than usual)
2. I love to eat a hot breakfast in the morning--even if my place smells like eggs or whatever was cooked the rest of the day
3. I was finally able to watch "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and not feel guilty for admiring Brad Pitt and/or any other movie that I want...LOL
4. I have no sense of interior decorating, but my daughter does and she has given me lots of pointers, after all she needs to feel comfortable when coming over.
5. I found myself laughing again with the kids. I had started to push them away from my life and I love when we laugh ourselves silly with my first job stories or watch their cute faces light up when I showed them my high school yearbook!
6. I can eat pizza again without feeling like I'm selfish and hurting someone's feelings or chinese food without feeling like I'm a weirdo for liking sweet and sour chicken.
7. I love having friends/family over for dinner or just to hang, it has been a lifetime since that has happened and I look forward to doing that again.

I think I'd forgotten me and in the midst of trying to do the right thing I'd forgotten how to live... watch out world, I'm going to join you again!

Countdown

I'm pretty sure it is because of the stress of the separation, but we're fighting...

We never used to fight, ever...

Maybe that wasn't the best way to deal with life before and is making it hard to deal with everything. We're not fighting as in throwing things to each other, just yelling over misunderstandings, misinterpretations of actions. But when we weren't fighting we weren't talking either, she said she just didn't know what else to say.

Who are these two strangers who had it so seemingly altogether at one point?

Opening up is hard for me. I don't bury my head in the sand or anything but I might a well with my body language and lack of response so I have to push myself to talk. We actually sat down on Monday evening to talk without fighting about the pain and fears. I keep hearing that the kids are heartbroken, they can't deal with things, yet I've talked to the kids and while they are not happy about what is going on, they are doing their best to understand and be supportive as much as they can---maybe we are looking at two different things--I don't know. I offered yet again if this is too much to bear, then why are we separating? Can't we try to stay together for everyone's sakes and see what we can make out of life?She said she'd think about it and we felt much better afterward.

A couple of busy days came and went. She talked to me last night and told me that she doesn't think it is a good idea to stay together, what happens if we're back in the same boat in 3 months, 6 months, 1 year? She says putting the kids through this seems pretty unbearable, I think she is projecting herself on the kids---they seem more able to keep it together than the two of us can---. Frankly, I share her feelings, I don't want to go around in circles and be back in the same place. She told me that she doesn't want me to stay because of guilt and pity, whatever we have to deal with, we might as well do it now...

I feel guilty for putting them through this and I feel guilty wanting to stay together. I keep hearing how much this has destroyed her as a woman and as a person, if only I had done this sooner, earlier...I told her this is the very reason I had put things off for so long, there was never going to be a good time or painless way to get through it. There are days I honestly wished I could just be run over by a train instead of having to deal with this. I asked if it makes it any better even by a slight margin that I haven't cheated or that I'm not doing this because there's someone already in my life? It does help some I guess.

I know as painful as this is, someday we'll all be better off and hope/pray for when the day gets here. So we're looking at the week after the kids are off school. I've scheduled time off work that week but honestly I am not looking forward to it getting here...

Updates and Milestones...

Well, not all of it has been bad. Way too much stuff going on and yet it seems like time is moving at the slowest pace ever...I suppose there has to be a reason.

I talked to my brother on the phone yesterday. He is in Seattle and was planning to come down for the weekend but his plans fell through. He is my only brother (I have 7 sisters) so I knew he would be one of the first people I would come out to officially. He was very surprised, but he offered his unconditional love for me over and over. He asked me questions to help him understand my journey and is sad about the separation, but overall his support and love are more than I can probably expect at this time and I'm grateful for his positive response.

My son found a classmate whose father is also gay and the family has gone through all of this. The classmate also told him that it will be ok, eventually things will feel normal, whatever normal is. My son just about made my day the other day as I was driving him: He said he was doing alright, but understandably is having some difficulties because he doesn't see me as "the average dad"; I asked him if that was a good thing or bad? He said it was a very good thing!!!

My wife talked to her best friend and told her what is going on and the reasons. I feel that now that she has had a chance to vent with someone she is able to process things a little better. I told her I was very close to calling her friend myself, explaining everything at the risk of having the friend kick my ass or send someone to do it, but that her friend really needed her...I bought the book "The other side of the closet" for my wife at the request of my therapist and at least for now she is pretty disgusted with the stories on the book, seems that's all she wants to focus on, maybe later she'll realize the real point of the book.....sigh

Two steps forward and four steps back...

Coming out of the closet or dragging the family into it?

We're dealing with a few issues here, I don't know what other bloggers have experienced and if I may be doing the right thing or not.

So we told the kids the reason for the separation. I've tried to be as open with them as I can. I know they see and understand things completely different. Their main concerns are for how are their lives going to change. My 10 yr old daughter voiced her concern for when other kids at school talk to each other and about each other: "That's so gay"---well it touches a raw nerve. We've tried to explain that kids don't say that because of her, or know anything about me and it is purely an expression that doesn't mean anything, yet it bothers her. It seems that after talking to her it gave her some ways of dealing with it, so that might help. Still it is hard for her to deal with having a gay day--whatever that means...

My 15yr old son's friends have noticed his angst and are asking what is wrong with him. He told me he doesn't know what to tell them. I told him he can share as little or as much as he wants with them, but at the very least he can tell them of the separation--I've told them he can tell them the reason or not, it is not his fault, it is not something he has caused--I still don't think he feels comfortable talking about the gay part, but he was surprised how many of his peers have gone through parents splitting up and he has at least found simpathetic ears and feelings.

My wife has told most of her family about the split up but not the real reason why. Of course she is affraid that her family will blame her for our splitting up since as she said, they all think I'm such a nice guy!---sigh! I'm thinking that I may need to come out to more people (at least the close ones) so they can stop guessing and possibly start supporting those who need the support more. I don't know if by coming out of the closet to my wife/kids I ended up dragging them back in...damn it! I keep screwing things up royally!!

My wife and I are talking a bit more openly. I'm as assertive as I need to when it comes to work and other aspects of life, yet when dealing with conflict with her I clam up and can't say a word. I am learning to share; it is hard and I have to force myself to do it, I am also talking about my fears (loneliness), hopes--hope that we can make it alright through this, fears--fears that everything will just blow up in my face one of these days. One of hers (and she says the kids) fears is that they won't know how to deal when the day comes that I find someone and want to share my life with that person. I have told them that I'm dealing with so much right now that this part isn't even in my radar right now....if and when the time comes we will just have to cross that bridge when we get to it, but at the moment we're seriously dealing with much bigger stuff.

I've had a couple of very helpful sessions with my therapist. I'm finding ways to deal with the past, present and future, but it still hurts like hell and sometimes all I can handle is the next day or even the next hour, and all I can think about is that it will all be OK in the end...it has to!!!!! This is already getting long...

Crash and burn...

What a weekend it has been....

First off, I spoke to a church leader to get some advice--his advice was sound, but didn't offer much hope. He said that marriages like mine typically don't survive...

Then I went to a therapist recommended by a friend of a friend (love how that happens). She again gave me some statistics, about 50% of marriages dissolve as soon as the gay spouse comes out and the other 35-40% a year or two after, because they really work hard at making a life, but in the end, no success either. She did point out that the remaining 20% or so do make it, but it was the couples that were best friends and of course understood the odds and were committed to each other 100% in all possible ways. She also advised that if we were separating, we could tell the kids the reason why, or not, depending on how we saw their maturity level. I'm going back to meet with her this week, seems I will be able to get a lot out of these meetings.

My wife and I talked until late hours one night wondering if we may possibly be part of the 20%, all the reasons why we thought we might be able to make it in our version of a mixed-orientation marriage, things were looking somewhat up even as of Friday morning...

Then she went to her therapy appointment...

When she returned she was in shreds and things went more or less like this:

Wife: "I want to know if you love me"
Me: "Yes, of course I do"
Wife: "I know you care deeply for me, you'd do almost anything for me and the kids"
Me: "Yes I would"
Wife: "I want to know if you only see me as a friend for hanging out, co-parent, roommate, someone to share bill-payment and care for the children only or if the're is a chance you see me as anything else, a partner, a lover, the love of your life..."
Me: looking down, knot in my throat, tears rolling down my eyes---no words came out.
Wife: "I have friends and relatives I can do all the things I'm talking about, I need a completely dedicated spouse/lover/partner who sees me the way I want, nothing else will do"
Me: "I'm sorry, I just don't think I can offer that, I've honestly tried for all these years do give you what you want, I just don't have the capability do do it"

She said that her therapist advised her to tell the kids as we saw fit understanding that they might react in weird ways or possibly not. She thought that we should tell the kids that afternoon before I was supposed to go out of town with my son. We got the kids, sat them down and I told my 10 and 15 yr olds: "Guys we have somethings to share with you and also bad news to tell you. The first of which is that I am gay". My son sat there stunned. My daughter started to cry and we tried to console her as much as we could. We talked about how it wasn't their fault, nothing they ever did, it didn't mean they were gay either. We were about to share the second 1/2 of the news, but they figured it out before we were there, my daughter sobbed and I saw a tear come out of my son's eye about our separation. Of course we were all crying by now. It was a long and painful conversation, lots of things were said...

But in a jist we told them we loved them so much, we cared for each other still and would do everything possible to make this as painless (yeah, I know) as we could. We told them they'd be able to ask anything, voice their fears and concerns, it wasn't pretty but we also explained that it wasn't fair to them to live in a home where there was so much unhappyness. In the end they seemed to understand that it is for the better. I told my son if he did not want to come on the trip w/me he didn't have to, but he said: "Oh no, I'm still going, when do we go?" My daughter's only request was that we please do not give her any step-parents, she has friends who have to deal with this and she said it is hell...we told her no step-parents to deal with...

They asked who is taking the dog? : ) I told them I'll probably end up taking it, because that's almost the only sure way I'll exercise, but the dog can also come and go as everyone sees fit. It was nice to end with some laughter in between the tears. My son and I took off for the weekend, I checked on my daughter by phone a few times in the evening and on Saturday...

Now the real dirty work starts....

Meeting the family...

I was lucky to have been able to meet Bravone last Friday evening.

I literally drove by, got a big hug from him, visited for a few minutes and took off as I wanted to reach my destination before dark. Bravone is a sweet, caring man. We didn't have much time to talk at all, but he was able to share a few of his points of view. Although it was for a very short time, I feel honored to have been able to meet him and feel his amazing spirit. He even gave me a few pointers on how to reach my destination faster, which were spot on!!!

Moho Marriage: Having your cake and eating it too...

I wonder if it is possible to have one's cake and eat it too?

1. Being a gay Mormon man
2. Having the fairy tale temple wedding--hey guys also want those!!!
3. Having children, extended relatives and possibly friends who may/may not understand all the complications

Some people see it as a total contradiction, a heressy of sorts.

How can a gay person meet their basic individual needs (cultural/intellectual/belonging to a group of sorts)

Sexual needs are probably in a category by themselves. Sure some gay men may feel fulfilled by just knowing they are gay and somehow living a celibate life, according to LDS policies. Some men may find a fulfilling sex life with their straight spouse---may be true in the earlier years of marriage, after all the drive is definitely there, but at least from personal experience and other's that I've read, this diminishes with time and it may drive an ultimate wedge in the marriage--blessed are those that can still manage this side of their lives, in my opinion!

It this fair to the straight spouse--the innocent bystander? Is it fair to the marriage, the emotional/physical/spiritual relationship? I can probably agree that if there's full disclosure before marriage and the person accepts the potential challenges that being with a gay person will bring in their personal lives at some given point. I feel horrible for the spouses --like mine-- who never got the chance to make a fully informed decision due to my insecurities and unfounded expectations that by marrying in the temple and being able to have sex the feelings would go away.

Is it fair to the possible children to be put in the middle of this ship that is more than likely destined to sink?

What about other close relatives (in-laws) and close friends?

I have had advice from some Moho's by email and by comments and the opinions are about split evenly. Some say it might be possible to have a mixed-orientation marriage if both parties exercise a lot of forgiveness, communication, charity and work together. I even went as far as asking someone from work who is a LDS ex-stake president, of course I told him about "a friend of a friend who is going through this"--he said that in his experience, these kinds of marriages don't survive, the odds are horribly stacked against them.

Frankly, I do not see lot of hope out there, but I am still not giving up without a fight. I've been fighting for almost 16 years, is there a time when i say enough, I can't keep fighting anymore?

I'd be interested to hear the possible of experiences of anyone who reads this and cares to comment. Again, if you'd rather do it direcly by email, it is on my profile.

Roller Coaster

Well, here I am...

One foot in front of the other, breathe in, breathe out, one day at a time, one sleepless hour at a time...

Is it possible to hurt this much and know that everything is going to be alright someday?

Do I stay with my wife, even though we're so far removed from each other there's no emotional connection (forget the physical one, that train left the station long ago...) ?

I see my children's faces, they know something is up, they see us talking, crying and it breaks my heart. I don't doubt I have to tell them what's going on. I know they'll be OK but how can I make this a hurt as little as possible, because hurt it will....I'm sure

more to come...

It happened: The Conversation

My last post was an attempt to reach out to other men who might be in the same boat but may not speak English, but who knows...there are no Latin gay men, right? wink, wink...

Anyway, I want to let you all fellow mohos know that my wife and I have had the conversation of where we're going. She had been recuperating from surgery recently and had a lot of down time to rest and think about our lives and she confronted me today. Without much detail I'm here to tell you I was honest with her, it is time to deal with it and admitted that although I've tried otherwise, I'm gay, that is not going to change.

As far as a mixed-marriage life, well that is probably not going to happen. I think many things have been said/done to feel any kind of connection in many levels. What happens from here? well, I don't know. We re in a cross-roads situation where really anything is possible, so I might be updating my experiences here, who knows maybe not....I'm kind of an emotional wreck right now, so I suppose the only thing I can ask is that if you pray, please keep my family in your prayers, if you light candles or send cosmic karma, send some our way, we're going to need it.

Mormon, Casado y Gay

No se si haya alguien mas por ahi en esta situación, pero las estadisticas que yo conozco indican que si hay mas personas como yo.

Si hay alguien por ahi en el mundo cibernetico que está en esta situación, solo quiero que sepan lo siguiente:

No estas solo

El nombre de mi pagina es Soledad Pública. A grandes razgos soy un hombre normal, a simple vista soy como cualquier otra persona, tengo un buen trabajo, una buena familia que me ama y los amo con todo mi corazón, una casa, amigos, una buena vida con muchos logros pero hay una parte de mi que me come vivo: Me gustan los hombres. Mi soledad pública se basa en mis experiencias personales, como a pesar de ser un miembro activo y contribuyente a la sociedad siempre me he sentido solo unque este en medio de un mar de gente.

Siempre ha sido asi, siempre he estado atraido aun desde pequeño aun antes de que mi familia se convirtiera a la iglesia Mormona. Desde muy temprano aprendi que la homosexualidad era una abominacion y pecado grave. Mis padres tenian, leian y recomendaban a todos que leyeramos "El Milagro del Perdon". No creo que haya otro libro en mi vida que ha traido mas ansiedad, estress y que me haya hecho sentir que no valia yo nada. Sin embargo crecí, participé activamente en todos tipos de presidencias de hombres jovenes, me gradué de seminario, recuerdo que aun en las clases de hombres jovenes los lideres enseñaban que la masturbación causaba la homosexualidad y eso no me ayudaba de nada, si no al contrario me hacia sentir el ser mas bajo, mas indigno y mas sucio. Lo que no sabia (¿entendia?) en ese entonces es que todos mis demas compañeros de clase tambien lo hacian y ahora entiendo que es algo normal de todos los hombres, sin embargo, hasta donde yo sabia, ellos no tenian el mismo problema que yo.

Fui a la misión, regresé y fui relevado honorablemente como se esperaba de mi. Me casé en el Templo y empezé a formar una familia y trabajé en la Iglesia en casi cada llamamiento que es posible que haga un hombre hasta ser consejero de obispo. Parte de mi esfuerzo y fidelidad siempre se enfocaban en la suplica de que si tan solo fuera miembro fiel quizas se me quitaría este pesar tan grande de mi...pero eso nunca sucedió. Un dia me dije a mi mismo que esto nunca se iba a resolver, que soy asi y no van a cambiar las cosas y me empezé a aceptar a mi mismo.

He conocido otros hombres en mi situacion y descubrí algo maravilloso: ¡Tampoco estoy solo!! Estos hombres tambien son Mormones, exmisioneros, solteros, otros casados igual que yo. Algunos han tenido aventuras infieles, otros lo deseamos como el querer saciar una sed en el desierto. Algunos siguen tratando de vencer este "Goliath" mientras mantienen su membresia en la iglesia y su familia intacta. Algunos han sido valientes y han revelado su situacion a sus esposas y sus familias. Algunos han tenido que aceptar las consecuencias de sus acciones, y aun el rechazo de sus familias, seres queridos y de su religión a la cual han dedicado su vida entera, pero siguen adelante con sus tribulaciones y logros...

En fin, si te encuentras en las mismas y quieres platicar con alguien que ha pasado por las misma situacion, que tiene los mismos pesares, mandame un correo electronico a publicloneliness@gmail.com no creo que tengo alguna respuesta clara, ni ningun antidoto mágico para resolver la situación, pero al menos puedes contar con alguien que ha handado en el mismo camino...

Musings

Sorry I have been out of the Moho blogsphere, my mind has been in a lot of other things, most of them related to work and family--(darn it having to make a living and spend time on relationships, they severely cut into my blogging and keeping track of friends : ) ).

I've been thinking about a couple of possible postings, but to be honest none of them are real revelations and/or insights that I haven't already read on other blogs. I was telling someone who emailed me that it all started to feel better once I settled on the knowledge that being gay was never going to go away and I had to find ways to accept it, deal with it and live with it in spite of years of trying to be the most faithful and worthy member of the LDS church, taking on callings, attending the Temple regularly, praying--pleading to God to take it away from me. If anyone can imagine just how long it has taken me to barely even admit to being gay--I don't like to call it SSA or Same-Gender Attraction, it is what it is and weird as it may sound it really isn't about sex...

But then again, what is it about?

Is it about building good/solid relationships with men--heck and why not even women? Is it about admiring a good-looking man in the street and have lustful feelings? Is it about the world of fantasy and how I might interpret a gay relationship? Is it about being a fervent advocate of equal rights for everyone regardless of their differences? Is it about feeling comfortable in my own skin and not be afraid of what others might think? I guess one of my tasks now is to find what it all means to me...

And yet the only area that I see it being a conflict is where it comes to my family (wife and children)--yeah I have made my choices, I have made promises that honestly there are days when I wonder my state of mind when I made them. Any other area of my life I would have known how to fix it or do something about it, except this one...I wonder if my life will always be like this--not that it is a complete disaster and it isn't depressing by any means, but I see this as one of those things that has a no win-win situation and it eats me inside...

See? I like I said, no new revelations...

Update on my so called life...

I haven't really made any decisions about my life.

My wife is in the middle of a medical treatment for a couple of different ailments. Right now the focus is on getting her better, getting her health back to as normal as I can before I can deal with anything else. I guess this gives a true meaning to "in sickness and in health"...

Not to say that I don't think about how to deal with my situation. There are things that keep me awake at night:

1. Last time I tried to come out to my wife it was a complete disaster. How may it go this time around? I was ordered to move out and was threatened pretty much to forget about having anything to do with my kids--even though I was initially told it would all be solved amicably.
2. Do I come out to my kids? I'm sure it wouldn't be a total shock to them, but how would they take it/how would it affect them?
3. Family? Last time I talked to my mother about this and she took it as a green light to deal with her own demons (none of which had anything to do with me). My dad felt that he failed me as a father...sigh!
4. If it gets to a point that we separate (or try again), how will we live? two houses--how in the world can we afford that? Kids aren't as little anymore--but I'm sure they would be affected seriously.
5. If for some miraculous reason my wife accepts me, would she accept being in a mixed marriage? One time she actually told me that she could work on any kind of problem, except for the gay thing---

Well, don't want to bore anyone with my boring life. I was able to attend the Moho party on the 31st at Dichotomy's house, even if it was for a short time (by the time I left it was just starting to get under way) but met a few amazing people there, it was nice to be able to talk to others freely, no judgment and feel nothing but acceptance, love and offers of unconditional support. I only wish I could have stayed there longer, but I was told that there will be other opportunities. Well, here's to a new year!!