This is going to be a total self-pity post, so if this irks you, just click out of it now.
Today would have been the 16th wedding anniversary. As far as I remember I was taught that someday I was going to be married in the temple. There was no room for negotiation on that, I never even gave it a thought to being married anywhere else. I strongly believe that even if someone had pinned me down and asked me to consider how was being gay going to affect the rest of my life I would have likely not listened to them. This was going to happen because that is what I was supposed to do.
We used to celebrate the first few anniversaries by dropping the kids off with grandma or someone and going through the Temple. Many of those times we were asked to be the witness couple and afterwards we'd have a nice lunch or dinner somewhere. It felt good to go back to where we started, gave us somewhat of a renewed focus. The last two or three years have been difficult to celebrate--I'm sure we both thought--celebrate what? The fact that we have no connection? The fact that we've somehow made it this far without wanting to kill each other? One year we actually took the kids to Lagoon and decided it would just be a special family day, exchange a trinket or something and that was about it...is that even a marriage? Ever dread arriving to the day to pay the mortgage or student loans? That's how the anniversary date has felt the last couple of years and I hated myself for feeling that way.
Last year instead of hearing "Happy Anniversary" I heard the words: "You're such a patient man"....mmmmmmh, OK?!?! Maybe hearing all those clues is what made me decide we were on a boat destined to sink. I don't know. I certainly am aware of all the things I kept secret and suppressed for many years until I couldn't do it anymore. I can't help but feel like an utter failure because didn't do, say and fought for that marriage hard enough. I have to take and accept my share of the blame and even in this despair question whether my life is better now or was I better off or in a miserable marriage and existence because at like they say "misery loves company". I suppose eventually this date will feel just like any other date, but this first time around it just feels like a knife that keeps digging and digging, so I think I'm just going to indulge my self-pity just for today.
:-(
I wish there were something I could do to help you feel better today. Know that you have many friends who see the goodness in you and want only the best for you.
ReplyDeletePL, I'm sure it is a hard day, but perhaps everything really does happen for a reason. And I really believe this saying: It will be alright in the end, and if it's not alright, it's not the end.
ReplyDeleteTake care,
FLS
I suppose eventually this date will feel just like any other date
ReplyDeleteProbably not. I don't mean to pour salt in the wound. But, you are grieving - and there will probably always be things (certain dates, sounds, smells, etc.) that will remind you of days past.
Like Braveone, I wish there were something I could do or say to help you through this. It's OK to have self-pity when you are grieving - it's part of the grieving process.
I believe that often there is no substitute for time. I doubt you will ever forget the day, but perhaps the pain associated with it will subside over time. Good luck PL. The best I can say is hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone, it was a hard, day but I kept busy and life will go on. Thanks for all the kind/wise words.
ReplyDeletehugs,pl