The Facebook Connondrum of My So Called Life...

I’ve debated posting this note on the infamous Facebook for several months and it I think it is about time it gets published but would like to know if anyone has any wisdom to share. I think it is time for me to stop tippy-toeing around many issues and post about more about the stuff I really want and talk about and so forth. I have the example of a few Mohos that have done this part of me says it isn’t a big deal and part says it is, so that’s where I don’t really know what to do. So I drafted something that goes like this:

I signed up for this social network roughly in November of 2008, not really knowing what to expect and soon enough I was connecting with people back to my days in middle school back in Mexico, high school in Houston, mission, church days, past & present work, old and new friends made all in between all those times and of course, immediate and extended family.

I don’t consider my life to be that extraordinary, but experiences and events in my life have made it what it is & the people who have been in and out of it through the years have definitely shaped to be what it is, for better or worse… So where does that leave little ordinary me? While I don’t expect everyone to know everything about me at all times, and agree/disagree with me, I find that I censor myself here a lot (who doesn’t?). The people that are close to me know enough of what's going on and I like that, but there are times when I am still in fear of offending people's feelings and I suppose in an attempt to make everyone aware of what’s really going on in my life and the people I interact on site together, here it goes:

I used to go to middle school, but I don’t anymore

I used to go to high school, but I graduated many years ago! 

I was a missionary in Mexico for the LDS church a long time ago, but that was then

I was married for 16 years, but I am divorced now

I have two amazing and beautiful children who are very smart, outspoken, and feisty and the light of my life

I have not been an active Mormon for several years

I am a gay man and I am finally comfortable with who I am and who I’ve become. I am dating someone at the moment (he's doesn't do the Facebook thing, BTW) at the same time learning how to mesh and combine all the parts of my life that have got me where I am and where my life leads.

If you’re still reading this far, I need to clarify that just as all the different areas of my life it is just that, things about me; they all are components of my life, not the one thing that makes me as an individual but one of my goals in 2011 is to work hard at  being a better me. I don't expect everyone to agree and sure enough I wouldn't be surprised to lose some of you, that's OK, it is part of life and I accept it.

Is it even worth posting it? Any thoughts?

Friendships

This is one of the blog posts that I’ve been mulling in my head for a while. Probably nothing earth shattering, or newsworthy; just personal observations.

First off, the standard pity line: “I never had many close friends growing up” :-)


I chalk this to a few factors: Moving a lot and not growing deep roots anywhere, being insecure & being the object of kid’s humiliation probably prevented me from hanging out with A type kids who ruled with horror on the school playgrounds (or kids in general). High school was a whirlwind of stress, classes, hormones and of course the LDS spin on my life that taught me I was: Not of the world--there also weren’t that many LDS kids in my school, not that it would have helped getting close to anyone, I wouldn’t even deal with the possibility of falling in love with a friend, that was nowhere near my radar!! Does anyone really have a best friend growing up?


Many of my mission companions and I always made plans to stay in touch in the future, little did we know that life (school, marriages, children, jobs) would basically get in the way—but the intentions were good. I had a small group of good friends while I was still single and we got pretty close –not in a sexual way at all—but again, after we all got married our wives (who are now just about all of our exes—oh irony…. ha, ha, ha!!) never really got along so friendships were sadly lost that way. Church, well church is church but just for the record: Home and Visiting teaching do not count as friendship, I may be generalizing and I’m sure there are exceptions, but again, just the way I see it. I do have to admit that a lot of times (as others may have mentioned) the fear of getting close to a guy for fear of falling in love with him or the danger of doing something that might seem inappropriate was a factor in not getting too comfortable being friends with someone as well.


So where does all of this leave divorced, gay men like me? When I first came out & started seeking out friendships with other gay men, the majority of them lost interest after there was no indication that we might be, um…getting it on? I was told by one of those friends that most of his friends were past boyfriends and after they moved on that’s just how their relationships evolved. Some of the men admitted that many of their friends were “FWB” for whenever the need arose. I’m not a prude but frankly I scratch my head about that one—maybe it is a gay cultural thing!


I think I’m not the only one who feels safe (and glad) to have many Mohos as friends—sure many of them are handsome and sexy and yeah I wont lie that the thought did not occassionaly cross my mind—and I know there have been couples formed that started out as friends in the Mohosphere but it really isn’t THE only thing that happens—well at least no one admits to anything happening, right? Guys? Really? Anyone wants to fess up about what happens after Scott’s parties? The main reason I like Moho friends is that at least in my experience there isn't that automatic layer of "let's see what I can say or do to get in your pants". Sure there might be some harmless hugs, flirting and all but again--maybe I'm off my rocker here, but that has been my experience.


I’ve been very fortunate to have formed good friendships with a couple of Mohos local and out of state (they know who they are) & some of the men from the Gay Father’s group most of who are, you guessed it, Mohos!! They get what I’m talking about, what I talk or may rant about and simply: They’ve been there, done that. We can be out and about, doing our thing, be missing for days, weeks or months, but once we connect the synergy and friendship picks up right where we left off and I like  that as our own friendships grow and evolve we get more and more comfortable talking and dealing with issues (some serious, some silly) that we might not talk about in an open forum, but here's still plenty of banter and fun exchanges.


I was of the idea that a person can’t have enough friends and that’s great but lately I’ve thought that having a few close friends and many acquaintances might be best...


Anyone has additional insights on the subject?

To all the gay men I've loved before...

Ha, ha, ha, just had to use that catchy phrase, but no worries, I am not going to reveal anything or out anyone I shouldn't.... this is not that kind of posting (not on election night for heaven's sakes!!) :-) I believe it was Invictus Pilgrim who posted an awesome history of gay men on his blog that made me think about who were some of the early gay people in my life, so here's a quick summary:

I think the first gay man I was ever aware of has to be the Mexican singer/composer Juan Gabriel.

Here was this very effeminate cutie pie that women would scream for and even went as far as to marry and have children but he eventually came out of the closet (gee sound familiar?). The man is a superstar DIVA --kind of a Mexican Elton John-- and his popularity only grows and sadly does his belly, he doesn't look anything like the pic above anymore, but people seem to have grown to just adore him; I think most everyone figured; the guy is talented, so what if he likes men! 

The second gay man I recall is a guy that was someone my family met when we converted to the LDS church. His name is... well let's just call him Ray. I have an old picture of his from when he was my teacher in Primary I think, but I doubt he'd be happy of me posting it. This guy was the poster child for Mormon men. He did everything in the church, talented, funny, easy going and he danced Mexican Folk Dancing like a pro (he had some very OGT's). Eventually he also got married and last I heard (over 15 years ago or so) he was still married, but my parents always referred him as "the kid with all the mannerisms", he, he, he..

Perhaps the next gay man I knew was my Senior year English and Technical Theatre teacher (why on earth did I end up in two different classes with him and not ever figure out he was a fairy or figure more about myself is beyond me!). His name was Mr Sanders. Of course I was so naive and clueless that I even asked him about his wife and he just muttered something as he walked away. But he was the nicest guy, very kind and he had us build the most FABULOUS sets for plays in school--but none of them musicals--now that I think about it.... weird, no? I've always wondered what happened to him and I imagine that if I ever won an Oscar (I don't even act!) I'd honor him on stage, but that's only because of the movie "In and Out".

As I came home from my mission I had a couple of roommates and friends that eventually figured were gay, but damn I was so closeted that no way on earth would I ever dared come out to them, let alone do anything with them. One of those roommates was semi-effeminate and also very nice and he was probably one of the roommates I ever came close to facing my gayness, but my parents demanded I kicked him out because as I was told by them "He reminds us of Ray, the guy with the mannerisms", sigh.... Someday I'll have to write about him... that may be a posting in itself. Before I got married my mission president actually told me about a couple of elders who had come out and were living "the homosexual lifestyle", I don't know what prompted him to tell me that, maybe he was giving me signals that it was OK for me to consider that possibility....

The signs were all there!!

Moving up in the ranks of the church I always had crushes on good-looking men --yeah all ye Elder Quorum and Ward Mission Leaders beware, I crushed on many of ye big time, but being so closeted again, I never dared say or do anything, because as Christ-like as many of them wanted to be, I knew I'd potentially get my sorry ass kicked if I ever dared. Some bishops actually mentioned members by name in meetings who had been seen coming out of gay bars (did they even have those in SLC I thought?) and they way they referred to them was so hostile and so badly I could only sink lower in the closet and only think: "If you only knew there's one in your midst".  

Oddly enough the next gay man I knew about was my X's uncle. We visited family in the Bay area and almost stayed in his house, but his sister warned us against that, but she wouldn't say why. We ended up visiting him and he introduced us to his "roommate". During that visit our 1-year old toddler fell asleep and he asked us to lay him in his bed, so I went into his bedroom and to my surprise there was only a queen-size bed...  I thought "mmmh, roommates with only 1 bed?" LOL..Also, the reason we went on that trip was for the wedding of my X's cousin and guess what, years down the road.... yep, he's gay too! :-P

This is getting long, but I left the LDS church just before coming out of the closet and used to hang out at some of the online Exmo-communities and of course they all have their token gay members. I wrote back and forth with one of the members who lived in Seattle and was openly gay, partner and all, but have lost track of him, but eventually met two others in person after they knew me/about me on the community and eventually coming out to them. I have to say meeting them was one of the most positive experiences of my life. I also participated--I am still subscribed to a gay/mormon list of men who are or were married (The Cha Cha Brotherhood) but I never met anyone in person until years later. All these experiences actually gave me the confidence to meet other gay people in person and the Mohosphere has provided me a good outlet to build good friendships with other gay men. 

This posting probably doesn't have a point other than my own mind's trigger for memory, but I'm sure there are tons of other men who I probably don't even have a clue about (some of them relatives, I'm sure!) but at least from my experience, that gives you a rough idea.

I love musicals...

Really?

A gay guy that likes musicals?

Unheard of!

Growing up I didn't get much exposure to musicals, unless you count Grease maybe! I blame my mission president and his musically inclined family who made us watch movies while I was the financial clerk in the mission home. Maybe I had heard a song here and there, but I don't recall ever seeing the likes of The Sound of Music, Fiddler on the Roof and Singing in the Rain until that point;

AND I LOVED THEM!!

There's just something exhilarating about breaking out in song about something that happens in life whether it is good or bad and yeah I've been moved by many of the songs to tears here and there! Maybe this is one of the reasons why I love Disney movies, they come chuck full of songs, I mean what's better than singing "Chim, Chimney and Supercalifragilisticexpialidotious"!!! When I came home I wanted to buy the videos--yeah I'm that old--, but that never really happened, but when I had kids I had the best excuse to get them, so I did and I made an effort to play them at least a time or two a year--yeah I have to replace my collection because sadly I lost my movies in the divorce, but every now and then I hear the kids say that they were watching one of them and makes me happy they like them enough to keep up the tradition.

I was mentioning some of this to the babe and he happens to have one of the biggest collections of musicals (he has been out most of his adult life)--so he gets to make fun of my amateur addiction--or is it aversion?--to musicals. Still thanks to him I've learned to appreciate other musicals like Gigi and Thoroughly Modern Millie. I've only recently seen Showgirls (after he almost took my gay card away!) and the quest continues.

My only issue with musicals is that I'd love to be able to sing, but I can't carry a tune to save my life, still I hear that there are a few sing along events centered around some of those movies and I think they'd be a riot to attend. I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but do you like musicals? if you do, what are some of your recommendations? :-)

Thanks for the Broken bridge BKP :-(

The saddest thing: All the work that many of the Mohos all around, straight allies, and many local and semi-GA LDS leaders have put into bridging the gap between the LDS church and the gay community was completely broken by a simple remark by the Darth Vader of all general authorities, the man who if Thomas S. Monson were to drop dead today would be the next prophet of the Mormon Church.

Way to go alienating people; Im sure that's exactly WHAT WOULD JESUS DO!!!!!


All I can think at this time is the poor Deacon, Priest, Missionary and/or the young woman whose entire hopes for understanding and a little bit of love have completely dashed. I can think of all the parents and relatives who will approach us homos and say: "I love you, but President Packer says..." Forget the compassion, understanding and a glimpse of unconditional love in the name of "The Brethren Have Spoken". 


What a sad, sad, sad day for the Mormon church...

August Theme: August Theme: Pioneer Heritage

I wish I had a cool picture of pioneers to put here, but I have no Mormon Pioneer ancestors. Back when I used to be a believing, active Mormon I always felt a twinge of envy for members who did and could tell stories of how grandma walked barefoot across the snow covered plains pulling her handcart while breastfeeding her baby, just after sending her husband on the Mormon Battalion (OK, I'm exaggerating a bit here and I'm sorry if this offends anyone whose granny actually did that!!) But it was yet another reminder how "I really didn't fit in".

 

However, the LDS culture always has room to spin just about anything. So sure, there could be stories like that of my uncle, the first person from the family who became a member, my step dad who gave up being a cop after converting to the church and moving his family to a new country in search of a better life. Sure, my siblings and I didn't pull handcarts, but boy we pulled lots and lots of garbage cans around buildings, mop buckets worked many nights past midnight stripping and waxing floors and still were required to wake up for early-morning seminary. I think you get the idea but I'm not so sure that's what the theme is about...

 

While I don't have any LDS Pioneer stories to relate, I also do believe that I've broken a lot of new ground in my life and while I've conformed in many things--yes, throw the->->had to marry a woman to meet my social/family expectations on my face again why don't you?-- I also would like to think that I've forged my own way through many others. I probably have never felt more like a Pioneer than I have in the last year and a half:

• I may have not walked across the plains, but boy I have walked and walked. There used to be nights when all I could do to not lose my mind was to grab the dog and go on a long walk and listen to the dead silence of the streets at 3:00 a.m. I wore out a pair of tennis shoes in just a year and was also surprised to realize just how many insomniacs are out there either watching TV and occasionally walking around the streets themselves.
• I've learned to let go of just about anything material. Ever found yourself with $5 and a 1/4 of tank of gas and about a full week until the next paycheck? I suppose this is where a lot of the walking especially walking by faith came in handy!
• I've had to forged my way through a lot of unknowns and uncertain. Sure I have not run into wolves or other beasts but I've run into weird and not so quirky people as much as I've also run into an amazing and supportive community that in essence has circled their wagons around me more times than I've probably been able to notice one way or another.
• Have I arrived to the promised land? Hardly, some days I'm not sure such place exists, but I have to picture my own version of Zion (yeah the one with rainbows and pride parades and where everyone is friendly, helpful and caring, after all isn't that why I like to watch beauty pageants, because I want world peace?) :-). I am not sure I'll ever find it 100% but hey, I believe that's what makes the journey all the more exciting. Some lessons have been fun and some have been painful...such is life!

So, what now?

So much that has happened in the last year in my life. I can't help but think just how many things have changed, most of them because they needed to change and some have just happened as a result of my decisions, some good, some not-so-good, but overall I'm pleased on how somethings have evolved and how I am still working on other aspects of my life.

So where am I now?

• I've come out to family & friends, at least the ones that matter the most in my life. I've considered doing the public-mass email to everyone just announcing it or doing a public coming out on Facebook but something tells me to just let things evolve naturally and that makes more sense to me. So far I've not had negative responses from the people I've talked to and I hope that this continues being the case--although I am realistic enough to know that there'll be some bumps on the road now and then.
• Divorce has officially happened and I did not end up under the bridge-- to be honest I didn't postpone filing for divorce because I thought we might reconcile--I think it was pretty clear from the beginning of the separation that we were done, otherwise we wouldn't have ever split up--but because I feared that I'd end up squatting in some obscure basement room with no ability to continue having some sense of control over my quality of life--I know that is pretty irrational--but some days I was made feel in no uncertain way by my ex that she'd take me to the cleaners. Now we're redefining our relationship, sometimes it is rocky, most of the time it is just civil, if nothing else for the sake of the kids.
• I have somehow managed to maintain a good relationship with my kids. I know they're disappointed in so many ways, but they're also very resilient. My heart has bled many times when I've seen their sad and anxious faces. At times I've feared that they'd tell me they want to have nothing to do with me--which is one of the possibilities in life, regardless of the issues--but I've tried to if nothing else show them constant attention, love and affection. I hope that someday we'll look in retrospect and all agree that it was the best thing for all of us and that our dad-children relationship keeps evolving through the years.
• I am in a relationship with an amazing man who is loving & caring and that relationship only keeps getting deeper. A year ago this was a possibility I could imagine--but many years ahead--little did I know that things would happen way sooner. I used to day dream about someday having a boyfriend and how everything would work out just perfectly--I am not going to lie, there have been times I've felt confused and my insecurities have caused me to make mistakes--the reality is that just because a person has all the right body parts does not automatically make things perfect; people are complex and relationships are certainly complex--but boy--to be in a place where someone makes me feel so loved and needed, cared for, someone that my heart beats faster even if I see him for just a few minutes or the elation of spending an entire evening together. We've talked about the possibility of a future life together and we still have a long ways ahead to get there, we're both aware that it just doesn't happen overnight, no matter how fast we want things to move, all in good time I suppose. He barely & briefly met my son last weekend--huge milestone for me!! Next move is to start introducing each other to relatives--good times ahead!!!
• Church---I don't think I'm shy about my disaffection with the LDS church, I am glad that it works for lots of people, that it provides a safe haven and sanctuary, but for me there's just nothing there that might help me as a gay individual and as a single dad. I'd venture say that even if for some reason they fully embrace and allow openly gay members in relationships and seal them in their temples, I would still not consider going back, that's just the way it is...I will always treasure my upbringing as a Mormon, my years in early-morning seminary, my mission and the time and resources I dedicated to it; I certainly learned lots of awesome things that I apply in my life everyday and let's face it, living where I do it really helps to know how to speak "Mormonese". I respect my relatives and friends whose lives revolve around the church, if it works for them, I'm happy. I do believe one of my next moves is to have my name removed from the roles.

So again, what happens now?

I'm not sure...

Will I keep blogging as Public Loneliness? Will I change my blog name to Public Exposure as Controllerone suggested? he, he, he...I'll probably keep blogging here, ranting and the occasional shot at the church, my life isn't over, why should my blog? LOL

For starters how'bout just being more public about who I am? I think lots of Mohos here know who I am and I'm friends on Facebook with a lot of them already, but some don't know that I blog as Public Loneliness so as a way to publicly come out: Hi, I'm Miguel, I think I'm brave enough to put my FB badge here now.

The Todd Ransom I Never Knew

I started seeing the Facebook postings by fellow Mohos about the suicide of Todd Ransom and my heart sank. I saw the emotions range from sadness to rage. A lot of it being directed to the LDS church. I'm sure there's room for it-- I mostly felt sadness and I didn't know why I felt sad hearing about someone I don't think I ever met--and yet, I wouldn't have felt any less sad if the kid had been straight, or whatever else we like to label ourselves--hearing about a human being committing suicide is never pleasant. 

When I heard about the vigil I knew I wanted to go, I asked the babe if he'd come along--I'm glad he did, I don't think I would have made it in one piece if he hadn't been there. I knew it was going to be heart-wrenching and emotional and it was every bit. I was also glad to see some of the other Mohos and a great community coming together to honor a guy most of us had never met but someone who has obviously touched people beyond his life. I am not aware of his circumstances or his background. The few who spoke at the vigil said nothing but great and loving things about him. No one knows the mind, the emotions and thoughts of another person, so I suppose it is best to remember the good and somehow, try to move on as humanly as we can.

In the end I conclude: "Who am I to judge another, when I walk imperfectly".  Long live the memory of the man who I never met but touched my heart and that of an entire community and may he rest in peace...

Notes from abroad / Cartas del Extrangero

One of the things that happens when I write a blog that sometimes includes Spanish postings is that Google Search brings people to it. A lot of the searches are from countries such as Spain, Mexico, Colombia, Peru, Argentina and similar to this:

gay mormon
hombre gay (gay man)
casado y gay (gay married man)

Often times I get emails from some of the men, some are LDS, returned missionaries, some never mention the church so it is impossible to know if they're LDS or not; some just thank me for the realization that they're not alone. I try to reply to the notes and send links such as that of Affirmation that has chapters in Latin America but I never if at all hear again from any of them. A note I received a week or two ago alluded to the fact that the guy said he was gay, but he worked in an important company, his girlfriend also works in the same place and their families expect them to marry soon. He said something that struck a nerve:

 "In spite of  it all, I will never tell the truth and will marry"

I had to sit on his message for a couple of days to finally reply something like: "Been there, done that, good luck, I hope that you find it in your heart to at least tell your girlfriend about you, this way she and you both can make an informed decision, rather than put her--and you--and future children to a potentially ugly cycle that more than a few of us have known and certainly don't wish upon anyone."

One of the reasons why I blog is to bring awareness to anyone who is gay and wishes to possibly explore the possibility of marrying a woman. I certainly thought I was capable of doing it, I was more than willing to "Never tell the truth and marry" but that promise I made to myself didn't last for very long... it was just a matter of time before the time bomb went off. I hope for the sake of those who think that they can manage, that they can conquer their feelings and marry that they give things lots of second thoughts. I am not against MOM (Mixed orientation marriages) as long as the woman who marries a gay man knows what she is getting into. I have mentioned over and over in my story that it is the one thing I wish I had told my ex...

But I suppose for everyone of me there have to be several others out there who are where I was 17 years ago... how to reach out to them, how to get the message out? I guess there's lots, lots, lots more to do....

Proposition 8: The Movie

I went to see this movie last night. I knew that the documentary was not going to be objective. I had seen trailers, news, commentaries so almost nothing was new. What I wasn't fully aware was the complete level of "behind the scenes" involvement by the LDS Church--but it wasn't a big surprise at all, I have worked in plenty of callings before where I know how things are organized, planned and carried out with huge precision. I have to confess that my level of anger only grew as the movie progressed. Still I can understand the need for the church to defend its position--I just don't get to what length it was willing to go to get the job done and why focus so much of their efforts in California of all places while other states and countries have already passed same-sex marriage laws and society still has not crumbled & no one has forced them to perform Gay weddings in their temples, but that's just me.

The hardest/saddest part for me was watching the testimonial from the guy who had shock therapy at BYU, reliving his experience and how he mentioned that it was just as painful if not more telling it. It was even sadder to see the stories of the homeless youth, rejected by their parents, living out in the streets and having to revert to drugs/prostitution to survive. I just can't understand how can such a "family-friendly" culture allows parents to disown and abandon their children at such a critical time.

"Family, isn't it about time?"

So I really have no good/bad opinion of the movie, I didn't come out dissuaded one way or the other. I hope we have all learned our lessons from this. I do know the church has been found guilty of questionable practices regarding contributions to the passing of Prop 8, I think that's just the tip of the iceberg, but hey,why dwell on it. 

I think I've been watching too many movies lately. Summer's here, I must get a life!!

Upcoming Idaho Fireside for "The Gays"

I have to admit that I don't have any solid opinions on the upcoming fireside in SE Idaho. I do know Bravone is one of the most geniune guys out there and I'm sure his intentions and those that are helping put this together are sincere.

Last Fall when I went to my first Affirmation Conference I listened to Carolyn Pearson's talks on how we need to start bridging the gap and reaching out to people in the LDS Church in any possible way. This helps bring awareness and if nothing else put a gay human face to the members of the church--rather than the characters they see on Will and Grace, Brothers & Sisters and Modern Family. I have to tell you it makes a huge impression on someone to know that their very own neighbor, or coworker, or so-and-so's son/daughter is gay, people become are more apt to be willing to talk about it and stop making assumptions, many stereotypes are erased and pave the way for understanding. BUT WE HAVE TO START SOMEWHERE--perhaps this is one of the best ways, it may not be perfect, it may not be the ideal for everyone, but it is a start nonetheless: BRAVO for these efforts!!

I am a bit more torn about their Keynote speaker--granted I don't know him from Jack, I have no clue what the intention or the expectations are in doing this but if nothing else I hope he does mention if/or that he made his now wife aware of him being gay and together they made an informed decision on taking steps in getting married and embarking in a MOM. I'd really be curious to read his keynote speech if they allow to be published it or someone will report on it perhaps in the Mohosphere.

Overwhelmed for no reason?

I don't know if this happens to any other fellow Mohos but sometimes I get reading Fellow blogs and I get weighed down by their trials and struggles. I wish I could run & hug them, fix or make whatever is making them feel bad vanish--I realize that I can't do that in real life, but just can't help feel that way. Often times I find myself wiping tears off my eyes reading blogs and have to make myself stop reading, as I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Why is it that we tend to write more about struggles than we do about good milestones or just menial life stuff? (oh wait, that's what Facebook is for, right?) Is it that this kind of forum helps us vent our frustrations, secret fears and hopes while we put a good persona in the other social media? I know I do as much as I'd like to deny it.

How do you deal with the feelings of overwhelm?

How do you get the world off your shoulders?

How do you just focus on something else?

How do you let go?

How do you?

How?

March theme: First Kiss

I wish I had a good story to tell here like having fallen in love with a mission companion or my teenage best friend and finding out what an amazing experience it was to kiss a man for the first time at an age when exploring is the norm--it just didn't happen for me. Being closeted and scared to death to recognize, let alone admit to myself I was gay was not in the cards.

I can tell you about what it was like to kiss females as I dated a little before getting married but you all don't want to hear about that, do you? Well, just a quick peek: The first woman I kissed was actually a sister from my mission--don't panic we were both done with our missions, LOL-- I had traveled to UT for a wedding, somehow we met and as she 'showed me around' we ended up kissing. I felt nothing, but having nothing to compare it to I wasn't sure what to make of that. I went back home and although we toyed with the thought of a relationship nothing really materialized.

Forward many, many years (no too long ago, actually!-yeah I was slow) After I separating from my wife and trying to pick up the pieces of my life I had been chatting with someone online, just emailing back/forth, we found lots of commonalities and likes and having met in person a couple of times it finally happened unexpectedly, no fanfare, no romantic candles, no violin music, it was a quick innocent peck that was as explosive, electrifying and a feeling like nothing I had ever experienced in my life and made me think: "Wow! This is what I've been missing my entire life."

And I was finally converted!!!

I've been seeing someone who has showed me a world I had no idea it existed. Yeah the kissing has developed into much, much more that confirmed that I'm indeed gay as a three dollar bill, ha, ha,ha!! But seriously, the connection has been way more than the physical/sexual and gone beyond any expectations. I highly recommend it for those who wander!! :)

I don't regret my life up to last year entirely because I've experienced a lot of joy and happiness through having a family, although I've often felt horrible for the angst and pain I've caused my ex--that is a sore spot that will take a long time to go away. If I had to do it all over again, I might still do it oddly enough, but the only thing I'd do different would be to tell her about my man-to-man attractions--There's a likelihood that she wouldn't have married me--and she has said that, but it would have been 100% more fair to her. Do I regret not exploring and having figured this out when I was younger, well yeah, I do, but my life experiences have brought me to where I am now and I can't live in that mode, it isn't healthy & I have so much more to live for.

February theme: Crushes

As I have explained before, while growing up I was way too afraid to crush on someone--male or female for that matter! I think part of me was fearful to let any kind of romantic feelings to grow towards guys because well, it was wrong (as I had learned; thanks SW Kimball!!) and towards girls because well the feeling just wasn't there! Still I remember growing up as silly as this sounds, having the biggest crush on TV guys, the biggest one being on Greg Brady... (yeah I'm old, ha!)

Once when I was living in Provo briefly I got an assignment to home visit a guy who I was told was thinking of having his name removed from the church records. I wasn't sure what that was all about so I went with my companion, he welcomed us into his apartment and I we talked for a good while. All this time I kept thinking: "I know this guy, but where from?". His arguments for wanting to have his name removed were that he was as my companion politely put it: "Same-sex struggles". I honestly don't remember what we discussed, or at least details of what was said--I do remember wanting to go back to his house afterwards to talk to him, tell him that I too had the same issues but I was too chicken to even think about coming out then. It wasn't until later on in the week when I turned the TV on to watch Center Street (an old LDS show that was produced at BYU) that I saw the guy whose living room I sat in and it dawned on me who the cutie was!

Oh the life!

Mission Experiences: Elder Greenhorn

I've been following Mr Curie's stories of his mission and have found them to be fascinating. Granted, my mission happened a lifetime ago, much of the stuff is probably been erased from my mind, but I do recall some of my experiences that may have/should have triggered some flags.

I didn't get to go to the Provo MTC. The training center I was assigned to attend didn't have the communal showers others talk about (damn!!...just kidding!). Either way it wasn't a big deal. The one thing I do remember from this is that about half of the missionaries had not yet gone to the temple, so some elders walked around in their G's and others walked around in their regular undies until everyone went to the temple. I saw it as nothing different from being in a high school locker room. Still I was severally repressed & none of this was even an issue for gayness.

Living/working 24/7 with another missionary wasn't that big a deal. My trainer was kind of a hard-ass and he was one of those that had the choice extending his 18-month mission to 2 years only to spend the following months regretting his decision not to go home earlier-- He was an interesting character. We had a tradition on my mish that we would pray every morning and night together and we had to hug our companion, (woot for whoever came up with that!!) and whenever we met other elders for conference or transfers the situation would turn into a huge hug-fest, I wonder what people used to make of that little ritual, but as it is, public display of affection is already a normal thing in that country so again, no big deal, just interesting.

Not that there weren't enough cute elders ones out there, believe me, there were plenty of them!!--But I can honestly say that I didn't have a crush on other elders or my companions

---until I became a trainer---

Here came this greenie, fresh off the bus, ready to be taught, mentored and shown the way and I was the one to 'break him in' in a sort of way. He was the youngest in his family so he could get away with pretty much whatever he wanted, he was handsome, playful and frankly quite adorable!!! Still he was a hard-worker and went right along with everything expected from an elder. The months I spent with him were probably the best part of my mission. We taught tons, we baptized the most out of any area, I seriously thing we were allowed in many places because of his charisma. I seriously loved this guy (but not in that way--well sort of---uggghh!!!)...Anyway, the one thing he LOVED to do on P-Day, after going to play basketball, he loved to lounge around in the apartment in nothing but his tighty whities...man, I probably have never sang more hymns than when he did this, but I for one was not about to tell him to please jump in the shower and put his G's back on...no sir! I can see how my brotherly love was slowly turning into a full-blown crush and obsession with him...

Towards the end of our companionship we did this game of waking up the earliest and literally pouncing on the other as soon as the alarm went off. I remember he'd win most of the time but I managed to beat him once, jumped on his bed (well him), then laid next to him for a minute before getting going and he had this raging erection going--it was morning after all, LOL. I immediately got up from his bed, started singing again, went to take a shower and never mentioned anything to him--nor did he-- He was reassigned shortly after that but I don't think this had anything to do with him being reassigned--not that I'm aware anyway. I remember the last morning we were together before taking him to the bus station: We studied, prayed, hugged and I held him there, I didn't want to let go off him and I seriously started bawling and told him how much I loved him--probably the first person I ever told openly that I loved them--how much fun it had been working, baptizing and sharing with him and how much I was going to miss him. The next guy had nothing compared to him, although he was a greenie too and I probably antagonized the companionship while I moped around and mourned the loss of my favorite companion...

Thinking in hindsight, I probably had more than a crush on this elder (no really?) and while I knew deep down my ulterior motives, at least I was able to vocalize it as simply brotherly love, no way would I ever divulge openly or privately that I had fallen in romantic love or even the possibility with my companion. I was lucky to see him again a few times after our missions, very briefly and I never got any indication that he might have been freaked out by my excessive love towards him; heck I'm sure everyone loved him the same!!! I don't keep in touch with him--not that I haven't tried to find him-- but in a way I'm glad he remains a current enigma for the most part. :-)

Oh memories...

January Theme: What are your personal goals for 2010? What do you hope to accomplish in the upcoming year?

Again, thanks to Abelard for coming up with these exercises that keep our minds going.

I had posted on FB that I don't like to make new year's resolutions only to forget them by 1/1 at noon. I do realize that things in the last few months of my life have been at times accomplished literally by managing just one more day, just one more hour and while that is not the best way to live, it gives us coping skills. However, I do have definite things I want to accomplish this year, this may be boring for some to read about, nothing juicy or confessions to make (is this the part where most people click to the next blog?) that's OK, we all have our interests! :-)

1. Financial-- I have finally started a budget. I was telling a friend that I decided to plot one on Excel and then became extremely scared to realize that I have no fiscal sense. This is probably going to be big focus this year, learning to literally account for everything I spend, where it goes, how in the world I have managed not to get into deeper trouble. I work a lot--I MEAN A LOT-- and make OK money and it is scary to realize how fast it goes before I'm even able to cash my check! But in hindsight, it is nice to realize that I can set financial goals for future needs using some of the methods I'm implementing...gee, isn't it about time? I'm only 42 years old!!!!

2. Marital--I have been making good progress in the relationship with my ex. Sure we get into little spats here and there but a lot of the anger and issues have subsided--yet I want to figure out a way to get to a comfortable place where we can talk about an amicable divorce--yeah I know, way to improve the relationship, ha, ha, ha!!! But in all honesty this is a critical part in my mind. But I do want to have this done before the summer so I have a lot of work to accomplish and assure her that I'm not going to take advantage of her or the kids, but I'm not necessarily going to give unconditionally. We'll see how that goes.

3. Personal--I have put this goal on hold forever, it just never seems to materialize. I have every intention of trying again, but will not die if it doesn't happen. I have a classical guitar I bought a few years ago. I want to learn to play it, even if it is just a few strums. I'm not a singer (not even in the shower!) but I think of how talented some people are and the ability to play an instrument seems like something I'd like to try at some point.

I think the first and second ones are big enough that I don't want to bring too much more stuff on, so the marching in the Pride parade in a Speedo, taking a pilgrimage to the Castro in San Francisco or going to a Lady Gaga concert are probably going to have to be postponed for later (ha, as if I honestly would do most of those....but the SF part does sound appealing, I need a vacation too!!)

December's Topic: When I knew

I'm following Abelard's monthly topic and I had a pretty good time reading Scrum Central's .

My earliest memory about this topic would be sitting in the men's locker room and realizing that there were naked men all around and I could not take my eyes off of them. I couldn't have been more than 8 or 9 years old...the feeling and sensation of that experience were something I'd never had before. The next time was probably a few years later (likely 12 or 13) when I opened my parent's Reader's Digest and there he was, an athlete (possibly a baseball or football player) in his red-colored briefs for an underwear ad...O M G !! The same feelings I had in the locker room came rushing back. If I had I hid that magazine and looked at that one page from time to time.

The feelings (or should I say the signs!!!) were all there, watching TV shows, I used to love to watch the Brady Bunch reruns because I had the biggest crush on Greg and Peter. I loved watching Little House on the Prairie because I loved watching Mr Ingels and Laura's husband, no other reason, LOL. Movies? Do I even have to go there? I likely spent the next few years watching hottie men on film and TV and crushing on them big time.

But for me when I probably realized I was gay and it wasn't going to change was about three months after I was married and feeling the lust after noticing a very handsome man---yeah that way--wanting to rip his clothes off and find out what it was all about. I should have paid attention much sooner, but hey, some of us are slow learners!!!

November theme: A trip down memory lane

First of all, thanks to Mormon Enigma for thinking of fun things like this for all of us to participate in and share about each other's experiences.

I was thinking about what possible deep dark secret I could talk about and expose, a demon to face or dirty laundry air out, but my life is not that complex (I was raised a goody-two-shoes Mormon kid, 'nuff said!)--the deepest darkest secret of my life was me being gay and that is slowly but surely becoming more and more a reality, past that I think my life might actually be just like anyone else's if not actually boring!!

So in coming up with something to talk about the past, I decided to talk about my father. I am the third child in a household of of two boys + 7 (yes, you read that right) girls. Of course not all of us come from the same dad, took my mom 3 men to rack up that many children. My dad was her second husband. I don't know the details of how they met or what their married life was like because I was about 5 years old when they split up and my dad took me, one of my older sisters & my younger brother to live with him--to this day I don't know what posessed my mom to allow that--but we were really raised by my paternal grandmother or as much as she could do for us, my dad drove a truck all over the country so he was there maybe on weekends.

Whatever little I remember about him was that he was a practical & pragmatic man. He had a way with words and could express himself fairly easy. He was likely an extrovert & very easy going, he had friends all over the place. Sometimes I would get lucky to be taken on a work trip with him if I was not in school and I probably remember him being at his happiest showing me the world and the people he knew. He tried to teach me how to swim (although I failed miserably). He taught me how to write funny letters to my mom--yes, way back when people still actually wrote letters-- and I'm sure as much as I could understand he tried to take the best care of us in a way he could/knew how. We were poor, no doubt but probably had everything we needed and were provided as much as private school--years later my sister told me how he managed to do this to my amazement!! The bad side of my father was that he drank, smoked and lived a very unhealthy lifestyle--he wasn't LDS but knew somethings about the church through the family--. He would usually drank himself silly every weekend and once when he was drunk he bet on a game or something which caused him to get his head shaved in front of the whole neighborhood--yet he stood there and took it like a man--I was horribly embarrased of this, I do remember that much...

About six years later my mom (who had moved across the country) sent word for us to come and visit her (and her new husband/children) for the summer. Arriving to see mom was interesting, she had a nice house, nice car, nice life, nice husband, nice kids, what was not to like? We were asked if we wanted to stay and the obvious answer out of an 11 year old had to have been: Hell yeah!!! It is about this time that my family converted to the LDS Church. I'm sure that crushed my dad & it must have helped his life to spiral even more out of control. Gaining a new life as my mom called it gave me tons of resentment towards my dad & anything that had to do with him. I was taught by mom to forget the past and never go back and I did a great job at it!!! About three years later he passed away from a massive heart attack at about age 36. I remember being told about it and standing there totally numb & not wanting to go to the funeral until I was told that we were flying out that night to get there in time (the mind of a teenager, go figure!). I also remember not crying at the viewing or the funeral, I was there but damn if I was going to show anyone I had any feelings of love or loss. Indeed much was lost there, not just his life.

Sadly, my stepdad and I never really connected as a father and son, so the void just sat there forever. I hardly ever thought about my father after he died; again, I was taught not to go there and managed to suppress the thoughts of him, his family or anything having to do with him--that is until I became a father...suddenly thoughts of him and what he was or would be like surfaced back into my head & as I held my babies I finally mourned him. I wanted to know him, remember him, think of him. I wondered what he would be like as a grandpa, how he would be playing with my kids, what kind of advice he would give me growing up, choosing a career, making adult decisions. When I started asking questions from people who knew him (my mom & older sister) I was met with tons of resistance but it didn't stop me. About 5 years ago I traveled back to meet his family (2 uncles) after about 25 years of very intentional lack of contact by me. I didn't know what to expect, perhaps rejection, but instead I was welcomed with nothing but love. They told me they thought that they'd never see me again, they were happy to meet my family and I immediately melted in my uncles warm embraces. I spent time asking tons of questions, got to know him in the best way I could, through his siblings who were still alive. I took pictures of their pictures (they wouldn't share, LOL) and got to know him and where he came from.

Not all questions were answered but I was able to fill in a lot of gaps and questions from what I had been told by my mother and other people from whatever little I had known--finally lots of issues were put to rest. I was asked by a friend if I ever forgave my father...in retrospect I had nothing to forgive, again, he did whatever he could, the best way he knew how, perhaps I had to forgive myself for not reaching out to him and flatly rejecting him when I could have--he allowed me/taught me to write to my mom, don't know why I couldn't have written to him but hey I was learning to be perfect like Christ--oh the irony!! I have often wondered what would have the old man thought of learning that his son is a homo...I guess I'll never know but in my mind I'd like to think that he would have got the biggest kick out of it and likely would tell me to just be happy, whatever that meant. So today I honor that man; I remember very vague details of him, his laughter, the smell of him drinking/smoking, his getting his head shaved, but will cling to those memories because good or bad, that's all I remember about him.

Again, this has turned to be way, way long...

OctoberTheme: Where am I?

I want to have enough time to do this and not try to put something together on the last day of the month (besides, it will be Halloween!). I want to give it a fair amount of thought:

• How did you get to where you are today?

If anyone had asked me a year ago where I would be today I would have probably said:

"Yeah wishful thinking, but not likely."

I have written about my journey in roughly 32 blog posts here, hardly a journey compared to others. I probably have left way too many details out, but I think anyone who reads it will get the main point. I remember the first time I admitted to being gay a few years ago and immediately after that thinking: "Oh shit, I'm married and have children, what the heck am I going to do about this?" It wasn't easy to come out to myself it certainly wasn't easy to say it out loud to my wife; one of the hardest things I've ever done was telling my children, yet I am still here--I heard somewhere that pain is an indication that you're still alive. Well, I've been very alive for the last couple of years and especially the last few months. I certainly don't walk up to perfect strangers or even people I know and tell them I'm gay, but it is getting more and more comfortable to come out to people I know I can trust; it feels good and the experience has been positive so far.

• Are you happy with where you are? why or why not?

In spite of all the pain I've gone through and the pain I've afflicted loved ones with, I honestly can say that I am happier than I've been in many years. I have spent time with a therapist but no longer feel as much angst as I did a few months ago. I have been able to find and meet good influences in my life. I believe I have made peace with the LDS Church: I honor my background, I accept that it does/has good things, but honestly there's nothing in it that appeals my activity there, certainly not as a single, gay dad... this issue used to cause me a lot of conflict and pain but that's not the case anymore. Everyday gets better and better.

• Where do you see yourself in the future?

Well, not very different than now, to be honest. I'm still a dad, I still have responsibility to my children. I'd like to be able to have them understand more about where I come from. I'm sure they love me like I love them and I hope that we can have more dialogue about what it all means to us all. I'm still a son/brother and heck now I'm even an ex-husband--I'd like to see how all those relationships evolve with time. I'm still an employee--I have responsibilities to my employer and need to make a living, I don't see that changing very much. There are many things I'd like to do/see/try. I have my bucket list that still has lots of thins to cross off! I used to be scared-stiff about the thought of ever meeting someone that might catch my attention in a romantic way, but I suppose all in good time...

• What roadblocks do you have and/or have overcome?

I think the biggest roadblock was the one I created for myself and it was the most difficult/ugly to beat by fighting who I am and not accepting me. All the other issues I have dealt with have been minimal compared to dealing against myself.

• What advice do you have for others following a similar path that you have?

Things are certainly different now than they were 20 years ago (heck did I just say how old I am?!?--there goes the chance of meeting someone now!!! LOL). When I came home from my mission, the only logical path for me was marriage-- but nowadays that is not the case, things have certainly evolved and got better, because of many people who have made it possible. I think there are certainly lots of brave and amazing pioneers--just look at my blog list on the right and you'll read about them--the only thing I'd ever say to someone is be yourself, don't let yourself be guided by society's supposed rules of behavior, stand out. I've wondered if I would have ever got married if I had accepted who I was back then--not likely, things might be different but then again there are a lot of things/joys that came with marriage, the biggest one of them being my children. I know nowadays there are other ways to have children: Adoption, surrogacy and just even by raising nieces and nephews and heck if you do choose to get married to a woman go for it, but do it in full disclosure, let her make an informed decision, which I never allowed my ex to do. Love and let yourself be loved--

• What advice do you have for family and friends?

I'm queer, I'm here, deal with it!!!

Ok, just kidding---But I'm still here and I'm the same guy who cares about your life, your issues, the economy, the environment, health, etc. I don't want to re-decorate your home, or break out in show tunes. Whatever you've heard about how 'The Gays" are, I'm here to dispel the stereotypes. I don't have an agenda, I am not here to recruit your children. I still like to watch The Office, 30-Rock and Saturday Night Life! (Ok I'll admit that I took a quick/short peek at Glee, but honestly don't know enough about it to make any opinions--LOL)

Dang this went way long!!

My big fat Mormon weekend...

I was lucky enough to attend this weekend's Affirmation Conference. I really wasn't sure what to expect but was looking forward to meeting an online friend that I had known for many years.

I have to admit that a couple of the classes felt a little too much like being back in Elder's quorum and yet it was amazing to see guys openly hugging and cuddling with their partners. There were other workshops that were very eye-opening and very life and hope-affirming. Not having actively attended LDS services for a while it was interesting to hear the old lingo, references to scriptures and culture in a gay context, but I was very much touched by stories and experiences of people who have been where I have, where I am currently and gave me a glimpse of how things could be in the future for me. I was impressed how easy it was to learn, laugh, cry and not have to feel self-conscious about it and see how talented many of the folks who participated in the conference. I was very impressed by the parents of many of the GLBT community who attended conference to support their children, or to present their points of view, the challenges they faced and the progress they have made with their families and communities. Big thumbs up for these folks!!!

I was especially touched by the Devotional today. Sitting in a room full of men (yeah there were ladies there too) singing with strong voices brought me down to tears as I remembered my old missionary days and sing along to emotional songs like "All Creatures of our God and King" and "Lord, I will Follow Thee"---which oddly enough are some of my favorite religious songs; watching again, partners putting arms around each other's waists, wiping each other tears off their eyes and just a feeling of pure love and good spirit, no one can tell me the attendees couldn't only have access to The Spirit, but share it in a way that I had not seen anywhere else in spite of their life situations.

--Damn Mormons and their way to put tear-jerking services like no one else!! ;-)

So it was a positive experience, making me realize that my Mormon past is a huge part of me, a big part of where I come from and what has helped me shape my life. I see this weekend as a way to tie all of that heritage together and heck, why not, celebrate it!! I kept looking around the room and thinking of many of the GLBT population who have chosen to leave the church (or who have got excommunicated) and can only think of the huge loss for the church and how much it would actually gain if only they considered the possibilities of working together (better decorated Temples and churches come to mind! LOL).

So that was my big-fat Mormon weekend. I had fun, met a lot of nice people from all walks of life, I laughed, I cried, I went home...would I consider attending again? I'll have to see where I am next year, but it never hurts to visit San Francisco and all the goodies it has to offer!