These kinds of posts are hard to write, I want to write as objectively as possible and avoid sounding like a completely selfish jerk but as anyone can probably tell, it ain't working...
We're getting close to being apart for 1 month.
I see her--my wife--should I start calling her my ex? :( --on average twice a week, when I pick up the kids and when I drop them off. The minute I start heading up towards their place I feel an anxiety attack coming--have have to literally control my breathing, distract myself somehow and tell myself it is going to be ok. There have been a couple of times that I've felt like turning around rather then dealing with it, but my time with the kids is limited so I'm not about to give up. I try to be civil and say hi and maybe make small conversation, but I hardly ever get so much as a hello. I took the kids to dinner on Thursday and got take out for her, I didn't get a thank you. I bought her a little knick knack when I went out of town and I barely got a 'meh' when I gave it to her. There have been times when I've sent the kids a good night text and include her in it, nothing back--I suppose it is better than getting anger shot back at me...
I want to show her that I still care about her and that I want us to remain friends. My therapist said I have to give her time and give her a break, I have probably let go of the marriage a long time ago and she needs time to grieve and process this all on her own--I suppose it is fair to say this is true. Still there's this twinge of hope at least for some form of civility that I am willing to show and I don't see anything in return. Maybe in time...There have been a couple of times that she has seen me in a sad mood and after exchanging a couple of words she'll say: "This is what you wanted, right?" I don't know if she says that to guilt me into anything or help me process something---I don't know how to answer that and it honestly it ends up pissing me off, but hey at least the sadness ends!!
Aside for a couple of things I did for myself, I had spent a good portion of 15+years trying to make things right by her, do what she liked, go where she wanted, do the activities she chose. Now that I don't have to do those things I honestly feel kind of lost and the hard part is knowing where to let go and where to find my own way without feeling/appearing like I don't care. Maybe I should have grown a spine (or a pair? LOL) earlier in the marriage and not ever develop myself into an emasculated twit, put my foot down on certain things, make it clear where I stood on others instead of giving in so much in an effort to hide my insecurities---oh well it is too late now.
-Part of me feels horribly sad that I failed at this marriage thing...it was never my intention to fail at it when I got married, even knowing the challenges I was facing then.
-Part of me feels excited to have been able to finally admit to myself who I am and be able to move on someday, in spite of the misery caused to everyone and knowing that someday things will get better--whatever getting better means.
As always, I have to say that this is just my side of the story, I'm sure if I were looking at it from the opposite end, I'd probably be experiencing/writing completely different things.--Alright, enough of my self-pity party!!! I am typically upbeat and positive about everything, I see the benefit of writing these kinds of posts and being able to read them in retrospect, but I will not dwell in this dark mood, life is too short and it is just not my nature.
PL--since my wife was married before, I've lived what you are going through vicariously. Years and years of dropping off, picking up kids in multiple manners. Some of those were horrible, some were fine. Once i was so mad at him I was screaming profanities and threatening his sorry little butt.
ReplyDeleteMy own parents had a really sad divorce after many years of marriage. They now are quite content talking to each other, and spent part of the 4th together with my brother's tribe, and my stepfather.
I guess what I'm saying, is that things will take time to heal, so just give them the time. Be polite, gracious, and communicate as needed about the kids, but don't expect much else for awhile.
Reading what you wrote, it doesn't sound like the relationship was too healthy in terms of control issues. You won't miss that.
Please don't feel guilty about those kids or "failing" in a marriage. God didn't really explain to either of us all that we were going to feel or exactly what affect it was going to have.
Joe
Hi Joe!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the sound advise and kind words
Hugs, pl
Divorce is really difficult. It's a situation that is just plain painful for everyone involved, no matter who you are. I went through it, so I understand to a degree where you're coming from. I don't have kids though, so I didn't have to go through that aspect of it.
ReplyDeleteI think your therapist is right on. Give your wife some time. You both need to grieve. You've lost something that maybe you thought you could count on, something that maybe you thought would always last.
I remember those feelings of failure. I tried to love someone and it didn't work. Someone tried to love me and couldn't. But neither one of us were happy and we couldn't give each other what we needed. Now he's remarried and has a family. I think he's found what he always wanted, and our divorce gave him that opportunity. As much as it hurt, I still love him and want him to be happy. And I'm happier now too. I think that being married really helped me face the truth about myself and who I am. So even if it sucked to go through, I'm glad that I did, because now I know. I guess that's the Phoenix that rose from the ashes.
Here's some advice my therapist gave to me too...there's a grief in coming to terms with who you are and it's not often a grief that gets acknowledged. People who go through this process have to give up some of the ideas and dreams they had for their lives, because often, this is not where we thought we'd be.
Hang in there. You'll make it. You'll figure it out. If you ever want to talk or anything, I'm here for you.
"there's a grief in coming to terms with who you are and it's not often a grief that gets acknowledged"
ReplyDeleteI hadn't thought of this and it makes perfect sense. Thanks for pointing it out to me and thanks for all your other words. I find it interesting the kinds of thoughts/emotions that come to my mind out of nowhere, some are scary and some are just plain amusing sometimes!
Hugs, pl