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I'm pretty sure it is because of the stress of the separation, but we're fighting...

We never used to fight, ever...

Maybe that wasn't the best way to deal with life before and is making it hard to deal with everything. We're not fighting as in throwing things to each other, just yelling over misunderstandings, misinterpretations of actions. But when we weren't fighting we weren't talking either, she said she just didn't know what else to say.

Who are these two strangers who had it so seemingly altogether at one point?

Opening up is hard for me. I don't bury my head in the sand or anything but I might a well with my body language and lack of response so I have to push myself to talk. We actually sat down on Monday evening to talk without fighting about the pain and fears. I keep hearing that the kids are heartbroken, they can't deal with things, yet I've talked to the kids and while they are not happy about what is going on, they are doing their best to understand and be supportive as much as they can---maybe we are looking at two different things--I don't know. I offered yet again if this is too much to bear, then why are we separating? Can't we try to stay together for everyone's sakes and see what we can make out of life?She said she'd think about it and we felt much better afterward.

A couple of busy days came and went. She talked to me last night and told me that she doesn't think it is a good idea to stay together, what happens if we're back in the same boat in 3 months, 6 months, 1 year? She says putting the kids through this seems pretty unbearable, I think she is projecting herself on the kids---they seem more able to keep it together than the two of us can---. Frankly, I share her feelings, I don't want to go around in circles and be back in the same place. She told me that she doesn't want me to stay because of guilt and pity, whatever we have to deal with, we might as well do it now...

I feel guilty for putting them through this and I feel guilty wanting to stay together. I keep hearing how much this has destroyed her as a woman and as a person, if only I had done this sooner, earlier...I told her this is the very reason I had put things off for so long, there was never going to be a good time or painless way to get through it. There are days I honestly wished I could just be run over by a train instead of having to deal with this. I asked if it makes it any better even by a slight margin that I haven't cheated or that I'm not doing this because there's someone already in my life? It does help some I guess.

I know as painful as this is, someday we'll all be better off and hope/pray for when the day gets here. So we're looking at the week after the kids are off school. I've scheduled time off work that week but honestly I am not looking forward to it getting here...