Monday, April 27, 2009

Roller Coaster

Well, here I am...

One foot in front of the other, breathe in, breathe out, one day at a time, one sleepless hour at a time...

Is it possible to hurt this much and know that everything is going to be alright someday?

Do I stay with my wife, even though we're so far removed from each other there's no emotional connection (forget the physical one, that train left the station long ago...) ?

I see my children's faces, they know something is up, they see us talking, crying and it breaks my heart. I don't doubt I have to tell them what's going on. I know they'll be OK but how can I make this a hurt as little as possible, because hurt it will....I'm sure

more to come...

5 comments:

  1. PL, my heart breaks for all of you. This may sound cliche, but if you want to stay, it takes forgiveness and then a willingness to rekindle the love you once felt. For me, it required doing what I did to fall in love the first time. Mainly it involved service to her. We come to love those we serve.

    If you are beyond that, I pray you will each find a way to find personal happiness and provide the peace and security your kids need. You are in my prayers.

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  2. Thanks Braveone,

    Good thoughts...I'm doing some serious soul searching to come up with a good decision. I can consider it, but I also have to consider what she may want--or not It is hard either way

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  3. Daniel made a comment on Sarah's blog this morning that I think is worth some thought, at least.

    In a nutshell, he said that women whose husbands come out to them can either fear or disdain who he has revealed himself to be, or she can embrace it--and those marriages in which the wife embraces her husband's homosexuality have a much greater chance of success than those in which she cannot do so.

    Obviously the husband's wishes and actions are also a major part of the equation, but it's been my observation that a mixed-orientation cannot be truly successful (if we define success as both husband and wife being happy with the relationship the majority of the time) unless it is built on honesty and acceptance.

    Can your wife learn to accept you for who you are? Does she want the marriage to work enough that she's willing to work at it? Do you want things to work enough that you're willing to not only continue to sacrifice your wants, but also be patient with her as she reprograms her thinking?

    Only the two of you together can really decide what's best for your family. The right choice may not be the obvious one. Hopefully with God's help you'll find the right choice and have the strength and courage to make it. You're in my prayers!

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  4. Ditto to what Scott said. Hang in there. Thanks for keeping us all updated. Remember, you are welcome to come over and bounce ideas off of us any time. Big hug. Lots of prayers and positive thoughts coming your way. :)

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  5. Thank you Scott & Sarah for your kind thoughts & ideas. You've given me lots to think about and address. I have a lot to learn and practice from watching you two going through your experiences and as you show the rest of us that while not easy, there is a possible way to make it in spite of all the obvious challenges.

    I have to start looking for what my wife and I feel is the right thing to do and when I'm down in the dumps it seems like there's nothing left worth fighting for, but I'm not so sure we're there yet, I don't know if we're going to make it out of this, but it is worth a shot. Again, you two are a true example and inspiration.

    Hugs, PL

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