Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Don't forget the straight ones!

So I've been busy getting a life, too busy to update this dang blog!

I met my counselor last week and was going through the list of things I'm doing to get out of my place and not sit and start thinking dumb and obscure thoughts. I told her I had gone to lunch with Hank (a friend I blogged about way back when), I told her I had got Milk on Nexflix and invited another friend to my place to watch it with me, it was a nice experience and had a pleasant time just hanging with someone watching a movie and eating popcorn. Then I mentioned that I went to the Pride Center for a support group that turned out to be a very positive experience when I really had been very nervious about, but pushed myself out of my comfort zone and it was a good outcome. Finally told her I was planning to attend Scott and Sarah's Moho party on Saturday night. This was all done in between a full-time job, a dance group reharsals/performances and spending time with the kids.

She said she was very impressed I had done all of that and that I was finding positive outcomes for my new life! She then said: "Don't forget your straight friends"....er, ummmm. I guess in my eagerness to find a life I had been neglecting some of my friends, such as one who invited me to go to the Arts Festival--really? is that a 'straight activity'? LOL--...I was spending time with the kids, so I couldn't go and they didn't want to go there either. But then I got thinking, I really don't have a lot of friends---straight or gay for that matter. Being that I had been kind of sheltering myself out of any real life I honestly can't say I have many friends that I can just hang out with or do other kinds of activities. I suppose I have a lot more work to do than I initially anticipated. How does one get a life in when our already busy lives go non-stop all week long?

I consider being gay just a part of who I am--not the one thing that defines me. I wear a lot of hats and have a variety of interests. My counselor's follow up advice was not to shelter myself again by just fostering only gay friendships--as it normally happens, I mean I can see the point of 'birds of a feather flocking together' and all --but to explore whatever makes and feels comfortable to me regardless of whether there is a gender orientation attached to the activity or community itself. I have to do a other postings about the Moho party, and my separation, but some of that is harder to deal with, so I'll just leave this one at that...

Saturday, June 13, 2009

I need to get a life...

My therapist thinks it is time for me to get a life, I thought that was the whole purpose of the mess I'm living through, ha,ha.

The last couple of weeks have been an emotional and physical roller coaster ride and yet it all seems very surreal to me. I've been keeping busy moving, splitting up stuff--yours, mine--what used to be ours and what should we do with this and finding stuff I'd forgotten about, like my old mission discussions-I'm such a pack rat, who keeps their old mission discussions from 1986? LOL

I've also been spending as much time as I can with the kids before I head back to work next week. They're doing well all things considered; their mom, well, I wish I could say the same. My heart breaks every time I see her. I didn't think I could cry anymore, that I'd run out of tears at some point and out of nowhere a picture, a book, a song will trigger a wave of emotions that unleashes the floodgates. I met a friend on Monday who had been married and divorced his wife back before the internets and moho blogging was cool. He walked me through a lot of what to expect, how to handle this and that and he said that the best way to deal with life is to just keep living it--it helped me tons to see that all the pain and hurt will get better eventually.

I hate insomnia, hopefully when I get back to the demanding job next week I'll be too exhausted to stay awake for long. I'm glad the dog keeps me company, he has no idea how many times he has been the tipping point between sanity and impending doom!

Dating? mmmh, I m not ready to cross that bridge at all or any time soon.

Oh yeah, back to getting a life...the therapist warned me about how some men go from one end to a completely extreme opposite, losing their sorrows, cares and fears to alcohol, drugs and a life of whoring themselves, as they don't quite know what to do with their newly found freedom and be careful about where I go and the choices I make. I told her that in my situation I probably have the sense of not focusing on those things, sure experimenting sounds exciting and I might be curious to go to a club for sheer amusement, but for heaven's sakes, I'm not in my 20's anymore--I just have to learn to put things in good perspective, surround myself with good people--This next part is going to make me sound like a total jack ass, but in the middle of all the sadness, I've realized that:

1. I like to sleep with the window open (or partly--it has been colder than usual)
2. I love to eat a hot breakfast in the morning--even if my place smells like eggs or whatever was cooked the rest of the day
3. I was finally able to watch "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and not feel guilty for admiring Brad Pitt and/or any other movie that I want...LOL
4. I have no sense of interior decorating, but my daughter does and she has given me lots of pointers, after all she needs to feel comfortable when coming over.
5. I found myself laughing again with the kids. I had started to push them away from my life and I love when we laugh ourselves silly with my first job stories or watch their cute faces light up when I showed them my high school yearbook!
6. I can eat pizza again without feeling like I'm selfish and hurting someone's feelings or chinese food without feeling like I'm a weirdo for liking sweet and sour chicken.
7. I love having friends/family over for dinner or just to hang, it has been a lifetime since that has happened and I look forward to doing that again.

I think I'd forgotten me and in the midst of trying to do the right thing I'd forgotten how to live... watch out world, I'm going to join you again!