Monday, December 28, 2009

Good times--Christmas Report

Much better than expected---ok that's the Reader's Digest Version. :-)

I had to work on Thursday while still finishing and putting things together for the kids, their mom and a couple of other people. I had been warned by my daughter that I might not be invited to the family (in-laws) dinner and I had sort of prepared myself for the disappointment mentally until I was asked to be there by her mom promising that there would be no drama (ha!).

Still just to make sure I wouldn't get a last minute surprise I grabbed the kids, took them to my place and had them open the presents I had for them. As I did this I was handed two boxes in a very non-consequential tone--kind of a "hey, I don't want to but here are your presents anyway"--nothing really outstanding; sure the gesture was certainly appreciated especially since I didn't have to actually write what I wanted, how much and where to get it and then having to actually go and get it myself as I had in the past couple of years....ok....Dinner with the family was nice, so was exchanging presents. When I was getting ready to leave, I pulled the kid's presents to their mom and then handed her mine. I think she was taken by surprise because she said: "OMG sorry we didn't get you something nicer" to which her mom immediately and without missing a beat said: "I'm sure he wasn't expecting anything from you anyway..." I just said my good nights and left without much more. Sure, no drama--(well, not much anyway).

I had made plans to attend a Midnight Christmas service. I'm glad someone had the sense to share this with me. I sat in an unfamiliar church listening to choirs, orchestra music, a tiny little sermon and right at midnight all lights were turned off, we had been handed candles and the pastor only kept one main candle on in the church from which he drew light to share to the other ones and the light made it all around the church in less than a minute. He had referenced The Savior, the Light of The World and how His light was shared to everyone, who then became our own light and enough to share with others. The illustration was brilliant and nothing like I had experienced before. Right after that we sang Silent Night and I lost it then. I sobbed uncontrollably, I'm sure letting all the anxieties and stresses of the season out. I hope I didn't freak the person who I was with too much, but he just held me there allowing me to just let it all out...

See, this person had surprised me a couple of days before with an extremely nice Christmas present, nothing I had possibly imagined or guessed and yet he had taken the time to listen and pay attention to enough details in my life to put it all together. I am amazed not only at the present itself but the time it took to concoct it all together, just for me... No one had ever done anything of that magnitude for me ever before, the gesture was far more impressive than anything.

---I don't mean to rag on my ex, but this is one of the things that we had not ever connected on, sure it is nice to give and get presents and other things in life, but year after year I had been either handed things just like the two boxes mentioned above or told to just go get whatever I had picked out, no sense that any thought/care had ever been given on my behalf and of course, I sat there and took this form of abuse because in my mind, I deserved it... For all I know I could have been happy with a box of matches, as long as there had been some kind of thought put into it. Sure I could have started doing the same thing myself, but in my mind, you don't do that to the person(s) that mean the most in your life -- but I digress...

I was shown so much love, not just by this person, but several other friends/family this season. I'm sure many of them must have imagined how hard it might be this time around and reached out to me. My heart was touched beyond words over and over with simple things like a call, a text, a Christmas card... I'm glad the experience was awesome and as I told someone, I was very worried about the anxiety and loneliness but instead I was surprised to be able to enjoy time to relax and rest, feeling more touched by everyone's care and reaching out with their own lights and making me feel very blessed!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Christmas wishes and dreams...

Last year about this time I was on a downward slope with my life. I hated everything about the season, I wanted to do nothing with people and to say that I was in a funk was putting it lightly; I was depressed.

What a difference a year makes. I wasn't sure I would ever come to the point I am in now. I always worried about the pain and angst that it would cause to come out, admit to my wife/kids who I really was, but my pain and angst were also starting to show by making their lives miserable (or so I'm told); so the best way to deal with it was to pull the Band-Aids I had been using to keep everything seemingly together and let the wounds bleed. Six months have gone by and sure, things are still difficult and uncertain to a point, but I feel full of hope and possibilities.

When the holiday season started I thought: "Oh no, here we go, depression just come in and take a spot in my life, let's see how I'm going to deal with you this year!". But instead I've found that it hasn't been that hard. Sure, it has been somewhat stressful and challenging but it is nothing like it has been in the past years. I have also tried to have a better attitude and just enjoy the times. Of course it has helped that I can focus on my kids, whatever little things I can do and ways I can show them I love them.

I have also been having strange dreams about my ex. The freak me out completely and I don't know what to make of them. Often times in the dreams I think: WTF? Why are we here, where are the kids? What's going on? and then it dawns on me that I'm dreaming and my alarm clock usually goes off shortly after that---What in the heck does REM sleep have to do with that? I guess I'll have to do some research about it... or not!

This posting is just all over the place, but hey, that's how my life usually runs anyway. I'm wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, hope that you all have a great season of love and good times!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

December's Topic: When I knew

I'm following Abelard's monthly topic and I had a pretty good time reading Scrum Central's .

My earliest memory about this topic would be sitting in the men's locker room and realizing that there were naked men all around and I could not take my eyes off of them. I couldn't have been more than 8 or 9 years old...the feeling and sensation of that experience were something I'd never had before. The next time was probably a few years later (likely 12 or 13) when I opened my parent's Reader's Digest and there he was, an athlete (possibly a baseball or football player) in his red-colored briefs for an underwear ad...O M G !! The same feelings I had in the locker room came rushing back. If I had I hid that magazine and looked at that one page from time to time.

The feelings (or should I say the signs!!!) were all there, watching TV shows, I used to love to watch the Brady Bunch reruns because I had the biggest crush on Greg and Peter. I loved watching Little House on the Prairie because I loved watching Mr Ingels and Laura's husband, no other reason, LOL. Movies? Do I even have to go there? I likely spent the next few years watching hottie men on film and TV and crushing on them big time.

But for me when I probably realized I was gay and it wasn't going to change was about three months after I was married and feeling the lust after noticing a very handsome man---yeah that way--wanting to rip his clothes off and find out what it was all about. I should have paid attention much sooner, but hey, some of us are slow learners!!!