Got my freak on for Christmas!

In years past, somewhere after Labor day when someone would bring up drawing names or plans for the holidays I would immediately feel a tight knot in my stomach that would send me into depression, only to be exacerbated by the first time I heard "White Christmas" that used to make me cry with sadness. It could have been the stress of how to impress people and all that is tied with it and I was especially not looking forward to it last year going through the turmoil of a separation. I had commented to the babe that I wasn't a big fan of the holidays and I'm sure it probably raised red flags for him but somehow it ended up being a pleasant experience.

This Christmas things were much better. I did have the initial angst but things are different, I realized that I have a lot of control of my attitude and how I would handle situations this time around. I really enjoyed my family's party, went to a few other friend's parties and dinners through the month and even got an official invite to the X's family dinner on Christmas Eve, but I told the kids I wouldn't go. I seriously didn't want to put anyone in the situation of having to deal with anxiety and family drama; been there, done that! Instead I focused my efforts on the kids and I was able to join the babe again at his church's midnight candlelight service on Christmas Eve which in my mind is the best way to reflect and feel the spirit of the season.

What a difference a year makes! I did spend a lot of  time alone but I also found things to keep busy like learning to bake (well more like learning to clean the oven over and over again after some of my failed attempts!) I was able to listen and sing along to Christmas carols (I still find a couple of them sad!) but the babe and I spent more time together this year (some with his own family) and creating some of what we hope to be ongoing traditions for us. Just like last year, he managed to come up with some amazing presents and somewhere between fighting the tears and an incredible amount of gratitude I managed to tell him how great it is to feel that I matter to someone.

So big thumbs up for this holiday season, I know that in spite of my happy post there are plenty out there who struggle with the holidays and I sincerely hope that if that was the situation, at least someone reached out or if nothing else you reached out to others to make even a slight difference in a life and help make the season better all around. I've been there and I know how bad and lonely it can feel even while being in the middle of a celebration or a crowd and if nothing else, hope that there can and always be good times ahead!!

November Theme: What are you thankful for?

1. My children-- they bring me joy, they make me proud papa and make it all better with a big hug, no matter what may be going on in our lives.
2. The babe--I only talk about him in general terms here but he's an amazing, loving, funny, handsome and caring guy that came to rescue me from myself in times when I wasn't sure I'd make it through the next hour, let alone the next day.
3. Family and extended relatives who show their love and care. I wish that distance was easier on all of us to share in more good times in person.
4. Friends that I learn from, who show me love and care, who check up on me and take even just a minute to say hey, text their pictures and the occasional hello for no reason---you all rock!!
5. Good health and the occasional aches and pain that make me appreciate the times when all is well with this aging body.
6. A job that allows me to make a decent living and challenges me to be a better employee each day.
7. The Internets that allow me to stay in touch and connected with people especially on those odd nights when insomnia kicks my butt and allows me to learn and appreciate people from all walks of life around the world.
8. The dog who seems to know just when I need a lick in the face or he'll just come and sit on my lap as if to say "I got your back, no one can mess with us"
9. Hope. Hope that things can always get better even if they don't seem to at a given moment.
10. For making it through such a roller-coaster year of emotions, angst, and sometimes sad times, but also was lucky enough to have plenty of good, sweet and happy times as well.

Thankful for...

Wow posting so much, I guess it is therapeutic.

1. I'm thankful for my current life. In spite of the ups and downs, I have learned a lot about myself in the last few months. Not everything has been good/fun, but not everything has been sad/bad. For the first time in a long, long time I feel a sense of happiness--yeah sure lots of uncertainty--but I feel that I am true to myself and others.

2. I'm thankful for my kids. I see how they adapt to their disrupted home life with a good face, they bring me so much joy and they bring me so much stress. I suppose they are the measure of how things are going in the areas that matter. I'm also thankful for their mom, she has been very reasonable these few months and that is more than I could ever hope for in a separation. I'm thankful for my family, I've come out to about 1/2 of them and they're still there for me. I'm sure the other 1/2 knows about me but we just haven't got around to talk one-on-one, all in good time and I don't expect things to be much different when I know for sure they all know.

3. I'm thankful for my Moho friends. I see our similar paths, experiences and circumstances and how our lives are enriched by each other even though I haven't met 90% of them in real life. I'm also thankful for my non-Moho friends (those that I've come out to and those that only know I'm going through a separation) for being a huge support system, my mentors, the people that will be there for me after a quick text and allowing me to finally be myself & for tolerating my quirks and criptic messages on Facebook, LOL.

4. There are so many things I can be thankful for (my dog, my jobs, my car, cable TV, my comfy place to live, "the internets"); that I can feel pain to remind make me apreciate the healthy and good times.

5. Finally I am really thankful because there is someone out there that I never expected would come into my life. I had not even considered the possibility of knowing/meeting someone so soon with everything else that is going on in my life and all its craziness. He makes me feel wanted & loved. We are very early in the stages of getting to know each other, I have no idea where is this going to go and my mind panics thinking of all the wrong reasons to even allow myself to go there, but my heart says just let it be, for what it is worth it may not amount to anything but the ride has been exciting and the rush highly intoxicating to the point bringing me to tears just thinking about it. If nothing else this person is showing me that I am capable of the kind of love so many out there think (& I myself thought) wasn't possible...we'll see where that goes... :)

Thankful!

Reaching out

I want to publicly thank those who have reached out to me by email, phone and Facebook messages over the last couple of days. I will never cease to be grateful to have stumbled on this online community and pledge to pay forward the kindness and help anyone who should ever need it...

I was mainly touched by all my brothers/sisters in-law who have been checking on me and invited me to a barbecue this afternoon (my kids and their mom went out of town for the long weekend) as soon as I got there all my nieces/nephews swarmed around me and everyone was so welcoming and loving, I almost lost it but was able to hold the tears from the love they showed me when they didn't even have to.

Got to love people's capacity for human decency & going above and beyond!