I wonder if it is possible to have one's cake and eat it too?
1. Being a gay Mormon man
2. Having the fairy tale temple wedding--hey guys also want those!!!
3. Having children, extended relatives and possibly friends who may/may not understand all the complications
Some people see it as a total contradiction, a heressy of sorts.
How can a gay person meet their basic individual needs (cultural/intellectual/belonging to a group of sorts)
Sexual needs are probably in a category by themselves. Sure some gay men may feel fulfilled by just knowing they are gay and somehow living a celibate life, according to LDS policies. Some men may find a fulfilling sex life with their straight spouse---may be true in the earlier years of marriage, after all the drive is definitely there, but at least from personal experience and other's that I've read, this diminishes with time and it may drive an ultimate wedge in the marriage--blessed are those that can still manage this side of their lives, in my opinion!
It this fair to the straight spouse--the innocent bystander? Is it fair to the marriage, the emotional/physical/spiritual relationship? I can probably agree that if there's full disclosure before marriage and the person accepts the potential challenges that being with a gay person will bring in their personal lives at some given point. I feel horrible for the spouses --like mine-- who never got the chance to make a fully informed decision due to my insecurities and unfounded expectations that by marrying in the temple and being able to have sex the feelings would go away.
Is it fair to the possible children to be put in the middle of this ship that is more than likely destined to sink?
What about other close relatives (in-laws) and close friends?
I have had advice from some Moho's by email and by comments and the opinions are about split evenly. Some say it might be possible to have a mixed-orientation marriage if both parties exercise a lot of forgiveness, communication, charity and work together. I even went as far as asking someone from work who is a LDS ex-stake president, of course I told him about "a friend of a friend who is going through this"--he said that in his experience, these kinds of marriages don't survive, the odds are horribly stacked against them.
Frankly, I do not see lot of hope out there, but I am still not giving up without a fight. I've been fighting for almost 16 years, is there a time when i say enough, I can't keep fighting anymore?
I'd be interested to hear the possible of experiences of anyone who reads this and cares to comment. Again, if you'd rather do it direcly by email, it is on my profile.
For me, I do not believe that "this ship is destined to sink". Sure, it is a constant struggle to keep it afloat. Sure, it's a lot of work and takes constant vigilence to look out for the next storm (there is always a "next storm") but this boat captain is sailing into his 28th year!
ReplyDeleteIt is possible. The sexual connection has been the hardest to keep as you can imagine. But, we've never allowed the emotional connection to disconnect. I think that has been crucial. Being best friends, having common goals, commitment and consistency - they all come to the table to play.
Is it fair? Is it right? Is it selfish to want your cake and eat it, too? Is it wrong to put the kids through this? Is it ultimately hopeless and destined for failure? Those are questions I've asked myself countless times. Those are questions only you and your wife can answer. There are no standard answers. You have to decide.
But I do not believe a hopeless and inevitable destiny is all that is in store for me just because I'm gay!
Hi Beck,
ReplyDeleteYou make very good points. I do believe that it is possible to make it, as long as both parties are willing to make the effort. I don't mean to criticize anyone by 'wanting their cake and eat it too' I'm merely trying to see things from different points of view. Maybe it is selfish to want the whole thing, maybe it is selfish to want to give it up as well...I don't know. I admire your efforts and constant fight, 28 years, wow! Thanks for your comments.
hugs, PL
no, you can't have your cake and eat it too. the sexual connection will never be there.
ReplyDeletebut few marriages have it all. recently visited my niece. looks like a great marriage, but she's a harvard grad and he doesn't like to read. i'm sure she'd like to share an intellectual experience with him, but it ain't gonna happen. so she joins a book club and i meet with a men's yoga group.
at one point i thought, kids are raised and gone; with that taken care of, maybe our marriage should celebrate our successes and end on a positive note. but though i could find a new partner, my wife would not likely be able to do so. and what about my kids--when their marriages hit a rough spot, would they say, hey dad bailed out, maybe i should too? nope, i couldn't do it.
Hi Santorio,
ReplyDeleteVery valid points, all of them. We have discussed that part of our marriage failures are that we don't really have examples of good marriages around us....well what is a good marriage anyway? :-)
Marriages in general are hard, let alone a mixed-orientation one. My mom married three times, her first husband died, she divorced the 2nd one (my dad) and so far she's been married to my stepdad for over 30 years, but not without major struggles, one of the issues they've dealt with all children out of the home is that they hardly (if at all) have anything in common, yet keep trying. There is no one answer fix to this....
Hugs, PL
I don't have a lot of time right now to expound, but I agree with Beck. I think our marriage will make it. The sexual aspect has never been the best, but enough to bond us and enrich our marriage.
ReplyDeleteIntimacy is so much more than just sex. My favorite part of the day is at night when she lays her head on my shoulder and we fall asleep together. Priceless.
I wish you all the best.
After awhile, the cake gets stale. I have been married 12 years, and am closer to bisexual than just gay. The early years were good, but currently things are bad. I don't know if we'll make it or not. When my wife found out I had deceived her and never told her the truth--it nearly ended our marriage. Perhaps you just can't hide the truth forever. Sex has never been a problem for me. I like it too much. But I don't know how to turn off my attraction to men.
ReplyDeleteMy advice to the young, unmarried mormon who falls on the gay side--don't get married.
Thanks for your comment Bravone. Had I read this before Friday I would have held out some hope, but hey, that's life.
ReplyDeleteWelcome Joe!!!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I just found your blog too! You'll feel right at home here with the Moho's. We are in good company and will discover as I did how great was to find someone who could understand my POV completely!
Hugs, PL