Got my freak on for Christmas!

In years past, somewhere after Labor day when someone would bring up drawing names or plans for the holidays I would immediately feel a tight knot in my stomach that would send me into depression, only to be exacerbated by the first time I heard "White Christmas" that used to make me cry with sadness. It could have been the stress of how to impress people and all that is tied with it and I was especially not looking forward to it last year going through the turmoil of a separation. I had commented to the babe that I wasn't a big fan of the holidays and I'm sure it probably raised red flags for him but somehow it ended up being a pleasant experience.

This Christmas things were much better. I did have the initial angst but things are different, I realized that I have a lot of control of my attitude and how I would handle situations this time around. I really enjoyed my family's party, went to a few other friend's parties and dinners through the month and even got an official invite to the X's family dinner on Christmas Eve, but I told the kids I wouldn't go. I seriously didn't want to put anyone in the situation of having to deal with anxiety and family drama; been there, done that! Instead I focused my efforts on the kids and I was able to join the babe again at his church's midnight candlelight service on Christmas Eve which in my mind is the best way to reflect and feel the spirit of the season.

What a difference a year makes! I did spend a lot of  time alone but I also found things to keep busy like learning to bake (well more like learning to clean the oven over and over again after some of my failed attempts!) I was able to listen and sing along to Christmas carols (I still find a couple of them sad!) but the babe and I spent more time together this year (some with his own family) and creating some of what we hope to be ongoing traditions for us. Just like last year, he managed to come up with some amazing presents and somewhere between fighting the tears and an incredible amount of gratitude I managed to tell him how great it is to feel that I matter to someone.

So big thumbs up for this holiday season, I know that in spite of my happy post there are plenty out there who struggle with the holidays and I sincerely hope that if that was the situation, at least someone reached out or if nothing else you reached out to others to make even a slight difference in a life and help make the season better all around. I've been there and I know how bad and lonely it can feel even while being in the middle of a celebration or a crowd and if nothing else, hope that there can and always be good times ahead!!

Favorite moment of 2010: When the planets aligned

I was driving the kids back to mom's last night and my son asked what was my favorite moment of 2010. While I was trying to pick my brain I blurted out: "Well anytime I'm hanging out with you guys is my favorite time" to which my daughter replied: "Aaaaww dad, that's so corny!"

"Fine, I said, if I had to pick a favorite moment of 2010 it would be my birthday" I remember writing briefly about it back in October and I said I'd come back with more details but I don't think I ever did. A few months ago I had sort of confessed to the babe that if I could have one thing for my birthday it would be to have the three people I loved with me on that day, the kids and him, maybe dinner even if I had to cook it and just be together.

He had already met my son earlier so that wasn't that big a deal, I knew that meeting my daughter would be a whole other issue and I wasn't even sure how to approach the topic, because I had been made feel that there was no way that would ever happen, so the only thing I could do was to maybe mention things about him to my daughter. I started out by showing her pictures of some of the cakes that the babe has made for his nieces and nephews and how he does that as a tradition. One day she just said: "Well what does he do if he can make all these things?" She then asked, where he lived, did he have pets, etc?

I figured, well here it goes and I asked her how comfortable would she be meeting him on my birthday? She didn't even hesitate for a second and said that it would be just fine. My heart leaped a little but I still knew that anything could potentially change up to the minute she would actually meet him, so I hoped for the best but expected the worst. I think we were all anxious (hell, I know I was and so was he--he told me the night before!) but all things went as planned/expected and he arrived  to my place, brought a cake he had been working on and after meeting her he immediately asked her to help him do the final touches on the cake during which they talked about everything like old friends about books, movies, music and other stuff.

We went out to dinner and the focus continued being on them, never in a condescending way. There was never a mean or disrespectful word between them at all. The kids are pretty outspoken about things they like, feel and believe but never felt threatened by anything from his side. After dinner we came back to my place and had cake and milk. I was so happy my heart felt like it was going to burst. I don't think I had felt so much gratitude to God, Karma, or whatever made that happen and aligned the planets to make it happen. I felt so much love for the kids for giving me that. The babe kept saying how great the kids were, but in my mind I kept thinking how amazing he really is and I probably fell 200 more times in love with that man for making it happen and making it look so effortlessly.

So there it is, my happiest moment of 2010. Do you have a best memory of the year? Blog about it or discuss it here, whatever is best!

November Theme: What are you thankful for?

1. My children-- they bring me joy, they make me proud papa and make it all better with a big hug, no matter what may be going on in our lives.
2. The babe--I only talk about him in general terms here but he's an amazing, loving, funny, handsome and caring guy that came to rescue me from myself in times when I wasn't sure I'd make it through the next hour, let alone the next day.
3. Family and extended relatives who show their love and care. I wish that distance was easier on all of us to share in more good times in person.
4. Friends that I learn from, who show me love and care, who check up on me and take even just a minute to say hey, text their pictures and the occasional hello for no reason---you all rock!!
5. Good health and the occasional aches and pain that make me appreciate the times when all is well with this aging body.
6. A job that allows me to make a decent living and challenges me to be a better employee each day.
7. The Internets that allow me to stay in touch and connected with people especially on those odd nights when insomnia kicks my butt and allows me to learn and appreciate people from all walks of life around the world.
8. The dog who seems to know just when I need a lick in the face or he'll just come and sit on my lap as if to say "I got your back, no one can mess with us"
9. Hope. Hope that things can always get better even if they don't seem to at a given moment.
10. For making it through such a roller-coaster year of emotions, angst, and sometimes sad times, but also was lucky enough to have plenty of good, sweet and happy times as well.

Prayer

Growing up in my family we used to pick on the least likely person to pray when there was a gathering (yeah that one person who would hide, look down & was the least suspecting sucker) and basically put them on the spot. Not sure what the intention of that was, but as I’ve slowly become that one person who is no comfortable praying, I realize the predicament that this move put anyone in and it may have just been plain annoying—and I’m sorry that I ever happened to have been part of that conspiracy!

I asked the babe if his family prays to bless the food and I told him that I was a bit nervous that I might get picked tomorrow while having dinner with his family; I’m not sure of what would I do or say and don’t want to be rude but at the same time would not quite know how to react, while wanting to impress them and all too. I suppose if I get picked it will be Karma’s way of payback-ugh! The babe said that his family does pray but he has not been picked in years so I was probably OK and had nothing to worry about—then again, if I get to be the lucky one, I might just break out and do a chant, or a Catholic prayer, or I might even pray in Spanish, that way I can say whatever I want and they may never know---oh wait, his sisters went on Spanish missions so if I say a nice prayer I might just get on their good graces… I really don’t know why I’m freaking out about this at all…really!?!?

Prayer is one of those funny things, it is supposed to be a personal thing, the connection between the individual and God, yet, when praying in public some people love to show off a bit too much in my not-so-humble opinion. I like prayers basic and to the point, like when on the mission I taught people to pray “the LDS way”:

1. Our Father in Heaven
2. We thank you for…
3. We pray that…
4. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

Growing up in Mexico, I learned to speak to my parents, uncles and older relatives in the informal “TU” tense which in my mind brings people closer. However, depending on where you grow up a person might be taught to use the “USTED” to anyone older than oneself, relatives or not. When we converted to Mormonism we learned to pray in the less formal “TU” tense, at least in Mexico, I don’t know if other Spanish-speaking countries follow that, but I think it made God seem more like I was talking to a relative and I was less scared of Him. Having said that, I never liked the formality of Thee or Thou in English prayers--possibly stemming from the King James version of the Bible--either way it just seems presumptuous to me—Yeah I know we’re talking about God here and I get it, the Big Man Upstairs, Supreme Being, the big Kahuna but hey, it is one of those things that might make the idea of God way more than it should be... just sayin'

Anyway, a few years ago members of my family (after what might seem the fact that we relaxed enough to pick on people) came up with what seems to be an appropriate solution. If I have people over to my house there’s no prayer needed and I’ll announce it so everyone knows they can jump right in and eat. If I’m at one of my sibling’s houses and if we pray they’ll simply announce it and either that sibling or their spouse will pray, never-ever put anyone on the spot and I’ll respectfully bow my head and say amen--especially if I really want that green Jello with carrots to nourish and strengthen me! :-)

I'm praying now so that tomorrow I don’t get picked to pray--how ironic is that?!?

Musicals Part # Dos

Since I last posted about musicals I've been making it part of my morning routine to listen to the Broadway hits on Pandora Radio  and enhancing my education (or is it assimilation?)

I think the babe cried a small tear when I told him about it this morning. I was amazed that he knew the lyrics to all the songs that came on the station while drank coffee and he helped me bake stuff for my sister's dinner to which he replied: "sweetie I've been gay for much longer than you, besides my mother loves musicals & I've watched them all my life"

To which I said: "that's a lie! I'm older than you & I've been gay all my life, never mind that most of it was spent in the closet, ha!!"

To which he said: "if you know the next song that comes on I'll shut up" next song came & I didn't know it (damn!) and he made fun while not only singing but also doing the full routine to some piece from The Music Man...

I hope I'm lucky enough to marry him someday! :-)