What I really want to say is:
Works every time!!! That's all folks, carry on!
What I'm going to say is:
I used to make a point of never discussing sex in public, but I've come a long ways in the last few months, besides, if anyone really reads this blog it is very likely I've never met them and if I did, I no longer have the same issues, I have learned to discuss and share my life in new and open ways and that is good for me. I discovered masturbation long before my parents had the guts to bring up anything sexual to my attention. Who knew that a body part could bring so much entertainment to a curious kid. For the record (and my mother--even though she has no idea I write a blog), I was curious about males long before I discovered masturbation so the thought that it turns men gay is bunk.
I remember my mom walking into my room once and giving me a great deal of grief over my private activities, although I wasn't even exposed in any way, she just seemed to know what was going on and how to put an immediate stop to it, LOL. I do remember shortly after that my step-dad came to my room and in the most nervous possible way a man can talk to a 12 year old boy muttered something about: "you don't masturbate do you?" and when I answered no, he said, "well, don't do it" and left the room like a bat out of hell--and I wonder why I was never able to connect with the guy in real life about anything, oh well...
That was the extent of my sexual education at home, nothing more, nothing less. A couple of years later my mother (God bless her soul, her ears must be burning now)--dropped The Miracle of Forgiveness in my room--very likely the worst possible published book in LDS genre, but hey, what did I know, I was a master of many things, but not a literature critic--no other book has made me feel like a nasty, evil, dirty human being. I hope S. W. Kimball is roasting in hell on low heat for all the pain, sorrow he has caused the men (and women) of the LDS community with his diatribe. I went through the roller coaster during my teens, could abstain for a few days but would fall again, feeling like no progress could ever be made. I always felt that the bishop could tell about my little dirty secret, but oddly enough I was never asked directly if I masturbated all the way through my teens and my mission, but one bishop did ask me at a student ward-the same bishop to who told me my "Same-sex attraction" would go away if only I just got married...sigh!
The only thing that made me feel more at ease was a pamphlet my health teacher gave me in high school that basically said that it was normal, 95% of boys did it and the other 5% lied--alright, that last part I invented, but it is possibly true too! Finally someone was talking some sense! Of course after married life my habits didn't really change and I was quite surprised that in spite of being able to have sex with my ex-wife (whose ears are now probably burning with no logical explanation ;0) --I still needed to masturbate occassionally.
Well a few years ago I finally stopped feeling guilty about it. I realize that it is a normal function of a human being-male and/or female. I have made a point to explain to my kids that there's nothing wrong with masturbation, it is normal, it is not dirty, but it is to be kept in their personal space and even joke with my son about it sometimes--a far cry from what my parents, the church and Spencer W Kimball did to me. I no longer feel ashamed of it and hey:
IT STILL WORKS EVERY TIME FOLKS!!!
Believe it or not, this is the most I've ever talked openly about my sex life--or lack thereof in any forum, public or private, so huge breakthrough here!
OK everyone back to your knitting!
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