Sunday, August 29, 2010

Saying I love you

I've had this mulling in my head for a while....I'm not sure where in my development did I embrace the concept of saying what I meant and meaning what I said. I am not sure how or where I learned this but it was very ingrained in my psyche. My immediate family never practiced the art of telling each other "I Love You". To this day I'm not sure whether that was good, bad or just plain sad. It isn't that the love was or isn't there, but it wasn't expressed verbally like that (at least not the way I was raised).

I'm not sure it was normal, but do recall exchanging occasional "I Love You-s" with my ex, but again, it wasn't something that either one of us really expressed (maybe it was a cultural thing--you know how Latin people aren't emotional or passionate about things--ha, ha---joking people!) but again, maybe I'm on to something here, I suppose in my mind it just never sounded genuine and again, maybe it was my subconscious not wanting to look like I was saying things I didn't mean (or putting effort and stock on what I really meant or didn't want to say when I felt like I wasn't being 100% in love with her--which again causes a lot of the "loving vs being in love" issues), or maybe it is one of those culturally sensitive things that you only say to your spouse/partner/better half or significant other a couple of times in your lifetime and/or unless that changes it doesn't need to be said again...I really don't know.

Telling my children I love you is a no-brainer, it requires no effort, it is as natural as breathing. I don't have to fake fatherly love to them and I think that they're used to hearing it. I typically send my kids a "good-night, I love you" text every night and my son replies almost instantly with the same and it just warms my heart. I know my daughter has issues and often times will reply "You too!" I'd like to think she refers to "I love you too" more than the fact that it might just be a "good night too"-- but I'll take the reply either way!!!

A few years ago one of my older sisters started saying "I love you" at the end of our phone conversations. To say that it was uncomfortable to hear that, let alone say it, is an understatement, but slowly but surely I am finding myself telling my siblings that I love them when I'm on the phone with them. Maybe I just need the practice and it will be more flowing and effortless, but again, sibling love is one of those things that doesn't require lots of effort, it is just there through the good times and bad. The one person that I'm having the hardest time saying "I love you" to now is my mother, can't figure that one out. It may be because I don't hear it from her---I may have posted this before but the most I've heard from her is "You're loved"---um, yeah mom, I know I'm loved, but by whom? the dog? by the postman? the bill collector? perhaps you? I see where some of my issues come from...

Finally; what in my mind would take an obscene amount of sweat and effort, one day, a few months ago watching a movie or something I turned and I blurted out to the babe that I thought loved him. I think I caused him to catch his breath for a second, then he told me that he thought he loved me too...then I proceeded to bawl like a baby for a while in his arms--that's the only way I could deal with finally telling someone from my heart the kind of romantic love I felt the way that I wanted it and pictured it to feel like--it was an amazing experience and very liberating. I don't know if he might feel comfortable me saying this, but we text back & fort a few times a day and not once has he ever missed the phrase "I love you", not to mention saying it when we see each other in person or whispering it across a table and now it is part of our conversation--this might sound cliquish but wasn't there a movie phase that said: "The greatest joy in life is to love and be loved in return"---or something like that? Whether this relationship ends up being much more than it is now, I am glad I've been able to make this breakthrough and know that it is possible to not just feel it, but also being able to express it in many ways, including verbally--fantastic feeling!!!

Do you have a hard time saying "I love you"? why, why not?

Monday, August 16, 2010

August Theme: August Theme: Pioneer Heritage

I wish I had a cool picture of pioneers to put here, but I have no Mormon Pioneer ancestors. Back when I used to be a believing, active Mormon I always felt a twinge of envy for members who did and could tell stories of how grandma walked barefoot across the snow covered plains pulling her handcart while breastfeeding her baby, just after sending her husband on the Mormon Battalion (OK, I'm exaggerating a bit here and I'm sorry if this offends anyone whose granny actually did that!!) But it was yet another reminder how "I really didn't fit in".

However, the LDS culture always has room to spin just about anything. So sure, there could be stories like that of my uncle, the first person from the family who became a member, my step dad who gave up being a cop after converting to the church and moving his family to a new country in search of a better life. Sure, my siblings and I didn't pull handcarts, but boy we pulled lots and lots of garbage cans around buildings, mop buckets worked many nights past midnight stripping and waxing floors and still were required to wake up for early-morning seminary. I think you get the idea but I'm not so sure that's what the theme is about...

While I don't have any LDS Pioneer stories to relate, I also do believe that I've broken a lot of new ground in my life and while I've conformed in many things--yes, throw the->->had to marry a woman to meet my social/family expectations on my face again why don't you?-- I also would like to think that I've forged my own way through many others. I probably have never felt more like a Pioneer than I have in the last year and a half:

  • I may have not walked across the plains, but boy I have walked and walked. There used to be nights when all I could do to not lose my mind was to grab the dog and go on a long walk and listen to the dead silence of the streets at 3:00 a.m. I wore out a pair of tennis shoes in just a year and was also surprised to realize just how many insomniacs are out there either watching TV and occasionally walking around the streets themselves.
  • I've learned to let go of just about anything material. Ever found yourself with $5 and a 1/4 of tank of gas and about a full week until the next paycheck? I suppose this is where a lot of the walking especially walking by faith came in handy!
  • I've had to forged my way through a lot of unknowns and uncertain. Sure I have not run into wolves or other beasts but I've run into weird and not so quirky people as much as I've also run into an amazing and supportive community that in essence has circled their wagons around me more times than I've probably been able to notice one way or another.
  • Have I arrived to the promised land? Hardly, some days I'm not sure such place exists, but I have to picture my own version of Zion (yeah the one with rainbows and pride parades and where everyone is friendly, helpful and caring, after all isn't that why I like to watch beauty pageants, because I want world peace?) :-). I am not sure I'll ever find it 100% but hey, I believe that's what makes the journey all the more exciting. Some lessons have been fun and some have been painful...such is life!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

In Retrospect: Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

I remember watching this video a few years back and being brought to tears by the message:

I was captivated that Cristina was able to express how the "ugly and undesirable" in someone's eyes was also beautiful to someone else, and I was especially captivated by the gay couple. Somewhere around that time I remember finally telling myself: "Stop fighting what and who you are, it is never going to go away; accept yourself and the rest will take care of itself." Well the reality is that I had created such a mess out of my life that nothing just took care of itself, It took a few more years for things to be put in motion, lots of painful first steps, lots of painful tears, but here I am now. I still can't watch this video & not burst into tears, but I think this video touched and helped me in ways I never imagined.

Monday, August 9, 2010


This post is just a collection of current thoughts, nothing in particular earth-shattering so...don't say I didn't warn you:

1. My life is starting to take shape of somewhat of organized chaos, the last year my life was just plain chaos. I think I may be a chaos hoarder--but I can quit anytime I want, ha!! I started my chaos cleaning, some things & people that are not helping my cause have got to go, bye, bye!!

2. About twice a week I get hit by insomnia. I'm trying to pay special attention to what triggers it, what I may do in my day or habits that make it happen. I don't mind if it hits on the weekends, but on weekdays..ugh!! Mom thinks I need happy pills--or as she calls them, natural herb with no chemicals supplements to help me curb if they're herb supplements they have chemicals, where do you think all the other pills come from? I've learned that anxiety is not only real, but a total bitch... maybe mom is right, I may need happy pills...

3. I ended up removing the Facebook tag from my blog page, sorry but I started getting all weird kinds of friend requests that freaked me out (not the Moho's, that's OK I got a few of those and they're OK) but when Shanelique Polestar and her friends want to be my friend I wonder what in the world could we possibly have in common to hang out? I already have enough of a hard time maintaining lots of old ward, mission, family and other assorted friendships there, don't need more baggage (see chaos comment above!), but I updated my email address on my profile here so I can be found if you really want to hook I mean connect of course!!

4. Speaking of FB, the next time I get asked by anyone to say hi to my ex, I'm defriending them (even if it is my absend-minded but well-meaning sister: a couple of weeks ago while saying goodbye on the phone--"say hi to the kids and-insert ex's name here"--um, er sis--we're not together anymore, how many times do I have to shock you?) So what if I haven't officially announced it or updated my relationship status; this would be one of those times when I need that grapevine to spread, so why can't people just take care of doing that, you know through normal gossip?

4. I sometimes fear that the closer I get to my son and I celebrate and thank my lucky stars is the equivalent of the more distant I become from my 11 year old daughter. It scares and makes me sad to no end...

6. Spending time with the babe only makes me want to spend more time with him-- can't we just fast-forward to happily ever-after? Yeah I know; nothing in haste, one day at a time, it'll happen someday...blah, blah, blah!! Isn't that the natural order of things? Closeted gay mormon comes out, divorces, finds hunky man that makes him laugh and feel love, they decide to spend all their days in bliss and they ride together into the sunset? I want Devin's life right now... just sayin'

7. I warned you there was nothing worthwile here, don't you wish you had the time you wasted reading here back?

Saturday, August 7, 2010

The son and Prop 8, the Documentary.

Last Sunday my kid out of nowhere asked me to take him to a screening of Prop 8. Since he had met the babe briefly two weekends ago I had not wanted to touch much on gay issues with him (or say push my luck?). Anyway when he asked me to take him to the screening at a community coffee house I jumped right at the chance.

Watching the movie this time was probably harder than when I saw it at the theatre, it was a much smaller audience, a casual setting and of course my kid & his cousin were watching it right by my side. I knew I was going to feel the anger @ the LDS church, but I was a bit taken because I think I also felt a huge sense of sadness that an organization that is so much about "What Would Jesus Do" go to such extremes to push an agenda. Anyway that's really beside the point but there were several sad pieces where I had to hold the tears and keep it together.

My 16yr old is not the typical "care only about me". He loves to go on protests and marches for the issues that are close to his heart and mind. He is a very passionate kid and I recently posted a link on FB about a rally he participated at the state capitol and he was in a couple of pictures in the article holding protest signs. When he saw me trying to fight the tears at the documentary he put his arm around me and then I lost it. This is one of the most caring kids I know. Immediately after watching the documentary he was mighty pissed and wanted to know where Senator Buttars lived, LOL... I told him not to worry, the man has plenty of haters already... I read his FB postings for the next couple of days and he has now become a huge supporter of gay rights, he has come a long ways but I'm not surprised, that's just how he is.

He happened to be in my office when news broke about Prop. 8 being overturned. He saw my Facebook feed and how a lot of my Moho friends were posting left and right and he was excited as he could be. He has become a huge support of human rights, regardless of the situation. I don't think he even talks to his mom or his sister about it, I think he feels that he might hurt their feelings or make them feel that he is turning his back on them, which is not the case at all, he is just a young man who cares about a lot of things. I casually asked him what he thought about his sister's acceptance and he said: "She is still way young, give her a few years and she'll be in the same place as us".

Sometimes I wonder what happened to the little kid overnight turned in to such a mature adult. Don't get me wrong, I like it!