Wednesday, July 28, 2010

So, what now?

So much that has happened in the last year in my life. I can't help but think just how many things have changed, most of them because they needed to change and some have just happened as a result of my decisions, some good, some not-so-good, but overall I'm pleased on how somethings have evolved and how I am still working on other aspects of my life.

So where am I now?
  • I've come out to family & friends, at least the ones that matter the most in my life. I've considered doing the public-mass email to everyone just announcing it or doing a public coming out on Facebook but something tells me to just let things evolve naturally and that makes more sense to me. So far I've not had negative responses from the people I've talked to and I hope that this continues being the case--although I am realistic enough to know that there'll be some bumps on the road now and then.
  • Divorce has officially happened and I did not end up under the bridge-- to be honest I didn't postpone filing for divorce because I thought we might reconcile--I think it was pretty clear from the beginning of the separation that we were done, otherwise we wouldn't have ever split up--but because I feared that I'd end up squatting in some obscure basement room with no ability to continue having some sense of control over my quality of life--I know that is pretty irrational--but some days I was made feel in no uncertain way by my ex that she'd take me to the cleaners. Now we're redefining our relationship, sometimes it is rocky, most of the time it is just civil, if nothing else for the sake of the kids.
  • I have somehow managed to maintain a good relationship with my kids. I know they're disappointed in so many ways, but they're also very resilient. My heart has bled many times when I've seen their sad and anxious faces. At times I've feared that they'd tell me they want to have nothing to do with me--which is one of the possibilities in life, regardless of the issues--but I've tried to if nothing else show them constant attention, love and affection. I hope that someday we'll look in retrospect and all agree that it was the best thing for all of us and that our dad-children relationship keeps evolving through the years.
  • I am in a relationship with an amazing man who is loving & caring and that relationship only keeps getting deeper. A year ago this was a possibility I could imagine--but many years ahead--little did I know that things would happen way sooner. I used to day dream about someday having a boyfriend and how everything would work out just perfectly--I am not going to lie, there have been times I've felt confused and my insecurities have caused me to make mistakes--the reality is that just because a person has all the right body parts does not automatically make things perfect; people are complex and relationships are certainly complex--but boy--to be in a place where someone makes me feel so loved and needed, cared for, someone that my heart beats faster even if I see him for just a few minutes or the elation of spending an entire evening together. We've talked about the possibility of a future life together and we still have a long ways ahead to get there, we're both aware that it just doesn't happen overnight, no matter how fast we want things to move, all in good time I suppose. He barely & briefly met my son last weekend--huge milestone for me!! Next move is to start introducing each other to relatives--good times ahead!!!
  • Church---I don't think I'm shy about my disaffection with the LDS church, I am glad that it works for lots of people, that it provides a safe haven and sanctuary, but for me there's just nothing there that might help me as a gay individual and as a single dad. I'd venture say that even if for some reason they fully embrace and allow openly gay members in relationships and seal them in their temples, I would still not consider going back, that's just the way it is...I will always treasure my upbringing as a Mormon, my years in early-morning seminary, my mission and the time and resources I dedicated to it; I certainly learned lots of awesome things that I apply in my life everyday and let's face it, living where I do it really helps to know how to speak "Mormonese". I respect my relatives and friends whose lives revolve around the church, if it works for them, I'm happy. I do believe one of my next moves is to have my name removed from the roles.
So again, what happens now?

I'm not sure...

Will I keep blogging as Public Loneliness? Will I change my blog name to Public Exposure as Controllerone suggested? he, he, he...I'll probably keep blogging here, ranting and the occasional shot at the church, my life isn't over, why should my blog? LOL

For starters how'bout just being more public about who I am? I think lots of Mohos here know who I am and I'm friends on Facebook with a lot of them already, but some don't know that I blog as Public Loneliness so as a way to publicly come out: Hi, I'm Miguel, I think I'm brave enough to put my FB badge here now.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Todd Ransom I Never Knew

I started seeing the Facebook postings by fellow Mohos about the suicide of Todd Ransom and my heart sank. I saw the emotions range from sadness to rage. A lot of it being directed to the LDS church. I'm sure there's room for it-- I mostly felt sadness and I didn't know why I felt sad hearing about someone I don't think I ever met--and yet, I wouldn't have felt any less sad if the kid had been straight, or whatever else we like to label ourselves--hearing about a human being committing suicide is never pleasant. 

When I heard about the vigil I knew I wanted to go, I asked the babe if he'd come along--I'm glad he did, I don't think I would have made it in one piece if he hadn't been there. I knew it was going to be heart-wrenching and emotional and it was every bit. I was also glad to see some of the other Mohos and a great community coming together to honor a guy most of us had never met but someone who has obviously touched people beyond his life. I am not aware of his circumstances or his background. The few who spoke at the vigil said nothing but great and loving things about him. No one knows the mind, the emotions and thoughts of another person, so I suppose it is best to remember the good and somehow, try to move on as humanly as we can.

In the end I conclude: "Who am I to judge another, when I walk imperfectly".  Long live the memory of the man who I never met but touched my heart and that of an entire community and may he rest in peace...

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Notes from abroad / Cartas del Extrangero

One of the things that happens when I write a blog that sometimes includes Spanish postings is that Google Search brings people to it. A lot of the searches are from countries such as Spain, Mexico, Colombia, Peru, Argentina and similar to this:

gay mormon
hombre gay (gay man)
casado y gay (gay married man)

Often times I get emails from some of the men, some are LDS, returned missionaries, some never mention the church so it is impossible to know if they're LDS or not; some just thank me for the realization that they're not alone. I try to reply to the notes and send links such as that of Affirmation that has chapters in Latin America but I never if at all hear again from any of them. A note I received a week or two ago alluded to the fact that the guy said he was gay, but he worked in an important company, his girlfriend also works in the same place and their families expect them to marry soon. He said something that struck a nerve:

 "In spite of  it all, I will never tell the truth and will marry"

I had to sit on his message for a couple of days to finally reply something like: "Been there, done that, good luck, I hope that you find it in your heart to at least tell your girlfriend about you, this way she and you both can make an informed decision, rather than put her--and you--and future children to a potentially ugly cycle that more than a few of us have known and certainly don't wish upon anyone."

One of the reasons why I blog is to bring awareness to anyone who is gay and wishes to possibly explore the possibility of marrying a woman. I certainly thought I was capable of doing it, I was more than willing to "Never tell the truth and marry" but that promise I made to myself didn't last for very long... it was just a matter of time before the time bomb went off. I hope for the sake of those who think that they can manage, that they can conquer their feelings and marry that they give things lots of second thoughts. I am not against MOM (Mixed orientation marriages) as long as the woman who marries a gay man knows what she is getting into. I have mentioned over and over in my story that it is the one thing I wish I had told my ex...

But I suppose for everyone of me there have to be several others out there who are where I was 17 years ago... how to reach out to them, how to get the message out? I guess there's lots, lots, lots more to do....

Monday, July 12, 2010


It is funny that I was mentioning last night at the gay father's meeting that I was just waiting to hear from the court about my divorce being finalized and had done a mental note to call or stop by the court and asked how does it all happen?

Well my ex this morning asked why have I not done my part of the decree yet (basically remove her name from accounts and such!) I told her I was waiting for the decree. She said the divorce has been finalized since 5/26, it appears I failed to fill out a notification form to the court---and I knew about this how??? Not like I get divorced every 17 years or anything like that!!! So I dropped everything, ran down to the courthouse and picked up a copy for the friendly amount of $14.00, then it hit me like a sucker punch to the gut:


I did have a slight crisis, but only for a good hour or two, I already had the emotional breakdown a couple of months ago. This small crisis was more than anything because it took me off guard. I guess I can finish some of the legal stuff before I decide to celebrate....but how does one celebrate such a life event? This is so anti-climatic to be honest. Don't quite know what to make of it. I did want to mark the occasion in some way but can't quite figure out what to do about it now that it is more of an "after the fact"

Any ideas? please be creative, I need a good laugh!!!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The friend & the cousin

Last weekend was interesting, that's just about the only way I can describe it. I have a cousin, actually the wife of one of my cousins back in Texas. I met her when I first moved to TX from Mexico. She and I are about the same age, she got me my first job at a hamburger joint and we shared a lot of good things and funny pranks that teenagers pull on each other when the manager isn't looking. I saw her date her fair share of crazies and we graduated from high school together. We were very good friends (nothing romantic, duh!).

We had kept in touch through family and off but Facebook was kind of the catalyst to really pick things up friendship-wise again. Due to some of her "where's your wife?" comments I had told her I was separated and in the process of a divorce a few months ago. I remember hinting something of "When you are done getting to know me again, you'll wonder where that shy Mexican kid you met many years ago went". She is the kind of person who always posts GA quotes on her FB status...anyway, she was in UT last week and asked if she could couch surf at my place with her kid on one of the nights. Immediately I thought: "Oh boy, here we go". I had told one of my sisters & the babe about my anxiety of having her stay with me and both advised me that all I had to do was deal with her for 1 day, didn't have to tell her anything if I didn't want to and to just let things flow. Lucky by the time she made it to my place Saturday night they were exhausted from the day's activities so they crashed right away.

On Sunday morning the babe invited me to church with him, they decided to skip church & sleep in and when I got back I made brunch, we ate and then had a couple of hours to sit and chat, which we did. I knew she wanted to ask questions but I wasn't sure what I was willing to tell her, but somewhere in there I felt prompted to just blurt everything out, the divorce, my church inactivity & being gay. She said she had a slight idea about this from that cryptic message I had sent her a while ago, but didn't want to just cast judgement. Bottom line she said between tears: "you've been one of my dearest friends, long before we became cousins. This changes nothing, I love you and wish nothing but the best; I can see how you cannot possibly have any church life in your situation, you have to seek out what makes you happy". By this time her daughter came to sit with us, she heard more than half of our conversation. I was glad she didn't just want to shield her daughter from this, it was a non-issue which worried me because Mormons seems to always want to shield their kids from the very "any appearance of evil".

The rest of the day's activities were spent with other relatives, I wasn't sure how she'd digest everything but she made sure to sit by me, keep the conversations flowing and in my mind made an effort to show she was genuinely OK with me... at least as of today she is still a friend on Facebook, ha, ha, ha!!!! So again, I had nothing to worry about. I didn't ask her to keep it a secret with anyone back home and if she tells anyone else that's OK. A year ago I wouldn't have known how to handle this, it is amazing what time will do with my level of comfort!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Proposition 8: The Movie

I went to see this movie last night. I knew that the documentary was not going to be objective. I had seen trailers, news, commentaries so almost nothing was new. What I wasn't fully aware was the complete level of "behind the scenes" involvement by the LDS Church--but it wasn't a big surprise at all, I have worked in plenty of callings before where I know how things are organized, planned and carried out with huge precision. I have to confess that my level of anger only grew as the movie progressed. Still I can understand the need for the church to defend its position--I just don't get to what length it was willing to go to get the job done and why focus so much of their efforts in California of all places while other states and countries have already passed same-sex marriage laws and society still has not crumbled & no one has forced them to perform Gay weddings in their temples, but that's just me.

The hardest/saddest part for me was watching the testimonial from the guy who had shock therapy at BYU, reliving his experience and how he mentioned that it was just as painful if not more telling it. It was even sadder to see the stories of the homeless youth, rejected by their parents, living out in the streets and having to revert to drugs/prostitution to survive. I just can't understand how can such a "family-friendly" culture allows parents to disown and abandon their children at such a critical time.

"Family, isn't it about time?"

So I really have no good/bad opinion of the movie, I didn't come out dissuaded one way or the other. I hope we have all learned our lessons from this. I do know the church has been found guilty of questionable practices regarding contributions to the passing of Prop 8, I think that's just the tip of the iceberg, but hey,why dwell on it. 

I think I've been watching too many movies lately. Summer's here, I must get a life!!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Valentine's Day, the movie

I think I've found one of my guilty pleasures for those episodes when I have no kids, no babe or plans. I've always liked romantic comedies, don't know why the ex never batted an eye when I would much rather buy My Best Friend's Wedding and Pretty Woman than X-Men DVD's, I mean the signs were all there!!

Anyway, summer TV is kind of sucking in the evenings so if I find myself kidless or dateless I stop by the Red Box and grab a DVD, at $1 that makes me a pretty cheap date and I don't have to worry about whether anyone else will or not like my choices. So I rented Valentine's Day.

I don't know what other Moho's think of it if they've seen it. I thought the cast was good, obviously they wanted to get a big bang for their buck, lots of cute actors (and actresses too, got to admit). One of the twists at the end of the movie was unexpected in a pleasant kind of way. All I can say is: "Damn Bradley Cooper--- I wish I were a fly on the wall!!!" Yay for chick flicks!!! he, he, he!!