Valentine's Day, the movie

I think I've found one of my guilty pleasures for those episodes when I have no kids, no babe or plans. I've always liked romantic comedies, don't know why the ex never batted an eye when I would much rather buy My Best Friend's Wedding and Pretty Woman than X-Men DVD's, I mean the signs were all there!!

Anyway, summer TV is kind of sucking in the evenings so if I find myself kidless or dateless I stop by the Red Box and grab a DVD, at $1 that makes me a pretty cheap date and I don't have to worry about whether anyone else will or not like my choices. So I rented Valentine's Day.

I don't know what other Moho's think of it if they've seen it. I thought the cast was good, obviously they wanted to get a big bang for their buck, lots of cute actors (and actresses too, got to admit). One of the twists at the end of the movie was unexpected in a pleasant kind of way. All I can say is: "Damn Bradley Cooper--- I wish I were a fly on the wall!!!" Yay for chick flicks!!! he, he, he!!

So the shrink says....

I called the shrink yesterday to get an appointment sometime in the next week and there was a spot that had opened due to a cancellation so I rushed over to talk... I updated on all the stuff that has been going on since I last went and about my guy-guy relationship.

At one point I could see the facial expressions saying: "So what is it you're here about, since it appears you're doing just fine?" I said: "The bottom line is that I'm having severe anxiety when I'm alone, either without the kids or without the babe. I hate it when it happens and it tears me apart, I don't know what to do with myself; I can probably handle being by myself, I've learned to do that in the last year--has been hard, but I can do it--but I also notice it it more obvious when I don't seem to have definite plans--the control freak in me wants to know everything that is going on, where, who, when, etc, etc". I mentioned that I don't think it is healty to be in that mode but don't know quite how to cope and don't want to be obnoxious about it.

I was asked what causes this anxiety? No person can be around others all the time, no person can stand to be with someone 24/7 and be normal--yep, I get it. As a married man to a woman, especially a Mormon married man there was so much structure to my life, what to do when before bed, before meals, before meetings, temple days, bishopric meetings, home teaching, interviews, what underwear I was expected to wear, how to dress on Sunday, blessings, more meetings and if nothing else it was always my responsibility to look over the family and I was always "fixing" whatever was wrong--even if I had no business or possible way to ever really fixing it. I can see where the control freak felt so at home and now that I don't have any of those extra demands on my life I feel lost --and anxious, duh!

After asking a couple of follow up questions the shrink said that it is pretty normal to feel anxiety with all the stuff that's going on in my life and bottom line: I have to kick the control freak in me to the curb and just be--easier said than done!!! I was told to find activities I can do by myself and also plan for things to do that do not involve the kids or the babe, that this is actually a sign of a well-balanced life--that a person has layers and all those layers have to have time to develop in one way or another and this will actually help me be a better person to the ones I love. I was warned that if I can't control this then the anxiety can really turn unhealthy and it can be damning to my relationships with my loved ones (read my kids and the babe)--that's the last thing I want to do, this is why I want to learn to handle this now when I'm noticing it rather than letting the monster grow. Bottom line, my homework for the next little while is to take the following to heart (or beat it into me, whatever works best):

Now I know why some people meditate...

We'll see how the experiment works...

Worlds collide

Last time I posted I wrote about trying to figure out how to bled my extreme opposite worlds together (ex & kids + boyfriend). I was starting to feel the pressure of the two coming together in a very uncomfortable way and I wasn't quite prepared for that to happen.

Well last night they did. My ex and kids know I'm dating someone now. Not very much more than that. It was high tension all around, it was kind of funny but it was also horrifying. It took me a while to calm down from this. I suppose there was no way for this to ever happen in a perfect way, with a spot-on speech as I pictured it, but I'm glad it is finally out in the open, the last thing I wanted when I came out as a Gay man was to live double lives and that was starting to really get heavy on me.

I know I have huge things to overcome, I can't just expect people to suddenly agree to have Sunday dinners, walks in the park and be--what's the term? "Facebook Official" ?!?!?? LOL

Still there's a sense of relief that this has happened, now I can move on from that stress. That's about the only way I can cope with it and look forward to the rest.

Oh the adventures!!!

Mission Experiences: Elder Greenhorn

I've been following Mr Curie's stories of his mission and have found them to be fascinating. Granted, my mission happened a lifetime ago, much of the stuff is probably been erased from my mind, but I do recall some of my experiences that may have/should have triggered some flags.

I didn't get to go to the Provo MTC. The training center I was assigned to attend didn't have the communal showers others talk about (damn!!...just kidding!). Either way it wasn't a big deal. The one thing I do remember from this is that about half of the missionaries had not yet gone to the temple, so some elders walked around in their G's and others walked around in their regular undies until everyone went to the temple. I saw it as nothing different from being in a high school locker room. Still I was severally repressed & none of this was even an issue for gayness.

Living/working 24/7 with another missionary wasn't that big a deal. My trainer was kind of a hard-ass and he was one of those that had the choice extending his 18-month mission to 2 years only to spend the following months regretting his decision not to go home earlier-- He was an interesting character. We had a tradition on my mish that we would pray every morning and night together and we had to hug our companion, (woot for whoever came up with that!!) and whenever we met other elders for conference or transfers the situation would turn into a huge hug-fest, I wonder what people used to make of that little ritual, but as it is, public display of affection is already a normal thing in that country so again, no big deal, just interesting.

Not that there weren't enough cute elders ones out there, believe me, there were plenty of them!!--But I can honestly say that I didn't have a crush on other elders or my companions

---until I became a trainer---

Here came this greenie, fresh off the bus, ready to be taught, mentored and shown the way and I was the one to 'break him in' in a sort of way. He was the youngest in his family so he could get away with pretty much whatever he wanted, he was handsome, playful and frankly quite adorable!!! Still he was a hard-worker and went right along with everything expected from an elder. The months I spent with him were probably the best part of my mission. We taught tons, we baptized the most out of any area, I seriously thing we were allowed in many places because of his charisma. I seriously loved this guy (but not in that way--well sort of---uggghh!!!)...Anyway, the one thing he LOVED to do on P-Day, after going to play basketball, he loved to lounge around in the apartment in nothing but his tighty whities...man, I probably have never sang more hymns than when he did this, but I for one was not about to tell him to please jump in the shower and put his G's back on...no sir! I can see how my brotherly love was slowly turning into a full-blown crush and obsession with him...

Towards the end of our companionship we did this game of waking up the earliest and literally pouncing on the other as soon as the alarm went off. I remember he'd win most of the time but I managed to beat him once, jumped on his bed (well him), then laid next to him for a minute before getting going and he had this raging erection going--it was morning after all, LOL. I immediately got up from his bed, started singing again, went to take a shower and never mentioned anything to him--nor did he-- He was reassigned shortly after that but I don't think this had anything to do with him being reassigned--not that I'm aware anyway. I remember the last morning we were together before taking him to the bus station: We studied, prayed, hugged and I held him there, I didn't want to let go off him and I seriously started bawling and told him how much I loved him--probably the first person I ever told openly that I loved them--how much fun it had been working, baptizing and sharing with him and how much I was going to miss him. The next guy had nothing compared to him, although he was a greenie too and I probably antagonized the companionship while I moped around and mourned the loss of my favorite companion...

Thinking in hindsight, I probably had more than a crush on this elder (no really?) and while I knew deep down my ulterior motives, at least I was able to vocalize it as simply brotherly love, no way would I ever divulge openly or privately that I had fallen in romantic love or even the possibility with my companion. I was lucky to see him again a few times after our missions, very briefly and I never got any indication that he might have been freaked out by my excessive love towards him; heck I'm sure everyone loved him the same!!! I don't keep in touch with him--not that I haven't tried to find him-- but in a way I'm glad he remains a current enigma for the most part. :-)

Oh memories...

Coming Out At Work

Don't worry, I didn't send a universal email announcing it to everyone :-)

I had written before about talking two of the 'family' that I had been affraid to come out in the past. I had talked to one of them after running into him at the gay bar, his response was very positive and supportive, nothing unexpected. The other one is a peer (we do the same job) and he had been transferred out to another office, but was working in the same building last week. I asked him for some 1 on 1 time and then went on to explain what is going on. I had possibly suspected that one of the people that I had already told may have talked to him, but to my surprise none of them had (which is great to count on people like that, rather than worry about grapevine rumors--even if they are true--being spread all around).

So after I came out to this peer he told me that he had suspected it in the past, but since I was married and had children and all, didn't honestly give it too much thought. He went on to tell me that he was there to support, help and do whatever he could to make things easier for me, that my personal business were not that of the entire office/organization and that he would maintain the same level of respect. Not bad, not bad at all.

So turns out that the ones I was affraid to talk to: I had nothing to fear...

The workers in my team did tell me about one of their suspicions, though: They see me texting someone and smiling at times and they all think I have a girfriend they think I'm dating; I told them I'm pleading the 5th on that one...if they only knew!!! :-)

Couple coming out experiences

Recently at the farmer's market I ran into a friend (from my young adult days) who I normally see at public events like this. I was there with my kids her most natural question was to ask where was their mom? I told her not with us and moved on to other random conversation. The kids got bored--they usually do that when I run into old friends who start talking about how big they've got, etc, etc and moved on to other stands so I took the opportunity to mention the separation to which she was a bit surprised. I've been trying to make a conscious effort to come clean with people so I came out to her. She immediately gave me a hug and told me how much she loved me and respected me for this.

Great experience. Of course it helps that she is inactive, not married (she has lived with one of her lady mission companions for over 15 years--connect the dots, shall we?)

I recently also reconnected with another friend from the same group who now lives a few hours away. We had been messaging back/forth on email and last night I got a text message; again back/forth for about 15 minutes and I finally asked if I could call, thirty seconds later my phone rings and it is my friend on the line. We spent some time catching up and I felt prompted to come out, again good experience, lots of understanding and love. When I mentioned my journey and how I have arrived to where I am my friend said something that impressed me: "You need to stop referring to this as your problem. There's nothing wrong with you, nothing to fix and you need not apologize for who you are"--wow, I was speechless mainly because when I arrived to this conclusion I knew my life was never going to be same but to hear it from someone else somehow was a refreshing revelation.

Good experiences, good realizations!!

So how come I have only come out to women and not men (other than fellow Moho's of course)?!?!

I can't recall coming out to a male--heck I don't recall coming out to a couple of gay males at work, can't for the life of me bring it up. Perhaps the only ones I remember are my son and my brother, but they probably don't count, there's significant emotional involvement with those two and let's face it their love is unconditional. Seems I have a lot more work to do...

Interpretations and Confessions

I remember the first time I ever heard this from my young man's president. We were sitting in priesthood and this must have been one of those uncomfortable, yet needed lessons to scare horny teenage boys out of their wits: The YM president said that masturbation lead to homosexuality. I also do remember several of the guys looking down at the floor with more than an embarrassed look in their faces. A couple of years later I discovered where this principle came from: I was reading portions of the Miracle of Forgiveness and ran into this...I don't know if anyone recommends this book as a resource to anyone, but I certainly hope not!

I also remember the first time I felt so overwhelmed that I just had to ask for advice. I was away from home in a student ward and nothing was making sense to me. I asked for an appointment with the bishop; I honestly could not piece anything in my life together and it was time to find some guidance. I'm sure it was a standard question for him and I had only been asked this once from my mission president and never again: He asked if I masturbated, but I figured as long as I was sharing confessions I would tell him of 'my problem': I told him that I felt attracted to guys. This must have taken every ounce of dignity out of me, because I sat there and bawled. Again, I'm pretty sure he had heard this before and must have had canned answers ready for every problem, because after a minute or so and without any other explanation told me that this would stop when I got married. I never went back to that ward again, I just couldn't bring myself to do it and found a family ward to attend and never ever brought it up with anyone at church again.

This was 1991...I really hope none of this non-sense is being taught in the church anymore. Now in retrospect, I still made my choices, I am really not trying to put blame on anyone here, I believe everyone probably did/does and gives the best possible advise advise when asked...