Crash and burn...

What a weekend it has been....

First off, I spoke to a church leader to get some advice--his advice was sound, but didn't offer much hope. He said that marriages like mine typically don't survive...

Then I went to a therapist recommended by a friend of a friend (love how that happens). She again gave me some statistics, about 50% of marriages dissolve as soon as the gay spouse comes out and the other 35-40% a year or two after, because they really work hard at making a life, but in the end, no success either. She did point out that the remaining 20% or so do make it, but it was the couples that were best friends and of course understood the odds and were committed to each other 100% in all possible ways. She also advised that if we were separating, we could tell the kids the reason why, or not, depending on how we saw their maturity level. I'm going back to meet with her this week, seems I will be able to get a lot out of these meetings.

My wife and I talked until late hours one night wondering if we may possibly be part of the 20%, all the reasons why we thought we might be able to make it in our version of a mixed-orientation marriage, things were looking somewhat up even as of Friday morning...

Then she went to her therapy appointment...

When she returned she was in shreds and things went more or less like this:

Wife: "I want to know if you love me"
Me: "Yes, of course I do"
Wife: "I know you care deeply for me, you'd do almost anything for me and the kids"
Me: "Yes I would"
Wife: "I want to know if you only see me as a friend for hanging out, co-parent, roommate, someone to share bill-payment and care for the children only or if the're is a chance you see me as anything else, a partner, a lover, the love of your life..."
Me: looking down, knot in my throat, tears rolling down my eyes---no words came out.
Wife: "I have friends and relatives I can do all the things I'm talking about, I need a completely dedicated spouse/lover/partner who sees me the way I want, nothing else will do"
Me: "I'm sorry, I just don't think I can offer that, I've honestly tried for all these years do give you what you want, I just don't have the capability do do it"

She said that her therapist advised her to tell the kids as we saw fit understanding that they might react in weird ways or possibly not. She thought that we should tell the kids that afternoon before I was supposed to go out of town with my son. We got the kids, sat them down and I told my 10 and 15 yr olds: "Guys we have somethings to share with you and also bad news to tell you. The first of which is that I am gay". My son sat there stunned. My daughter started to cry and we tried to console her as much as we could. We talked about how it wasn't their fault, nothing they ever did, it didn't mean they were gay either. We were about to share the second 1/2 of the news, but they figured it out before we were there, my daughter sobbed and I saw a tear come out of my son's eye about our separation. Of course we were all crying by now. It was a long and painful conversation, lots of things were said...

But in a jist we told them we loved them so much, we cared for each other still and would do everything possible to make this as painless (yeah, I know) as we could. We told them they'd be able to ask anything, voice their fears and concerns, it wasn't pretty but we also explained that it wasn't fair to them to live in a home where there was so much unhappyness. In the end they seemed to understand that it is for the better. I told my son if he did not want to come on the trip w/me he didn't have to, but he said: "Oh no, I'm still going, when do we go?" My daughter's only request was that we please do not give her any step-parents, she has friends who have to deal with this and she said it is hell...we told her no step-parents to deal with...

They asked who is taking the dog? : ) I told them I'll probably end up taking it, because that's almost the only sure way I'll exercise, but the dog can also come and go as everyone sees fit. It was nice to end with some laughter in between the tears. My son and I took off for the weekend, I checked on my daughter by phone a few times in the evening and on Saturday...

Now the real dirty work starts....