So I've been busy getting a life, too busy to update this dang blog!
I met my counselor last week and was going through the list of things I'm doing to get out of my place and not sit and start thinking dumb and obscure thoughts. I told her I had gone to lunch with Hank (a friend I blogged about way back when), I told her I had got Milk on Nexflix and invited another friend to my place to watch it with me, it was a nice experience and had a pleasant time just hanging with someone watching a movie and eating popcorn. Then I mentioned that I went to the Pride Center for a support group that turned out to be a very positive experience when I really had been very nervious about, but pushed myself out of my comfort zone and it was a good outcome. Finally told her I was planning to attend Scott and Sarah's Moho party on Saturday night. This was all done in between a full-time job, a dance group reharsals/performances and spending time with the kids.
She said she was very impressed I had done all of that and that I was finding positive outcomes for my new life! She then said: "Don't forget your straight friends"....er, ummmm. I guess in my eagerness to find a life I had been neglecting some of my friends, such as one who invited me to go to the Arts Festival--really? is that a 'straight activity'? LOL--...I was spending time with the kids, so I couldn't go and they didn't want to go there either. But then I got thinking, I really don't have a lot of friends---straight or gay for that matter. Being that I had been kind of sheltering myself out of any real life I honestly can't say I have many friends that I can just hang out with or do other kinds of activities. I suppose I have a lot more work to do than I initially anticipated. How does one get a life in when our already busy lives go non-stop all week long?
I consider being gay just a part of who I am--not the one thing that defines me. I wear a lot of hats and have a variety of interests. My counselor's follow up advice was not to shelter myself again by just fostering only gay friendships--as it normally happens, I mean I can see the point of 'birds of a feather flocking together' and all --but to explore whatever makes and feels comfortable to me regardless of whether there is a gender orientation attached to the activity or community itself. I have to do a other postings about the Moho party, and my separation, but some of that is harder to deal with, so I'll just leave this one at that...
Well, I think you've done well, and that the counselor's advice is solid. I think I need to see that movie...
ReplyDeleteHi Joe,
ReplyDeleteIt has been an interesting process, all other things aside and yes I give the movie a big thumbs up! I also saw Latter-Days, way different but a moving message but I had to watch that one alone, just had to.
hugs, pl
After I came out, I went through an intense period of self discovery that lasted about two years.
ReplyDeleteI was twelve years old when I went into the closet so I had never interacted honestly and openly with others in my adult life before I came out. To my surprise I found out that there are some things about myself I could only learn through honest and open interation with others. Some really basic things that my peers learned at 13, 14, etc.
It was like I was 28 going on 13.
I was also very uncomfortable with my sexuality and had a lot issues with my sexuality that I had to work out before I could get comfortable.
I also had trust issues with straight folks after years of dealing with the fear of rejection because of my sexuality.
I don't think, I know this intense period of self discovery, discomfort with one's sexuality, and distrust of straight people are all common among gay people just coming out.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I think it's a good thing to focus on yourself somewhat while working on whatever issues you have and it's OK to gravitate to people that you are comfortable with and that will help you sort through those issues.
So if the only "gay positive" people you know are gay then work on finding "gay positive" straight friends but don't stop or even slow your process down because what you are doing is important work.
Instead see if your straight friends will help you; become allies so to speak.
If you are not ready to come out to your straight friends then that still should not stop you from working on yourself.
Because you are right, being gay doesn't define you. But if you are just coming out of years of isolation, self-hatred and ignorance then there is probably a lot to learn about yourself and a lot of work to do before you will get comfortable and can trust again.
It is not selfish to focus on yourself if that is what you have to do in order to keep up with all the many things you are learning about yourself.
It is not selfish to focus on yourself after years of neglect.
It is catch up time.
Let me recommend PFLAG. They are primarily a support group of straight parents with glbt kids. PFLAGers are some of the nicest "gay positive" straight people you will ever meet and they will accept you just as you are.
You can find the nearest chapter by going to their website: www.pflag.org
You can wear many hats and strike a balance so that you still take steps to take care of yourself.
It's just that for a little while the balance will be skewed to the gay side and some people won't get that that's the way it has to be until you catch up.
So you may need to explain it.
Regards,
Philip
I have to do a other postings about the Moho party, and my separation, but some of that is harder to deal with, so I'll just leave this one at that...
ReplyDeleteI will anxiously await your exploration of this topic. It was good to have you here and I hope you felt welcome.