We're dealing with a few issues here, I don't know what other bloggers have experienced and if I may be doing the right thing or not.
So we told the kids the reason for the separation. I've tried to be as open with them as I can. I know they see and understand things completely different. Their main concerns are for how are their lives going to change. My 10 yr old daughter voiced her concern for when other kids at school talk to each other and about each other: "That's so gay"---well it touches a raw nerve. We've tried to explain that kids don't say that because of her, or know anything about me and it is purely an expression that doesn't mean anything, yet it bothers her. It seems that after talking to her it gave her some ways of dealing with it, so that might help. Still it is hard for her to deal with having a gay day--whatever that means...
My 15yr old son's friends have noticed his angst and are asking what is wrong with him. He told me he doesn't know what to tell them. I told him he can share as little or as much as he wants with them, but at the very least he can tell them of the separation--I've told them he can tell them the reason or not, it is not his fault, it is not something he has caused--I still don't think he feels comfortable talking about the gay part, but he was surprised how many of his peers have gone through parents splitting up and he has at least found simpathetic ears and feelings.
My wife has told most of her family about the split up but not the real reason why. Of course she is affraid that her family will blame her for our splitting up since as she said, they all think I'm such a nice guy!---sigh! I'm thinking that I may need to come out to more people (at least the close ones) so they can stop guessing and possibly start supporting those who need the support more. I don't know if by coming out of the closet to my wife/kids I ended up dragging them back in...damn it! I keep screwing things up royally!!
My wife and I are talking a bit more openly. I'm as assertive as I need to when it comes to work and other aspects of life, yet when dealing with conflict with her I clam up and can't say a word. I am learning to share; it is hard and I have to force myself to do it, I am also talking about my fears (loneliness), hopes--hope that we can make it alright through this, fears--fears that everything will just blow up in my face one of these days. One of hers (and she says the kids) fears is that they won't know how to deal when the day comes that I find someone and want to share my life with that person. I have told them that I'm dealing with so much right now that this part isn't even in my radar right now....if and when the time comes we will just have to cross that bridge when we get to it, but at the moment we're seriously dealing with much bigger stuff.
I've had a couple of very helpful sessions with my therapist. I'm finding ways to deal with the past, present and future, but it still hurts like hell and sometimes all I can handle is the next day or even the next hour, and all I can think about is that it will all be OK in the end...it has to!!!!! This is already getting long...
My thoughts are with you... nothing worth doing is ever easy. *HUGS*
ReplyDeletehi Ezra,
ReplyDeleteThanks man, as always, hugs are welcome anytime!!
hugs right back at ya! PL
I think that Sarah's already mentioned that we're here for you whenever you feel like your family is ready to meet other people in at least a somewhat similar situation. We want to help in any way we can.
ReplyDeleteI think you've done the right thing in giving your kids free reign to tell their friends as much as they want. The few weeks between coming out to our kids and coming out to the ward/world (when our kids were expected to keep everything a secret) were very hard on them--it's good for them to have permission to talk to a friend (or friends) if they need to.
Now it needs to be their decision when to come out to their friends, but I wonder if they might feel like your verbal permission to talk about it isn't quite enough? If you're not out to extended family yet, that sets an example of secrecy that may make them reluctant to talk about it, even if they've been given permission to do so.
I think that letting the extended family know the real reason for the separation is the right thing to do. It prevents any speculation and misdirected finger-pointing, and it sets an example of openness to your kids that will serve them well as they learn that there is no shame in having a gay father.
Best of luck and thoughts and prayers!
I like Scott's advice
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, hang in there. Thank you for sharing your journey with us!
When I opened to the closet door to my wife for her to see for herself, I was open to stepping out. Instead, she chose to come in and shut the door.
ReplyDeleteEveryone responds differently. I, too, like the flexibility you are giving them. I don't think you're "dragging the family into it." You seem to be doing quite well with a very difficult transition.