OctoberTheme: Where am I?

I want to have enough time to do this and not try to put something together on the last day of the month (besides, it will be Halloween!). I want to give it a fair amount of thought:

• How did you get to where you are today?

If anyone had asked me a year ago where I would be today I would have probably said:

"Yeah wishful thinking, but not likely."

I have written about my journey in roughly 32 blog posts here, hardly a journey compared to others. I probably have left way too many details out, but I think anyone who reads it will get the main point. I remember the first time I admitted to being gay a few years ago and immediately after that thinking: "Oh shit, I'm married and have children, what the heck am I going to do about this?" It wasn't easy to come out to myself it certainly wasn't easy to say it out loud to my wife; one of the hardest things I've ever done was telling my children, yet I am still here--I heard somewhere that pain is an indication that you're still alive. Well, I've been very alive for the last couple of years and especially the last few months. I certainly don't walk up to perfect strangers or even people I know and tell them I'm gay, but it is getting more and more comfortable to come out to people I know I can trust; it feels good and the experience has been positive so far.

• Are you happy with where you are? why or why not?

In spite of all the pain I've gone through and the pain I've afflicted loved ones with, I honestly can say that I am happier than I've been in many years. I have spent time with a therapist but no longer feel as much angst as I did a few months ago. I have been able to find and meet good influences in my life. I believe I have made peace with the LDS Church: I honor my background, I accept that it does/has good things, but honestly there's nothing in it that appeals my activity there, certainly not as a single, gay dad... this issue used to cause me a lot of conflict and pain but that's not the case anymore. Everyday gets better and better.

• Where do you see yourself in the future?

Well, not very different than now, to be honest. I'm still a dad, I still have responsibility to my children. I'd like to be able to have them understand more about where I come from. I'm sure they love me like I love them and I hope that we can have more dialogue about what it all means to us all. I'm still a son/brother and heck now I'm even an ex-husband--I'd like to see how all those relationships evolve with time. I'm still an employee--I have responsibilities to my employer and need to make a living, I don't see that changing very much. There are many things I'd like to do/see/try. I have my bucket list that still has lots of thins to cross off! I used to be scared-stiff about the thought of ever meeting someone that might catch my attention in a romantic way, but I suppose all in good time...

• What roadblocks do you have and/or have overcome?

I think the biggest roadblock was the one I created for myself and it was the most difficult/ugly to beat by fighting who I am and not accepting me. All the other issues I have dealt with have been minimal compared to dealing against myself.

• What advice do you have for others following a similar path that you have?

Things are certainly different now than they were 20 years ago (heck did I just say how old I am?!?--there goes the chance of meeting someone now!!! LOL). When I came home from my mission, the only logical path for me was marriage-- but nowadays that is not the case, things have certainly evolved and got better, because of many people who have made it possible. I think there are certainly lots of brave and amazing pioneers--just look at my blog list on the right and you'll read about them--the only thing I'd ever say to someone is be yourself, don't let yourself be guided by society's supposed rules of behavior, stand out. I've wondered if I would have ever got married if I had accepted who I was back then--not likely, things might be different but then again there are a lot of things/joys that came with marriage, the biggest one of them being my children. I know nowadays there are other ways to have children: Adoption, surrogacy and just even by raising nieces and nephews and heck if you do choose to get married to a woman go for it, but do it in full disclosure, let her make an informed decision, which I never allowed my ex to do. Love and let yourself be loved--

• What advice do you have for family and friends?

I'm queer, I'm here, deal with it!!!

Ok, just kidding---But I'm still here and I'm the same guy who cares about your life, your issues, the economy, the environment, health, etc. I don't want to re-decorate your home, or break out in show tunes. Whatever you've heard about how 'The Gays" are, I'm here to dispel the stereotypes. I don't have an agenda, I am not here to recruit your children. I still like to watch The Office, 30-Rock and Saturday Night Life! (Ok I'll admit that I took a quick/short peek at Glee, but honestly don't know enough about it to make any opinions--LOL)

Dang this went way long!!