Saturday, June 13, 2009

I need to get a life...

My therapist thinks it is time for me to get a life, I thought that was the whole purpose of the mess I'm living through, ha,ha.

The last couple of weeks have been an emotional and physical roller coaster ride and yet it all seems very surreal to me. I've been keeping busy moving, splitting up stuff--yours, mine--what used to be ours and what should we do with this and finding stuff I'd forgotten about, like my old mission discussions-I'm such a pack rat, who keeps their old mission discussions from 1986? LOL

I've also been spending as much time as I can with the kids before I head back to work next week. They're doing well all things considered; their mom, well, I wish I could say the same. My heart breaks every time I see her. I didn't think I could cry anymore, that I'd run out of tears at some point and out of nowhere a picture, a book, a song will trigger a wave of emotions that unleashes the floodgates. I met a friend on Monday who had been married and divorced his wife back before the internets and moho blogging was cool. He walked me through a lot of what to expect, how to handle this and that and he said that the best way to deal with life is to just keep living it--it helped me tons to see that all the pain and hurt will get better eventually.

I hate insomnia, hopefully when I get back to the demanding job next week I'll be too exhausted to stay awake for long. I'm glad the dog keeps me company, he has no idea how many times he has been the tipping point between sanity and impending doom!

Dating? mmmh, I m not ready to cross that bridge at all or any time soon.

Oh yeah, back to getting a life...the therapist warned me about how some men go from one end to a completely extreme opposite, losing their sorrows, cares and fears to alcohol, drugs and a life of whoring themselves, as they don't quite know what to do with their newly found freedom and be careful about where I go and the choices I make. I told her that in my situation I probably have the sense of not focusing on those things, sure experimenting sounds exciting and I might be curious to go to a club for sheer amusement, but for heaven's sakes, I'm not in my 20's anymore--I just have to learn to put things in good perspective, surround myself with good people--This next part is going to make me sound like a total jack ass, but in the middle of all the sadness, I've realized that:

1. I like to sleep with the window open (or partly--it has been colder than usual)
2. I love to eat a hot breakfast in the morning--even if my place smells like eggs or whatever was cooked the rest of the day
3. I was finally able to watch "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and not feel guilty for admiring Brad Pitt and/or any other movie that I want...LOL
4. I have no sense of interior decorating, but my daughter does and she has given me lots of pointers, after all she needs to feel comfortable when coming over.
5. I found myself laughing again with the kids. I had started to push them away from my life and I love when we laugh ourselves silly with my first job stories or watch their cute faces light up when I showed them my high school yearbook!
6. I can eat pizza again without feeling like I'm selfish and hurting someone's feelings or chinese food without feeling like I'm a weirdo for liking sweet and sour chicken.
7. I love having friends/family over for dinner or just to hang, it has been a lifetime since that has happened and I look forward to doing that again.

I think I'd forgotten me and in the midst of trying to do the right thing I'd forgotten how to live... watch out world, I'm going to join you again!

7 comments:

  1. PL, I have been thinking about you and am glad that things are starting to look up a bit.

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  2. Don't wait too long to make friends and begin that new life. Some parts of the old you obviously are going to come along for the ride...

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  3. Bravone:
    Thanks for the warm thoughts, as always.
    hugs, pl

    Joe:
    Yeah I agree with you, I have to start making connections (not just online, but in real life). The sooner the better.
    hugs, pl

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  4. Eventually you will get to a place where those tears aren't triggered anymore. Meanwhile, you're doing the right thing by trying to get on with life and looking forward.

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  5. Hi Alan,
    Yeah I expect things to only get better and being able to move on.

    hugs, pl

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  6. My take on what your counselor is saying...this is an intense period of change and discovery where you will be trying to figure out what's right; what's not; what works; what doesn't work.

    I can't speak about separation/divorce but I can speak about coming out and a lot of people go through an intense period of change and discovery when they initially come out.

    And lots of people when they initially come out do crazy things that years later make them shake their heads and wonder "What was I thinking?"

    I may be wrong but what made this period somewhat crazy for me (and way crazy for some of my friends) had to do with having to reject some fundamental beliefs before I could come out and then no longer knowing what to believe or not believe so I questioned everything and that lead to a crisis of faith.

    For a while I suspended my beliefs and values and did a lot of experimentating and tried on new values/beliefs like one tries on a new suit - to see if it fits.

    Eventually I realized that my most of my original values and beliefs were sound - they just had to be tweaked to reflect the existence of gay people and that gay people were no different than straight people - no better; no worse.

    I think your counselor is trying to help you avoid as much of the craziness as possible -or- maybe it's the really big mistakes she is worried about.

    However, some craziness is unavoidable. It's necessary to question beliefs and values -and- experiment and try on new beliefs/values -and- make dumb mistakes.

    Now I am going to throw in some cliches for advice...

    1) Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

    2) Do things in moderation.

    Most of your beliefs/values will continue to serve you well with just a little tweaking.

    Regards,
    Philip

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  7. Hi Phillip, a heartfelt thanks for your advise. As I had told my therapist, at my age I better know how to handle some/most of these things without losing it completely and apply plenty of moderation in all things, that is not going to change.
    hugs, pl

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