Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Male Relationships

No, not that kind of relationships! : )

I had a few therapy sessions a cuople of years ago. The therapist was very good; after I started out telling him why I was there he started asking me about childhood, growing up and life experiences in general. He then told me that I needed to talk and he was going to allow me to do it and go wherever I wanted. After a few sessions he didn't really have any earth-shattering news for me and aside from making a few self-realizations, I started questioning the point of the sessions (and paying that much money to talk to a stranger!).

Then he mentioned that in all the time I had talked I had hardly if ever mentioned friendships and/or relationships with men. He asked if I had friends, or at least one good friend I could go to and just be me. Then it hit me: I didn't.

I was a momma's boy since birth. I have two older sisters and lots of aunts and female cousins who looked after me like a porcelain doll (or so I'm told). I have a few older cousins on my mom's side that I idolized while growing up, but they were over 10 years older than I and doing their own thing. When I was about 5 years old my parents divorced and one of my sisters, myself and my brother went to live with my dad. My safety zone didn't just get crushed, it dissappeared altogether. My dad was a good guy and did a lot of things right and whatever he could to fulfill his role, but drove a truck all over the country so he wasn't really ever there himself. His mom was really the one in charge of us, as much as a working elderly person could. I was bullied by just about every other kid in school and my cousins on my dad's side. I was the sissy mama's boy filled with insecurities and anxieties that wanted nothing else in life but to fit in.

Long story short, when I was close to 12 years old my brother and I moved back with my mom and her new husband. By now they had 3 daughters of their own. Around this time we convert to the LDS church and this brought in a new set of opportunities for 'a new life and never go back' as my mother called it over and over again. The new dad is a good guy, he tries really hard, heck he even adopted my brother and I (still questioning the legality of this) and my dad passed away a couple of years after that from a massive heart attack--and as much respect I have for my step-dad, I honestly can't say that I was ever able to bond with him in any possible way. Puberty and the teenage years were interesting to say the least. I was able to develop a lot of skills, learn, do and accomplish a lot both in school and church--well not like I had a choice in church, but I suppose it was good for me and allowed me to learn to reach out to others and find meaningful roles in my life.

I have played the part of the older brother, the quorum president, the district/zone leader, the classmate, counselor, the mentor, the advisor and the supervisor. I have had friends both male and female, but they're really more acquaintances. I have lots of contacts on my phone and have what I would consider good friends, but not 1 friend that I could just call and say 'let's hang out'. I had good friends in junior high (Is that why I love Ferris Buehler's Day Off and Stand By Me is one of my all-time favorite movies?) I still don't have that 1 guy friend that we can go to a movie, a bike ride or just sit and watch TV and/or shoot darts (is that what friends do? LOL) . Why is that? Is it my subconscious self that doesn't allow me to have that type of friendships for fear that I'll fall in love with my friends? Is it really that hard to find a friend?

Confession time here, please bear with me: I've discovered places in town where guys go to 'meet other guys' and yes it is wrong of me to go there, but I can honestly say that I'm there to try to strike a conversation for friendship if nothing else--yeah I know what you may be thinking: "C'mon PL, give me a break!!!" Yeah, I'm looking for friendships in the wrong places and I admit that but I've been able to talk to a few guys that their intentions may be to look for action, but for some there is more to it than a good time, they're also looking to connect with someone going through the same thing...ok, I'll put my flame-retardant suit on now.

I'm starting to ramble again, so where does one find such friend?

Friday, July 25, 2008


Please take them for what they are...

I have a few gay friends and acquaintances. The young ones seem to jump from relationship to relationship (is it fair to say bed-to-bed?) who knows if they'll ever slow down. I know of 1 gay couple-a coworker-who has been with his partner for over 10 years, both in their early 40's, they own a home and are very much committed to each other. The older ones are tired of jumping from bed to bed and want to settle in--one of them confessed that he is honestly looking to settle down with a partner, but in the meantime, has a few casual friends who he has fun with on an ongoing basis; the plan is that once he has a partner he'll put a stop on all the casuals.


I know this isn't the same for everyone and I'm probably just generalizing. Bottom line for me is: It just doesn't look all that appealing!! Sure some of these guys come and go and are free to do as they please, some have exciting social and cultural lives, they answer to no one and perhaps the one thing I can respect is that they are true to themselves, yeah. But at the end of the day, once the friends and hook-ups are gone, they seem lonely...personally one of my biggest fears in life that goes beyond anything is loneliness and I just woudn't know how to deal with that...Not to say that being married to a woman is a bed of roses, it isn't; and I realize that there are no guarantees in life. Kids will someday be all grown and move out, who knows what will the future bring. Is there a point I am trying to make? Am I attracted to guys for companionship, which is in no way certain, or is it the mere idea of the gay lifestyle? Does the idea of throwing it all away worth trying to be like that 1 couple among many who seems happy and content with a partner? Is it fair to say I don't even know if I want that?

Again, I am not trying to bash my very dear gay friends, sure some aspects of their lives seem great and appealing, but some others not so much. What does that say about straight relationships? How many people are genuinely happy? I have to admit that I don't know of a perfect marriage, is there even such a thing? I guess I have to start close to home: my parents? well my mom in on her 3rd marriage to my step-dad. My inlaws? I love them dearly but I hardly think of them as examples. Some of my siblings and in-laws are divorced, some are in good relationships, I woudn't dare say they're 100% happy and I may not hear much about their adventures. I know some work very hard at their relationships, but would I dare say that some of them might have the promiscous gene in them as well? I suppose at the end of the day when we have made our choices and have learned to live with them the last thing I should learn to do is contemplate if my choices are made because someone expected me to do them or if I genuinely wanted to.

If you've haven't fallen asleep or are bored out of your mind by reading this, please let me know what you think...I warned you, I'm just rambling!

Monday, July 21, 2008

About 9 years ago...

I heard from a friend that had been in and out of contact for a few years. We'll name him Hank. This was one of my old friends from back when we were all in the young adult group. He literally appeared out of nowhere and joined the group. We had a lot of great activities and drew a lot of people from everywhere. Hank dated a couple of girls from the group off and on and he was even engaged to one of them, but the wedding was called off a couple of months before they got married. Shortly after that Hank moved in with another member of the group and they were roommates. Grapevine rumors had it that the guy that let Hank move in with him had fallen in love with him--but they weren't really in a romantic relationship-- and there were apparently a few others in the group who liked/loved him enough too--again, all rumors, never enough to be substantiated. I never gave much thought to any of that. Most of us either moved, married and a couple of them came out of the closet--including the guy who had let Hank move in with him! Hank remained a friend of our family; he went on a couple of trips with us, always nice and very respectfull and friendly. My mother actually wanted one of my sisters to date him : )

Well, back to about 9 years ago Hank came back into our lives, this time as an all-out gay man. He told us he had finally decided to live as a gay man and if there was a problem, then he would be sorry not to be part of our lives or the other way around. I know that his concerns were mainly because of any judgement we may have had for him due to the church, but by then we had been out for a year or two. We told Hank that he was more than welcome in our lives/home and we had no ill feelings for him. He introduced us to his then partner and things were alright. I started talking to him by email and he first shocked me by saying that back in our young adult days in the midst of all the love sharing by some of the guys in the group "people had talked about me". I asked him what he meant by that? He said that some people had talked that was all and things were dropped, the conversation ended.

A couple of months later, all of the sudden Hank emails me again and asks how is life as a married man with children? Seems his 'biological' clock had been ticking and he had actually considered getting married, possibly father a child, but didn't know how it all might roll out with it being gay and all? I suppose I dug deeper and asked why he was asking me all these things? He just assumed that I knew that he knew about me being gay!! To him it was just one of those matter of fact things that he didn't even need to ask if I was, or if I was out. He just knew. I met with him for lunch one day and Hank was probably the first person I was able to admit face to face about it, but asked him to please, please be extremely discreet because my wife/family was not aware of any of this. As far as I can tell, he has kept his end of the bargain.

Why am I writing this now? Well, I wonder if people really knew or at least had enough sense to get the fact that a bunch of the popular, friendly RMs from back then were actually a bunch of gay guys? Granted, this wasn't all of the young adult males but certainly a good number that stood out from the rest! If people talked about me being gay, why on earth did anyone not sit me down and asked me if I had ever considered this before getting married? Maybe it was the inmaturity of it all; I'm certain that having been in the church and active everyone figured either I'd outgrow it, get married and move on? I'm not trying to blame anyone by this--not at all because I ended up making my own decisions. I certainly hope this is still not going on in the present-day in the church.

I haven't talked to Hank in a long time, I really don't know why his name came to my mind all of the sudden. Maybe I just need to email him again...

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Please remind me...

Not to look at some fellow Mo-Ho video blogs at work!!


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Am I, or am I not?

So am I even considered a "moho"?

I've been touched by the surgence of blogs and entries of people who have dealt with the same issues I do. I admire the young kids who have had enough sense to discover who they are early on and all that it entails than to just marry and hope their life will magically be fixed. I sincerely admire those who have married tried to live the hetero lifestyle and found that it just doesn't work for them. It takes balls to face it and fix it, even with all the devastation and pain that comes with it. I especially respect and honor those who have figured out who they are and are in the process of working their lives out, some have come out to themselves and their spouses; some have at least recognized who they are and are still trying to figure out if anything at all needs to be done.

In my particular case; the side of where the LDS church comes into play is that I was raised a good Mormon kid. I grew up with the standard LDS accomplishments, quorum presidencies, mission, temple marriage, leadership positions (been there, done that, I'm sure I still have a T-shirt somewhere) it until a few years back, when I left the church with my family for other reasons, yet deep down I know this is one of the reasons I may have left the church in itself. So how do we categorize a non-practicing married mormon who has no idea where to go and what to do? Wow, maybe I over-analyze things too much...

Monday, July 14, 2008

First Post

So did you hear the news?

Turns out I'm gay...

Wow, it feels good to let it out in a weird public-yet-not so public kind of way. I don't really know what it really means to me, family or anyone that comes in touch with me on a daily basis. I chose the title Public Loneliness because that is exactly how I feel. My entire life has been a successful show of abilities, successes, friends and many things accomplished and yet I have a huge void of loneliness in my heart.

I guess I'll be exploring all of this in more detail in this blog, most of the parameters I have not determined, so we'll see...if you're reading this, thanks for stopping by.