Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thankful for...

Wow posting so much, I guess it is therapeutic.

1. I'm thankful for my current life. In spite of the ups and downs, I have learned a lot about myself in the last few months. Not everything has been good/fun, but not everything has been sad/bad. For the first time in a long, long time I feel a sense of happiness--yeah sure lots of uncertainty--but I feel that I am true to myself and others.

2. I'm thankful for my kids. I see how they adapt to their disrupted home life with a good face, they bring me so much joy and they bring me so much stress. I suppose they are the measure of how things are going in the areas that matter. I'm also thankful for their mom, she has been very reasonable these few months and that is more than I could ever hope for in a separation. I'm thankful for my family, I've come out to about 1/2 of them and they're still there for me. I'm sure the other 1/2 knows about me but we just haven't got around to talk one-on-one, all in good time and I don't expect things to be much different when I know for sure they all know.

3. I'm thankful for my Moho friends. I see our similar paths, experiences and circumstances and how our lives are enriched by each other even though I haven't met 90% of them in real life. I'm also thankful for my non-Moho friends (those that I've come out to and those that only know I'm going through a separation) for being a huge support system, my mentors, the people that will be there for me after a quick text and allowing me to finally be myself & for tolerating my quirks and criptic messages on Facebook, LOL.

4. There are so many things I can be thankful for (my dog, my jobs, my car, cable TV, my comfy place to live, "the internets"); that I can feel pain to remind make me apreciate the healthy and good times.

5. Finally I am really thankful because there is someone out there that I never expected would come into my life. I had not even considered the possibility of knowing/meeting someone so soon with everything else that is going on in my life and all its craziness. He makes me feel wanted & loved. We are very early in the stages of getting to know each other, I have no idea where is this going to go and my mind panics thinking of all the wrong reasons to even allow myself to go there, but my heart says just let it be, for what it is worth it may not amount to anything but the ride has been exciting and the rush highly intoxicating to the point bringing me to tears just thinking about it. If nothing else this person is showing me that I am capable of the kind of love so many out there think (& I myself thought) wasn't possible...we'll see where that goes... :)


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Soy un exmisionero gay!

Si has encontrado my sitio buscando respuestas a tu vida, ¡bienvenido!

Quiero que sepas que no estas solo. Segun las estadisticas generales 1 en cada 10 personas en el mundo son homosexuales. En la iglesia mormona les gusta ponerlo en el contexto de "Atraccion al Mismo Sexo"--Si eso funciona para comenzar el proceso esta bien. Quizas te sientas abrumado, asustado, nervioso. A muchos nos lleva años el aceptarlo y esta bien, todo mundo tiene su propio tiempo para procesar las cosas.

El ser gay no es una sentencia de muerte o significa que vas a contraer SIDA, no significa que uno tiene que caminar por la vida en pelotas, no es una abominacion, pecado o mal de ningun tipo, solamente significa que le gustan las personas (fisicamente/emocionalmente) del mismo sexo. Que hacemos con esa informacion es lo importante.

Regresando al contexto mormon, la iglesia inclusive ya dice que no es pecado ser gay aunque no se atreven a aceptar que esta es una condicion de hereditaria o de desarrollo--depende mucho de a quien le preguntes. El problema segun las reglas de la iglesia es cuando uno actua en sus atracciones (relaciones sexuales) con personas de su mismo sexo--que es basicamente lo mismo que la fornicacion o el adulterio.

Muchas de las personas se ven en el dilema siguiente:

1. Me dedico a ser un mormon, no tener relaciones homosexuales por el resto de mi vida, quizas me case con una mujer (u hombre en caso de las lesbianas), tengo hijos e intento hacer una vida como la iglesia espera de mi.
2. Me dedico a ser un homosexual declarado, tengo relaciones sexuales, quizas busco pareja y echo todo lo que he aprendido, vivido, sentido por un lado, porque el vivir felizmente es lo mas importante, aunque eso signifique que mi familia me rechaze y la iglesia me excomulgue.

Muchos han tenido que hacer estas decisiones. Muchos mas las tendran que hacer. Siempre hay un precio que pagar, sin importar la direccion que quieras seguir. Ninguna decision es facil. En esta situacion no hay un manual que explique que es lo apropiado, porque todos somos diferentes, y la verdad es que ninguna de las decisiones es correcta o incorrecta, cada quien escoje su vida y aprende a vivir con ellas, pero lo mas imporante es que no estas solo...hay un mundo de personas como tu!!

The Holidays Are Here!!!


Can I just forward all the way to Spring?

Seems kids don't have their Christmas wish lists done.
Their mom says they're just not all into it this year.

Never was a big fan of the holidays while we were together...seems things are not that much different now (damn if I do, damn if I don't kind of thing!).

I am going to have to find a way to celebrate and get the old spirit of the holidays a big thing for me again, it has been years since I've felt it. All the supposed peace, joy, merriment always felt like a total act, does anyone feel like I do or am I just weird that way?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

November theme: A trip down memory lane

First of all, thanks to Mormon Enigma for thinking of fun things like this for all of us to participate in and share about each other's experiences.

I was thinking about what possible deep dark secret I could talk about and expose, a demon to face or dirty laundry air out, but my life is not that complex (I was raised a goody-two-shoes Mormon kid, 'nuff said!)--the deepest darkest secret of my life was me being gay and that is slowly but surely becoming more and more a reality, past that I think my life might actually be just like anyone else's if not actually boring!!

So in coming up with something to talk about the past, I decided to talk about my father. I am the third child in a household of of two boys + 7 (yes, you read that right) girls. Of course not all of us come from the same dad, took my mom 3 men to rack up that many children. My dad was her second husband. I don't know the details of how they met or what their married life was like because I was about 5 years old when they split up and my dad took me, one of my older sisters & my younger brother to live with him--to this day I don't know what posessed my mom to allow that--but we were really raised by my paternal grandmother or as much as she could do for us, my dad drove a truck all over the country so he was there maybe on weekends.

Whatever little I remember about him was that he was a practical & pragmatic man. He had a way with words and could express himself fairly easy. He was likely an extrovert & very easy going, he had friends all over the place. Sometimes I would get lucky to be taken on a work trip with him if I was not in school and I probably remember him being at his happiest showing me the world and the people he knew. He tried to teach me how to swim (although I failed miserably). He taught me how to write funny letters to my mom--yes, way back when people still actually wrote letters-- and I'm sure as much as I could understand he tried to take the best care of us in a way he could/knew how. We were poor, no doubt but probably had everything we needed and were provided as much as private school--years later my sister told me how he managed to do this to my amazement!! The bad side of my father was that he drank, smoked and lived a very unhealthy lifestyle--he wasn't LDS but knew somethings about the church through the family--. He would usually drank himself silly every weekend and once when he was drunk he bet on a game or something which caused him to get his head shaved in front of the whole neighborhood--yet he stood there and took it like a man--I was horribly embarrased of this, I do remember that much...

About six years later my mom (who had moved across the country) sent word for us to come and visit her (and her new husband/children) for the summer. Arriving to see mom was interesting, she had a nice house, nice car, nice life, nice husband, nice kids, what was not to like? We were asked if we wanted to stay and the obvious answer out of an 11 year old had to have been: Hell yeah!!! It is about this time that my family converted to the LDS Church. I'm sure that crushed my dad & it must have helped his life to spiral even more out of control. Gaining a new life as my mom called it gave me tons of resentment towards my dad & anything that had to do with him. I was taught by mom to forget the past and never go back and I did a great job at it!!! About three years later he passed away from a massive heart attack at about age 36. I remember being told about it and standing there totally numb & not wanting to go to the funeral until I was told that we were flying out that night to get there in time (the mind of a teenager, go figure!). I also remember not crying at the viewing or the funeral, I was there but damn if I was going to show anyone I had any feelings of love or loss. Indeed much was lost there, not just his life.

Sadly, my stepdad and I never really connected as a father and son, so the void just sat there forever. I hardly ever thought about my father after he died; again, I was taught not to go there and managed to suppress the thoughts of him, his family or anything having to do with him--that is until I became a father...suddenly thoughts of him and what he was or would be like surfaced back into my head & as I held my babies I finally mourned him. I wanted to know him, remember him, think of him. I wondered what he would be like as a grandpa, how he would be playing with my kids, what kind of advice he would give me growing up, choosing a career, making adult decisions. When I started asking questions from people who knew him (my mom & older sister) I was met with tons of resistance but it didn't stop me. About 5 years ago I traveled back to meet his family (2 uncles) after about 25 years of very intentional lack of contact by me. I didn't know what to expect, perhaps rejection, but instead I was welcomed with nothing but love. They told me they thought that they'd never see me again, they were happy to meet my family and I immediately melted in my uncles warm embraces. I spent time asking tons of questions, got to know him in the best way I could, through his siblings who were still alive. I took pictures of their pictures (they wouldn't share, LOL) and got to know him and where he came from.

Not all questions were answered but I was able to fill in a lot of gaps and questions from what I had been told by my mother and other people from whatever little I had known--finally lots of issues were put to rest. I was asked by a friend if I ever forgave my retrospect I had nothing to forgive, again, he did whatever he could, the best way he knew how, perhaps I had to forgive myself for not reaching out to him and flatly rejecting him when I could have--he allowed me/taught me to write to my mom, don't know why I couldn't have written to him but hey I was learning to be perfect like Christ--oh the irony!! I have often wondered what would have the old man thought of learning that his son is a homo...I guess I'll never know but in my mind I'd like to think that he would have got the biggest kick out of it and likely would tell me to just be happy, whatever that meant. So today I honor that man; I remember very vague details of him, his laughter, the smell of him drinking/smoking, his getting his head shaved, but will cling to those memories because good or bad, that's all I remember about him.

Again, this has turned to be way, way long...

Sunday, November 15, 2009

OGT (Obviously Gay Traits): Music

I was having lunch with a friend the other day at my house (no, not that kind of lunch!) and I plugged in my iPod to have background music while we cooked and ate. He mentioned that he really liked the songs on my random playlist--I have a collection of 80's, 90's, pop, ballads, touch of country, a couple of movie soundtracks, Latin pop (of course!) and thanks to my kid I even downloaded a few Miley Cyrus & Jonas Brothers. I really don't have a huge collection, but it is quite the variety--so my friend says, it is a cool music collection. I asked him to describe it thinking he'd say "very cool" and instead he says:

"It is so obviously gay!!"

I laughed out loud, but just to prove his point, this morning I added Maddona's Vogue and Abba's Dancing Queen to my playlist. Now my collection is not only obviously gay, it is "Fabulously Gay!!"

That gay card still hasn't arrived yet. Who's supposed to bring it to me? :0)

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The most wonderful time of the year!

Well Halloween has fast become my favorite holiday!!!

Is it because of the costumes that allow everyone to be something they're may not be and yet in a weird way let that other being out, even if it is for just a couple of hours?

I have my kids to thank for liking Halloween. I never used to like it, but they got me started on dressing up and enjoying the festivities. This year's celebration started on Thursday, we dressed up at work and had a pretty good time and got to wear my Cat in the Hat Costume. Then on Friday my daughter and I had a Halloween party, mainly for her cousins--nothing too elaborate--but we had a pretty good time (again, same costume). Then yesterday I got to wear my outfit yet again at my part time job--anything to get out of wearing their uniform!! LOL--

We had a couple of possible options for the evening but since my 15-year old son's social life intervened we dropped him off at his friend's house, then my daughter and I hung out at Barnes & Noble, Starbucks, did a little shopping, then drove around a few neighborhoods to watch decorations, all along while talking about everything. I'm amazed a the knowledge and insights of my almost 11-year old daughter. I'm kind of sad she was forced to grow up so fast, but in my mind, she would have probably still be as mature and insightful no matter what (well, I'm biased, what can I say? LOL). Finally we gathered the son and I dropped them off at their moms.

Then the real Halloween fun started!!!

I had read that Alan from Scrum Central and Ezra were going to be at Scott and Sarah's party so I made a dash for their place to greet them (Don't worry I didn't lift Alan's kilt--even though I wanted to, LOL), but when I saw Ezra I told him I was there for his hugs, which he proceeded to give me quite a few of them while we chatted and of course I was in cloud-9!!! I got to see/greet others--The Geisha, Gumby, The Fairy, Robin Hood, Robin, the Devil and the Angel, the hottie Doctor and others; all great fun!!! I always enjoy meeting the Mohos even if it is for just a little bit!

My good friend had told me to call him when I got done running around so I did and he told me to meet him downtown, he was going to take me somewhere fun. I drove down and we ended up at a gay bar--my first time ever!!! If there was a perfect day for me to do this Halloween night was it! I was very anxious walking in, of course I got stared at in ways I'm not used to but that was probably the worst of it. We danced, hung out, people watched, danced, I stared back, and danced... all in good fun, not a drop of alcohol (not by me anyway!). Yeah there were weird ones--but hey it was Halloween--but the experience was awesome. I expected the bar to be littered with handsome and snotty 20-year old twinks in glitter (well a couple of them) but for the most part that wasn't the case at all. For this being my first time in a gay bar it was great!!

I must say that as fun as all of that was, the highlight of the night was running into one of the guys from work that I had talked previously about not being able to come out to---well running into me there took care of that!!! LOL, he kept coming around and hugging me and giving me this big grin, I think he wasn't exactly surprised, but I could see a little bit of the shock in his face.

So although I was a big fan of Halloween already, last night without a doubt bumped the holiday to the top of the list! How was your Halloween?