Sunday, January 2, 2011

Miss me already? :-)

OK so I thought things over and I have found blogging to be therapeutic in many ways. I am not ready to give it up and let's face it, costs a lot less than a session with the shrink!! But I also don't want to talk only about gay stuff,  I think that is what limits my ideas and I'm just going to integrate my life into one whole blog. I used to have an old blog from "back when life wasn't as complicated"--not really it has always been complicated, I was posting things there and then stopped pretty much when this blog was born, so I resurrected it, I have done a couple of postings from there and just come out altogether, no more having double accounts for email and stuff. So here it is:

I have posted a link off my Facebook profile but I am not going to announce it to anyone, I'll just let people find their way into it and catch up with my regular life and just let things evolve naturally. I suppose it is OK to link my new blog from the Moho Directory since I have a link there so free to update your links as well.

Thanks for the encouragement to keep going! Does that sound like a happy medium? :-)


Thursday, December 30, 2010

PL Needs a break...

I've been catching up with Moho blogs lately, some of them are heart-wrenching, some give hope and some I just can't make sense out of. This happens ever so often so it is OK; maybe I just need to detach myself from blogs for a while.

I've considered just ending this blog since I personally don't have the conflict of being Mormon and gay, or being gay and married and all of its complications. I won't shut the blog down because I do believe that my story does have a moral to be learned in the Mohosphere the one about DONT GET MARRIED TO A WOMAN TO CURE YOUR GAYNESS!!!! I recognize that I need to pay it forward and help those that might be in the steps that I was a couple of years ago, when I started peeling the layers and figuring out what my life meant and the train-wreck that it became for a while, so if you need me, my email address is in my profile, I'm more than willing to talk on the phone or text  and if you want and there's always Facebook!!

But for my own sanity, I think I need to start getting a real life...


Monday, December 27, 2010

Got my freak on for Christmas!

In years past, somewhere after Labor day when someone would bring up drawing names or plans for the holidays I would immediately feel a tight knot in my stomach that would send me into depression, only to be exacerbated by the first time I heard "White Christmas" that used to make me cry with sadness. It could have been the stress of how to impress people and all that is tied with it and I was especially not looking forward to it last year going through the turmoil of a separation. I had commented to the babe that I wasn't a big fan of the holidays and I'm sure it probably raised red flags for him but somehow it ended up being a pleasant experience.

This Christmas things were much better. I did have the initial angst but things are different, I realized that I have a lot of control of my attitude and how I would handle situations this time around. I really enjoyed my family's party, went to a few other friend's parties and dinners through the month and even got an official invite to the X's family dinner on Christmas Eve, but I told the kids I wouldn't go. I seriously didn't want to put anyone in the situation of having to deal with anxiety and family drama; been there, done that! Instead I focused my efforts on the kids and I was able to join the babe again at his church's midnight candlelight service on Christmas Eve which in my mind is the best way to reflect and feel the spirit of the season.

What a difference a year makes! I did spend a lot of  time alone but I also found things to keep busy like learning to bake (well more like learning to clean the oven over and over again after some of my failed attempts!) I was able to listen and sing along to Christmas carols (I still find a couple of them sad!) but the babe and I spent more time together this year (some with his own family) and creating some of what we hope to be ongoing traditions for us. Just like last year, he managed to come up with some amazing presents and somewhere between fighting the tears and an incredible amount of gratitude I managed to tell him how great it is to feel that I matter to someone.

So big thumbs up for this holiday season, I know that in spite of my happy post there are plenty out there who struggle with the holidays and I sincerely hope that if that was the situation, at least someone reached out or if nothing else you reached out to others to make even a slight difference in a life and help make the season better all around. I've been there and I know how bad and lonely it can feel even while being in the middle of a celebration or a crowd and if nothing else, hope that there can and always be good times ahead!!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Please have snow, and Misletoe!!

 Hopefully not in the same location, lots of love to everyone in Moholand and Merry Christmas!!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Favorite moment of 2010: When the planets aligned

I was driving the kids back to mom's last night and my son asked what was my favorite moment of 2010. While I was trying to pick my brain I blurted out: "Well anytime I'm hanging out with you guys is my favorite time" to which my daughter replied: "Aaaaww dad, that's so corny!"

"Fine, I said, if I had to pick a favorite moment of 2010 it would be my birthday" I remember writing briefly about it back in October and I said I'd come back with more details but I don't think I ever did. A few months ago I had sort of confessed to the babe that if I could have one thing for my birthday it would be to have the three people I loved with me on that day, the kids and him, maybe dinner even if I had to cook it and just be together.

He had already met my son earlier so that wasn't that big a deal, I knew that meeting my daughter would be a whole other issue and I wasn't even sure how to approach the topic, because I had been made feel that there was no way that would ever happen, so the only thing I could do was to maybe mention things about him to my daughter. I started out by showing her pictures of some of the cakes that the babe has made for his nieces and nephews and how he does that as a tradition. One day she just said: "Well what does he do if he can make all these things?" She then asked, where he lived, did he have pets, etc?

I figured, well here it goes and I asked her how comfortable would she be meeting him on my birthday? She didn't even hesitate for a second and said that it would be just fine. My heart leaped a little but I still knew that anything could potentially change up to the minute she would actually meet him, so I hoped for the best but expected the worst. I think we were all anxious (hell, I know I was and so was he--he told me the night before!) but all things went as planned/expected and he arrived  to my place, brought a cake he had been working on and after meeting her he immediately asked her to help him do the final touches on the cake during which they talked about everything like old friends about books, movies, music and other stuff.

We went out to dinner and the focus continued being on them, never in a condescending way. There was never a mean or disrespectful word between them at all. The kids are pretty outspoken about things they like, feel and believe but never felt threatened by anything from his side. After dinner we came back to my place and had cake and milk. I was so happy my heart felt like it was going to burst. I don't think I had felt so much gratitude to God, Karma, or whatever made that happen and aligned the planets to make it happen. I felt so much love for the kids for giving me that. The babe kept saying how great the kids were, but in my mind I kept thinking how amazing he really is and I probably fell 200 more times in love with that man for making it happen and making it look so effortlessly.

So there it is, my happiest moment of 2010. Do you have a best memory of the year? Blog about it or discuss it here, whatever is best!