Sorry I have been out of the Moho blogsphere, my mind has been in a lot of other things, most of them related to work and family--(darn it having to make a living and spend time on relationships, they severely cut into my blogging and keeping track of friends : ) ).
I've been thinking about a couple of possible postings, but to be honest none of them are real revelations and/or insights that I haven't already read on other blogs. I was telling someone who emailed me that it all started to feel better once I settled on the knowledge that being gay was never going to go away and I had to find ways to accept it, deal with it and live with it in spite of years of trying to be the most faithful and worthy member of the LDS church, taking on callings, attending the Temple regularly, praying--pleading to God to take it away from me. If anyone can imagine just how long it has taken me to barely even admit to being gay--I don't like to call it SSA or Same-Gender Attraction, it is what it is and weird as it may sound it really isn't about sex...
But then again, what is it about?
Is it about building good/solid relationships with men--heck and why not even women? Is it about admiring a good-looking man in the street and have lustful feelings? Is it about the world of fantasy and how I might interpret a gay relationship? Is it about being a fervent advocate of equal rights for everyone regardless of their differences? Is it about feeling comfortable in my own skin and not be afraid of what others might think? I guess one of my tasks now is to find what it all means to me...
And yet the only area that I see it being a conflict is where it comes to my family (wife and children)--yeah I have made my choices, I have made promises that honestly there are days when I wonder my state of mind when I made them. Any other area of my life I would have known how to fix it or do something about it, except this one...I wonder if my life will always be like this--not that it is a complete disaster and it isn't depressing by any means, but I see this as one of those things that has a no win-win situation and it eats me inside...
See? I like I said, no new revelations...
I've been thinking and wondering about you. Hang in there. It is good to know that things are no worse, at the very least, even if they are the same. Let us know when you are ready for us to help!
ReplyDeleteDang I have to learn how to work this comment box better. Thanks for the message, I will keep you posted as I'm able.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say other than thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
ReplyDeleteYour post tells me Mike that you are going through normal stuff. Not every post has to be some profound insight, THAT would not be normal. We're all just fallible humans trying to work through our issues and see as best we can through the dark glass. If it took you this long to be able to admit to yourself who and what you are, why would you expect some instant resolution of everything else afterward? Doesn't work that way for any of us. Just keep on keepin' on. That's what we're all doing. Blogging helps me because journeys together are always better than journeys alone.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about a "new revelation" or insight. Believe me, if that was when I chose to blog, you'd all be better off and spared of my monotanous posts. But, even those that reflect normal life, and struggles and challenges, are important to express.
ReplyDeleteI've found that it's the sharing along the way that leads to the greatest insights and "revelations".
Thanks for commenting and disclosing your thoughts and feelings. I appreciate your part of the journey at the present time. Realize that life is fluid and we are fluid and that there is always a new stretch and new horizon at every new juncture we encounter.
ReplyDeleteContact me if you need anything, man.
I'm here for you, at least in intention and mindfulness.