PL Needs a break...

I've been catching up with Moho blogs lately, some of them are heart-wrenching, some give hope and some I just can't make sense out of. This happens ever so often so it is OK; maybe I just need to detach myself from blogs for a while.

I've considered just ending this blog since I personally don't have the conflict of being Mormon and gay, or being gay and married and all of its complications. I won't shut the blog down because I do believe that my story does have a moral to be learned in the Mohosphere the one about DONT GET MARRIED TO A WOMAN TO CURE YOUR GAYNESS!!!! I recognize that I need to pay it forward and help those that might be in the steps that I was a couple of years ago, when I started peeling the layers and figuring out what my life meant and the train-wreck that it became for a while, so if you need me, my email address is in my profile, I'm more than willing to talk on the phone or text  and if you want and there's always Facebook!!

But for my own sanity, I think I need to start getting a real life...

HUGS,Miguel

Got my freak on for Christmas!

In years past, somewhere after Labor day when someone would bring up drawing names or plans for the holidays I would immediately feel a tight knot in my stomach that would send me into depression, only to be exacerbated by the first time I heard "White Christmas" that used to make me cry with sadness. It could have been the stress of how to impress people and all that is tied with it and I was especially not looking forward to it last year going through the turmoil of a separation. I had commented to the babe that I wasn't a big fan of the holidays and I'm sure it probably raised red flags for him but somehow it ended up being a pleasant experience.

This Christmas things were much better. I did have the initial angst but things are different, I realized that I have a lot of control of my attitude and how I would handle situations this time around. I really enjoyed my family's party, went to a few other friend's parties and dinners through the month and even got an official invite to the X's family dinner on Christmas Eve, but I told the kids I wouldn't go. I seriously didn't want to put anyone in the situation of having to deal with anxiety and family drama; been there, done that! Instead I focused my efforts on the kids and I was able to join the babe again at his church's midnight candlelight service on Christmas Eve which in my mind is the best way to reflect and feel the spirit of the season.

What a difference a year makes! I did spend a lot of  time alone but I also found things to keep busy like learning to bake (well more like learning to clean the oven over and over again after some of my failed attempts!) I was able to listen and sing along to Christmas carols (I still find a couple of them sad!) but the babe and I spent more time together this year (some with his own family) and creating some of what we hope to be ongoing traditions for us. Just like last year, he managed to come up with some amazing presents and somewhere between fighting the tears and an incredible amount of gratitude I managed to tell him how great it is to feel that I matter to someone.

So big thumbs up for this holiday season, I know that in spite of my happy post there are plenty out there who struggle with the holidays and I sincerely hope that if that was the situation, at least someone reached out or if nothing else you reached out to others to make even a slight difference in a life and help make the season better all around. I've been there and I know how bad and lonely it can feel even while being in the middle of a celebration or a crowd and if nothing else, hope that there can and always be good times ahead!!

Please have snow, and Misletoe!!

 Hopefully not in the same location, lots of love to everyone in Moholand and Merry Christmas!!

Favorite moment of 2010: When the planets aligned

I was driving the kids back to mom's last night and my son asked what was my favorite moment of 2010. While I was trying to pick my brain I blurted out: "Well anytime I'm hanging out with you guys is my favorite time" to which my daughter replied: "Aaaaww dad, that's so corny!"

"Fine, I said, if I had to pick a favorite moment of 2010 it would be my birthday" I remember writing briefly about it back in October and I said I'd come back with more details but I don't think I ever did. A few months ago I had sort of confessed to the babe that if I could have one thing for my birthday it would be to have the three people I loved with me on that day, the kids and him, maybe dinner even if I had to cook it and just be together.

He had already met my son earlier so that wasn't that big a deal, I knew that meeting my daughter would be a whole other issue and I wasn't even sure how to approach the topic, because I had been made feel that there was no way that would ever happen, so the only thing I could do was to maybe mention things about him to my daughter. I started out by showing her pictures of some of the cakes that the babe has made for his nieces and nephews and how he does that as a tradition. One day she just said: "Well what does he do if he can make all these things?" She then asked, where he lived, did he have pets, etc?

I figured, well here it goes and I asked her how comfortable would she be meeting him on my birthday? She didn't even hesitate for a second and said that it would be just fine. My heart leaped a little but I still knew that anything could potentially change up to the minute she would actually meet him, so I hoped for the best but expected the worst. I think we were all anxious (hell, I know I was and so was he--he told me the night before!) but all things went as planned/expected and he arrived  to my place, brought a cake he had been working on and after meeting her he immediately asked her to help him do the final touches on the cake during which they talked about everything like old friends about books, movies, music and other stuff.

We went out to dinner and the focus continued being on them, never in a condescending way. There was never a mean or disrespectful word between them at all. The kids are pretty outspoken about things they like, feel and believe but never felt threatened by anything from his side. After dinner we came back to my place and had cake and milk. I was so happy my heart felt like it was going to burst. I don't think I had felt so much gratitude to God, Karma, or whatever made that happen and aligned the planets to make it happen. I felt so much love for the kids for giving me that. The babe kept saying how great the kids were, but in my mind I kept thinking how amazing he really is and I probably fell 200 more times in love with that man for making it happen and making it look so effortlessly.

So there it is, my happiest moment of 2010. Do you have a best memory of the year? Blog about it or discuss it here, whatever is best!

The Facebook Connondrum of My So Called Life...

I’ve debated posting this note on the infamous Facebook for several months and it I think it is about time it gets published but would like to know if anyone has any wisdom to share. I think it is time for me to stop tippy-toeing around many issues and post about more about the stuff I really want and talk about and so forth. I have the example of a few Mohos that have done this part of me says it isn’t a big deal and part says it is, so that’s where I don’t really know what to do. So I drafted something that goes like this:

I signed up for this social network roughly in November of 2008, not really knowing what to expect and soon enough I was connecting with people back to my days in middle school back in Mexico, high school in Houston, mission, church days, past & present work, old and new friends made all in between all those times and of course, immediate and extended family.

I don’t consider my life to be that extraordinary, but experiences and events in my life have made it what it is & the people who have been in and out of it through the years have definitely shaped to be what it is, for better or worse… So where does that leave little ordinary me? While I don’t expect everyone to know everything about me at all times, and agree/disagree with me, I find that I censor myself here a lot (who doesn’t?). The people that are close to me know enough of what's going on and I like that, but there are times when I am still in fear of offending people's feelings and I suppose in an attempt to make everyone aware of what’s really going on in my life and the people I interact on site together, here it goes:

I used to go to middle school, but I don’t anymore

I used to go to high school, but I graduated many years ago! 

I was a missionary in Mexico for the LDS church a long time ago, but that was then

I was married for 16 years, but I am divorced now

I have two amazing and beautiful children who are very smart, outspoken, and feisty and the light of my life

I have not been an active Mormon for several years

I am a gay man and I am finally comfortable with who I am and who I’ve become. I am dating someone at the moment (he's doesn't do the Facebook thing, BTW) at the same time learning how to mesh and combine all the parts of my life that have got me where I am and where my life leads.

If you’re still reading this far, I need to clarify that just as all the different areas of my life it is just that, things about me; they all are components of my life, not the one thing that makes me as an individual but one of my goals in 2011 is to work hard at  being a better me. I don't expect everyone to agree and sure enough I wouldn't be surprised to lose some of you, that's OK, it is part of life and I accept it.

Is it even worth posting it? Any thoughts?

Opera Company of Philadelphia "Hallelujah!" Random Act of Culture

I heard this mentioned yesterday at the Babe's church and boy, would I have loved to have been at Macy's when this happened! This is one of my very favorite Christmas songs. I'll blog more about Christmas songs when I have more time to talk about it, but at least for a little bit, here's a real treat!

Movie Review: The Kids Are Alright

I went home sick from work yesterday and the kids were not due to come home for a few hours so on the way to my place I stopped at Red Box and rented The Kids are Alright. I had wanted to watch this movie for a while and even gave the babe some hell for not wanting to go watch it with me (something always came up)...

Anyway, so I sat down and watched this movie which is about two lesbians who used a sperm donor to have a child each; when the kids are older the daughter seeks out the sperm donor and connects with him. There are a couple of graphic scenes (well it is a gay movie after all) for hetero and gay sex but it was interesting to see the dynamics that this family goes through when someone new comes into their circle.

I've always loved Julianne Moore's acting, she is a classy lady and I watch almost anything she does, also love Annette Bening. They have good chemistry together --in a lesbian kind of way I guess--I don't mean to offend any lesbians out there since I don't really know the first thing about it, so I admit I'm ignorant; yet it is interesting to see how even in this type of "non-traditional" families there is always a dominating person and one who assumes the subservient (sp?) role. 

As the dynamics develop I wondered at which point they were going to address the issue of how alright the kids were, maybe it was just inferred throughout the movie, but I don't think they really addressed it, instead the movie focused much more on the couple's relationship; so I can't say I was impressed and I'm now glad that we didn't spend a full movie ticket to watch it at the theater so the babe is officially off the hook! :-)

The movie itself was alright, I'd give it maybe 1.5 stars...

But that is only because you see Mark Ruffalo in various stages of nakedness......(need I say more?) Ggrrrrrrr!

Movie Review: Make the Yuletide Gay

One of the local gay couple does a gay movie viewing once a month or so. Last night they showed Make The Yuletide Gay. It is the story of a very openly gay college student who goes home for Christmas but he is not out to his parents. His boyfriend who was supposed to go to his own home for Christmas suddenly has a change in plans and surprises the first guy by showing up unexpectedly and the hilarity ensues.

I liked the movie, the acting is kind of bad, I have to admit that the mom was a bit too over the edge and the euphemisms were all over the place, but overall it was a good show. The main actor says somewhere in there that he worked with a lot of LGBT kids and some very conservative parents were more than accepting of their gay kids while very liberal parents completely rejected their kids--all great points. His main worry is that his parents might cut him completely off from their lives.

How many of us have worried about parents and relatives or those close to us not being accepting? I don't really remember having that angst while I was in my late teens or early 20's because frankly, I hadn't even accepted the possibility that I was gay; but seeing how other friends were being treated even by the simple grapevine rumor that they were gay gave me lots to worry about. We had an informal discussion about the experiences of some of the guys who were attending. Some did talk about the horror stories from parents after attempting to come out at young ages and at other stages in life but some relatives (sometimes in unexpected places) were the most accepting, even within very conservative LDS circles.

I've mentioned in the past that I'm a slow learner and I should have probably learned my lessons in acceptance, self awareness and confidence earlier in life, but one of the advantages I had by waiting to come out much later was that I was very much prepared to deal with the fact that some of my family might not be as accepting and in essence developed somewhat of a thick skin. Needless to say I admire all the young ones who have had enough of that self-awareness and are comfortable enough to come out while young and have all the open possibilities of life. In reality most of my immediate family have been accepting---sure none of them have offered to carry rainbow flags at the next pride parade but have been very supportive and accepting nonetheless. I am also glad that being gay is way more mainstream than it was say even 10-20 years ago. I'm glad that at least the media has contributed in part with shows like Will & Grace, Glee, Brothers & Sisters and my latest favorite show Modern Family.

So if you're looking for a movie to put on your Netflix queue, I recommend it, maybe 2.5 thumbs up, but don't expect too much!! :-)

Thoughts on God

Losing my religion (LDS Corp) was one of the most traumatic events in my life. I was trying to put this idea into context a few weeks ago and the best way I could do was to compare it to the Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy and company found that the Powerful Oz was just a silly man behind the curtain. However in my experience there was no man behind the curtain of religion who could still give me a heart, the brains, the courage or tell me to click my ruby slippers to get back home. I was simply: LOST


All I had ever known about God and religion went out the window, but I think it is important to note that The Gospel (way of life or the manner we conduct ourselves) is not the same as a church (organization). For a while I used to visualize God as a possible "He, She or It". I'm not exactly sure when it happened but one day I think lost my belief in God altogether. I think it was a byproduct of losing my faith in the church and became so angry. Perhaps I wanted to blame someone or something and I could not conceive the thought of a being who could allow an organization to play such a number by telling me what to think, what to say, how to dress, what to read, even down to the kind of underwear I was supposed to wear and basically deny my right as a human being for self-thought, expression & individuality.

9-11-01 had already thrown me for a loop long before and may have started me on this path because even then I had a hard time conceiving in in my mind a God that would allow others to create horrible destruction and suffering in His name so by the time I left the LDS church I was no stranger to having crisis of faith. This was before I event dealt with the gay-me concept, what can I say, I'm a slow learner--I'd rather think that I'm a cautious learner, but the reality is that I'm just slow...

Once I made the decision to detach myself from all things religious I was probably an Atheist for 2 or three hours--just kidding--it could have been a few months while I was still trying to discard previous dogma, beliefs and culture while trying to sort out what I actually believed. One of the benefits of my my stint as an Atheist is that I allowed myself to at least explore and consider the possibility of other lines of thought like world religions, Naturalism, Secular Humanism, Buddhism among others and heck even evolution:

I also heard the very weird notion of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and thought: Why not? Anything is possible, no? If I can make myself believe in something that I've never seen why not at least make it an animated figure. I actually did some research on the FSM and there's a whole cult out there. I know it is all satire and more for the sake of mocking the belief in something higher, but let's face it, at the end of the day, this is not any more valid than believing in any other kind of deity...

Of course I am not an extremist person by nature and over time my belief pendulum has swung back and forth a few times, but never back to one extreme or the other. After wandering and searching around I attended mass at the Catholic church for a while and I've attended other churches in my search: Unitarian Universalism, Episcopal, Presbyterian and a couple of others and I've concluded that I like the idea of a higher being, a higher power somewhere out there, it might be Buddha, it might be the Flying Spaghetti Monster, it might be the Holy Trinity, it might be Karma, it might be the Wind, sure it might even be a Human-like being dressed in white robes sitting in a throne up in Heaven (and still dare maintain that it might be a He, She or It!!)

I suppose I'm just a human after all (duh!) and I like the comfort that it brings me to think of something bigger than myself. Now one of the common threads that I found in all of the beliefs (including LDS) aside from the belief of a higher being is The Golden Rule-- basically treat others as you'd like to be treated. Is there a title for the kind of belief in a God that could be anything and reminds me to be a good person just because, not necessarily because He, She, It might smite me?  :-)

I recognize the role that organized religion plays as far as being part of a tribe or community and that may be important for some people, aside from personal beliefs if such delicate dance can be accomplished for better or worse. As for me, at least for now my quest has led me to think that I don't discount the possibility that a God exists BUT will probably never go back to being the unquestioning believer of God. The closest I can come up with a label is probably Hopeful Agnostic-- Again, I'd like to believe in that higher power but I've not seen convincing evidence one way or another.  I think it is fair to say that I'd be even a bigger fool to believe that anyone who doesn't agree or believe like I do is wrong.

The quest continues and perhaps will never end...

Facebook's Fight Against Child Abuse Weekend

I started noticing some of my FB peeps changing their profile pictures through Monday in the fight against child abuse. At first I fought the urge to jump on he bandwagon and this is the reason why:

My mother and my older sister think that someone sexually abused me as a kid, which is why I'm gay....

Well nothing could be further than the truth. I don't remember being sexually abused. Certainly by now in my 40's the memory as much as I would have tried to regress it would have found its way to resurge. I am not a professional in this field, but I certainly think I know myself well enough. Still studies (and I'm sorry I don't have references, this is just a blog post, not a college paper!) say that most of the child abusers are: 1. Heterosexual 2. Someone that the child knows and trusts.

Now I don't discount the fact that a lot of gay men were sexually abused as children. I've heard lots of pretty horrific stories about being abused by older brothers, cousins, uncles, neighbors, scoutmasters, etc. Still save a couple of the men who attribute it directly to the sexual abuse, most of the men say that the abuse in itself was/is not the wild card to their sexuality. This topic may have been brought up in blogs before: Is it nature or is it nurture?

Is it that gay boys have a tendency not to be overbearing that makes them ideal targets for abusers or is it the 'exploring' nature that makes them experiment?  This may be overreaching, but I believe that there's a big difference between sitting in a tent with a bunch (or one or two) of other teenagers all in their underwear and suddenly a wrestling match turns into something else OR as one of my friends explained (GRAPHIC WARNING HERE!): Being startled from sleep with the scoutmaster's penis in his mouth---Now that's sexual abuse!!

Other less graphic theories may include the lack of closeness to a male father figure, well I had plenty of those around, lots of church leaders, uncles, cousins and certainly my stepdad. I've talked about our relationship (or lack of) on this blog in the past but as far as I can I had no lack of access to manly role models. Others may say that I was raised with too many females around (growing up with 7 sisters might be a qualifier) and yeah I did learn to make french braids and the side pony tail on the Barbie--LOL-- but then again: So did my brother and he is not gay!! While I believe that the nurture theory does play somewhat of a role in someone's gayness--and again, I'm not a professional so take it for what it is-- in my mind role of nature has to be the clincher here.

Now this just about sexual abuse. I do believe that emotional abuse can probably be just as scarring and by no means it is less damaging to a child's psyche. This is ultimately why this morning I thought that abuse is abuse and a child should never have to live through any of it, so I joined in and changed my profile picture, I just had to think it over a few hours, sleep on it if you may.

Don't ask, don't tell...

I was reading CNN and I found the following:

Pentagon: Letting openly gay troops serve won't hurt military

I've never served in the military (or wanted to for that matter). My biological father was in the military for a while and so was my step-dad back in the motherland--hey, maybe my mom had a thing for men in uniform, I'll have to sass her about that someday!!--I also have a relative who is in the service and just came back from Afghanistan, as far as I know he is not gay; he's married, him and his wife are pretty conservative--still who is to say right? :-)

A few years ago I was taking an Ethics class we had some debates assigned and this was one of the topics assigned to our group. It just so happened that there was a very openly gay guy in my class as well as someone who was a National Guard and was about to be sent into active duty and they were in opposite sides of the debate. Once we got down to presenting facts and ideas, these two exchanged ideas back and forth, rebuttals and so forth. Finally the professor asked everyone in the room (maybe around 20 people) if they thought that a gay person--openly or closeted for that matter--could serve effectively in the military.  The answers were about evenly split--kind of surprising even for Utah.

The last person that was asked was the soldier who had kind of argued his point, but had not really made a solid case. He took a deep sigh and said something like this: "As much as I tried to look for reasons, I could not find a convincing one why ****** could not serve in the military whether in the closet or openly". HOWEVER, he said that he personally believed that this was more the case in war times (we were deep in the Iraq war) when the Armed Forces needed every possible volunteer to help out. He said that he seriously doubted that he'd feel the same if we were not at war as a country.

Of course none of the above mentioned items qualifies me as an expert, this is just my opinion, but I honestly don't see why a gay soldier could not do his job as effectively as the next person. I don't even understand why it is even being debated in the US Senate right now. Is is that the military is the last sacred cow for people? Are gay servicemen less patriotic than their counterparts? Someone explain it please...

Just my  $.02

November Theme: What are you thankful for?

1. My children-- they bring me joy, they make me proud papa and make it all better with a big hug, no matter what may be going on in our lives.
2. The babe--I only talk about him in general terms here but he's an amazing, loving, funny, handsome and caring guy that came to rescue me from myself in times when I wasn't sure I'd make it through the next hour, let alone the next day.
3. Family and extended relatives who show their love and care. I wish that distance was easier on all of us to share in more good times in person.
4. Friends that I learn from, who show me love and care, who check up on me and take even just a minute to say hey, text their pictures and the occasional hello for no reason---you all rock!!
5. Good health and the occasional aches and pain that make me appreciate the times when all is well with this aging body.
6. A job that allows me to make a decent living and challenges me to be a better employee each day.
7. The Internets that allow me to stay in touch and connected with people especially on those odd nights when insomnia kicks my butt and allows me to learn and appreciate people from all walks of life around the world.
8. The dog who seems to know just when I need a lick in the face or he'll just come and sit on my lap as if to say "I got your back, no one can mess with us"
9. Hope. Hope that things can always get better even if they don't seem to at a given moment.
10. For making it through such a roller-coaster year of emotions, angst, and sometimes sad times, but also was lucky enough to have plenty of good, sweet and happy times as well.

Prayer

Growing up in my family we used to pick on the least likely person to pray when there was a gathering (yeah that one person who would hide, look down & was the least suspecting sucker) and basically put them on the spot. Not sure what the intention of that was, but as I’ve slowly become that one person who is no comfortable praying, I realize the predicament that this move put anyone in and it may have just been plain annoying—and I’m sorry that I ever happened to have been part of that conspiracy!

I asked the babe if his family prays to bless the food and I told him that I was a bit nervous that I might get picked tomorrow while having dinner with his family; I’m not sure of what would I do or say and don’t want to be rude but at the same time would not quite know how to react, while wanting to impress them and all too. I suppose if I get picked it will be Karma’s way of payback-ugh! The babe said that his family does pray but he has not been picked in years so I was probably OK and had nothing to worry about—then again, if I get to be the lucky one, I might just break out and do a chant, or a Catholic prayer, or I might even pray in Spanish, that way I can say whatever I want and they may never know---oh wait, his sisters went on Spanish missions so if I say a nice prayer I might just get on their good graces… I really don’t know why I’m freaking out about this at all…really!?!?

Prayer is one of those funny things, it is supposed to be a personal thing, the connection between the individual and God, yet, when praying in public some people love to show off a bit too much in my not-so-humble opinion. I like prayers basic and to the point, like when on the mission I taught people to pray “the LDS way”:

1. Our Father in Heaven
2. We thank you for…
3. We pray that…
4. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

Growing up in Mexico, I learned to speak to my parents, uncles and older relatives in the informal “TU” tense which in my mind brings people closer. However, depending on where you grow up a person might be taught to use the “USTED” to anyone older than oneself, relatives or not. When we converted to Mormonism we learned to pray in the less formal “TU” tense, at least in Mexico, I don’t know if other Spanish-speaking countries follow that, but I think it made God seem more like I was talking to a relative and I was less scared of Him. Having said that, I never liked the formality of Thee or Thou in English prayers--possibly stemming from the King James version of the Bible--either way it just seems presumptuous to me—Yeah I know we’re talking about God here and I get it, the Big Man Upstairs, Supreme Being, the big Kahuna but hey, it is one of those things that might make the idea of God way more than it should be... just sayin'

Anyway, a few years ago members of my family (after what might seem the fact that we relaxed enough to pick on people) came up with what seems to be an appropriate solution. If I have people over to my house there’s no prayer needed and I’ll announce it so everyone knows they can jump right in and eat. If I’m at one of my sibling’s houses and if we pray they’ll simply announce it and either that sibling or their spouse will pray, never-ever put anyone on the spot and I’ll respectfully bow my head and say amen--especially if I really want that green Jello with carrots to nourish and strengthen me! :-)

I'm praying now so that tomorrow I don’t get picked to pray--how ironic is that?!?

Friendships

This is one of the blog posts that I’ve been mulling in my head for a while. Probably nothing earth shattering, or newsworthy; just personal observations.

First off, the standard pity line: “I never had many close friends growing up” :-)


I chalk this to a few factors: Moving a lot and not growing deep roots anywhere, being insecure & being the object of kid’s humiliation probably prevented me from hanging out with A type kids who ruled with horror on the school playgrounds (or kids in general). High school was a whirlwind of stress, classes, hormones and of course the LDS spin on my life that taught me I was: Not of the world--there also weren’t that many LDS kids in my school, not that it would have helped getting close to anyone, I wouldn’t even deal with the possibility of falling in love with a friend, that was nowhere near my radar!! Does anyone really have a best friend growing up?


Many of my mission companions and I always made plans to stay in touch in the future, little did we know that life (school, marriages, children, jobs) would basically get in the way—but the intentions were good. I had a small group of good friends while I was still single and we got pretty close –not in a sexual way at all—but again, after we all got married our wives (who are now just about all of our exes—oh irony…. ha, ha, ha!!) never really got along so friendships were sadly lost that way. Church, well church is church but just for the record: Home and Visiting teaching do not count as friendship, I may be generalizing and I’m sure there are exceptions, but again, just the way I see it. I do have to admit that a lot of times (as others may have mentioned) the fear of getting close to a guy for fear of falling in love with him or the danger of doing something that might seem inappropriate was a factor in not getting too comfortable being friends with someone as well.


So where does all of this leave divorced, gay men like me? When I first came out & started seeking out friendships with other gay men, the majority of them lost interest after there was no indication that we might be, um…getting it on? I was told by one of those friends that most of his friends were past boyfriends and after they moved on that’s just how their relationships evolved. Some of the men admitted that many of their friends were “FWB” for whenever the need arose. I’m not a prude but frankly I scratch my head about that one—maybe it is a gay cultural thing!


I think I’m not the only one who feels safe (and glad) to have many Mohos as friends—sure many of them are handsome and sexy and yeah I wont lie that the thought did not occassionaly cross my mind—and I know there have been couples formed that started out as friends in the Mohosphere but it really isn’t THE only thing that happens—well at least no one admits to anything happening, right? Guys? Really? Anyone wants to fess up about what happens after Scott’s parties? The main reason I like Moho friends is that at least in my experience there isn't that automatic layer of "let's see what I can say or do to get in your pants". Sure there might be some harmless hugs, flirting and all but again--maybe I'm off my rocker here, but that has been my experience.


I’ve been very fortunate to have formed good friendships with a couple of Mohos local and out of state (they know who they are) & some of the men from the Gay Father’s group most of who are, you guessed it, Mohos!! They get what I’m talking about, what I talk or may rant about and simply: They’ve been there, done that. We can be out and about, doing our thing, be missing for days, weeks or months, but once we connect the synergy and friendship picks up right where we left off and I like  that as our own friendships grow and evolve we get more and more comfortable talking and dealing with issues (some serious, some silly) that we might not talk about in an open forum, but here's still plenty of banter and fun exchanges.


I was of the idea that a person can’t have enough friends and that’s great but lately I’ve thought that having a few close friends and many acquaintances might be best...


Anyone has additional insights on the subject?

Skribit thinghy there on the right

I try to come up with interesting things to write about, ideas, commentaries, but sometimes I draw a blank and don't quite know what to say or post something completely inane --Like this!!

In order to maybe get better organized with my thoughts, I added the Scribit gadget if you have any ideas shoot them my way, it allows you to do annonymous questions, so feel free to ask.

(This is the disclosure part where I reserve the right to answer the things I think are appropriate and/or not answer something if I don't feel comfortable talking about it, but I'm pretty much an open book, I think I can handle it! We'll see!)

Musicals Part # Dos

Since I last posted about musicals I've been making it part of my morning routine to listen to the Broadway hits on Pandora Radio  and enhancing my education (or is it assimilation?)

I think the babe cried a small tear when I told him about it this morning. I was amazed that he knew the lyrics to all the songs that came on the station while drank coffee and he helped me bake stuff for my sister's dinner to which he replied: "sweetie I've been gay for much longer than you, besides my mother loves musicals & I've watched them all my life"

To which I said: "that's a lie! I'm older than you & I've been gay all my life, never mind that most of it was spent in the closet, ha!!"

To which he said: "if you know the next song that comes on I'll shut up" next song came & I didn't know it (damn!) and he made fun while not only singing but also doing the full routine to some piece from The Music Man...

I hope I'm lucky enough to marry him someday! :-)

Does it get better (as a married gay man?)

I've spent part of my day catching up with blogs and it was interesting to see Abelard, Beck and Philip talk about life getting better for married gay men and their different points of view. Those of you who have read this blog know that this story didn't end up in Happily Ever After...

NOT THAT I DIDN'T TRY!!

I think in addressing the "Does it get better" question, one has to ask: What is better?

For me, better used to be managing (more dealing) with the life I had chosen, marriage, children, work, etc, etc. I wanted my cake and eat it too! I probably spent the first 10 years of marriage doing my darnedest, but as time went on, I realized that I was really doing a lousy job balancing all the plates and since I was not going to get out of anything alive, I might as well do something about accepting myself. In business when something is not going well you redesign; look at your course and make the necessary changes to make sure you get where you want to go, but I didn't see my marriage and life necessarily as a business but still; coming out and start living life in what would seem a better way and making the necessary changes was not going to be an easy project...

"Getting better" suddenly became a completely different goal; here I was a middle aged man who suddenly wanted to live a genuine life, really? Was it realistic? Was it going to be easy? Was it going to be worth it? These were the hard questions I asked myself while I lay awake at 3:00 am wondering how I was going to do this and how I could avoid the less possible impact and pain to all involved.... ugh! I also have to admit that just before I separated from my X I asked if it might be worth it staying together and live our lives the way we had and she was the first one to admit that "better" was not going to happen, but that more than likely we'd find ourselves in the same situation sooner or later so it was mutually decided to move on. 

BUT THAT WAS MY LIFE! Others may be fortunate to have better spouses who in spite of the obvious may still want to pursue a life together, who may be more forgiving and more willing to work on the relationship handling whatever issues may come, for better or worse, after all it takes 2-to-tango and I also wondered how irresponsible it was for me to potentially hold her hostage to my allusion of being a seemingly responsible husband and father when my heart was nowhere in my marriage (physically but more important, emotionally) no matter what I told myself and appeared to be. 

*Has life got better? Well yes! I think so but it has also become a slow process which some days seems like things are moving along nicely and some days I just sit and wonder what's going on?!?!?

*Has it been easy? Well, no, but it would certainly be much, much worse if I didn't have a lot of support from relatives and close friends--that seems to make the biggest difference in the world.

*Was it worth it? Somedays I used to second-guess myself but as time moves on I've concluded that it was very well worth it but I've also concluded that there's no one way to do anything in a relationship that can/be copied for the next one, in the end everyone is their own little world and there are no real guarantees in life.

I'm not entirely sure the point I'm making with this posting, would my life had got better as a married gay man? At this point I believe I have enough knowledge and scars to know that it wouldn't have, no matter how hard I tried, or how much I wanted it.

Sad, but true...

What is it about Kurt from Glee?

Did you hear that Glee got nominated for Best Comedy for some award show?

I told the kids I didn't think it was a comedy, but the reason I fail to see is as comedy is because I'm mesmerized by Kurt and how his character is developing. The writers have managed to move him beyond being the fashionable gay token singer with a huge set of pipes of the Glee club into a fully breathing, fearing, hurting, loving, hating, smiling and feeling human being. 

Last night's show was hard to watch, I usually cry a lot when they show things about Kurt. Dealing with his dad and having acceptance, what gay guy wouldn't want Kurt's dad? When Kurt develops a crush on Finn (who of us has not had a young crush?), or manages to play Football and score a goal while being taunted and picked on by the jocks and finally last night's shock of what happened when he stands up to the bully (I won't give it away in case you haven't seen it, but by now you may have already heard anyway!).

I was talking to the babe about the Kurt factor on Glee and he said: We all relate to Kurt in the sense that his life is everyone of us--as in wish I had been confident enough to be out and be myself at that age but also in the sense that "damn, I'm glad I never got picked on as much and as badly as Kurt does". I suppose there's a lot of truth in that. Not that I was artistic or a flamboyant dresser in high school but I remember giving 'the vibe' to a couple of guys who threatened to kick my ass and that put the fear of God in me almost like nothing else. Now I wonder if those guys who threatened me had their own gay fears of acceptance! 

I hope that Kurt becomes boyfriends with the new kid (Blaine?) and they show it in a healthy, fun way so that people (especially all the young ones) can see that gay relationships can also be healthy and not just about the hook-ups and sex and disfunction but who knows, what'll happen, it is FOX after all! I have to confess that although I have learned to love this show because of Kurt, the music, the other kids' experiences, but let's face it, a lot of what attracts me to watch is because I also want to see what is Sue Sylvester up to!! :-)

The things you would have said...

I heard this website being mentioned on the radio the other day and have been reading it off an on.

The letters are mainly written to people who've passed away from those who didn't take the chance to do it at a given time--to me saying "the right time" seems pointless--, there's lots of things in life that the right time never gets here.

So I've sat here thinking of some things that I would have said and to whom?

1. I would have told my X I was gay before we got married. I realize that she wouldn't have married me but the pain of seeing what I've put her through with that one fatal mistake is pretty unbearable sometimes.
2. I would have told myself long ago that it was OK to be me and be happy being a homo and come out much, much earlier than I did; screw what my mother, the church an the supposed society expected of me. I spent many years pleasing everyone in spite of my own happiness. I would also have told myself it was OK to be vulnerable, that I didn't have to be Superman 24/7 and put on a show for everyone; it is exhausting!!! :-)
3. I would have told my daughter many years ago that gay people are alright, worth of respect and love like I did with my son. I realize that she has had to forge her own ideas and mind but I think I dropped the ball working on her (was I protecting her, or me?) and now it is 10 times harder to have her come around.


I'm sure there are a lot other things I would/should have said, but I've also learned that it isn't healthy to dwell in there. The lesson here is to say what you need to say when you need to say it. I've called myself a slow learner before, but I work hard every day having a few regrets as I possibly can...

If this is too personal I understand, but Is there anything that you would have said?

I tried to post something profound last night but got nothing, so here's something today:

To all the gay men I've loved before...

Ha, ha, ha, just had to use that catchy phrase, but no worries, I am not going to reveal anything or out anyone I shouldn't.... this is not that kind of posting (not on election night for heaven's sakes!!) :-) I believe it was Invictus Pilgrim who posted an awesome history of gay men on his blog that made me think about who were some of the early gay people in my life, so here's a quick summary:

I think the first gay man I was ever aware of has to be the Mexican singer/composer Juan Gabriel.

Here was this very effeminate cutie pie that women would scream for and even went as far as to marry and have children but he eventually came out of the closet (gee sound familiar?). The man is a superstar DIVA --kind of a Mexican Elton John-- and his popularity only grows and sadly does his belly, he doesn't look anything like the pic above anymore, but people seem to have grown to just adore him; I think most everyone figured; the guy is talented, so what if he likes men! 

The second gay man I recall is a guy that was someone my family met when we converted to the LDS church. His name is... well let's just call him Ray. I have an old picture of his from when he was my teacher in Primary I think, but I doubt he'd be happy of me posting it. This guy was the poster child for Mormon men. He did everything in the church, talented, funny, easy going and he danced Mexican Folk Dancing like a pro (he had some very OGT's). Eventually he also got married and last I heard (over 15 years ago or so) he was still married, but my parents always referred him as "the kid with all the mannerisms", he, he, he..

Perhaps the next gay man I knew was my Senior year English and Technical Theatre teacher (why on earth did I end up in two different classes with him and not ever figure out he was a fairy or figure more about myself is beyond me!). His name was Mr Sanders. Of course I was so naive and clueless that I even asked him about his wife and he just muttered something as he walked away. But he was the nicest guy, very kind and he had us build the most FABULOUS sets for plays in school--but none of them musicals--now that I think about it.... weird, no? I've always wondered what happened to him and I imagine that if I ever won an Oscar (I don't even act!) I'd honor him on stage, but that's only because of the movie "In and Out".

As I came home from my mission I had a couple of roommates and friends that eventually figured were gay, but damn I was so closeted that no way on earth would I ever dared come out to them, let alone do anything with them. One of those roommates was semi-effeminate and also very nice and he was probably one of the roommates I ever came close to facing my gayness, but my parents demanded I kicked him out because as I was told by them "He reminds us of Ray, the guy with the mannerisms", sigh.... Someday I'll have to write about him... that may be a posting in itself. Before I got married my mission president actually told me about a couple of elders who had come out and were living "the homosexual lifestyle", I don't know what prompted him to tell me that, maybe he was giving me signals that it was OK for me to consider that possibility....

The signs were all there!!

Moving up in the ranks of the church I always had crushes on good-looking men --yeah all ye Elder Quorum and Ward Mission Leaders beware, I crushed on many of ye big time, but being so closeted again, I never dared say or do anything, because as Christ-like as many of them wanted to be, I knew I'd potentially get my sorry ass kicked if I ever dared. Some bishops actually mentioned members by name in meetings who had been seen coming out of gay bars (did they even have those in SLC I thought?) and they way they referred to them was so hostile and so badly I could only sink lower in the closet and only think: "If you only knew there's one in your midst".  

Oddly enough the next gay man I knew about was my X's uncle. We visited family in the Bay area and almost stayed in his house, but his sister warned us against that, but she wouldn't say why. We ended up visiting him and he introduced us to his "roommate". During that visit our 1-year old toddler fell asleep and he asked us to lay him in his bed, so I went into his bedroom and to my surprise there was only a queen-size bed...  I thought "mmmh, roommates with only 1 bed?" LOL..Also, the reason we went on that trip was for the wedding of my X's cousin and guess what, years down the road.... yep, he's gay too! :-P

This is getting long, but I left the LDS church just before coming out of the closet and used to hang out at some of the online Exmo-communities and of course they all have their token gay members. I wrote back and forth with one of the members who lived in Seattle and was openly gay, partner and all, but have lost track of him, but eventually met two others in person after they knew me/about me on the community and eventually coming out to them. I have to say meeting them was one of the most positive experiences of my life. I also participated--I am still subscribed to a gay/mormon list of men who are or were married (The Cha Cha Brotherhood) but I never met anyone in person until years later. All these experiences actually gave me the confidence to meet other gay people in person and the Mohosphere has provided me a good outlet to build good friendships with other gay men. 

This posting probably doesn't have a point other than my own mind's trigger for memory, but I'm sure there are tons of other men who I probably don't even have a clue about (some of them relatives, I'm sure!) but at least from my experience, that gives you a rough idea.

I love musicals...

Really?

A gay guy that likes musicals?

Unheard of!

Growing up I didn't get much exposure to musicals, unless you count Grease maybe! I blame my mission president and his musically inclined family who made us watch movies while I was the financial clerk in the mission home. Maybe I had heard a song here and there, but I don't recall ever seeing the likes of The Sound of Music, Fiddler on the Roof and Singing in the Rain until that point;

AND I LOVED THEM!!

There's just something exhilarating about breaking out in song about something that happens in life whether it is good or bad and yeah I've been moved by many of the songs to tears here and there! Maybe this is one of the reasons why I love Disney movies, they come chuck full of songs, I mean what's better than singing "Chim, Chimney and Supercalifragilisticexpialidotious"!!! When I came home I wanted to buy the videos--yeah I'm that old--, but that never really happened, but when I had kids I had the best excuse to get them, so I did and I made an effort to play them at least a time or two a year--yeah I have to replace my collection because sadly I lost my movies in the divorce, but every now and then I hear the kids say that they were watching one of them and makes me happy they like them enough to keep up the tradition.

I was mentioning some of this to the babe and he happens to have one of the biggest collections of musicals (he has been out most of his adult life)--so he gets to make fun of my amateur addiction--or is it aversion?--to musicals. Still thanks to him I've learned to appreciate other musicals like Gigi and Thoroughly Modern Millie. I've only recently seen Showgirls (after he almost took my gay card away!) and the quest continues.

My only issue with musicals is that I'd love to be able to sing, but I can't carry a tune to save my life, still I hear that there are a few sing along events centered around some of those movies and I think they'd be a riot to attend. I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but do you like musicals? if you do, what are some of your recommendations? :-)

It Gets Better: Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles "True Colors"

I saw this video being posted on a couple of friend's Facebook walls and I heard it was pretty good, but when I finally got around to watch it really touched me. It ranks right up there with Joel Burn's "It Gets Better" Speech and I have been meaning to put them on here. So here are the boys and the amazing video:

Longing and a couple of other random thoughts...

This is probably not healthy, but some days I wish things were back like in the old days, say about 10+ years ago. I think the X used to call it "the age of innocence" when things were much simpler in just about all aspects and all we had to worry was making the house payment, that we had enough food to eat, clothes to wear and that everyone was healthy...,  but then again, that was then and this is now.

Of course people are complex and no one stays the same throughout their lives. Relationships (even husband-wife) evolve and although life can really suck sometimes and hurt like hell, I can't help but feel that I'm in a better place now.

But some days the bug hits, this is probably one of those days...


That's OK, the feeling will go away soon enough, life is funny that way and whips you back into reality faster than I'll hit click to publish this post...but do you ever get that feeling?


*Oh yeah, the random thoughts--gotta have those you know? **
I can't wait for election time to be over, I'm going to vote early on Friday and unfortunately where I live most of my votes will probably not make a difference, still it is the principle of the thing...
I'm quite the cuddle bug--who knew??? can't get enough of it!
This probably needs to be another posting but I love it when the kids tell me they love me before I tell them, just makes my day!!

I wish I had something purple to wear...

I dug in my closet and I honestly have nothing purple to wear and didn't have time to go find something at the store so it is going to be symbolic. I also changed my FB profile picture, no fuss or big announcements.

My daughter wrote a piece for her class on bullying which she let me read (she hardly ever lets me do that). It said that she had been bullyied in school previously, broke my heart, but she is a resilient kid and has learned to stand up for herself and I think has started catching the bug that she can also stand out for others who are not able to do it for themselves.

Small things like this can sometimes make the biggest difference.

Meeting the family...

I don't have a lot of time but just want to give a quick update on last week:

The daughter & son officially met the babe; good conversation, good food and a good time. I'm sure there are still mountains to climb but we've at least started the path...

I met more of his family yesterday & he is meeting a couple more of my family today...

I like the way things are moving and feel like the luckiest man on earth!

Maybe I'll post more later, like when I manage to wipe the stupid grin off my face!! :-)
Publish Post

10-10-10

Sometimes the planets just align...such was the case yesterday.

I had spent the morning with the babe and went to his church with him--(I can handle the 1 hour contemporary service, he, he, he!!). It was nice to start the day with good feelings.

A couple of hours later I picked up the kids and while we were having lunch the topic of the babe came up thanks to my son--maybe he's been working on my daughter--about how he loves to bake desserts and custom cakes and stuff like that; my daughter suddenly turns to me and asks:

So what does he do for a living?
Where does he live?
Does he have pets?
Do you think he'd bake me a cake if I tell him what I want?

etc, etc, etc...

Of course I tried to answer her questions as fast as they were coming. I asked the babe to text me a picture of his dogs and she thought they're cute. I tried to act very casual about the whole thing but inside I was jumping for joy!! Later on I told her:

"Your mom has asked me not to mention anything about this because she said it hurts your feelings--and I certainly don't want you to feel uncomfortable, but I'm wondering if you may be open to meeting "the babe" since my birthday is this week and it would mean the world to me to have all 3 of you in the same place, I don't care about presents or anything, I just want you and him to meet. I think you've figured out by now that he is not going anywhere and it seems like a good time go make this happen"

I saw a twinge of stress in her forehead and then she replied:

"Yes, I'd be open to meeting him"

I asked her: "Are you nervious?"

She said she wasn't, at which point I think I probably took a deep breath and again, tried to act very casual about it but spent the rest of the day with a huge grin on my face. To many people this may not be a huge thing (or maybe even a good thing--haven't had a chance to talk to the ex and see what she thinks, but honestly I don't care!!) but this is something that I've been hoping and praying that might happen for a while.

So Thursday is the day. I've played this situation in my mind so many times and I'm sure how I envision it will have nothing to do with reality but progress is progress in any type/shape/form and that my friends, is a very good thing to happen in my life!! I'm not a big believer in numerology, the essence of how 10-10-10 and other numerical sequences moves/shakes and changes the world, but at least yesterday for me perhaps was just a ping of good luck that might make me a believer, no?

 :-)

Thanks for the Broken bridge BKP :-(

The saddest thing: All the work that many of the Mohos all around, straight allies, and many local and semi-GA LDS leaders have put into bridging the gap between the LDS church and the gay community was completely broken by a simple remark by the Darth Vader of all general authorities, the man who if Thomas S. Monson were to drop dead today would be the next prophet of the Mormon Church.

Way to go alienating people; Im sure that's exactly WHAT WOULD JESUS DO!!!!!


All I can think at this time is the poor Deacon, Priest, Missionary and/or the young woman whose entire hopes for understanding and a little bit of love have completely dashed. I can think of all the parents and relatives who will approach us homos and say: "I love you, but President Packer says..." Forget the compassion, understanding and a glimpse of unconditional love in the name of "The Brethren Have Spoken". 


What a sad, sad, sad day for the Mormon church...

Discoveries and give my regards to DI

I haven't posted in almost 1 month...

It is not that I don't want to or have anything useful to post about but work has been hellish and I disconnected my  home internet only to realize that something else had to give to save money, so I'm back online--Facebooking on my phone is just not the same!!:-)

I've also been busy keeping up with the teenagers, back in school and of course--the babe---interesting things happened there, he had a close relative in the hospital and was under a lot of stress so it was hard to watch him from afar but one one of the evenings I got to meet his mom and his sister (I didn't even have time to freak out since it was all so sudden). His crisis have passed but there were a couple of very scary days for him and his family.

A couple of days after this my mother called me--I'm normally the one to call--and what I thought was a usual Saturday chat was anything but. She had been sick for a couple of days and proceeded to tell me that it was time to set her affairs in order---hearing this made my heart sink--I asked her what was she talking about? She said, that she'd been sick and was realizing that she wasn't going to live forever so she wanted to start fixing her affairs... by this time I was sobbing hysterically, she said that she has been sick off & on, doctors can't quite figure out what's going on, but she suspects this is not the best of news. When I managed to compose myself--of course not knowing what's the situation she told me about a storage unit in Provo that she had been paying for all this years and wanted to get it cleaned/cleared, since she has no idea if she might make it back from Texas to clean it herself. I told her I'd do whatever I could and I spent the next day or so scared out of my mind and thinking the worst. She calls me again the next day in the evening and tells me that she's feeling better and thinking that she may have scared me---really mother? really?

Anyway so I I've been keeping busy cleaning that. I'm not going to lie, watching my parent's entire life stashed into a 5X5 unit has been hard. I've sorted through a lot of family heirlooms, photos and documents and it has been very emotional. One minute I'm laughing and the next minute I'm sobbing, but I managed to empty it out much sooner than I anticipated. I have a couple of plastic totes full of pictures and documents to sort through and for a bit my place looked like an episode of Hoarders, Buried Alive, then I had the epiphany to just chuck everything I thought could go to DI and four trips later I cleaned most of the stuff out. Still I've made some interesting discoveries though and since I'm the one who cleaned the stuff I figured I get first dibs on stuff I wanted! :-) For instance, I found a box full of bed linens, all white, beautiful pillow covers and bedding which I proceeded to wash and I even ironed!!!

 Yes friends, my gay card was promptly delivered by the UPS guy right after I was done ironing the lacy details on the pillows, the babe laughed so hard and hugged me when he saw this, I think I saw a tear out of the corner of his eye!!! And of course the dog proceeded to declare my bed his new nest and kingdom!

BUT THE BIGGEST DISCOVERY of all was to realize that my mom and I have more things in common than we even realize: 

WE BOTH LIKE COCKS!!!

he, he, he...I'm not keeping those, just been fixing some chipped parts and I'm going to have to figure out a way to get them to her--these are her pride and most priceless possessions, or maybe my sisters want them I don't know, but boy have I had fun (and lots of therapy!) doing this!!!! 

Saying I love you

I've had this mulling in my head for a while....I'm not sure where in my development did I embrace the concept of saying what I meant and meaning what I said. I am not sure how or where I learned this but it was very ingrained in my psyche. My immediate family never practiced the art of telling each other "I Love You". To this day I'm not sure whether that was good, bad or just plain sad. It isn't that the love was or isn't there, but it wasn't expressed verbally like that (at least not the way I was raised).

I'm not sure it was normal, but do recall exchanging occasional "I Love You-s" with my ex, but again, it wasn't something that either one of us really expressed (maybe it was a cultural thing--you know how Latin people aren't emotional or passionate about things--ha, ha---joking people!) but again, maybe I'm on to something here, I suppose in my mind it just never sounded genuine and again, maybe it was my subconscious not wanting to look like I was saying things I didn't mean (or putting effort and stock on what I really meant or didn't want to say when I felt like I wasn't being 100% in love with her--which again causes a lot of the "loving vs being in love" issues), or maybe it is one of those culturally sensitive things that you only say to your spouse/partner/better half or significant other a couple of times in your lifetime and/or unless that changes it doesn't need to be said again...I really don't know.

Telling my children I love you is a no-brainer, it requires no effort, it is as natural as breathing. I don't have to fake fatherly love to them and I think that they're used to hearing it. I typically send my kids a "good-night, I love you" text every night and my son replies almost instantly with the same and it just warms my heart. I know my daughter has issues and often times will reply "You too!" I'd like to think she refers to "I love you too" more than the fact that it might just be a "good night too"-- but I'll take the reply either way!!!

A few years ago one of my older sisters started saying "I love you" at the end of our phone conversations. To say that it was uncomfortable to hear that, let alone say it, is an understatement, but slowly but surely I am finding myself telling my siblings that I love them when I'm on the phone with them. Maybe I just need the practice and it will be more flowing and effortless, but again, sibling love is one of those things that doesn't require lots of effort, it is just there through the good times and bad. The one person that I'm having the hardest time saying "I love you" to now is my mother, can't figure that one out. It may be because I don't hear it from her---I may have posted this before but the most I've heard from her is "You're loved"---um, yeah mom, I know I'm loved, but by whom? the dog? by the postman? the bill collector? perhaps you? I see where some of my issues come from...

Finally; what in my mind would take an obscene amount of sweat and effort, one day, a few months ago watching a movie or something I turned and I blurted out to the babe that I thought loved him. I think I caused him to catch his breath for a second, then he told me that he thought he loved me too...then I proceeded to bawl like a baby for a while in his arms--that's the only way I could deal with finally telling someone from my heart the kind of romantic love I felt the way that I wanted it and pictured it to feel like--it was an amazing experience and very liberating. I don't know if he might feel comfortable me saying this, but we text back & fort a few times a day and not once has he ever missed the phrase "I love you", not to mention saying it when we see each other in person or whispering it across a table and now it is part of our conversation--this might sound cliquish but wasn't there a movie phase that said: "The greatest joy in life is to love and be loved in return"---or something like that? Whether this relationship ends up being much more than it is now, I am glad I've been able to make this breakthrough and know that it is possible to not just feel it, but also being able to express it in many ways, including verbally--fantastic feeling!!!

Do you have a hard time saying "I love you"? why, why not?

August Theme: August Theme: Pioneer Heritage

I wish I had a cool picture of pioneers to put here, but I have no Mormon Pioneer ancestors. Back when I used to be a believing, active Mormon I always felt a twinge of envy for members who did and could tell stories of how grandma walked barefoot across the snow covered plains pulling her handcart while breastfeeding her baby, just after sending her husband on the Mormon Battalion (OK, I'm exaggerating a bit here and I'm sorry if this offends anyone whose granny actually did that!!) But it was yet another reminder how "I really didn't fit in".

 

However, the LDS culture always has room to spin just about anything. So sure, there could be stories like that of my uncle, the first person from the family who became a member, my step dad who gave up being a cop after converting to the church and moving his family to a new country in search of a better life. Sure, my siblings and I didn't pull handcarts, but boy we pulled lots and lots of garbage cans around buildings, mop buckets worked many nights past midnight stripping and waxing floors and still were required to wake up for early-morning seminary. I think you get the idea but I'm not so sure that's what the theme is about...

 

While I don't have any LDS Pioneer stories to relate, I also do believe that I've broken a lot of new ground in my life and while I've conformed in many things--yes, throw the->->had to marry a woman to meet my social/family expectations on my face again why don't you?-- I also would like to think that I've forged my own way through many others. I probably have never felt more like a Pioneer than I have in the last year and a half:

• I may have not walked across the plains, but boy I have walked and walked. There used to be nights when all I could do to not lose my mind was to grab the dog and go on a long walk and listen to the dead silence of the streets at 3:00 a.m. I wore out a pair of tennis shoes in just a year and was also surprised to realize just how many insomniacs are out there either watching TV and occasionally walking around the streets themselves.
• I've learned to let go of just about anything material. Ever found yourself with $5 and a 1/4 of tank of gas and about a full week until the next paycheck? I suppose this is where a lot of the walking especially walking by faith came in handy!
• I've had to forged my way through a lot of unknowns and uncertain. Sure I have not run into wolves or other beasts but I've run into weird and not so quirky people as much as I've also run into an amazing and supportive community that in essence has circled their wagons around me more times than I've probably been able to notice one way or another.
• Have I arrived to the promised land? Hardly, some days I'm not sure such place exists, but I have to picture my own version of Zion (yeah the one with rainbows and pride parades and where everyone is friendly, helpful and caring, after all isn't that why I like to watch beauty pageants, because I want world peace?) :-). I am not sure I'll ever find it 100% but hey, I believe that's what makes the journey all the more exciting. Some lessons have been fun and some have been painful...such is life!

In Retrospect: Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

I remember watching this video a few years back and being brought to tears by the message:



I was captivated that Cristina was able to express how the "ugly and undesirable" in someone's eyes was also beautiful to someone else, and I was especially captivated by the gay couple. Somewhere around that time I remember finally telling myself: "Stop fighting what and who you are, it is never going to go away; accept yourself and the rest will take care of itself." Well the reality is that I had created such a mess out of my life that nothing just took care of itself, It took a few more years for things to be put in motion, lots of painful first steps, lots of painful tears, but here I am now. I still can't watch this video & not burst into tears, but I think this video touched and helped me in ways I never imagined.

Hodgepodge

This post is just a collection of current thoughts, nothing in particular earth-shattering so...don't say I didn't warn you:

1. My life is starting to take shape of somewhat of organized chaos, the last year my life was just plain chaos. I think I may be a chaos hoarder--but I can quit anytime I want, ha!! I started my chaos cleaning, some things & people that are not helping my cause have got to go, bye, bye!!

2. About twice a week I get hit by insomnia. I'm trying to pay special attention to what triggers it, what I may do in my day or habits that make it happen. I don't mind if it hits on the weekends, but on weekdays..ugh!! Mom thinks I need happy pills--or as she calls them, natural herb with no chemicals supplements to help me curb it....mom? if they're herb supplements they have chemicals, where do you think all the other pills come from? I've learned that anxiety is not only real, but a total bitch... maybe mom is right, I may need happy pills...

3. I ended up removing the Facebook tag from my blog page, sorry but I started getting all weird kinds of friend requests that freaked me out (not the Moho's, that's OK I got a few of those and they're OK) but when Shanelique Polestar and her friends want to be my friend I wonder what in the world could we possibly have in common to hang out? I already have enough of a hard time maintaining lots of old ward, mission, family and other assorted friendships there, don't need more baggage (see chaos comment above!), but I updated my email address on my profile here so I can be found if you really want to hook up....er I mean connect of course!!

4. Speaking of FB, the next time I get asked by anyone to say hi to my ex, I'm defriending them (even if it is my absend-minded but well-meaning sister: a couple of weeks ago while saying goodbye on the phone--"say hi to the kids and-insert ex's name here"--um, er sis--we're not together anymore, how many times do I have to shock you?) So what if I haven't officially announced it or updated my relationship status; this would be one of those times when I need that grapevine to spread, so why can't people just take care of doing that, you know through normal gossip?

4. I sometimes fear that the closer I get to my son and I celebrate and thank my lucky stars is the equivalent of the more distant I become from my 11 year old daughter. It scares and makes me sad to no end...

6. Spending time with the babe only makes me want to spend more time with him-- can't we just fast-forward to happily ever-after? Yeah I know; nothing in haste, one day at a time, it'll happen someday...blah, blah, blah!! Isn't that the natural order of things? Closeted gay mormon comes out, divorces, finds hunky man that makes him laugh and feel love, they decide to spend all their days in bliss and they ride together into the sunset? I want Devin's life right now... just sayin'

7. I warned you there was nothing worthwile here, don't you wish you had the time you wasted reading here back?

The son and Prop 8, the Documentary.

Last Sunday my kid out of nowhere asked me to take him to a screening of Prop 8. Since he had met the babe briefly two weekends ago I had not wanted to touch much on gay issues with him (or say push my luck?). Anyway when he asked me to take him to the screening at a community coffee house I jumped right at the chance.

Watching the movie this time was probably harder than when I saw it at the theatre, it was a much smaller audience, a casual setting and of course my kid & his cousin were watching it right by my side. I knew I was going to feel the anger @ the LDS church, but I was a bit taken because I think I also felt a huge sense of sadness that an organization that is so much about "What Would Jesus Do" go to such extremes to push an agenda. Anyway that's really beside the point but there were several sad pieces where I had to hold the tears and keep it together.

My 16yr old is not the typical "care only about me". He loves to go on protests and marches for the issues that are close to his heart and mind. He is a very passionate kid and I recently posted a link on FB about a rally he participated at the state capitol and he was in a couple of pictures in the article holding protest signs. When he saw me trying to fight the tears at the documentary he put his arm around me and then I lost it. This is one of the most caring kids I know. Immediately after watching the documentary he was mighty pissed and wanted to know where Senator Buttars lived, LOL... I told him not to worry, the man has plenty of haters already... I read his FB postings for the next couple of days and he has now become a huge supporter of gay rights, he has come a long ways but I'm not surprised, that's just how he is.

He happened to be in my office when news broke about Prop. 8 being overturned. He saw my Facebook feed and how a lot of my Moho friends were posting left and right and he was excited as he could be. He has become a huge support of human rights, regardless of the situation. I don't think he even talks to his mom or his sister about it, I think he feels that he might hurt their feelings or make them feel that he is turning his back on them, which is not the case at all, he is just a young man who cares about a lot of things. I casually asked him what he thought about his sister's acceptance and he said: "She is still way young, give her a few years and she'll be in the same place as us".

Sometimes I wonder what happened to the little kid overnight turned in to such a mature adult. Don't get me wrong, I like it!

So, what now?

So much that has happened in the last year in my life. I can't help but think just how many things have changed, most of them because they needed to change and some have just happened as a result of my decisions, some good, some not-so-good, but overall I'm pleased on how somethings have evolved and how I am still working on other aspects of my life.

So where am I now?

• I've come out to family & friends, at least the ones that matter the most in my life. I've considered doing the public-mass email to everyone just announcing it or doing a public coming out on Facebook but something tells me to just let things evolve naturally and that makes more sense to me. So far I've not had negative responses from the people I've talked to and I hope that this continues being the case--although I am realistic enough to know that there'll be some bumps on the road now and then.
• Divorce has officially happened and I did not end up under the bridge-- to be honest I didn't postpone filing for divorce because I thought we might reconcile--I think it was pretty clear from the beginning of the separation that we were done, otherwise we wouldn't have ever split up--but because I feared that I'd end up squatting in some obscure basement room with no ability to continue having some sense of control over my quality of life--I know that is pretty irrational--but some days I was made feel in no uncertain way by my ex that she'd take me to the cleaners. Now we're redefining our relationship, sometimes it is rocky, most of the time it is just civil, if nothing else for the sake of the kids.
• I have somehow managed to maintain a good relationship with my kids. I know they're disappointed in so many ways, but they're also very resilient. My heart has bled many times when I've seen their sad and anxious faces. At times I've feared that they'd tell me they want to have nothing to do with me--which is one of the possibilities in life, regardless of the issues--but I've tried to if nothing else show them constant attention, love and affection. I hope that someday we'll look in retrospect and all agree that it was the best thing for all of us and that our dad-children relationship keeps evolving through the years.
• I am in a relationship with an amazing man who is loving & caring and that relationship only keeps getting deeper. A year ago this was a possibility I could imagine--but many years ahead--little did I know that things would happen way sooner. I used to day dream about someday having a boyfriend and how everything would work out just perfectly--I am not going to lie, there have been times I've felt confused and my insecurities have caused me to make mistakes--the reality is that just because a person has all the right body parts does not automatically make things perfect; people are complex and relationships are certainly complex--but boy--to be in a place where someone makes me feel so loved and needed, cared for, someone that my heart beats faster even if I see him for just a few minutes or the elation of spending an entire evening together. We've talked about the possibility of a future life together and we still have a long ways ahead to get there, we're both aware that it just doesn't happen overnight, no matter how fast we want things to move, all in good time I suppose. He barely & briefly met my son last weekend--huge milestone for me!! Next move is to start introducing each other to relatives--good times ahead!!!
• Church---I don't think I'm shy about my disaffection with the LDS church, I am glad that it works for lots of people, that it provides a safe haven and sanctuary, but for me there's just nothing there that might help me as a gay individual and as a single dad. I'd venture say that even if for some reason they fully embrace and allow openly gay members in relationships and seal them in their temples, I would still not consider going back, that's just the way it is...I will always treasure my upbringing as a Mormon, my years in early-morning seminary, my mission and the time and resources I dedicated to it; I certainly learned lots of awesome things that I apply in my life everyday and let's face it, living where I do it really helps to know how to speak "Mormonese". I respect my relatives and friends whose lives revolve around the church, if it works for them, I'm happy. I do believe one of my next moves is to have my name removed from the roles.

So again, what happens now?

I'm not sure...

Will I keep blogging as Public Loneliness? Will I change my blog name to Public Exposure as Controllerone suggested? he, he, he...I'll probably keep blogging here, ranting and the occasional shot at the church, my life isn't over, why should my blog? LOL

For starters how'bout just being more public about who I am? I think lots of Mohos here know who I am and I'm friends on Facebook with a lot of them already, but some don't know that I blog as Public Loneliness so as a way to publicly come out: Hi, I'm Miguel, I think I'm brave enough to put my FB badge here now.