So, what now?

So much that has happened in the last year in my life. I can't help but think just how many things have changed, most of them because they needed to change and some have just happened as a result of my decisions, some good, some not-so-good, but overall I'm pleased on how somethings have evolved and how I am still working on other aspects of my life.

So where am I now?

• I've come out to family & friends, at least the ones that matter the most in my life. I've considered doing the public-mass email to everyone just announcing it or doing a public coming out on Facebook but something tells me to just let things evolve naturally and that makes more sense to me. So far I've not had negative responses from the people I've talked to and I hope that this continues being the case--although I am realistic enough to know that there'll be some bumps on the road now and then.
• Divorce has officially happened and I did not end up under the bridge-- to be honest I didn't postpone filing for divorce because I thought we might reconcile--I think it was pretty clear from the beginning of the separation that we were done, otherwise we wouldn't have ever split up--but because I feared that I'd end up squatting in some obscure basement room with no ability to continue having some sense of control over my quality of life--I know that is pretty irrational--but some days I was made feel in no uncertain way by my ex that she'd take me to the cleaners. Now we're redefining our relationship, sometimes it is rocky, most of the time it is just civil, if nothing else for the sake of the kids.
• I have somehow managed to maintain a good relationship with my kids. I know they're disappointed in so many ways, but they're also very resilient. My heart has bled many times when I've seen their sad and anxious faces. At times I've feared that they'd tell me they want to have nothing to do with me--which is one of the possibilities in life, regardless of the issues--but I've tried to if nothing else show them constant attention, love and affection. I hope that someday we'll look in retrospect and all agree that it was the best thing for all of us and that our dad-children relationship keeps evolving through the years.
• I am in a relationship with an amazing man who is loving & caring and that relationship only keeps getting deeper. A year ago this was a possibility I could imagine--but many years ahead--little did I know that things would happen way sooner. I used to day dream about someday having a boyfriend and how everything would work out just perfectly--I am not going to lie, there have been times I've felt confused and my insecurities have caused me to make mistakes--the reality is that just because a person has all the right body parts does not automatically make things perfect; people are complex and relationships are certainly complex--but boy--to be in a place where someone makes me feel so loved and needed, cared for, someone that my heart beats faster even if I see him for just a few minutes or the elation of spending an entire evening together. We've talked about the possibility of a future life together and we still have a long ways ahead to get there, we're both aware that it just doesn't happen overnight, no matter how fast we want things to move, all in good time I suppose. He barely & briefly met my son last weekend--huge milestone for me!! Next move is to start introducing each other to relatives--good times ahead!!!
• Church---I don't think I'm shy about my disaffection with the LDS church, I am glad that it works for lots of people, that it provides a safe haven and sanctuary, but for me there's just nothing there that might help me as a gay individual and as a single dad. I'd venture say that even if for some reason they fully embrace and allow openly gay members in relationships and seal them in their temples, I would still not consider going back, that's just the way it is...I will always treasure my upbringing as a Mormon, my years in early-morning seminary, my mission and the time and resources I dedicated to it; I certainly learned lots of awesome things that I apply in my life everyday and let's face it, living where I do it really helps to know how to speak "Mormonese". I respect my relatives and friends whose lives revolve around the church, if it works for them, I'm happy. I do believe one of my next moves is to have my name removed from the roles.

So again, what happens now?

I'm not sure...

Will I keep blogging as Public Loneliness? Will I change my blog name to Public Exposure as Controllerone suggested? he, he, he...I'll probably keep blogging here, ranting and the occasional shot at the church, my life isn't over, why should my blog? LOL

For starters how'bout just being more public about who I am? I think lots of Mohos here know who I am and I'm friends on Facebook with a lot of them already, but some don't know that I blog as Public Loneliness so as a way to publicly come out: Hi, I'm Miguel, I think I'm brave enough to put my FB badge here now.