Thoughts on God

Losing my religion (LDS Corp) was one of the most traumatic events in my life. I was trying to put this idea into context a few weeks ago and the best way I could do was to compare it to the Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy and company found that the Powerful Oz was just a silly man behind the curtain. However in my experience there was no man behind the curtain of religion who could still give me a heart, the brains, the courage or tell me to click my ruby slippers to get back home. I was simply: LOST


All I had ever known about God and religion went out the window, but I think it is important to note that The Gospel (way of life or the manner we conduct ourselves) is not the same as a church (organization). For a while I used to visualize God as a possible "He, She or It". I'm not exactly sure when it happened but one day I think lost my belief in God altogether. I think it was a byproduct of losing my faith in the church and became so angry. Perhaps I wanted to blame someone or something and I could not conceive the thought of a being who could allow an organization to play such a number by telling me what to think, what to say, how to dress, what to read, even down to the kind of underwear I was supposed to wear and basically deny my right as a human being for self-thought, expression & individuality.

9-11-01 had already thrown me for a loop long before and may have started me on this path because even then I had a hard time conceiving in in my mind a God that would allow others to create horrible destruction and suffering in His name so by the time I left the LDS church I was no stranger to having crisis of faith. This was before I event dealt with the gay-me concept, what can I say, I'm a slow learner--I'd rather think that I'm a cautious learner, but the reality is that I'm just slow...

Once I made the decision to detach myself from all things religious I was probably an Atheist for 2 or three hours--just kidding--it could have been a few months while I was still trying to discard previous dogma, beliefs and culture while trying to sort out what I actually believed. One of the benefits of my my stint as an Atheist is that I allowed myself to at least explore and consider the possibility of other lines of thought like world religions, Naturalism, Secular Humanism, Buddhism among others and heck even evolution:

I also heard the very weird notion of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and thought: Why not? Anything is possible, no? If I can make myself believe in something that I've never seen why not at least make it an animated figure. I actually did some research on the FSM and there's a whole cult out there. I know it is all satire and more for the sake of mocking the belief in something higher, but let's face it, at the end of the day, this is not any more valid than believing in any other kind of deity...

Of course I am not an extremist person by nature and over time my belief pendulum has swung back and forth a few times, but never back to one extreme or the other. After wandering and searching around I attended mass at the Catholic church for a while and I've attended other churches in my search: Unitarian Universalism, Episcopal, Presbyterian and a couple of others and I've concluded that I like the idea of a higher being, a higher power somewhere out there, it might be Buddha, it might be the Flying Spaghetti Monster, it might be the Holy Trinity, it might be Karma, it might be the Wind, sure it might even be a Human-like being dressed in white robes sitting in a throne up in Heaven (and still dare maintain that it might be a He, She or It!!)

I suppose I'm just a human after all (duh!) and I like the comfort that it brings me to think of something bigger than myself. Now one of the common threads that I found in all of the beliefs (including LDS) aside from the belief of a higher being is The Golden Rule-- basically treat others as you'd like to be treated. Is there a title for the kind of belief in a God that could be anything and reminds me to be a good person just because, not necessarily because He, She, It might smite me?  :-)

I recognize the role that organized religion plays as far as being part of a tribe or community and that may be important for some people, aside from personal beliefs if such delicate dance can be accomplished for better or worse. As for me, at least for now my quest has led me to think that I don't discount the possibility that a God exists BUT will probably never go back to being the unquestioning believer of God. The closest I can come up with a label is probably Hopeful Agnostic-- Again, I'd like to believe in that higher power but I've not seen convincing evidence one way or another.  I think it is fair to say that I'd be even a bigger fool to believe that anyone who doesn't agree or believe like I do is wrong.

The quest continues and perhaps will never end...