So the shrink says....

I called the shrink yesterday to get an appointment sometime in the next week and there was a spot that had opened due to a cancellation so I rushed over to talk... I updated on all the stuff that has been going on since I last went and about my guy-guy relationship.

At one point I could see the facial expressions saying: "So what is it you're here about, since it appears you're doing just fine?" I said: "The bottom line is that I'm having severe anxiety when I'm alone, either without the kids or without the babe. I hate it when it happens and it tears me apart, I don't know what to do with myself; I can probably handle being by myself, I've learned to do that in the last year--has been hard, but I can do it--but I also notice it it more obvious when I don't seem to have definite plans--the control freak in me wants to know everything that is going on, where, who, when, etc, etc". I mentioned that I don't think it is healty to be in that mode but don't know quite how to cope and don't want to be obnoxious about it.

I was asked what causes this anxiety? No person can be around others all the time, no person can stand to be with someone 24/7 and be normal--yep, I get it. As a married man to a woman, especially a Mormon married man there was so much structure to my life, what to do when before bed, before meals, before meetings, temple days, bishopric meetings, home teaching, interviews, what underwear I was expected to wear, how to dress on Sunday, blessings, more meetings and if nothing else it was always my responsibility to look over the family and I was always "fixing" whatever was wrong--even if I had no business or possible way to ever really fixing it. I can see where the control freak felt so at home and now that I don't have any of those extra demands on my life I feel lost --and anxious, duh!

After asking a couple of follow up questions the shrink said that it is pretty normal to feel anxiety with all the stuff that's going on in my life and bottom line: I have to kick the control freak in me to the curb and just be--easier said than done!!! I was told to find activities I can do by myself and also plan for things to do that do not involve the kids or the babe, that this is actually a sign of a well-balanced life--that a person has layers and all those layers have to have time to develop in one way or another and this will actually help me be a better person to the ones I love. I was warned that if I can't control this then the anxiety can really turn unhealthy and it can be damning to my relationships with my loved ones (read my kids and the babe)--that's the last thing I want to do, this is why I want to learn to handle this now when I'm noticing it rather than letting the monster grow. Bottom line, my homework for the next little while is to take the following to heart (or beat it into me, whatever works best):

Now I know why some people meditate...

We'll see how the experiment works...