Soccer or Futbol?

I am not a huge sports nut, but I like to watch the big events (Olympics, NBA finals, World Cup, etc). Is it the rock star celebrity status of the players? or is it the sportsmanship? Oh yeah that's it...

I'm obviously watching the World Cup for the wrong (or right reasons, depending how you look at it!) he, he, he!

Whatever the reasons, I'm definitely enjoying the eye candy, especially in the ceremonial exchange of Jerseys at the end of the games!!

Grrrrrrrrrrr!!

So the shrink says....

I called the shrink yesterday to get an appointment sometime in the next week and there was a spot that had opened due to a cancellation so I rushed over to talk... I updated on all the stuff that has been going on since I last went and about my guy-guy relationship.

At one point I could see the facial expressions saying: "So what is it you're here about, since it appears you're doing just fine?" I said: "The bottom line is that I'm having severe anxiety when I'm alone, either without the kids or without the babe. I hate it when it happens and it tears me apart, I don't know what to do with myself; I can probably handle being by myself, I've learned to do that in the last year--has been hard, but I can do it--but I also notice it it more obvious when I don't seem to have definite plans--the control freak in me wants to know everything that is going on, where, who, when, etc, etc". I mentioned that I don't think it is healty to be in that mode but don't know quite how to cope and don't want to be obnoxious about it.

I was asked what causes this anxiety? No person can be around others all the time, no person can stand to be with someone 24/7 and be normal--yep, I get it. As a married man to a woman, especially a Mormon married man there was so much structure to my life, what to do when before bed, before meals, before meetings, temple days, bishopric meetings, home teaching, interviews, what underwear I was expected to wear, how to dress on Sunday, blessings, more meetings and if nothing else it was always my responsibility to look over the family and I was always "fixing" whatever was wrong--even if I had no business or possible way to ever really fixing it. I can see where the control freak felt so at home and now that I don't have any of those extra demands on my life I feel lost --and anxious, duh!

After asking a couple of follow up questions the shrink said that it is pretty normal to feel anxiety with all the stuff that's going on in my life and bottom line: I have to kick the control freak in me to the curb and just be--easier said than done!!! I was told to find activities I can do by myself and also plan for things to do that do not involve the kids or the babe, that this is actually a sign of a well-balanced life--that a person has layers and all those layers have to have time to develop in one way or another and this will actually help me be a better person to the ones I love. I was warned that if I can't control this then the anxiety can really turn unhealthy and it can be damning to my relationships with my loved ones (read my kids and the babe)--that's the last thing I want to do, this is why I want to learn to handle this now when I'm noticing it rather than letting the monster grow. Bottom line, my homework for the next little while is to take the following to heart (or beat it into me, whatever works best):

Now I know why some people meditate...

We'll see how the experiment works...

Upcoming Idaho Fireside for "The Gays"

I have to admit that I don't have any solid opinions on the upcoming fireside in SE Idaho. I do know Bravone is one of the most geniune guys out there and I'm sure his intentions and those that are helping put this together are sincere.

Last Fall when I went to my first Affirmation Conference I listened to Carolyn Pearson's talks on how we need to start bridging the gap and reaching out to people in the LDS Church in any possible way. This helps bring awareness and if nothing else put a gay human face to the members of the church--rather than the characters they see on Will and Grace, Brothers & Sisters and Modern Family. I have to tell you it makes a huge impression on someone to know that their very own neighbor, or coworker, or so-and-so's son/daughter is gay, people become are more apt to be willing to talk about it and stop making assumptions, many stereotypes are erased and pave the way for understanding. BUT WE HAVE TO START SOMEWHERE--perhaps this is one of the best ways, it may not be perfect, it may not be the ideal for everyone, but it is a start nonetheless: BRAVO for these efforts!!

I am a bit more torn about their Keynote speaker--granted I don't know him from Jack, I have no clue what the intention or the expectations are in doing this but if nothing else I hope he does mention if/or that he made his now wife aware of him being gay and together they made an informed decision on taking steps in getting married and embarking in a MOM. I'd really be curious to read his keynote speech if they allow to be published it or someone will report on it perhaps in the Mohosphere.

Anxiety? really?

I've just spent one of the best weekends I've had in a while with a few firsts:

Last Friday I met a fellow Moho Blogger for lunch (After the fact edit--I guess it was ok to share!); we spent a good while talking and sharing a little bit about our lives. I wish I had been able to spend much more time, but nonetheless it was a great & positive experience and yes I've yet to have a bad experience meeting fellow Mohos in person.

Later in the evening I had dinner with the babe and he made strawberry margaritas; he made me a list of things to purchase--let's just say that walking into a liquor store is intimidating as hell; I had no idea of all the different kinds of tequila that there are, so just picked one based on the shape of the bottle that I liked---he, he, he, if that's not a sign of being a gay amateur drinker, I don't know what is!!

I have to be honest, I was anxious about the drinking alcohol--my biological father was an alcoholic and I'm sure it was a huge contributor to his death at age 36-- and I'm not even sure where or from whom I heard about this concept but for some reason while growing up I always felt that the minute I tasted a drop of alcohol I'd turn into a raging alcoholic--obviously not true. I also always felt that drinking would make me lose control and the control freak in me would probably make the biggest ass of myself--for which I'd never be able to remember my actions. I obviously didn't drink to oblivion, but just enough to feel a weird but also fun buzz and I'm happy to report that the worst thing I probably did was giggle for dumb things but I never felt lack of control for my thoughts or actions and lucky for me, no hangover the next day!!

On Saturday, I went to my first Gay wedding!! I was lucky to be invited by one of the grooms and I wasn't sure what to expect, so got ready, met the babe again and we headed out to the event. Again, I felt a surge of anxiety because I knew that a lot of their family members are active LDS and I wasn't sure what other things to expect but soon enough my fears were erased. The ceremony was beautiful and touching. They exchanged vows and I have to admit to feeling a tear or two; again, another pleasant "first" and I had nothing to be anxious about.

Today was father's day, I got texts and calls from several friends and family wishing me a Happy Father's day. Even the ex texted me, and I quote: "H F D" (hey that's the most she has talked to me in a couple of weeks!!) I spent the day with the kids grilling food, watching soccer and then we went on a drive for the afternoon--of course no drive is complete without first stopping at the convenience store for drinks and junk food!!! I love spending times like this with them, seems we just let go and enjoy the time we're spending together, no talk about separation, divorce, gayness--nothing just pure joy and happiness that we're able to be together. I hate that I have to drop them off at mom's--it tears my heart a little-- but I make a point to hug them and tell them how much I love them and it is one of the few times that I actually hear-- "love you too dad"...

So as my weekend draws to an end, I have nothing but feelings of gratefulness and feeling loved all around and yet I feel anxiety--I am not even sure why or what I am anxious about and this part bugs me. Why can't I just let it go? Why do I have to focus on the anxiety instead of all the amazing stuff that has happened to me in the last three days? Is it that I fear my bubble will suddenly burst? Is it that I just need to relax and thank God for his benevolence and blessings in some other way? Is there something that I'm missing and it is so obvious I can't even see past the end of my nose? I want to dwell on the good stuff and let go of the anxiety part and yet I'm not sure how, maybe I need to get back to the shrink... Any ideas from the peanut gallery?

Another (maybe not so significant) milestone

I had met with the babe for lunch yesterday and I must have had the stupidest grin on my face walking back into the office because one of my dear coworkers (who knew I was going to lunch and with whom) asked in front of my boss how was lunch? I said "it was great!!!!"

So my boss came over "to chat" and ask me about my life. Now we're not chummy friends or anything--well maybe we are now--but we're about the same age and have worked together for many years off and on as boss/subordinate functions. Anyway she said there's something going on with you and you just seem so happy, which is kind of unusual for someone just coming out from a divorce.

So I told her: "boss, I'm gay"

She said: "I know"

puzzled look on my face...

She said: "I've heard grapevine rumors, just didn't know if you felt comfortable telling me in person or not, but I wasn't going to push it, because it is a non-issue for me and you know that, besides I think you know we're past being just professional acquaintances when I told you I had a boob job a few weeks ago" ---she did, we happened to be at another co-worker's wedding and she just blurted it out!! :-)

I Said: "Thanks, I appreciate that, in my mind I knew I had to talk to you about it, I wasn't sure if as friends or as a subordinate--the latter one made me more nervous than anything, but I just wanted to find the right time. Thanks for understanding."

So we had a very good conversation about me, divorce, and my life and even the boyfriend--which is the reason she says I just glow of happiness. She assured me that as a manager she looks at my professional performance and has no worries but as a friend wants to make sure I'm happy. I knew our conversation when it happened would be just like that, but just felt that as soon as I told a manager it would not necessarily feel like something of mine and I'd be officially out at work; I didn't tell her to keep it under wraps or quiet--obviously others have been doing the job already--but again, in retrospect I am glad I had nothing to worry about and over and over my experiences coming out have been nothing but positive so far---who knows how I'll react when I get a not-so supportive one--but oh well, such is life!

New Templates: Like new furniture; yeah!

I have no constructive or earth-shattering post to write about here, just thought I'd mention that blogger has new templates and they're pretty cool. I had just redesigned my blog last week but it is cool to give it yet a new look.

This is kind of funny and ironic because I was planning to move to a smaller place at the end of this month in my mind to save some money but then decided that the hassle of moving and the craziness associated were not worth the money I was going to save, so I'm staying put. So instead of moving, I rearranged the furniture in my place giving it a new look. My mother used to rearrange the furniture in her house once about 3 months, I think I may have got that from her--sweet heavens--you should see the look in the face of my children when they walked in, kind of a "Oh no, he's done it again!" :-)

The boyfriend had a similar look, when he saw the end product, but I can really see the panic in his face as he says: "Oh you moved things again, looks good!" when he really means: "if ever live together, you're SO NOT DOING THIS TO OUR PLACE!!" LOL

Anyway

Overwhelmed for no reason?

I don't know if this happens to any other fellow Mohos but sometimes I get reading Fellow blogs and I get weighed down by their trials and struggles. I wish I could run & hug them, fix or make whatever is making them feel bad vanish--I realize that I can't do that in real life, but just can't help feel that way. Often times I find myself wiping tears off my eyes reading blogs and have to make myself stop reading, as I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Why is it that we tend to write more about struggles than we do about good milestones or just menial life stuff? (oh wait, that's what Facebook is for, right?) Is it that this kind of forum helps us vent our frustrations, secret fears and hopes while we put a good persona in the other social media? I know I do as much as I'd like to deny it.

How do you deal with the feelings of overwhelm?

How do you get the world off your shoulders?

How do you just focus on something else?

How do you let go?

How do you?

How?

PRIDE: Another check off my bucket list...

As I had mentioned yesterday-a year ago attending Pride would have been the last thing on my mind. Well yesterday I attended the festival during the evening and back again today. It was nice to run into people I knew, certainly made my nerves calm down and then running into a couple of people I didn't expect to find, but knew there was a chance: coworkers!!

The festival itself was good, booths with information everywhere--really not like any other festival if you overlook the few odd balls here and there. I met a couple of friends this morning for the parade and it was very nice, nothing in my mind that was way out there. Almost towards the end of the parade came PFLAG and I felt tears roll down my eyes. I hope that some of the members of my own family someday get to the same point of understanding and why not, even support, but all in good time I'm sure. Back to the festival I also noticed that most people were just normal, nothing too outlandish or crazy and it was nice to feel acceptance coming from all levels. Certainly a positive experience. I love people-watching so this was one of the best venues to get lots of that done!!

Pride...

Last year my shrink asked me if I was going to attend Pride. I immediately told her:

"No way in hell! Maybe next year, but we'll see!"

I've been preparing myself to go this year. I know there are a lot of people from work who go there and that is what had made me nervous, but this year I've made the decision I'm going. There'll be friends there and I figure that it'll be a new and exciting adventure. I'm ready to finally do it and soak it all in.

Can't wait!!!