Selfishness

I've been thinking about this word for a few days and wanted to write about it.

Selfishness is the act of placing one's needs or desires above the needs or desires of others. In church terms it is quite the opposite of love and charity.

Many people argue that claiming to be gay is only because of being selfish, only wanting what works and is best for me. Sure, the homo world may be full of people like that and it might give us a bad rap, but not everyone is like that.

Still, am I a selfish turd because in my efforts to be happy I chose to marry and have children?

Am I now selfish because I finally have come to realize that marriage (well at least the hetero-kind) doesn't work for me and want to move on and pursue whatever happiness might mean?

The last thing I want to be labeled of is being selfish. It took a lot of blood, sweat and tears to keep myself hidden and suppresed. I believe I am paying a very high price for being true to myself with yet more sweat, blood and tears; but I don't see any other way.

In the end I guess we all have to answer to a God that knows the true intentions of our hearts. I guess it is just one of those things...

Reaching out

I want to publicly thank those who have reached out to me by email, phone and Facebook messages over the last couple of days. I will never cease to be grateful to have stumbled on this online community and pledge to pay forward the kindness and help anyone who should ever need it...

I was mainly touched by all my brothers/sisters in-law who have been checking on me and invited me to a barbecue this afternoon (my kids and their mom went out of town for the long weekend) as soon as I got there all my nieces/nephews swarmed around me and everyone was so welcoming and loving, I almost lost it but was able to hold the tears from the love they showed me when they didn't even have to.

Got to love people's capacity for human decency & going above and beyond!

Sweet (and sour) 16

This is going to be a total self-pity post, so if this irks you, just click out of it now.

Today would have been the 16th wedding anniversary. As far as I remember I was taught that someday I was going to be married in the temple. There was no room for negotiation on that, I never even gave it a thought to being married anywhere else. I strongly believe that even if someone had pinned me down and asked me to consider how was being gay going to affect the rest of my life I would have likely not listened to them. This was going to happen because that is what I was supposed to do.

We used to celebrate the first few anniversaries by dropping the kids off with grandma or someone and going through the Temple. Many of those times we were asked to be the witness couple and afterwards we'd have a nice lunch or dinner somewhere. It felt good to go back to where we started, gave us somewhat of a renewed focus. The last two or three years have been difficult to celebrate--I'm sure we both thought--celebrate what? The fact that we have no connection? The fact that we've somehow made it this far without wanting to kill each other? One year we actually took the kids to Lagoon and decided it would just be a special family day, exchange a trinket or something and that was about it...is that even a marriage? Ever dread arriving to the day to pay the mortgage or student loans? That's how the anniversary date has felt the last couple of years and I hated myself for feeling that way.

Last year instead of hearing "Happy Anniversary" I heard the words: "You're such a patient man"....mmmmmmh, OK?!?! Maybe hearing all those clues is what made me decide we were on a boat destined to sink. I don't know. I certainly am aware of all the things I kept secret and suppressed for many years until I couldn't do it anymore. I can't help but feel like an utter failure because didn't do, say and fought for that marriage hard enough. I have to take and accept my share of the blame and even in this despair question whether my life is better now or was I better off or in a miserable marriage and existence because at like they say "misery loves company". I suppose eventually this date will feel just like any other date, but this first time around it just feels like a knife that keeps digging and digging, so I think I'm just going to indulge my self-pity just for today.

:-(

Tired...

I feel exhausted, physically/mentally/emotionally.

I was discussing with my therapist that I've always felt like I should be doing something, sort of always running around non-stop, maybe running from something or someone. Even when I'm on vacation I'm always running--need to see everything I can; World's biggest ball of yarn? seen it! I can't seem to feel comfortable just relaxing.

She asked if I might be running from myself---hu? I have to think about this for a while...

But in the meantime I'm just plain ol' tired

Thinking too much?
Processing too much?
Worrying too much?
Dealing with too much?

How do I make myself stop and smell the roses?--heck forget smelling the roses, just stop!

How do you make yourself just stop and rest? I don't seem to have the ability to do that.

Cooking for 1 sucks!

I've made an effort to cook at home. Don't get me wrong, I love to eat out as much as the next person, but I need to save money to pay off debts and I also need to keep an eye on my diabetes. The best way I have been able to control it is by not eating out and exercise, but that means I have to think of ways to cook for 1.

I actually like cooking. I'm not a gourmet cook or anything, but I can make good dishes. The problem is that I'm used to cooking for at least 4 people and nowadays cooking for 4 would actually cost me more than eating out and I'd have leftovers that would never get eaten, even by the dog! I've experimented having things like rice, pasta, vegetables and grilled chicken. Some are already frozen and some I keep in containers ready to be heated in the microwave oven. My version of soup and sandwich (Top Ramen + a ham sandwich!) is not too bad- especially when I don't want to spend a lot of time cooking and hey, no one can have enough frozen burritos and hot pockets handy and ready to eat!--yeah I know it isn't the best/healthier, but it still beats takeout! I've taken the stance that if it isn't in a box/can or frozen, I probably don't have much use for it, but I do like fresh fruits/vegetables whenever I can get my hands on them--hint to those who garden and get sick of zuccinni: I'll be happy to take whatever you want off your hands!

Sometimes my sister in law (ex-sister in law?) takes pity on me and sends food with the kids when they come to visit--that's nice, she is a great cook and just this week I've sent a full bag of empty containers--clean of course--back to her. I don't know, maybe I should just give her money to cook something everyday and forget about fuzzing with it all myself. One of my friends said he just cooks a bunch of potatoes and tops them with something different every day. I don't mind that, but potatoes everyday?!?!

Maybe I should start a co-op or something where every person who hates cooking for 1 takes turns making more and everyone stops by to get a portion or better yet--to sit and eat with another human being!! Maybe we should start a Moho cooking book with basic, quick and easy recipes that can be shared especially with those that don't live in close proximity, kind of a Moho version of "What's For Dinner". I don't know if anyone out there has any ideas to share?

Meeting the Mohos

This post is about 2 weeks into the making so it may sound more like old news.

I had been to Scott & Sarah's Moho party on 12/31, that time I was way nervous, almost didn't go in but it was a good experience meeting a few fellow Mohos and realizing it was ok. Out of my anxiety I believe I met a couple of the guys I had been emailing with, but didn't even realize it and I'm sure this made me look like a complete airhead. All in all it was a good experience, but I had not been able to make it back until June due to one thing or another

What the saying "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans"

Finally the stars aligned and I was able to return to meet the Mohos in June. I met a few new faces and saw some known ones. I felt much more comfortable and even stuck around longer than last time. As I observed (I'm a huge people watcher) interactions between people I have to admit that I felt a twinge of jealousy--I mean here I am, a middle-aged dad, still married, finally admitting to being gay--while they are mostly young, all very handsome guys; they feel comfortable in their skin, they know who they are and have full, exciting lives ahead of them...yeah I'm aware they also have their own challenges, but still, for a moment there I wished I could go back in time and be 21 again knowing what I know now. But then again, not all is lost for me, I wouldn't have the most wonderful children a father could ever hope to have, so I suppose it is all relative...

Still, what I can say about this experience is that I'm glad that these guys (and the one girl--I won't forget the 1 girl!) are young enough, smart enough and comfortable enough to avoid a lot of the pain and sorrow that I and other Moho's have experienced and feel nothing but admiration for them and I celebrate in their success and offer my support if they should ever need it (just make sure you get off my lawn!!!!--sticking my cane out to them, LOL). But in reality, silly as it sounds, I'm the one taking lessons on life from the young'uns in situations like that and I'm a better man because of it and again, feel grateful for Scott, Sarah and their adorable kids for providing this kind of venue for everyone like this.

This is what you wanted, right?

These kinds of posts are hard to write, I want to write as objectively as possible and avoid sounding like a completely selfish jerk but as anyone can probably tell, it ain't working...

We're getting close to being apart for 1 month.

I see her--my wife--should I start calling her my ex? :( --on average twice a week, when I pick up the kids and when I drop them off. The minute I start heading up towards their place I feel an anxiety attack coming--have have to literally control my breathing, distract myself somehow and tell myself it is going to be ok. There have been a couple of times that I've felt like turning around rather then dealing with it, but my time with the kids is limited so I'm not about to give up. I try to be civil and say hi and maybe make small conversation, but I hardly ever get so much as a hello. I took the kids to dinner on Thursday and got take out for her, I didn't get a thank you. I bought her a little knick knack when I went out of town and I barely got a 'meh' when I gave it to her. There have been times when I've sent the kids a good night text and include her in it, nothing back--I suppose it is better than getting anger shot back at me...

I want to show her that I still care about her and that I want us to remain friends. My therapist said I have to give her time and give her a break, I have probably let go of the marriage a long time ago and she needs time to grieve and process this all on her own--I suppose it is fair to say this is true. Still there's this twinge of hope at least for some form of civility that I am willing to show and I don't see anything in return. Maybe in time...There have been a couple of times that she has seen me in a sad mood and after exchanging a couple of words she'll say: "This is what you wanted, right?" I don't know if she says that to guilt me into anything or help me process something---I don't know how to answer that and it honestly it ends up pissing me off, but hey at least the sadness ends!!

Aside for a couple of things I did for myself, I had spent a good portion of 15+years trying to make things right by her, do what she liked, go where she wanted, do the activities she chose. Now that I don't have to do those things I honestly feel kind of lost and the hard part is knowing where to let go and where to find my own way without feeling/appearing like I don't care. Maybe I should have grown a spine (or a pair? LOL) earlier in the marriage and not ever develop myself into an emasculated twit, put my foot down on certain things, make it clear where I stood on others instead of giving in so much in an effort to hide my insecurities---oh well it is too late now.

-Part of me feels horribly sad that I failed at this marriage thing...it was never my intention to fail at it when I got married, even knowing the challenges I was facing then.

-Part of me feels excited to have been able to finally admit to myself who I am and be able to move on someday, in spite of the misery caused to everyone and knowing that someday things will get better--whatever getting better means.

As always, I have to say that this is just my side of the story, I'm sure if I were looking at it from the opposite end, I'd probably be experiencing/writing completely different things.--Alright, enough of my self-pity party!!! I am typically upbeat and positive about everything, I see the benefit of writing these kinds of posts and being able to read them in retrospect, but I will not dwell in this dark mood, life is too short and it is just not my nature.