Touched by an Angel...

Hey, not that kind of touching!! :)



I haven't posted in a bit. Too many things going around to even keep up, but I'm still here and I'm OK. I received a message yesterday from a fellow Moho blogger, just one of those "Hey, hope you're OK, holler if you need to talk" things that turned into a couple of hours of chat. He knows who he is, I don't think he'd like to be pointed out in the crowd (or maybe he would...better play it safe!) but honestly it could have been any of the guys whose blogs I read and identify with their challenges, struggles and difficulties...what an amazing community!!!



I can't believe how easy it was to open up to someone and talk so freely and openly with another person. I have a hard time dealing with the holidays, I typically am a very outgoing and positive person, but this time of the year just seems so suffocating that it does bring out the worst in me--can't figure that one out--anyway, talking to this person literally made my day and turned my attitude around. I am amazed by the level of love and generosity that I've received from this community and the full exercise of charity, concern and unconditional love. The only thing I can think that is honorable is to return the favor to others. I wish everyone of you a Merry Christmas whether you are with loved ones, friends or even if family means this online one; again, my heart is touched and feel privileged to be part of it.

Crossroads

I'd appreciate any help/advice anyone can possibly give me here....

I'm at a crossroads

My wife and I just had a 'conversation'. She tells me that she is seeing signs and she wants to know what's going on. I'm not ready to tell her anything. Issues have been coming up between us for a few months; we seem to be living in two different time zones and we've lost total touch of how the other feels completely. She says we don't do anything together; well, I've tried to ask her to do stuff but there's always something or other going on. We are consumed by work which is stressful, she is in school almost full time which adds to her stress and overall family and health issues, not to mention this holiday season which tends to put even bigger stresses on us.

I've told her that she seems to complain about everything, work (she has changed jobs about 5 times in the last 4 years, always something or other and she's certainly not happy in her current one), school (too much of a workload, too many credits) and life (she always tells everyone we have no money--which we don't have tons to throw away, but we do ok); we have no close friends, the only outside relationships for her are her family. I told her that in her complaining it does make it sounds as if I'm the root cause of all her problems with life and honestly 90% of the time I don't know how to approach her or talk. Lack of communication brings resentment, which causes yet more lack of communication and awareness about how the other one feels, overall assumptions which most of the time are wrong of course but then comes the resentment. I overheard her talk to someone the other day about a distant relative she ran into and mentioned how the last 15 years have certainly not been kind to either the relative or her...how's a guy supposed to feel about that? I have tried to help out in every other possible way, there's nothing in the house I won't do to help out with the kids, housework, cooking, laundry, you name it...

Here is the crux of the issue: lack of sex...it just isn't there. This has always been a problem for us--or is it for me? Sure we had our honeymoon period like other couples and once kids came into the marriage things changed. I certainly have my own issues and lately it is not just hard but impossible to connect at this level...I have my share of the responsibility, I know, but honestly I seriously wonder if by fixing this (if there is even such a thing as a magical fix to this and somehow manage to have a continuous, fulfilling sex life) would everything else get fixed too?

She asked me if there is such damage on each other by trying to keep whatever this is called (certainly not a marriage), is it even worth it trying to salvage it? I also realize that you guys are reading my side of the issue only, remember that. I struggle believing that by getting lucky once or twice a week, if such a thing could even happen would fix everything else, but hey, things may be more lost than salvageable anyway. Any advice or enlightenment would be appreciated...

Interpretations and Confessions

I remember the first time I ever heard this from my young man's president. We were sitting in priesthood and this must have been one of those uncomfortable, yet needed lessons to scare horny teenage boys out of their wits: The YM president said that masturbation lead to homosexuality. I also do remember several of the guys looking down at the floor with more than an embarrassed look in their faces. A couple of years later I discovered where this principle came from: I was reading portions of the Miracle of Forgiveness and ran into this...I don't know if anyone recommends this book as a resource to anyone, but I certainly hope not!

I also remember the first time I felt so overwhelmed that I just had to ask for advice. I was away from home in a student ward and nothing was making sense to me. I asked for an appointment with the bishop; I honestly could not piece anything in my life together and it was time to find some guidance. I'm sure it was a standard question for him and I had only been asked this once from my mission president and never again: He asked if I masturbated, but I figured as long as I was sharing confessions I would tell him of 'my problem': I told him that I felt attracted to guys. This must have taken every ounce of dignity out of me, because I sat there and bawled. Again, I'm pretty sure he had heard this before and must have had canned answers ready for every problem, because after a minute or so and without any other explanation told me that this would stop when I got married. I never went back to that ward again, I just couldn't bring myself to do it and found a family ward to attend and never ever brought it up with anyone at church again.

This was 1991...I really hope none of this non-sense is being taught in the church anymore. Now in retrospect, I still made my choices, I am really not trying to put blame on anyone here, I believe everyone probably did/does and gives the best possible advise advise when asked...

California's Proposition 8

I had not been able to articulate my feelings on California's Proposition 8 as of yet, but happened on this article while reading the SL Tribune's online edition. About 10+ years ago Robert Kirby became my own personal patron saint:

Robert Kirby: I don't care if gays get married

Robert Kirby
Tribune columnist

Article Last Updated: 10/24/2008 08:17:36 PM MDT

A couple of years ago, I wrote a column in which I announced my official position on gay marriage. Basically, I don't care.
Not only do I not care if gays get married, it is none of my business. As a flaming heterosexual, it's a full-time job for me just to keep my thoughts clean in church. I don't have the energy to fret about somebody else's libido.
The column must have resurfaced on the Internet. I'm getting mail again telling me what a failure I am as a Mormon because I'm not solidly behind Proposition 8. As I understand it, the California ballot item would prevent the domestication of homosexuals. Or something like that.
Here are just a few of the attempts to get me to see reason.
"Are you a member or not? Do you want gays to get married in the temple? Please follow the brotheren's [sic] council [sic] on Proposition 8. This is a important gospel principal [sic]." G., e-mail.
"No unclean thing can enter the house of the Lord. Gays are unclean because of the Scriptures. You have to be hot or cold about it or the Lord will spat you out." T., e-mail.
"Were you listening in church when the letter was read from the First Presidency about supporting proposition eight?" R.Y., e-mail.
"Get with Prop 8 or your [sic] a homo." Anonymous, letter.
Hard as it is to counter such brilliant logic, my position hasn't changed. The only serious concern I have about gays getting married is that they'll register someplace pricey.
The church is serious about the sanctity of marriage. I get that. But aren't more potentially "dangerous" marriages already being performed out there? For example, I hear in church all the time about marriage being ordained of God. But I also hear about how the glory of God is intelligence. Shouldn't it be against the law for stupid people to get married? What's more harmful to society - two well-dressed men getting married and settling down, or two idiots tying the knot and cranking out any number of additional idiots? You should have to pass a harder test to get married than the one we currently have. Essentially, there are but two questions: "How old are you?" and "Is that your sister?" Hell, you could pass this test just by guessing.

There are drawbacks. Most people get married when hormones and youth make them about as dumb as they'll ever be. So, even a relatively easy test would by default raise the age limit to about 40. With an increased marriage age limit, there would be fewer births. Genealogy would become easier to do. With fewer births, there would be fewer children born gay. Hey, isn't that what Heavenly Father would want? OK, I was just kidding about that. But if you're really serious about putting a stop to gay sex, let them get married.

Craziness

I haven't been able to post for a while...work is insane and many other every day things going on all at once. I've been working on a couple of postings, but they just don't seem to be anything that I would consider post-worthy.

I promise I will do better and get my act together here soon...it isn't like there aren't even any current events going on to discuss.

Life Cycles

Sometime in 1999 when the internet was barely making its way to everyone's home I had already been on it for a couple of years due to being in school completing my bachelor's degree. Even back then, it didn't take long to fin the world of sexual images and I had the perfect excuse for staying up late at night 'doing homework'. One of those times, my wife was searching for an online game or something and started typing on the URL address line and my settings were such that the auto-fill was on; several links came up that shocked the hell out of her and brought her to my 'secret' world. The next few months were filled with turmoil and uncertainty. She then told me that a lot of things made complete sense, but she had not tied all the pieces together then.

Somehow we made it out of that one...

About 5 years later (2004) we were living with her folks and saving money to get into a house. To say that stress was at a high time level is an understatement with work, family, extended family and myself now in graduate school. We had a family argument with someone (a sibling or something) and I was mighty upset. Unfortunately I had gone back to my old internet habits, but this time I had found some internet lists and had chatted with a few people online. While discussing 'coming out' with someone, he told me that I would decide to tell my wife basically when I didn't care about anything. Well, that argument made me not care about anything, so I had taken the kids to the movies and when we put them to bed I had a talk to her and dumped all my problems to her, which included gay porn and masturbation. I had read and heard horror stories about this situation and my biggest fear was how she was going to react to this revelation.

She must have had a ready script/rebuttal prepared for such an occasion, because she told me in less than 10 minutes that we were going to divorce, the kids would live with her and that we were basically done. Although we had agreed that we should not tell anyone what was going on, she ended up telling a few of her siblings in the next couple of days and she told the kids we were divorcing when I wasn't there to explain anything to them. I must have not slept for the next week or so but I moved out of her parent's house and got my own place within a week. I don't know what happened when she went from "we'll work things out" to "I'll never let you see the kids; you piece of #$@#". I was basically bowing to everything she would say and demand, as in her POV I had basically ruined her life. Those two weeks have been the most hellish and miserable of my life. I have never cried so much as when I did then. It was heart breaking to pick up the kids after school for a little bit, then have her take them with her and tell me how much they were suffering because of me. My son, was 10 years old at the time immediately assumed the role of her care-taker and my daughter was just confused-one time she asked me: "why don't you love mom anymore?"

A few days later reality must have set in when my wife told me she couldn't do it, she was sorry to kick me out and that we should work things out somehow. She'd come crying and begging not to do this to her and the kids. I was in shreds by then and told her that I would not move back to her parent's house, but they could move in to where I was living. I offered once and then twice. The last time I offered I told her that it would be the last time I asked her to do it and she accepted. I offered no assurances, but at least I had all of them back, especially my kids. I also had something of a coming out to my mother and a few of my siblings and I went to counseling for a few months during which time many things surfaced about my past, my relationship with my family and overall life, eventually things got better and we got back into our home lives, got into our home and life became 'normal'.

It has been over 4 years since that time. We are getting close to 5 years and for the life of me, I hope that the cycle is not about to repeat itself...

Male Relationships

No, not that kind of relationships! : )

I had a few therapy sessions a cuople of years ago. The therapist was very good; after I started out telling him why I was there he started asking me about childhood, growing up and life experiences in general. He then told me that I needed to talk and he was going to allow me to do it and go wherever I wanted. After a few sessions he didn't really have any earth-shattering news for me and aside from making a few self-realizations, I started questioning the point of the sessions (and paying that much money to talk to a stranger!).

Then he mentioned that in all the time I had talked I had hardly if ever mentioned friendships and/or relationships with men. He asked if I had friends, or at least one good friend I could go to and just be me. Then it hit me: I didn't.

I was a momma's boy since birth. I have two older sisters and lots of aunts and female cousins who looked after me like a porcelain doll (or so I'm told). I have a few older cousins on my mom's side that I idolized while growing up, but they were over 10 years older than I and doing their own thing. When I was about 5 years old my parents divorced and one of my sisters, myself and my brother went to live with my dad. My safety zone didn't just get crushed, it dissappeared altogether. My dad was a good guy and did a lot of things right and whatever he could to fulfill his role, but drove a truck all over the country so he wasn't really ever there himself. His mom was really the one in charge of us, as much as a working elderly person could. I was bullied by just about every other kid in school and my cousins on my dad's side. I was the sissy mama's boy filled with insecurities and anxieties that wanted nothing else in life but to fit in.

Long story short, when I was close to 12 years old my brother and I moved back with my mom and her new husband. By now they had 3 daughters of their own. Around this time we convert to the LDS church and this brought in a new set of opportunities for 'a new life and never go back' as my mother called it over and over again. The new dad is a good guy, he tries really hard, heck he even adopted my brother and I (still questioning the legality of this) and my dad passed away a couple of years after that from a massive heart attack--and as much respect I have for my step-dad, I honestly can't say that I was ever able to bond with him in any possible way. Puberty and the teenage years were interesting to say the least. I was able to develop a lot of skills, learn, do and accomplish a lot both in school and church--well not like I had a choice in church, but I suppose it was good for me and allowed me to learn to reach out to others and find meaningful roles in my life.

I have played the part of the older brother, the quorum president, the district/zone leader, the classmate, counselor, the mentor, the advisor and the supervisor. I have had friends both male and female, but they're really more acquaintances. I have lots of contacts on my phone and have what I would consider good friends, but not 1 friend that I could just call and say 'let's hang out'. I had good friends in junior high (Is that why I love Ferris Buehler's Day Off and Stand By Me is one of my all-time favorite movies?) I still don't have that 1 guy friend that we can go to a movie, a bike ride or just sit and watch TV and/or shoot darts (is that what friends do? LOL) . Why is that? Is it my subconscious self that doesn't allow me to have that type of friendships for fear that I'll fall in love with my friends? Is it really that hard to find a friend?

Confession time here, please bear with me: I've discovered places in town where guys go to 'meet other guys' and yes it is wrong of me to go there, but I can honestly say that I'm there to try to strike a conversation for friendship if nothing else--yeah I know what you may be thinking: "C'mon PL, give me a break!!!" Yeah, I'm looking for friendships in the wrong places and I admit that but I've been able to talk to a few guys that their intentions may be to look for action, but for some there is more to it than a good time, they're also looking to connect with someone going through the same thing...ok, I'll put my flame-retardant suit on now.

I'm starting to ramble again, so where does one find such friend?

Ramblings...

Please take them for what they are...

I have a few gay friends and acquaintances. The young ones seem to jump from relationship to relationship (is it fair to say bed-to-bed?) who knows if they'll ever slow down. I know of 1 gay couple-a coworker-who has been with his partner for over 10 years, both in their early 40's, they own a home and are very much committed to each other. The older ones are tired of jumping from bed to bed and want to settle in--one of them confessed that he is honestly looking to settle down with a partner, but in the meantime, has a few casual friends who he has fun with on an ongoing basis; the plan is that once he has a partner he'll put a stop on all the casuals.

sigh!

I know this isn't the same for everyone and I'm probably just generalizing. Bottom line for me is: It just doesn't look all that appealing!! Sure some of these guys come and go and are free to do as they please, some have exciting social and cultural lives, they answer to no one and perhaps the one thing I can respect is that they are true to themselves, yeah. But at the end of the day, once the friends and hook-ups are gone, they seem lonely...personally one of my biggest fears in life that goes beyond anything is loneliness and I just woudn't know how to deal with that...Not to say that being married to a woman is a bed of roses, it isn't; and I realize that there are no guarantees in life. Kids will someday be all grown and move out, who knows what will the future bring. Is there a point I am trying to make? Am I attracted to guys for companionship, which is in no way certain, or is it the mere idea of the gay lifestyle? Does the idea of throwing it all away worth trying to be like that 1 couple among many who seems happy and content with a partner? Is it fair to say I don't even know if I want that?

Again, I am not trying to bash my very dear gay friends, sure some aspects of their lives seem great and appealing, but some others not so much. What does that say about straight relationships? How many people are genuinely happy? I have to admit that I don't know of a perfect marriage, is there even such a thing? I guess I have to start close to home: my parents? well my mom in on her 3rd marriage to my step-dad. My inlaws? I love them dearly but I hardly think of them as examples. Some of my siblings and in-laws are divorced, some are in good relationships, I woudn't dare say they're 100% happy and I may not hear much about their adventures. I know some work very hard at their relationships, but would I dare say that some of them might have the promiscous gene in them as well? I suppose at the end of the day when we have made our choices and have learned to live with them the last thing I should learn to do is contemplate if my choices are made because someone expected me to do them or if I genuinely wanted to.

If you've haven't fallen asleep or are bored out of your mind by reading this, please let me know what you think...I warned you, I'm just rambling!

About 9 years ago...

I heard from a friend that had been in and out of contact for a few years. We'll name him Hank. This was one of my old friends from back when we were all in the young adult group. He literally appeared out of nowhere and joined the group. We had a lot of great activities and drew a lot of people from everywhere. Hank dated a couple of girls from the group off and on and he was even engaged to one of them, but the wedding was called off a couple of months before they got married. Shortly after that Hank moved in with another member of the group and they were roommates. Grapevine rumors had it that the guy that let Hank move in with him had fallen in love with him--but they weren't really in a romantic relationship-- and there were apparently a few others in the group who liked/loved him enough too--again, all rumors, never enough to be substantiated. I never gave much thought to any of that. Most of us either moved, married and a couple of them came out of the closet--including the guy who had let Hank move in with him! Hank remained a friend of our family; he went on a couple of trips with us, always nice and very respectfull and friendly. My mother actually wanted one of my sisters to date him : )

Well, back to about 9 years ago Hank came back into our lives, this time as an all-out gay man. He told us he had finally decided to live as a gay man and if there was a problem, then he would be sorry not to be part of our lives or the other way around. I know that his concerns were mainly because of any judgement we may have had for him due to the church, but by then we had been out for a year or two. We told Hank that he was more than welcome in our lives/home and we had no ill feelings for him. He introduced us to his then partner and things were alright. I started talking to him by email and he first shocked me by saying that back in our young adult days in the midst of all the love sharing by some of the guys in the group "people had talked about me". I asked him what he meant by that? He said that some people had talked that was all and things were dropped, the conversation ended.

A couple of months later, all of the sudden Hank emails me again and asks how is life as a married man with children? Seems his 'biological' clock had been ticking and he had actually considered getting married, possibly father a child, but didn't know how it all might roll out with it being gay and all? I suppose I dug deeper and asked why he was asking me all these things? He just assumed that I knew that he knew about me being gay!! To him it was just one of those matter of fact things that he didn't even need to ask if I was, or if I was out. He just knew. I met with him for lunch one day and Hank was probably the first person I was able to admit face to face about it, but asked him to please, please be extremely discreet because my wife/family was not aware of any of this. As far as I can tell, he has kept his end of the bargain.

Why am I writing this now? Well, I wonder if people really knew or at least had enough sense to get the fact that a bunch of the popular, friendly RMs from back then were actually a bunch of gay guys? Granted, this wasn't all of the young adult males but certainly a good number that stood out from the rest! If people talked about me being gay, why on earth did anyone not sit me down and asked me if I had ever considered this before getting married? Maybe it was the inmaturity of it all; I'm certain that having been in the church and active everyone figured either I'd outgrow it, get married and move on? I'm not trying to blame anyone by this--not at all because I ended up making my own decisions. I certainly hope this is still not going on in the present-day in the church.

I haven't talked to Hank in a long time, I really don't know why his name came to my mind all of the sudden. Maybe I just need to email him again...

Please remind me...

Not to look at some fellow Mo-Ho video blogs at work!!

LOL

Am I, or am I not?

So am I even considered a "moho"?

I've been touched by the surgence of blogs and entries of people who have dealt with the same issues I do. I admire the young kids who have had enough sense to discover who they are early on and all that it entails than to just marry and hope their life will magically be fixed. I sincerely admire those who have married tried to live the hetero lifestyle and found that it just doesn't work for them. It takes balls to face it and fix it, even with all the devastation and pain that comes with it. I especially respect and honor those who have figured out who they are and are in the process of working their lives out, some have come out to themselves and their spouses; some have at least recognized who they are and are still trying to figure out if anything at all needs to be done.

In my particular case; the side of where the LDS church comes into play is that I was raised a good Mormon kid. I grew up with the standard LDS accomplishments, quorum presidencies, mission, temple marriage, leadership positions (been there, done that, I'm sure I still have a T-shirt somewhere) it until a few years back, when I left the church with my family for other reasons, yet deep down I know this is one of the reasons I may have left the church in itself. So how do we categorize a non-practicing married mormon who has no idea where to go and what to do? Wow, maybe I over-analyze things too much...

First Post

So did you hear the news?

Turns out I'm gay...

Wow, it feels good to let it out in a weird public-yet-not so public kind of way. I don't really know what it really means to me, family or anyone that comes in touch with me on a daily basis. I chose the title Public Loneliness because that is exactly how I feel. My entire life has been a successful show of abilities, successes, friends and many things accomplished and yet I have a huge void of loneliness in my heart.

I guess I'll be exploring all of this in more detail in this blog, most of the parameters I have not determined, so we'll see...if you're reading this, thanks for stopping by.