I'd appreciate any help/advice anyone can possibly give me here....
I'm at a crossroads
My wife and I just had a 'conversation'. She tells me that she is seeing signs and she wants to know what's going on. I'm not ready to tell her anything. Issues have been coming up between us for a few months; we seem to be living in two different time zones and we've lost total touch of how the other feels completely. She says we don't do anything together; well, I've tried to ask her to do stuff but there's always something or other going on. We are consumed by work which is stressful, she is in school almost full time which adds to her stress and overall family and health issues, not to mention this holiday season which tends to put even bigger stresses on us.
I've told her that she seems to complain about everything, work (she has changed jobs about 5 times in the last 4 years, always something or other and she's certainly not happy in her current one), school (too much of a workload, too many credits) and life (she always tells everyone we have no money--which we don't have tons to throw away, but we do ok); we have no close friends, the only outside relationships for her are her family. I told her that in her complaining it does make it sounds as if I'm the root cause of all her problems with life and honestly 90% of the time I don't know how to approach her or talk. Lack of communication brings resentment, which causes yet more lack of communication and awareness about how the other one feels, overall assumptions which most of the time are wrong of course but then comes the resentment. I overheard her talk to someone the other day about a distant relative she ran into and mentioned how the last 15 years have certainly not been kind to either the relative or her...how's a guy supposed to feel about that? I have tried to help out in every other possible way, there's nothing in the house I won't do to help out with the kids, housework, cooking, laundry, you name it...
Here is the crux of the issue: lack of sex...it just isn't there. This has always been a problem for us--or is it for me? Sure we had our honeymoon period like other couples and once kids came into the marriage things changed. I certainly have my own issues and lately it is not just hard but impossible to connect at this level...I have my share of the responsibility, I know, but honestly I seriously wonder if by fixing this (if there is even such a thing as a magical fix to this and somehow manage to have a continuous, fulfilling sex life) would everything else get fixed too?
She asked me if there is such damage on each other by trying to keep whatever this is called (certainly not a marriage), is it even worth it trying to salvage it? I also realize that you guys are reading my side of the issue only, remember that. I struggle believing that by getting lucky once or twice a week, if such a thing could even happen would fix everything else, but hey, things may be more lost than salvageable anyway. Any advice or enlightenment would be appreciated...
I apologize for not knowing your particular situation. What signs is she seeing? What is it you are not ready to talk to her about? Does she know you are gay?
ReplyDeleteSexual intimacy in a mixed orientation marriage is a problem. I wish I knew what to tell you - I wish I knew what to tell myself. But, sex is not a magic solution to other martial problems. At best, it will be a band-aid - at worst it could mask other underlying issues in your relationship.
I certainly understand how you feel. There are times when it seems we are more like roommates than a married couple. But, other times it feels like we are a husband and wife.
Please feel free to email me directly if there is anything you would like to discuss that you are not comfortable addressing in a public blog.
hey Abelard! The signs seem to be the ongoing distancing from her. I'm not ready to discuss is my gayness, yes. I've been thinking maybe it is time to deal with it, but past attempts have turned ugly to be honest.
ReplyDeleteHey, PL, sorry you're having such a hard time right now.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Abelard--sex isn't going to magically fix everything. It sounds to me like the biggest issue is lack of communication, or inability to communicate. Neither of you is able to tell the other person what you want/need, so you both end up frustrated.
Is counseling/therapy an option? Just to sort of teach you how to talk to each other (and listen to each other) and get you started so that you can work things out? Just a suggestion.
Personally, I can't imagine not being out to my wife, but I know that some people seem to be able to make it work, at least to some degree or another.
If I had any advice at all, it would be to schedule some "talk" time, and to lay down some specific rules as to what's allowed and what isn't. Maybe you each get a certain number of minutes to explain how you're feeling, during which the other person is not allowed to interrupt. Maybe you agree that you will both do your best to take everything that is said as constructive rather than critical. Whatever you decide will work best for you, make some rules and stick to them.
Eventually, it will get easier. Sarah and I have gotten a lot better at talking with each other and being honest with each other without taking offense at what the other person says. We used to both hear almost everything as a criticism. Now we understand that very little that the other person says is intended to be critical, so it's easier to listen without getting hurt.
Is the marriage worth saving? That's up to the two of you. I'd say if you have younger children, the answer would be a resounding "probably". If your kids are teens or older, their needs might not be quite as important to consider (but still would be an issue).
Good luck, and I'll echo Abelard's offer to be available via private email if you need to talk. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.
PL, I can only speak from my own experience, which may be different than yours. I can relate to the lack of communication issue and how that has affected our marriage.
ReplyDeleteIt has been me that has always been clammed up and uncommunicative. At first I didn't think she was strong enough to handle my problems and felt that I had to bear the cross alone, be the strong one in the relationship. Then it became a matter of not wanting her to know that I had done things that would let her down. Then I didn't want to share my doubts about the church with her.
It was not until I came to my own crossroads as I posted in my blog that I decided that I either had to make the marriage work or get out of it. We never had a bad marriage, but I was living a double life. I decided to open up completely to her. It has made all the difference.
We can speak honestly and openly for the first time in 23 years and it feels wonderful. She is the strong one in our relationship. Knowing what I have have dealt with all these years helps her to understand why I did some of the things I did. It gave her new perspective into the life of her husband.
Intimacy is very important. Our relationship is not the norm for married couples, but it works for us and has over time gotten better. We enjoy each other physically and it is bonding.
Bravone
Thank you Abe, Scott and Braveone for your advice, thoughts and well wishes, I have lots to think about. I will get some updates as I am able.
ReplyDeletePL: Now may not be the best time for me to add my two cents, because I'm in a similar predicament. I know, however, that I must talk to her and be more open with her. She was strong enough to take the revelation that I was gay - it wsa hard, but she came through it and still loved me and we survived. Since then, other issues come up and she doesn't want to deal with them and I get offended and remove myself from her and her feelings and withdraw. When I clam up, I withdraw from her, also sexually, and that aggravates the whole situation.
ReplyDeleteI feel like a smoking father telling his son not to smoke... but don't do what I've done.