No, not that kind of relationships! : )
I had a few therapy sessions a cuople of years ago. The therapist was very good; after I started out telling him why I was there he started asking me about childhood, growing up and life experiences in general. He then told me that I needed to talk and he was going to allow me to do it and go wherever I wanted. After a few sessions he didn't really have any earth-shattering news for me and aside from making a few self-realizations, I started questioning the point of the sessions (and paying that much money to talk to a stranger!).
Then he mentioned that in all the time I had talked I had hardly if ever mentioned friendships and/or relationships with men. He asked if I had friends, or at least one good friend I could go to and just be me. Then it hit me: I didn't.
I was a momma's boy since birth. I have two older sisters and lots of aunts and female cousins who looked after me like a porcelain doll (or so I'm told). I have a few older cousins on my mom's side that I idolized while growing up, but they were over 10 years older than I and doing their own thing. When I was about 5 years old my parents divorced and one of my sisters, myself and my brother went to live with my dad. My safety zone didn't just get crushed, it dissappeared altogether. My dad was a good guy and did a lot of things right and whatever he could to fulfill his role, but drove a truck all over the country so he wasn't really ever there himself. His mom was really the one in charge of us, as much as a working elderly person could. I was bullied by just about every other kid in school and my cousins on my dad's side. I was the sissy mama's boy filled with insecurities and anxieties that wanted nothing else in life but to fit in.
Long story short, when I was close to 12 years old my brother and I moved back with my mom and her new husband. By now they had 3 daughters of their own. Around this time we convert to the LDS church and this brought in a new set of opportunities for 'a new life and never go back' as my mother called it over and over again. The new dad is a good guy, he tries really hard, heck he even adopted my brother and I (still questioning the legality of this) and my dad passed away a couple of years after that from a massive heart attack--and as much respect I have for my step-dad, I honestly can't say that I was ever able to bond with him in any possible way. Puberty and the teenage years were interesting to say the least. I was able to develop a lot of skills, learn, do and accomplish a lot both in school and church--well not like I had a choice in church, but I suppose it was good for me and allowed me to learn to reach out to others and find meaningful roles in my life.
I have played the part of the older brother, the quorum president, the district/zone leader, the classmate, counselor, the mentor, the advisor and the supervisor. I have had friends both male and female, but they're really more acquaintances. I have lots of contacts on my phone and have what I would consider good friends, but not 1 friend that I could just call and say 'let's hang out'. I had good friends in junior high (Is that why I love Ferris Buehler's Day Off and Stand By Me is one of my all-time favorite movies?) I still don't have that 1 guy friend that we can go to a movie, a bike ride or just sit and watch TV and/or shoot darts (is that what friends do? LOL) . Why is that? Is it my subconscious self that doesn't allow me to have that type of friendships for fear that I'll fall in love with my friends? Is it really that hard to find a friend?
Confession time here, please bear with me: I've discovered places in town where guys go to 'meet other guys' and yes it is wrong of me to go there, but I can honestly say that I'm there to try to strike a conversation for friendship if nothing else--yeah I know what you may be thinking: "C'mon PL, give me a break!!!" Yeah, I'm looking for friendships in the wrong places and I admit that but I've been able to talk to a few guys that their intentions may be to look for action, but for some there is more to it than a good time, they're also looking to connect with someone going through the same thing...ok, I'll put my flame-retardant suit on now.
I'm starting to ramble again, so where does one find such friend?
this is a recurrent subject in moho blogs, dunno just why, but many of us feel the same.
ReplyDeletedo we subconsciously avoid male friendships fearing subsequent sexual tension?
a couple of years ago an Ensign article on same sex attraction advised us to seek male friends. as role models? to prove that not all male friends have a sexual component?
blogging is okay but i would really like to find someone to talk with in person about these issues. i make pitiful openings without any response.
i have two friends in college that i maintain strong relationships with, they they don't live close. i'm sure they would both keep confidences, but they wouldn't understand.
so i'm sort of thinking it ain't going to happen. too bad.
I have male work associates and male clients. I have male church associates and priesthood leaders. I have one high school buddy who lives far away. I have blogging friends and yet, even they are far and few between in day-to-day living.
ReplyDeleteMy closest male relationships have been with guys half my age who see me more as an older brother or buddy, a mentor and advisor and counselor to them as they branch out into adulthood. They have been wonderful and really meaningful friendship that will last a lifetime - but alas, they are moving on in their lives, into marriages and families of their own.
And here I am, sitting in my basement, just as I did as a kid, wondering like santorio if it really is ever going to happen.
First, some of the stuff I'm about to say is Homo 101 so I apologize in advance if you already know it.
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming you are not out of the closet or just out to a select few.
If I was a straight guy and alone, I wouldn't go to a bar to find a girlfriend or even a girl to be friends with.
Unfortunately, most places where gay guys hang out are sexually charged like straight bars.
So where can a nice gay guy go to meet other nice gay guys willing to take the time to get to know you?
My guess is that most places gay men frequent consist primarily of closeted men and it is going to be real hit and miss.
That's because a lot of closeted gay guys are in survival mode. They venture into the gay community only long enough to get their sexual fix then they're gone.
In other words, all they have time for is their fix. Friendships and relationships requires being out to others and these guys are not ready for that. Friendships and relationships require time. Something these guys can't or won't give to someone in the gay world.
But it's always possible that you will meet that one guy that just wants to talk or wants to talk after and a friendship is born.
So where can a nice gay guy go to meet nice guys that are more open and therefore have more time to develop friendships and relationships?
The answer is you got to be creative.
Your best bet is align your search with an interest. That way if the search comes up empty you still enjoy the time spent.
If you live near a middle to large-size city then check the phone book to see if there is a gay and lesbian switchboard. Call them to find out what resources are available in your area.
If not, try to get a hold of the local gay rag to find out what resources are available in your area. Often the resource page is in the back.
If there is a liberal college or university in your area then find out if they have a coming out discussion group. If you are not college age then ask if there are any coming out discussion groups for older adults.
If there is a theatre group in your area and you are into theatre then you might want to try there.
If you know any liberal organizations in your area then you might want to try there.
If you know of any "gay-positive" organizations then you might want to try there especially if it's a mixed crowd made up of mostly straights.
If there is a liberal poltician running for office or a gay charitable organization looking for volunteers then you might want to try there.
If there is an open and affirming Church especially if most of the members are straight then you might want to try there.
But if your options are limited (small town with just one gay gathering place, for instance) then you have to make do with what you have.
Or if you willing to come out somewhat then you can try starting a group of your own. I did that when I moved to Phoenix. I started a gay fathers group.
I wish I had a better answer.
Regards,
Philip
Looking back on my short life, I have been luck enough that I've had a string of close male friends over the years. Although at the moment I'm kind of struggling a bit. Right now I have a guy friend from Church who is reaching out to be friends on a deeper level. I too want to be a more meaningful friend to him. But I'm having troubles cementing that friendship.
ReplyDeleteI think how we got to where we are is that I simply reached out to him and offered my friendship. And I did meaningful acts of service for him, that I know he appreciated. Recently he said to me that I'm one of the nicest people he knows. And now he gives me hugs when he sees me.