Well, here I am...
One foot in front of the other, breathe in, breathe out, one day at a time, one sleepless hour at a time...
Is it possible to hurt this much and know that everything is going to be alright someday?
Do I stay with my wife, even though we're so far removed from each other there's no emotional connection (forget the physical one, that train left the station long ago...) ?
I see my children's faces, they know something is up, they see us talking, crying and it breaks my heart. I don't doubt I have to tell them what's going on. I know they'll be OK but how can I make this a hurt as little as possible, because hurt it will....I'm sure
more to come...
Monday, April 27, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
It happened: The Conversation
My last post was an attempt to reach out to other men who might be in the same boat but may not speak English, but who knows...there are no Latin gay men, right? wink, wink...
Anyway, I want to let you all fellow mohos know that my wife and I have had the conversation of where we're going. She had been recuperating from surgery recently and had a lot of down time to rest and think about our lives and she confronted me today. Without much detail I'm here to tell you I was honest with her, it is time to deal with it and admitted that although I've tried otherwise, I'm gay, that is not going to change.
As far as a mixed-marriage life, well that is probably not going to happen. I think many things have been said/done to feel any kind of connection in many levels. What happens from here? well, I don't know. We re in a cross-roads situation where really anything is possible, so I might be updating my experiences here, who knows maybe not....I'm kind of an emotional wreck right now, so I suppose the only thing I can ask is that if you pray, please keep my family in your prayers, if you light candles or send cosmic karma, send some our way, we're going to need it.
Anyway, I want to let you all fellow mohos know that my wife and I have had the conversation of where we're going. She had been recuperating from surgery recently and had a lot of down time to rest and think about our lives and she confronted me today. Without much detail I'm here to tell you I was honest with her, it is time to deal with it and admitted that although I've tried otherwise, I'm gay, that is not going to change.
As far as a mixed-marriage life, well that is probably not going to happen. I think many things have been said/done to feel any kind of connection in many levels. What happens from here? well, I don't know. We re in a cross-roads situation where really anything is possible, so I might be updating my experiences here, who knows maybe not....I'm kind of an emotional wreck right now, so I suppose the only thing I can ask is that if you pray, please keep my family in your prayers, if you light candles or send cosmic karma, send some our way, we're going to need it.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Mormon, Casado y Gay
No se si haya alguien mas por ahi en esta situación, pero las estadisticas que yo conozco indican que si hay mas personas como yo.
Si hay alguien por ahi en el mundo cibernetico que está en esta situación, solo quiero que sepan lo siguiente:
No estas solo
El nombre de mi pagina es Soledad Pública. A grandes razgos soy un hombre normal, a simple vista soy como cualquier otra persona, tengo un buen trabajo, una buena familia que me ama y los amo con todo mi corazón, una casa, amigos, una buena vida con muchos logros pero hay una parte de mi que me come vivo: Me gustan los hombres. Mi soledad pública se basa en mis experiencias personales, como a pesar de ser un miembro activo y contribuyente a la sociedad siempre me he sentido solo unque este en medio de un mar de gente.
Siempre ha sido asi, siempre he estado atraido aun desde pequeño aun antes de que mi familia se convirtiera a la iglesia Mormona. Desde muy temprano aprendi que la homosexualidad era una abominacion y pecado grave. Mis padres tenian, leian y recomendaban a todos que leyeramos "El Milagro del Perdon". No creo que haya otro libro en mi vida que ha traido mas ansiedad, estress y que me haya hecho sentir que no valia yo nada. Sin embargo crecí, participé activamente en todos tipos de presidencias de hombres jovenes, me gradué de seminario, recuerdo que aun en las clases de hombres jovenes los lideres enseñaban que la masturbación causaba la homosexualidad y eso no me ayudaba de nada, si no al contrario me hacia sentir el ser mas bajo, mas indigno y mas sucio. Lo que no sabia (¿entendia?) en ese entonces es que todos mis demas compañeros de clase tambien lo hacian y ahora entiendo que es algo normal de todos los hombres, sin embargo, hasta donde yo sabia, ellos no tenian el mismo problema que yo.
Fui a la misión, regresé y fui relevado honorablemente como se esperaba de mi. Me casé en el Templo y empezé a formar una familia y trabajé en la Iglesia en casi cada llamamiento que es posible que haga un hombre hasta ser consejero de obispo. Parte de mi esfuerzo y fidelidad siempre se enfocaban en la suplica de que si tan solo fuera miembro fiel quizas se me quitaría este pesar tan grande de mi...pero eso nunca sucedió. Un dia me dije a mi mismo que esto nunca se iba a resolver, que soy asi y no van a cambiar las cosas y me empezé a aceptar a mi mismo.
He conocido otros hombres en mi situacion y descubrí algo maravilloso: ¡Tampoco estoy solo!! Estos hombres tambien son Mormones, exmisioneros, solteros, otros casados igual que yo. Algunos han tenido aventuras infieles, otros lo deseamos como el querer saciar una sed en el desierto. Algunos siguen tratando de vencer este "Goliath" mientras mantienen su membresia en la iglesia y su familia intacta. Algunos han sido valientes y han revelado su situacion a sus esposas y sus familias. Algunos han tenido que aceptar las consecuencias de sus acciones, y aun el rechazo de sus familias, seres queridos y de su religión a la cual han dedicado su vida entera, pero siguen adelante con sus tribulaciones y logros...
En fin, si te encuentras en las mismas y quieres platicar con alguien que ha pasado por las misma situacion, que tiene los mismos pesares, mandame un correo electronico a publicloneliness@gmail.com no creo que tengo alguna respuesta clara, ni ningun antidoto mágico para resolver la situación, pero al menos puedes contar con alguien que ha handado en el mismo camino...
Si hay alguien por ahi en el mundo cibernetico que está en esta situación, solo quiero que sepan lo siguiente:
No estas solo
El nombre de mi pagina es Soledad Pública. A grandes razgos soy un hombre normal, a simple vista soy como cualquier otra persona, tengo un buen trabajo, una buena familia que me ama y los amo con todo mi corazón, una casa, amigos, una buena vida con muchos logros pero hay una parte de mi que me come vivo: Me gustan los hombres. Mi soledad pública se basa en mis experiencias personales, como a pesar de ser un miembro activo y contribuyente a la sociedad siempre me he sentido solo unque este en medio de un mar de gente.
Siempre ha sido asi, siempre he estado atraido aun desde pequeño aun antes de que mi familia se convirtiera a la iglesia Mormona. Desde muy temprano aprendi que la homosexualidad era una abominacion y pecado grave. Mis padres tenian, leian y recomendaban a todos que leyeramos "El Milagro del Perdon". No creo que haya otro libro en mi vida que ha traido mas ansiedad, estress y que me haya hecho sentir que no valia yo nada. Sin embargo crecí, participé activamente en todos tipos de presidencias de hombres jovenes, me gradué de seminario, recuerdo que aun en las clases de hombres jovenes los lideres enseñaban que la masturbación causaba la homosexualidad y eso no me ayudaba de nada, si no al contrario me hacia sentir el ser mas bajo, mas indigno y mas sucio. Lo que no sabia (¿entendia?) en ese entonces es que todos mis demas compañeros de clase tambien lo hacian y ahora entiendo que es algo normal de todos los hombres, sin embargo, hasta donde yo sabia, ellos no tenian el mismo problema que yo.
Fui a la misión, regresé y fui relevado honorablemente como se esperaba de mi. Me casé en el Templo y empezé a formar una familia y trabajé en la Iglesia en casi cada llamamiento que es posible que haga un hombre hasta ser consejero de obispo. Parte de mi esfuerzo y fidelidad siempre se enfocaban en la suplica de que si tan solo fuera miembro fiel quizas se me quitaría este pesar tan grande de mi...pero eso nunca sucedió. Un dia me dije a mi mismo que esto nunca se iba a resolver, que soy asi y no van a cambiar las cosas y me empezé a aceptar a mi mismo.
He conocido otros hombres en mi situacion y descubrí algo maravilloso: ¡Tampoco estoy solo!! Estos hombres tambien son Mormones, exmisioneros, solteros, otros casados igual que yo. Algunos han tenido aventuras infieles, otros lo deseamos como el querer saciar una sed en el desierto. Algunos siguen tratando de vencer este "Goliath" mientras mantienen su membresia en la iglesia y su familia intacta. Algunos han sido valientes y han revelado su situacion a sus esposas y sus familias. Algunos han tenido que aceptar las consecuencias de sus acciones, y aun el rechazo de sus familias, seres queridos y de su religión a la cual han dedicado su vida entera, pero siguen adelante con sus tribulaciones y logros...
En fin, si te encuentras en las mismas y quieres platicar con alguien que ha pasado por las misma situacion, que tiene los mismos pesares, mandame un correo electronico a publicloneliness@gmail.com no creo que tengo alguna respuesta clara, ni ningun antidoto mágico para resolver la situación, pero al menos puedes contar con alguien que ha handado en el mismo camino...
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Musings
Sorry I have been out of the Moho blogsphere, my mind has been in a lot of other things, most of them related to work and family--(darn it having to make a living and spend time on relationships, they severely cut into my blogging and keeping track of friends : ) ).
I've been thinking about a couple of possible postings, but to be honest none of them are real revelations and/or insights that I haven't already read on other blogs. I was telling someone who emailed me that it all started to feel better once I settled on the knowledge that being gay was never going to go away and I had to find ways to accept it, deal with it and live with it in spite of years of trying to be the most faithful and worthy member of the LDS church, taking on callings, attending the Temple regularly, praying--pleading to God to take it away from me. If anyone can imagine just how long it has taken me to barely even admit to being gay--I don't like to call it SSA or Same-Gender Attraction, it is what it is and weird as it may sound it really isn't about sex...
But then again, what is it about?
Is it about building good/solid relationships with men--heck and why not even women? Is it about admiring a good-looking man in the street and have lustful feelings? Is it about the world of fantasy and how I might interpret a gay relationship? Is it about being a fervent advocate of equal rights for everyone regardless of their differences? Is it about feeling comfortable in my own skin and not be afraid of what others might think? I guess one of my tasks now is to find what it all means to me...
And yet the only area that I see it being a conflict is where it comes to my family (wife and children)--yeah I have made my choices, I have made promises that honestly there are days when I wonder my state of mind when I made them. Any other area of my life I would have known how to fix it or do something about it, except this one...I wonder if my life will always be like this--not that it is a complete disaster and it isn't depressing by any means, but I see this as one of those things that has a no win-win situation and it eats me inside...
See? I like I said, no new revelations...
I've been thinking about a couple of possible postings, but to be honest none of them are real revelations and/or insights that I haven't already read on other blogs. I was telling someone who emailed me that it all started to feel better once I settled on the knowledge that being gay was never going to go away and I had to find ways to accept it, deal with it and live with it in spite of years of trying to be the most faithful and worthy member of the LDS church, taking on callings, attending the Temple regularly, praying--pleading to God to take it away from me. If anyone can imagine just how long it has taken me to barely even admit to being gay--I don't like to call it SSA or Same-Gender Attraction, it is what it is and weird as it may sound it really isn't about sex...
But then again, what is it about?
Is it about building good/solid relationships with men--heck and why not even women? Is it about admiring a good-looking man in the street and have lustful feelings? Is it about the world of fantasy and how I might interpret a gay relationship? Is it about being a fervent advocate of equal rights for everyone regardless of their differences? Is it about feeling comfortable in my own skin and not be afraid of what others might think? I guess one of my tasks now is to find what it all means to me...
And yet the only area that I see it being a conflict is where it comes to my family (wife and children)--yeah I have made my choices, I have made promises that honestly there are days when I wonder my state of mind when I made them. Any other area of my life I would have known how to fix it or do something about it, except this one...I wonder if my life will always be like this--not that it is a complete disaster and it isn't depressing by any means, but I see this as one of those things that has a no win-win situation and it eats me inside...
See? I like I said, no new revelations...
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Update on my so called life...
I haven't really made any decisions about my life.
My wife is in the middle of a medical treatment for a couple of different ailments. Right now the focus is on getting her better, getting her health back to as normal as I can before I can deal with anything else. I guess this gives a true meaning to "in sickness and in health"...
Not to say that I don't think about how to deal with my situation. There are things that keep me awake at night:
1. Last time I tried to come out to my wife it was a complete disaster. How may it go this time around? I was ordered to move out and was threatened pretty much to forget about having anything to do with my kids--even though I was initially told it would all be solved amicably.
2. Do I come out to my kids? I'm sure it wouldn't be a total shock to them, but how would they take it/how would it affect them?
3. Family? Last time I talked to my mother about this and she took it as a green light to deal with her own demons (none of which had anything to do with me). My dad felt that he failed me as a father...sigh!
4. If it gets to a point that we separate (or try again), how will we live? two houses--how in the world can we afford that? Kids aren't as little anymore--but I'm sure they would be affected seriously.
5. If for some miraculous reason my wife accepts me, would she accept being in a mixed marriage? One time she actually told me that she could work on any kind of problem, except for the gay thing---
Well, don't want to bore anyone with my boring life. I was able to attend the Moho party on the 31st at Dichotomy's house, even if it was for a short time (by the time I left it was just starting to get under way) but met a few amazing people there, it was nice to be able to talk to others freely, no judgment and feel nothing but acceptance, love and offers of unconditional support. I only wish I could have stayed there longer, but I was told that there will be other opportunities. Well, here's to a new year!!
My wife is in the middle of a medical treatment for a couple of different ailments. Right now the focus is on getting her better, getting her health back to as normal as I can before I can deal with anything else. I guess this gives a true meaning to "in sickness and in health"...
Not to say that I don't think about how to deal with my situation. There are things that keep me awake at night:
1. Last time I tried to come out to my wife it was a complete disaster. How may it go this time around? I was ordered to move out and was threatened pretty much to forget about having anything to do with my kids--even though I was initially told it would all be solved amicably.
2. Do I come out to my kids? I'm sure it wouldn't be a total shock to them, but how would they take it/how would it affect them?
3. Family? Last time I talked to my mother about this and she took it as a green light to deal with her own demons (none of which had anything to do with me). My dad felt that he failed me as a father...sigh!
4. If it gets to a point that we separate (or try again), how will we live? two houses--how in the world can we afford that? Kids aren't as little anymore--but I'm sure they would be affected seriously.
5. If for some miraculous reason my wife accepts me, would she accept being in a mixed marriage? One time she actually told me that she could work on any kind of problem, except for the gay thing---
Well, don't want to bore anyone with my boring life. I was able to attend the Moho party on the 31st at Dichotomy's house, even if it was for a short time (by the time I left it was just starting to get under way) but met a few amazing people there, it was nice to be able to talk to others freely, no judgment and feel nothing but acceptance, love and offers of unconditional support. I only wish I could have stayed there longer, but I was told that there will be other opportunities. Well, here's to a new year!!
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