Meeting the Mohos

This post is about 2 weeks into the making so it may sound more like old news.

I had been to Scott & Sarah's Moho party on 12/31, that time I was way nervous, almost didn't go in but it was a good experience meeting a few fellow Mohos and realizing it was ok. Out of my anxiety I believe I met a couple of the guys I had been emailing with, but didn't even realize it and I'm sure this made me look like a complete airhead. All in all it was a good experience, but I had not been able to make it back until June due to one thing or another

What the saying "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans"

Finally the stars aligned and I was able to return to meet the Mohos in June. I met a few new faces and saw some known ones. I felt much more comfortable and even stuck around longer than last time. As I observed (I'm a huge people watcher) interactions between people I have to admit that I felt a twinge of jealousy--I mean here I am, a middle-aged dad, still married, finally admitting to being gay--while they are mostly young, all very handsome guys; they feel comfortable in their skin, they know who they are and have full, exciting lives ahead of them...yeah I'm aware they also have their own challenges, but still, for a moment there I wished I could go back in time and be 21 again knowing what I know now. But then again, not all is lost for me, I wouldn't have the most wonderful children a father could ever hope to have, so I suppose it is all relative...

Still, what I can say about this experience is that I'm glad that these guys (and the one girl--I won't forget the 1 girl!) are young enough, smart enough and comfortable enough to avoid a lot of the pain and sorrow that I and other Moho's have experienced and feel nothing but admiration for them and I celebrate in their success and offer my support if they should ever need it (just make sure you get off my lawn!!!!--sticking my cane out to them, LOL). But in reality, silly as it sounds, I'm the one taking lessons on life from the young'uns in situations like that and I'm a better man because of it and again, feel grateful for Scott, Sarah and their adorable kids for providing this kind of venue for everyone like this.

This is what you wanted, right?

These kinds of posts are hard to write, I want to write as objectively as possible and avoid sounding like a completely selfish jerk but as anyone can probably tell, it ain't working...

We're getting close to being apart for 1 month.

I see her--my wife--should I start calling her my ex? :( --on average twice a week, when I pick up the kids and when I drop them off. The minute I start heading up towards their place I feel an anxiety attack coming--have have to literally control my breathing, distract myself somehow and tell myself it is going to be ok. There have been a couple of times that I've felt like turning around rather then dealing with it, but my time with the kids is limited so I'm not about to give up. I try to be civil and say hi and maybe make small conversation, but I hardly ever get so much as a hello. I took the kids to dinner on Thursday and got take out for her, I didn't get a thank you. I bought her a little knick knack when I went out of town and I barely got a 'meh' when I gave it to her. There have been times when I've sent the kids a good night text and include her in it, nothing back--I suppose it is better than getting anger shot back at me...

I want to show her that I still care about her and that I want us to remain friends. My therapist said I have to give her time and give her a break, I have probably let go of the marriage a long time ago and she needs time to grieve and process this all on her own--I suppose it is fair to say this is true. Still there's this twinge of hope at least for some form of civility that I am willing to show and I don't see anything in return. Maybe in time...There have been a couple of times that she has seen me in a sad mood and after exchanging a couple of words she'll say: "This is what you wanted, right?" I don't know if she says that to guilt me into anything or help me process something---I don't know how to answer that and it honestly it ends up pissing me off, but hey at least the sadness ends!!

Aside for a couple of things I did for myself, I had spent a good portion of 15+years trying to make things right by her, do what she liked, go where she wanted, do the activities she chose. Now that I don't have to do those things I honestly feel kind of lost and the hard part is knowing where to let go and where to find my own way without feeling/appearing like I don't care. Maybe I should have grown a spine (or a pair? LOL) earlier in the marriage and not ever develop myself into an emasculated twit, put my foot down on certain things, make it clear where I stood on others instead of giving in so much in an effort to hide my insecurities---oh well it is too late now.

-Part of me feels horribly sad that I failed at this marriage thing...it was never my intention to fail at it when I got married, even knowing the challenges I was facing then.

-Part of me feels excited to have been able to finally admit to myself who I am and be able to move on someday, in spite of the misery caused to everyone and knowing that someday things will get better--whatever getting better means.

As always, I have to say that this is just my side of the story, I'm sure if I were looking at it from the opposite end, I'd probably be experiencing/writing completely different things.--Alright, enough of my self-pity party!!! I am typically upbeat and positive about everything, I see the benefit of writing these kinds of posts and being able to read them in retrospect, but I will not dwell in this dark mood, life is too short and it is just not my nature.

Don't forget the straight ones!

So I've been busy getting a life, too busy to update this dang blog!

I met my counselor last week and was going through the list of things I'm doing to get out of my place and not sit and start thinking dumb and obscure thoughts. I told her I had gone to lunch with Hank (a friend I blogged about way back when), I told her I had got Milk on Nexflix and invited another friend to my place to watch it with me, it was a nice experience and had a pleasant time just hanging with someone watching a movie and eating popcorn. Then I mentioned that I went to the Pride Center for a support group that turned out to be a very positive experience when I really had been very nervious about, but pushed myself out of my comfort zone and it was a good outcome. Finally told her I was planning to attend Scott and Sarah's Moho party on Saturday night. This was all done in between a full-time job, a dance group reharsals/performances and spending time with the kids.

She said she was very impressed I had done all of that and that I was finding positive outcomes for my new life! She then said: "Don't forget your straight friends"....er, ummmm. I guess in my eagerness to find a life I had been neglecting some of my friends, such as one who invited me to go to the Arts Festival--really? is that a 'straight activity'? LOL--...I was spending time with the kids, so I couldn't go and they didn't want to go there either. But then I got thinking, I really don't have a lot of friends---straight or gay for that matter. Being that I had been kind of sheltering myself out of any real life I honestly can't say I have many friends that I can just hang out with or do other kinds of activities. I suppose I have a lot more work to do than I initially anticipated. How does one get a life in when our already busy lives go non-stop all week long?

I consider being gay just a part of who I am--not the one thing that defines me. I wear a lot of hats and have a variety of interests. My counselor's follow up advice was not to shelter myself again by just fostering only gay friendships--as it normally happens, I mean I can see the point of 'birds of a feather flocking together' and all --but to explore whatever makes and feels comfortable to me regardless of whether there is a gender orientation attached to the activity or community itself. I have to do a other postings about the Moho party, and my separation, but some of that is harder to deal with, so I'll just leave this one at that...

I need to get a life...

My therapist thinks it is time for me to get a life, I thought that was the whole purpose of the mess I'm living through, ha,ha.

The last couple of weeks have been an emotional and physical roller coaster ride and yet it all seems very surreal to me. I've been keeping busy moving, splitting up stuff--yours, mine--what used to be ours and what should we do with this and finding stuff I'd forgotten about, like my old mission discussions-I'm such a pack rat, who keeps their old mission discussions from 1986? LOL

I've also been spending as much time as I can with the kids before I head back to work next week. They're doing well all things considered; their mom, well, I wish I could say the same. My heart breaks every time I see her. I didn't think I could cry anymore, that I'd run out of tears at some point and out of nowhere a picture, a book, a song will trigger a wave of emotions that unleashes the floodgates. I met a friend on Monday who had been married and divorced his wife back before the internets and moho blogging was cool. He walked me through a lot of what to expect, how to handle this and that and he said that the best way to deal with life is to just keep living it--it helped me tons to see that all the pain and hurt will get better eventually.

I hate insomnia, hopefully when I get back to the demanding job next week I'll be too exhausted to stay awake for long. I'm glad the dog keeps me company, he has no idea how many times he has been the tipping point between sanity and impending doom!

Dating? mmmh, I m not ready to cross that bridge at all or any time soon.

Oh yeah, back to getting a life...the therapist warned me about how some men go from one end to a completely extreme opposite, losing their sorrows, cares and fears to alcohol, drugs and a life of whoring themselves, as they don't quite know what to do with their newly found freedom and be careful about where I go and the choices I make. I told her that in my situation I probably have the sense of not focusing on those things, sure experimenting sounds exciting and I might be curious to go to a club for sheer amusement, but for heaven's sakes, I'm not in my 20's anymore--I just have to learn to put things in good perspective, surround myself with good people--This next part is going to make me sound like a total jack ass, but in the middle of all the sadness, I've realized that:

1. I like to sleep with the window open (or partly--it has been colder than usual)
2. I love to eat a hot breakfast in the morning--even if my place smells like eggs or whatever was cooked the rest of the day
3. I was finally able to watch "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and not feel guilty for admiring Brad Pitt and/or any other movie that I want...LOL
4. I have no sense of interior decorating, but my daughter does and she has given me lots of pointers, after all she needs to feel comfortable when coming over.
5. I found myself laughing again with the kids. I had started to push them away from my life and I love when we laugh ourselves silly with my first job stories or watch their cute faces light up when I showed them my high school yearbook!
6. I can eat pizza again without feeling like I'm selfish and hurting someone's feelings or chinese food without feeling like I'm a weirdo for liking sweet and sour chicken.
7. I love having friends/family over for dinner or just to hang, it has been a lifetime since that has happened and I look forward to doing that again.

I think I'd forgotten me and in the midst of trying to do the right thing I'd forgotten how to live... watch out world, I'm going to join you again!

Countdown

I'm pretty sure it is because of the stress of the separation, but we're fighting...

We never used to fight, ever...

Maybe that wasn't the best way to deal with life before and is making it hard to deal with everything. We're not fighting as in throwing things to each other, just yelling over misunderstandings, misinterpretations of actions. But when we weren't fighting we weren't talking either, she said she just didn't know what else to say.

Who are these two strangers who had it so seemingly altogether at one point?

Opening up is hard for me. I don't bury my head in the sand or anything but I might a well with my body language and lack of response so I have to push myself to talk. We actually sat down on Monday evening to talk without fighting about the pain and fears. I keep hearing that the kids are heartbroken, they can't deal with things, yet I've talked to the kids and while they are not happy about what is going on, they are doing their best to understand and be supportive as much as they can---maybe we are looking at two different things--I don't know. I offered yet again if this is too much to bear, then why are we separating? Can't we try to stay together for everyone's sakes and see what we can make out of life?She said she'd think about it and we felt much better afterward.

A couple of busy days came and went. She talked to me last night and told me that she doesn't think it is a good idea to stay together, what happens if we're back in the same boat in 3 months, 6 months, 1 year? She says putting the kids through this seems pretty unbearable, I think she is projecting herself on the kids---they seem more able to keep it together than the two of us can---. Frankly, I share her feelings, I don't want to go around in circles and be back in the same place. She told me that she doesn't want me to stay because of guilt and pity, whatever we have to deal with, we might as well do it now...

I feel guilty for putting them through this and I feel guilty wanting to stay together. I keep hearing how much this has destroyed her as a woman and as a person, if only I had done this sooner, earlier...I told her this is the very reason I had put things off for so long, there was never going to be a good time or painless way to get through it. There are days I honestly wished I could just be run over by a train instead of having to deal with this. I asked if it makes it any better even by a slight margin that I haven't cheated or that I'm not doing this because there's someone already in my life? It does help some I guess.

I know as painful as this is, someday we'll all be better off and hope/pray for when the day gets here. So we're looking at the week after the kids are off school. I've scheduled time off work that week but honestly I am not looking forward to it getting here...