Musings

Sorry I have been out of the Moho blogsphere, my mind has been in a lot of other things, most of them related to work and family--(darn it having to make a living and spend time on relationships, they severely cut into my blogging and keeping track of friends : ) ).

I've been thinking about a couple of possible postings, but to be honest none of them are real revelations and/or insights that I haven't already read on other blogs. I was telling someone who emailed me that it all started to feel better once I settled on the knowledge that being gay was never going to go away and I had to find ways to accept it, deal with it and live with it in spite of years of trying to be the most faithful and worthy member of the LDS church, taking on callings, attending the Temple regularly, praying--pleading to God to take it away from me. If anyone can imagine just how long it has taken me to barely even admit to being gay--I don't like to call it SSA or Same-Gender Attraction, it is what it is and weird as it may sound it really isn't about sex...

But then again, what is it about?

Is it about building good/solid relationships with men--heck and why not even women? Is it about admiring a good-looking man in the street and have lustful feelings? Is it about the world of fantasy and how I might interpret a gay relationship? Is it about being a fervent advocate of equal rights for everyone regardless of their differences? Is it about feeling comfortable in my own skin and not be afraid of what others might think? I guess one of my tasks now is to find what it all means to me...

And yet the only area that I see it being a conflict is where it comes to my family (wife and children)--yeah I have made my choices, I have made promises that honestly there are days when I wonder my state of mind when I made them. Any other area of my life I would have known how to fix it or do something about it, except this one...I wonder if my life will always be like this--not that it is a complete disaster and it isn't depressing by any means, but I see this as one of those things that has a no win-win situation and it eats me inside...

See? I like I said, no new revelations...

Update on my so called life...

I haven't really made any decisions about my life.

My wife is in the middle of a medical treatment for a couple of different ailments. Right now the focus is on getting her better, getting her health back to as normal as I can before I can deal with anything else. I guess this gives a true meaning to "in sickness and in health"...

Not to say that I don't think about how to deal with my situation. There are things that keep me awake at night:

1. Last time I tried to come out to my wife it was a complete disaster. How may it go this time around? I was ordered to move out and was threatened pretty much to forget about having anything to do with my kids--even though I was initially told it would all be solved amicably.
2. Do I come out to my kids? I'm sure it wouldn't be a total shock to them, but how would they take it/how would it affect them?
3. Family? Last time I talked to my mother about this and she took it as a green light to deal with her own demons (none of which had anything to do with me). My dad felt that he failed me as a father...sigh!
4. If it gets to a point that we separate (or try again), how will we live? two houses--how in the world can we afford that? Kids aren't as little anymore--but I'm sure they would be affected seriously.
5. If for some miraculous reason my wife accepts me, would she accept being in a mixed marriage? One time she actually told me that she could work on any kind of problem, except for the gay thing---

Well, don't want to bore anyone with my boring life. I was able to attend the Moho party on the 31st at Dichotomy's house, even if it was for a short time (by the time I left it was just starting to get under way) but met a few amazing people there, it was nice to be able to talk to others freely, no judgment and feel nothing but acceptance, love and offers of unconditional support. I only wish I could have stayed there longer, but I was told that there will be other opportunities. Well, here's to a new year!!

Touched by an Angel...

Hey, not that kind of touching!! :)



I haven't posted in a bit. Too many things going around to even keep up, but I'm still here and I'm OK. I received a message yesterday from a fellow Moho blogger, just one of those "Hey, hope you're OK, holler if you need to talk" things that turned into a couple of hours of chat. He knows who he is, I don't think he'd like to be pointed out in the crowd (or maybe he would...better play it safe!) but honestly it could have been any of the guys whose blogs I read and identify with their challenges, struggles and difficulties...what an amazing community!!!



I can't believe how easy it was to open up to someone and talk so freely and openly with another person. I have a hard time dealing with the holidays, I typically am a very outgoing and positive person, but this time of the year just seems so suffocating that it does bring out the worst in me--can't figure that one out--anyway, talking to this person literally made my day and turned my attitude around. I am amazed by the level of love and generosity that I've received from this community and the full exercise of charity, concern and unconditional love. The only thing I can think that is honorable is to return the favor to others. I wish everyone of you a Merry Christmas whether you are with loved ones, friends or even if family means this online one; again, my heart is touched and feel privileged to be part of it.

Crossroads

I'd appreciate any help/advice anyone can possibly give me here....

I'm at a crossroads

My wife and I just had a 'conversation'. She tells me that she is seeing signs and she wants to know what's going on. I'm not ready to tell her anything. Issues have been coming up between us for a few months; we seem to be living in two different time zones and we've lost total touch of how the other feels completely. She says we don't do anything together; well, I've tried to ask her to do stuff but there's always something or other going on. We are consumed by work which is stressful, she is in school almost full time which adds to her stress and overall family and health issues, not to mention this holiday season which tends to put even bigger stresses on us.

I've told her that she seems to complain about everything, work (she has changed jobs about 5 times in the last 4 years, always something or other and she's certainly not happy in her current one), school (too much of a workload, too many credits) and life (she always tells everyone we have no money--which we don't have tons to throw away, but we do ok); we have no close friends, the only outside relationships for her are her family. I told her that in her complaining it does make it sounds as if I'm the root cause of all her problems with life and honestly 90% of the time I don't know how to approach her or talk. Lack of communication brings resentment, which causes yet more lack of communication and awareness about how the other one feels, overall assumptions which most of the time are wrong of course but then comes the resentment. I overheard her talk to someone the other day about a distant relative she ran into and mentioned how the last 15 years have certainly not been kind to either the relative or her...how's a guy supposed to feel about that? I have tried to help out in every other possible way, there's nothing in the house I won't do to help out with the kids, housework, cooking, laundry, you name it...

Here is the crux of the issue: lack of sex...it just isn't there. This has always been a problem for us--or is it for me? Sure we had our honeymoon period like other couples and once kids came into the marriage things changed. I certainly have my own issues and lately it is not just hard but impossible to connect at this level...I have my share of the responsibility, I know, but honestly I seriously wonder if by fixing this (if there is even such a thing as a magical fix to this and somehow manage to have a continuous, fulfilling sex life) would everything else get fixed too?

She asked me if there is such damage on each other by trying to keep whatever this is called (certainly not a marriage), is it even worth it trying to salvage it? I also realize that you guys are reading my side of the issue only, remember that. I struggle believing that by getting lucky once or twice a week, if such a thing could even happen would fix everything else, but hey, things may be more lost than salvageable anyway. Any advice or enlightenment would be appreciated...

Interpretations and Confessions

I remember the first time I ever heard this from my young man's president. We were sitting in priesthood and this must have been one of those uncomfortable, yet needed lessons to scare horny teenage boys out of their wits: The YM president said that masturbation lead to homosexuality. I also do remember several of the guys looking down at the floor with more than an embarrassed look in their faces. A couple of years later I discovered where this principle came from: I was reading portions of the Miracle of Forgiveness and ran into this...I don't know if anyone recommends this book as a resource to anyone, but I certainly hope not!

I also remember the first time I felt so overwhelmed that I just had to ask for advice. I was away from home in a student ward and nothing was making sense to me. I asked for an appointment with the bishop; I honestly could not piece anything in my life together and it was time to find some guidance. I'm sure it was a standard question for him and I had only been asked this once from my mission president and never again: He asked if I masturbated, but I figured as long as I was sharing confessions I would tell him of 'my problem': I told him that I felt attracted to guys. This must have taken every ounce of dignity out of me, because I sat there and bawled. Again, I'm pretty sure he had heard this before and must have had canned answers ready for every problem, because after a minute or so and without any other explanation told me that this would stop when I got married. I never went back to that ward again, I just couldn't bring myself to do it and found a family ward to attend and never ever brought it up with anyone at church again.

This was 1991...I really hope none of this non-sense is being taught in the church anymore. Now in retrospect, I still made my choices, I am really not trying to put blame on anyone here, I believe everyone probably did/does and gives the best possible advise advise when asked...