It was roughly a year ago that I had the conversation of official coming out with my wife. It was no news to her, merely a confirmation that I was no longer willing to live in hiding, nor holding her and the children hostage to the fake marriage we had.
YESTERDAY I walked into the courthouse, my entire body trembling. I had been crying for the last two days, not because I didn't want to file for divorce, but because of all the mess I created by believing the LDS bishop who told me that my gayness would go away as soon as I had a woman to have sex with and me being naive enough to believe I could change, with The Lord's help. I cried for the trauma I created in my ex and children's lives and my own, if I had only been assertive enough, something that no priesthood class, no mission, no calling could possibly ever teach me...
Yesterday I filed for divorce, something that I never in my mind expected to do 17 years ago. Such is life...
Yesterday I picked up my children from school, saw their faces and my heart bled a little, but I faked my feelings for them, even though they know how much this is all hurting; still deep down I know we'll all be alright in time...
TODAY I am taking a day for me. I am not celebrating in grand style, I will not do a Facebook update about it, I am not shouting "FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST!!"...
Today I will allow myself to be angry at the bishop, the LDS church, my mother, the system and even myself, whatever caused my crazy life to get to where it got before I started taking control of it.
Today I will make myself stop, think and relax (I have no idea how to do that, but damn it if I won't relax today!!) :-)
Today I will stop crying and will contemplate what the future will bring. Today is a new day to let everything soak in.
TOMORROW I will rise and return to the real world, I don't have the luxury of sitting, thinking and mourning for too long--not healthy anyway, life has got to go on.
Tomorrow I will start picking up the pieces of my life--in my mind I've been doing that all along, but it will feel like a new beginning.
Tomorrow and the future are exciting!!!
The moral of the story here is that if you're a man who is contemplating marrying a woman without her knowing you're gay, please STOP NOW and tell her. No amount of angst, rejection or scorn will ever make it worth it telling her and your children later on in life. Let's not fool ourselves anymore, no amount of prayer, service, scripture reading and church commitment and manly things are going to change a gay man into a straight one. I wish I had understood years ago, but on the flip side, I would have never known many of the joys of having a family, children, in-laws (yeah, you heard me!) and good things in life...
Now it will be different set of good things. I am not a fool to believe that it is all going to be easy and fun from now on, but I will always be grateful for the chance to wake up, have new opportunities and experiences, life goes on!!
what a whirlwind of emotion you must be feeling! Glad that you have perspective and that you know that you have control. Good luck with all the tomorrows of life, but I'd say never forget the good times of yesterday - glad to hear you're appreciative of the experiences of family, etc.
ReplyDeletehugs
I almost did that. Glad I didn't. Thanks for the optimism for the rest of your journey!
ReplyDeleteAnd as you make a new life, some of it you are doing for those of us who can't or won't take similar actions. So you have fan club routing for you in a vicarious sort of way.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the warm thoughts Recover, Horizon & Santorio. Today is a new day, I'm shaking myself off and moving on!
ReplyDeletehugs,pl
Best wishes for the future! Continue to look forward and upward!
ReplyDeleteLate to the parade on this one. Sorry PL.
ReplyDeleteWell you have a June appointment for a meal and greet to look forward to. That should be reason enough to go on and even be excited about life, no?
Hang in there my friend. The world needs us 40ish MOHOs.
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ReplyDeleteI know that this is long after the fact, but I feel like I should say something.
ReplyDeleteI am proud of you. You deserve all the happiness you will achieve. One day you will wake up next to your man, and realize that you have finally achieved true happiness and love. Good luck sir, and never be afraid to be you, It is a good thing to be! (you that is :)
-BHG