Conversation with the mom

I had a chat on the phone with my mom last Saturday. I believe I had mentioned before that our conversations usually go like this:

"Hi! How're you doing?, I'm good, how are you? Good, how are the kids? good! oh, ok. Well talk to you later!"--hang up.

Last Saturday after the usual pleasantries I asked her, "do you have time to chat, or would you rather I call you back some other time?" She replied that she had time to talk. I asked her if she had any questions for me? she said not really. I asked her why she never asked me about my gay-self. She grew quiet and I could sense her tension. I told her I wasn't trying to create grief or push anything in their face, but I needed her to know what's going on in my life aside from the usual work, kids and that I'm ok. I told her that I was seeing someone, I wasn't calling to ask her permission, but rather wanted to share a little bit about this experience with her, that I didn't know if she thought that I was just 'going through a phase'---there was a grapevine rumor with my siblings a while ago that I was using the gay card as an excuse to get out of my marriage, but I really wasn't!! :-)

So I told her I am seeing someone, told her we're still in the dating phase, not making any plans now or in the immediate future for anything more--again, I heard the stress in her voice then I heard her take a deep breath and she said: "Do your children know? Does your ex know about this?" I replied that they do, that they're still trying to process it, but that indeed they know. She then said: "I just want you to be happy. I talked to your step-dad about this day sometime ago and I had told him that when the day came, I was going to support your decision."

I told her half in tears, half in high pitched voice that I had spent years and years trying to make everyone's life better and giving love the best way I knew how--in many ways in spite of my own desires and happiness and that and I was finally starting to be on the receiving end of love and I loved how it felt, the reaction it gives my heart and how wonderful it makes me feel.

She apologized for never realizing this, she said I always seemed to be happy with my life and my decisions... I told her I was good at faking it so well that I used to believe that this was my lot in life, but I am done faking it and someone is showing me that I deserve to be loved and cared for in ways I never imagined.... more tears on both ends of the receiver... I never once apologized for possibly letting her and my stepdad down. To this day she has never said she is disappointed or anything. She asked a few questions about him, I answered what I could. I told her I felt it important for her to know, because whether it was going to be this man--or possibly someone else--some day soon I might show up at her doorstep with someone and she needed to be prepared for it. She said she was aware of that and would support me regardless of the decisions I made.

No judgement, no sermons. We've come a long, long ways... this conversation couldn't have possibly happened years ago without major drama and threats.

Happy sigh by Public Loneliness...

Last night my step dad called me out of nowhere (we seriously only talk for his birthday and maybe Christmas and yesterday was neither!). He asked if I talk to my brother, I said I do, all the time. He asked if I was doing ok and I said I was. He then said: "If you ever need to talk to anyone about anything, you know that you can call me, right?" I said I did, I thanked him and we hung up. Baby steps, baby steps...I bawled for a while... damn I am so freaking emotional lately I don't know quite what to do with myself!! :-)