Reflexions

I didn't think this divorce was going to take so much out of me. Although it wasn't ugly (from what I've heard in comparison to others) it still drained me mentally and physically. God bless my boss who is probably about ready to come and say: "we have to talk". I thought I'd be ready to bounce back this past week and couldn't quite get it together, but I think I'm almost out of it. Thanks to all who've checked up on me and offered your thoughts and support.

I didn't even get to do Abelard Enigma's monthly topic, well there will be other months I suppose. I also have changed my settings for moderated comments, I'm tired of being hit by Chinese comments with porn links; I know where to find porn myself, thank you very much!! :-)

hugs,pl

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

It was roughly a year ago that I had the conversation of official coming out with my wife. It was no news to her, merely a confirmation that I was no longer willing to live in hiding, nor holding her and the children hostage to the fake marriage we had.

YESTERDAY I walked into the courthouse, my entire body trembling. I had been crying for the last two days, not because I didn't want to file for divorce, but because of all the mess I created by believing the LDS bishop who told me that my gayness would go away as soon as I had a woman to have sex with and me being naive enough to believe I could change, with The Lord's help. I cried for the trauma I created in my ex and children's lives and my own, if I had only been assertive enough, something that no priesthood class, no mission, no calling could possibly ever teach me...

Yesterday I filed for divorce, something that I never in my mind expected to do 17 years ago. Such is life...

Yesterday I picked up my children from school, saw their faces and my heart bled a little, but I faked my feelings for them, even though they know how much this is all hurting; still deep down I know we'll all be alright in time...

TODAY I am taking a day for me. I am not celebrating in grand style, I will not do a Facebook update about it, I am not shouting "FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST!!"...

Today I will allow myself to be angry at the bishop, the LDS church, my mother, the system and even myself, whatever caused my crazy life to get to where it got before I started taking control of it.

Today I will make myself stop, think and relax (I have no idea how to do that, but damn it if I won't relax today!!) :-)

Today I will stop crying and will contemplate what the future will bring. Today is a new day to let everything soak in.

TOMORROW I will rise and return to the real world, I don't have the luxury of sitting, thinking and mourning for too long--not healthy anyway, life has got to go on.

Tomorrow I will start picking up the pieces of my life--in my mind I've been doing that all along, but it will feel like a new beginning.

Tomorrow and the future are exciting!!!

The moral of the story here is that if you're a man who is contemplating marrying a woman without her knowing you're gay, please STOP NOW and tell her. No amount of angst, rejection or scorn will ever make it worth it telling her and your children later on in life. Let's not fool ourselves anymore, no amount of prayer, service, scripture reading and church commitment and manly things are going to change a gay man into a straight one. I wish I had understood years ago, but on the flip side, I would have never known many of the joys of having a family, children, in-laws (yeah, you heard me!) and good things in life...

Now it will be different set of good things. I am not a fool to believe that it is all going to be easy and fun from now on, but I will always be grateful for the chance to wake up, have new opportunities and experiences, life goes on!!

Meeting with the mediator today...

We've done most of the legwork, so just about everything is settled, except a couple of small details (namely alimony). We've been back and forth on a few things, but if all works out fine, filing for divorce will take place on Friday.

At which point I might be posting/updating my blog from under the bridge, he, he!!

Oh well if that is what's going to take...

Wish me luck!!

Conversation with the mom

I had a chat on the phone with my mom last Saturday. I believe I had mentioned before that our conversations usually go like this:

"Hi! How're you doing?, I'm good, how are you? Good, how are the kids? good! oh, ok. Well talk to you later!"--hang up.

Last Saturday after the usual pleasantries I asked her, "do you have time to chat, or would you rather I call you back some other time?" She replied that she had time to talk. I asked her if she had any questions for me? she said not really. I asked her why she never asked me about my gay-self. She grew quiet and I could sense her tension. I told her I wasn't trying to create grief or push anything in their face, but I needed her to know what's going on in my life aside from the usual work, kids and that I'm ok. I told her that I was seeing someone, I wasn't calling to ask her permission, but rather wanted to share a little bit about this experience with her, that I didn't know if she thought that I was just 'going through a phase'---there was a grapevine rumor with my siblings a while ago that I was using the gay card as an excuse to get out of my marriage, but I really wasn't!! :-)

So I told her I am seeing someone, told her we're still in the dating phase, not making any plans now or in the immediate future for anything more--again, I heard the stress in her voice then I heard her take a deep breath and she said: "Do your children know? Does your ex know about this?" I replied that they do, that they're still trying to process it, but that indeed they know. She then said: "I just want you to be happy. I talked to your step-dad about this day sometime ago and I had told him that when the day came, I was going to support your decision."

I told her half in tears, half in high pitched voice that I had spent years and years trying to make everyone's life better and giving love the best way I knew how--in many ways in spite of my own desires and happiness and that and I was finally starting to be on the receiving end of love and I loved how it felt, the reaction it gives my heart and how wonderful it makes me feel.

She apologized for never realizing this, she said I always seemed to be happy with my life and my decisions... I told her I was good at faking it so well that I used to believe that this was my lot in life, but I am done faking it and someone is showing me that I deserve to be loved and cared for in ways I never imagined.... more tears on both ends of the receiver... I never once apologized for possibly letting her and my stepdad down. To this day she has never said she is disappointed or anything. She asked a few questions about him, I answered what I could. I told her I felt it important for her to know, because whether it was going to be this man--or possibly someone else--some day soon I might show up at her doorstep with someone and she needed to be prepared for it. She said she was aware of that and would support me regardless of the decisions I made.

No judgement, no sermons. We've come a long, long ways... this conversation couldn't have possibly happened years ago without major drama and threats.

Happy sigh by Public Loneliness...

Last night my step dad called me out of nowhere (we seriously only talk for his birthday and maybe Christmas and yesterday was neither!). He asked if I talk to my brother, I said I do, all the time. He asked if I was doing ok and I said I was. He then said: "If you ever need to talk to anyone about anything, you know that you can call me, right?" I said I did, I thanked him and we hung up. Baby steps, baby steps...I bawled for a while... damn I am so freaking emotional lately I don't know quite what to do with myself!! :-)

Divorce proceedings under way...

I don't think I'll give a blow-by-blow (he, he...wrong term to use in a gay blog!)account of what's going on, but I can say things like:

1. We agreed to get things going formally
2. I sent my proposal/offer, waiting to hear if there's such thing as a counter-offer
3. I'm scared shitless yet sad, yet hopeful, yet happy, yet relieved at the same time
4. It is time to move on, for better or worse!

Stay tuned...

In this day and age?

My friend emailed this to me today; it makes my blood boil, my mind raced back to 1991 when I experienced some of this. Granted, there was no Craigslist back then, but I was shaking just reading it:


"I’m a recently married, RM currently at BYU. I’m an active and believing Mormon, I love my wife but I’m also dying inside because I secretly have all of these feelings and desires to be with another guy my age. I’m tired of fighting these feelings and have pretty much gotten to the point of daring to meet someone for the very first time and explore these feelings.

BUT Here’s my problem….I don’t want to get excommunicated from the church.

I’d like to hear from married guys who have experimented AND confessed.

How far where you allowed to go and still not be Ex’d

PLEASE THIS IS FOR REAL: I want to hear from real married guys who have had experience with this.

For what it’s worth, I’m twenty four; 5’11” one-fifty…average boy next door type. Right now I’m just seeking an answer to my question before I’d agree to take the next step.

Before all of you judge me, I discussed my feelings with my bishop and he encouraged me to proceed with my marriage...he gave me a blessing promising me that they would go away after I got married...they haven't.

Location: BYU "

I didn't think this was done to people anymore, I am so pissed I want to drive down to BYU and yell and scream all kinds of profanities. Obviously someone has not got the $^%%Q@# memo!!!