Miss me already? :-)

OK so I thought things over and I have found blogging to be therapeutic in many ways. I am not ready to give it up and let's face it, costs a lot less than a session with the shrink!! But I also don't want to talk only about gay stuff,  I think that is what limits my ideas and I'm just going to integrate my life into one whole blog. I used to have an old blog from "back when life wasn't as complicated"--not really it has always been complicated, I was posting things there and then stopped pretty much when this blog was born, so I resurrected it, I have done a couple of postings from there and just come out altogether, no more having double accounts for email and stuff. So here it is:

http://lifeismg.blogspot.com/

I have posted a link off my Facebook profile but I am not going to announce it to anyone, I'll just let people find their way into it and catch up with my regular life and just let things evolve naturally. I suppose it is OK to link my new blog from the Moho Directory since I have a link there so free to update your links as well.

Thanks for the encouragement to keep going! Does that sound like a happy medium? :-)

Hugs,Miguel

PL Needs a break...

I've been catching up with Moho blogs lately, some of them are heart-wrenching, some give hope and some I just can't make sense out of. This happens ever so often so it is OK; maybe I just need to detach myself from blogs for a while.

I've considered just ending this blog since I personally don't have the conflict of being Mormon and gay, or being gay and married and all of its complications. I won't shut the blog down because I do believe that my story does have a moral to be learned in the Mohosphere the one about DONT GET MARRIED TO A WOMAN TO CURE YOUR GAYNESS!!!! I recognize that I need to pay it forward and help those that might be in the steps that I was a couple of years ago, when I started peeling the layers and figuring out what my life meant and the train-wreck that it became for a while, so if you need me, my email address is in my profile, I'm more than willing to talk on the phone or text  and if you want and there's always Facebook!!

But for my own sanity, I think I need to start getting a real life...

HUGS,Miguel

Got my freak on for Christmas!

In years past, somewhere after Labor day when someone would bring up drawing names or plans for the holidays I would immediately feel a tight knot in my stomach that would send me into depression, only to be exacerbated by the first time I heard "White Christmas" that used to make me cry with sadness. It could have been the stress of how to impress people and all that is tied with it and I was especially not looking forward to it last year going through the turmoil of a separation. I had commented to the babe that I wasn't a big fan of the holidays and I'm sure it probably raised red flags for him but somehow it ended up being a pleasant experience.

This Christmas things were much better. I did have the initial angst but things are different, I realized that I have a lot of control of my attitude and how I would handle situations this time around. I really enjoyed my family's party, went to a few other friend's parties and dinners through the month and even got an official invite to the X's family dinner on Christmas Eve, but I told the kids I wouldn't go. I seriously didn't want to put anyone in the situation of having to deal with anxiety and family drama; been there, done that! Instead I focused my efforts on the kids and I was able to join the babe again at his church's midnight candlelight service on Christmas Eve which in my mind is the best way to reflect and feel the spirit of the season.

What a difference a year makes! I did spend a lot of  time alone but I also found things to keep busy like learning to bake (well more like learning to clean the oven over and over again after some of my failed attempts!) I was able to listen and sing along to Christmas carols (I still find a couple of them sad!) but the babe and I spent more time together this year (some with his own family) and creating some of what we hope to be ongoing traditions for us. Just like last year, he managed to come up with some amazing presents and somewhere between fighting the tears and an incredible amount of gratitude I managed to tell him how great it is to feel that I matter to someone.

So big thumbs up for this holiday season, I know that in spite of my happy post there are plenty out there who struggle with the holidays and I sincerely hope that if that was the situation, at least someone reached out or if nothing else you reached out to others to make even a slight difference in a life and help make the season better all around. I've been there and I know how bad and lonely it can feel even while being in the middle of a celebration or a crowd and if nothing else, hope that there can and always be good times ahead!!

Please have snow, and Misletoe!!

 Hopefully not in the same location, lots of love to everyone in Moholand and Merry Christmas!!

Favorite moment of 2010: When the planets aligned

I was driving the kids back to mom's last night and my son asked what was my favorite moment of 2010. While I was trying to pick my brain I blurted out: "Well anytime I'm hanging out with you guys is my favorite time" to which my daughter replied: "Aaaaww dad, that's so corny!"

"Fine, I said, if I had to pick a favorite moment of 2010 it would be my birthday" I remember writing briefly about it back in October and I said I'd come back with more details but I don't think I ever did. A few months ago I had sort of confessed to the babe that if I could have one thing for my birthday it would be to have the three people I loved with me on that day, the kids and him, maybe dinner even if I had to cook it and just be together.

He had already met my son earlier so that wasn't that big a deal, I knew that meeting my daughter would be a whole other issue and I wasn't even sure how to approach the topic, because I had been made feel that there was no way that would ever happen, so the only thing I could do was to maybe mention things about him to my daughter. I started out by showing her pictures of some of the cakes that the babe has made for his nieces and nephews and how he does that as a tradition. One day she just said: "Well what does he do if he can make all these things?" She then asked, where he lived, did he have pets, etc?

I figured, well here it goes and I asked her how comfortable would she be meeting him on my birthday? She didn't even hesitate for a second and said that it would be just fine. My heart leaped a little but I still knew that anything could potentially change up to the minute she would actually meet him, so I hoped for the best but expected the worst. I think we were all anxious (hell, I know I was and so was he--he told me the night before!) but all things went as planned/expected and he arrived  to my place, brought a cake he had been working on and after meeting her he immediately asked her to help him do the final touches on the cake during which they talked about everything like old friends about books, movies, music and other stuff.

We went out to dinner and the focus continued being on them, never in a condescending way. There was never a mean or disrespectful word between them at all. The kids are pretty outspoken about things they like, feel and believe but never felt threatened by anything from his side. After dinner we came back to my place and had cake and milk. I was so happy my heart felt like it was going to burst. I don't think I had felt so much gratitude to God, Karma, or whatever made that happen and aligned the planets to make it happen. I felt so much love for the kids for giving me that. The babe kept saying how great the kids were, but in my mind I kept thinking how amazing he really is and I probably fell 200 more times in love with that man for making it happen and making it look so effortlessly.

So there it is, my happiest moment of 2010. Do you have a best memory of the year? Blog about it or discuss it here, whatever is best!

The Facebook Connondrum of My So Called Life...

I’ve debated posting this note on the infamous Facebook for several months and it I think it is about time it gets published but would like to know if anyone has any wisdom to share. I think it is time for me to stop tippy-toeing around many issues and post about more about the stuff I really want and talk about and so forth. I have the example of a few Mohos that have done this part of me says it isn’t a big deal and part says it is, so that’s where I don’t really know what to do. So I drafted something that goes like this:

I signed up for this social network roughly in November of 2008, not really knowing what to expect and soon enough I was connecting with people back to my days in middle school back in Mexico, high school in Houston, mission, church days, past & present work, old and new friends made all in between all those times and of course, immediate and extended family.

I don’t consider my life to be that extraordinary, but experiences and events in my life have made it what it is & the people who have been in and out of it through the years have definitely shaped to be what it is, for better or worse… So where does that leave little ordinary me? While I don’t expect everyone to know everything about me at all times, and agree/disagree with me, I find that I censor myself here a lot (who doesn’t?). The people that are close to me know enough of what's going on and I like that, but there are times when I am still in fear of offending people's feelings and I suppose in an attempt to make everyone aware of what’s really going on in my life and the people I interact on site together, here it goes:

I used to go to middle school, but I don’t anymore

I used to go to high school, but I graduated many years ago! 

I was a missionary in Mexico for the LDS church a long time ago, but that was then

I was married for 16 years, but I am divorced now

I have two amazing and beautiful children who are very smart, outspoken, and feisty and the light of my life

I have not been an active Mormon for several years

I am a gay man and I am finally comfortable with who I am and who I’ve become. I am dating someone at the moment (he's doesn't do the Facebook thing, BTW) at the same time learning how to mesh and combine all the parts of my life that have got me where I am and where my life leads.

If you’re still reading this far, I need to clarify that just as all the different areas of my life it is just that, things about me; they all are components of my life, not the one thing that makes me as an individual but one of my goals in 2011 is to work hard at  being a better me. I don't expect everyone to agree and sure enough I wouldn't be surprised to lose some of you, that's OK, it is part of life and I accept it.

Is it even worth posting it? Any thoughts?

Opera Company of Philadelphia "Hallelujah!" Random Act of Culture

I heard this mentioned yesterday at the Babe's church and boy, would I have loved to have been at Macy's when this happened! This is one of my very favorite Christmas songs. I'll blog more about Christmas songs when I have more time to talk about it, but at least for a little bit, here's a real treat!

Movie Review: The Kids Are Alright

I went home sick from work yesterday and the kids were not due to come home for a few hours so on the way to my place I stopped at Red Box and rented The Kids are Alright. I had wanted to watch this movie for a while and even gave the babe some hell for not wanting to go watch it with me (something always came up)...

Anyway, so I sat down and watched this movie which is about two lesbians who used a sperm donor to have a child each; when the kids are older the daughter seeks out the sperm donor and connects with him. There are a couple of graphic scenes (well it is a gay movie after all) for hetero and gay sex but it was interesting to see the dynamics that this family goes through when someone new comes into their circle.

I've always loved Julianne Moore's acting, she is a classy lady and I watch almost anything she does, also love Annette Bening. They have good chemistry together --in a lesbian kind of way I guess--I don't mean to offend any lesbians out there since I don't really know the first thing about it, so I admit I'm ignorant; yet it is interesting to see how even in this type of "non-traditional" families there is always a dominating person and one who assumes the subservient (sp?) role. 

As the dynamics develop I wondered at which point they were going to address the issue of how alright the kids were, maybe it was just inferred throughout the movie, but I don't think they really addressed it, instead the movie focused much more on the couple's relationship; so I can't say I was impressed and I'm now glad that we didn't spend a full movie ticket to watch it at the theater so the babe is officially off the hook! :-)

The movie itself was alright, I'd give it maybe 1.5 stars...

But that is only because you see Mark Ruffalo in various stages of nakedness......(need I say more?) Ggrrrrrrr!

Movie Review: Make the Yuletide Gay

One of the local gay couple does a gay movie viewing once a month or so. Last night they showed Make The Yuletide Gay. It is the story of a very openly gay college student who goes home for Christmas but he is not out to his parents. His boyfriend who was supposed to go to his own home for Christmas suddenly has a change in plans and surprises the first guy by showing up unexpectedly and the hilarity ensues.

I liked the movie, the acting is kind of bad, I have to admit that the mom was a bit too over the edge and the euphemisms were all over the place, but overall it was a good show. The main actor says somewhere in there that he worked with a lot of LGBT kids and some very conservative parents were more than accepting of their gay kids while very liberal parents completely rejected their kids--all great points. His main worry is that his parents might cut him completely off from their lives.

How many of us have worried about parents and relatives or those close to us not being accepting? I don't really remember having that angst while I was in my late teens or early 20's because frankly, I hadn't even accepted the possibility that I was gay; but seeing how other friends were being treated even by the simple grapevine rumor that they were gay gave me lots to worry about. We had an informal discussion about the experiences of some of the guys who were attending. Some did talk about the horror stories from parents after attempting to come out at young ages and at other stages in life but some relatives (sometimes in unexpected places) were the most accepting, even within very conservative LDS circles.

I've mentioned in the past that I'm a slow learner and I should have probably learned my lessons in acceptance, self awareness and confidence earlier in life, but one of the advantages I had by waiting to come out much later was that I was very much prepared to deal with the fact that some of my family might not be as accepting and in essence developed somewhat of a thick skin. Needless to say I admire all the young ones who have had enough of that self-awareness and are comfortable enough to come out while young and have all the open possibilities of life. In reality most of my immediate family have been accepting---sure none of them have offered to carry rainbow flags at the next pride parade but have been very supportive and accepting nonetheless. I am also glad that being gay is way more mainstream than it was say even 10-20 years ago. I'm glad that at least the media has contributed in part with shows like Will & Grace, Glee, Brothers & Sisters and my latest favorite show Modern Family.

So if you're looking for a movie to put on your Netflix queue, I recommend it, maybe 2.5 thumbs up, but don't expect too much!! :-)

Thoughts on God

Losing my religion (LDS Corp) was one of the most traumatic events in my life. I was trying to put this idea into context a few weeks ago and the best way I could do was to compare it to the Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy and company found that the Powerful Oz was just a silly man behind the curtain. However in my experience there was no man behind the curtain of religion who could still give me a heart, the brains, the courage or tell me to click my ruby slippers to get back home. I was simply: LOST


All I had ever known about God and religion went out the window, but I think it is important to note that The Gospel (way of life or the manner we conduct ourselves) is not the same as a church (organization). For a while I used to visualize God as a possible "He, She or It". I'm not exactly sure when it happened but one day I think lost my belief in God altogether. I think it was a byproduct of losing my faith in the church and became so angry. Perhaps I wanted to blame someone or something and I could not conceive the thought of a being who could allow an organization to play such a number by telling me what to think, what to say, how to dress, what to read, even down to the kind of underwear I was supposed to wear and basically deny my right as a human being for self-thought, expression & individuality.

9-11-01 had already thrown me for a loop long before and may have started me on this path because even then I had a hard time conceiving in in my mind a God that would allow others to create horrible destruction and suffering in His name so by the time I left the LDS church I was no stranger to having crisis of faith. This was before I event dealt with the gay-me concept, what can I say, I'm a slow learner--I'd rather think that I'm a cautious learner, but the reality is that I'm just slow...

Once I made the decision to detach myself from all things religious I was probably an Atheist for 2 or three hours--just kidding--it could have been a few months while I was still trying to discard previous dogma, beliefs and culture while trying to sort out what I actually believed. One of the benefits of my my stint as an Atheist is that I allowed myself to at least explore and consider the possibility of other lines of thought like world religions, Naturalism, Secular Humanism, Buddhism among others and heck even evolution:

I also heard the very weird notion of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and thought: Why not? Anything is possible, no? If I can make myself believe in something that I've never seen why not at least make it an animated figure. I actually did some research on the FSM and there's a whole cult out there. I know it is all satire and more for the sake of mocking the belief in something higher, but let's face it, at the end of the day, this is not any more valid than believing in any other kind of deity...

Of course I am not an extremist person by nature and over time my belief pendulum has swung back and forth a few times, but never back to one extreme or the other. After wandering and searching around I attended mass at the Catholic church for a while and I've attended other churches in my search: Unitarian Universalism, Episcopal, Presbyterian and a couple of others and I've concluded that I like the idea of a higher being, a higher power somewhere out there, it might be Buddha, it might be the Flying Spaghetti Monster, it might be the Holy Trinity, it might be Karma, it might be the Wind, sure it might even be a Human-like being dressed in white robes sitting in a throne up in Heaven (and still dare maintain that it might be a He, She or It!!)

I suppose I'm just a human after all (duh!) and I like the comfort that it brings me to think of something bigger than myself. Now one of the common threads that I found in all of the beliefs (including LDS) aside from the belief of a higher being is The Golden Rule-- basically treat others as you'd like to be treated. Is there a title for the kind of belief in a God that could be anything and reminds me to be a good person just because, not necessarily because He, She, It might smite me?  :-)

I recognize the role that organized religion plays as far as being part of a tribe or community and that may be important for some people, aside from personal beliefs if such delicate dance can be accomplished for better or worse. As for me, at least for now my quest has led me to think that I don't discount the possibility that a God exists BUT will probably never go back to being the unquestioning believer of God. The closest I can come up with a label is probably Hopeful Agnostic-- Again, I'd like to believe in that higher power but I've not seen convincing evidence one way or another.  I think it is fair to say that I'd be even a bigger fool to believe that anyone who doesn't agree or believe like I do is wrong.

The quest continues and perhaps will never end...

Facebook's Fight Against Child Abuse Weekend

I started noticing some of my FB peeps changing their profile pictures through Monday in the fight against child abuse. At first I fought the urge to jump on he bandwagon and this is the reason why:

My mother and my older sister think that someone sexually abused me as a kid, which is why I'm gay....

Well nothing could be further than the truth. I don't remember being sexually abused. Certainly by now in my 40's the memory as much as I would have tried to regress it would have found its way to resurge. I am not a professional in this field, but I certainly think I know myself well enough. Still studies (and I'm sorry I don't have references, this is just a blog post, not a college paper!) say that most of the child abusers are: 1. Heterosexual 2. Someone that the child knows and trusts.

Now I don't discount the fact that a lot of gay men were sexually abused as children. I've heard lots of pretty horrific stories about being abused by older brothers, cousins, uncles, neighbors, scoutmasters, etc. Still save a couple of the men who attribute it directly to the sexual abuse, most of the men say that the abuse in itself was/is not the wild card to their sexuality. This topic may have been brought up in blogs before: Is it nature or is it nurture?

Is it that gay boys have a tendency not to be overbearing that makes them ideal targets for abusers or is it the 'exploring' nature that makes them experiment?  This may be overreaching, but I believe that there's a big difference between sitting in a tent with a bunch (or one or two) of other teenagers all in their underwear and suddenly a wrestling match turns into something else OR as one of my friends explained (GRAPHIC WARNING HERE!): Being startled from sleep with the scoutmaster's penis in his mouth---Now that's sexual abuse!!

Other less graphic theories may include the lack of closeness to a male father figure, well I had plenty of those around, lots of church leaders, uncles, cousins and certainly my stepdad. I've talked about our relationship (or lack of) on this blog in the past but as far as I can I had no lack of access to manly role models. Others may say that I was raised with too many females around (growing up with 7 sisters might be a qualifier) and yeah I did learn to make french braids and the side pony tail on the Barbie--LOL-- but then again: So did my brother and he is not gay!! While I believe that the nurture theory does play somewhat of a role in someone's gayness--and again, I'm not a professional so take it for what it is-- in my mind role of nature has to be the clincher here.

Now this just about sexual abuse. I do believe that emotional abuse can probably be just as scarring and by no means it is less damaging to a child's psyche. This is ultimately why this morning I thought that abuse is abuse and a child should never have to live through any of it, so I joined in and changed my profile picture, I just had to think it over a few hours, sleep on it if you may.

Don't ask, don't tell...

I was reading CNN and I found the following:

Pentagon: Letting openly gay troops serve won't hurt military

I've never served in the military (or wanted to for that matter). My biological father was in the military for a while and so was my step-dad back in the motherland--hey, maybe my mom had a thing for men in uniform, I'll have to sass her about that someday!!--I also have a relative who is in the service and just came back from Afghanistan, as far as I know he is not gay; he's married, him and his wife are pretty conservative--still who is to say right? :-)

A few years ago I was taking an Ethics class we had some debates assigned and this was one of the topics assigned to our group. It just so happened that there was a very openly gay guy in my class as well as someone who was a National Guard and was about to be sent into active duty and they were in opposite sides of the debate. Once we got down to presenting facts and ideas, these two exchanged ideas back and forth, rebuttals and so forth. Finally the professor asked everyone in the room (maybe around 20 people) if they thought that a gay person--openly or closeted for that matter--could serve effectively in the military.  The answers were about evenly split--kind of surprising even for Utah.

The last person that was asked was the soldier who had kind of argued his point, but had not really made a solid case. He took a deep sigh and said something like this: "As much as I tried to look for reasons, I could not find a convincing one why ****** could not serve in the military whether in the closet or openly". HOWEVER, he said that he personally believed that this was more the case in war times (we were deep in the Iraq war) when the Armed Forces needed every possible volunteer to help out. He said that he seriously doubted that he'd feel the same if we were not at war as a country.

Of course none of the above mentioned items qualifies me as an expert, this is just my opinion, but I honestly don't see why a gay soldier could not do his job as effectively as the next person. I don't even understand why it is even being debated in the US Senate right now. Is is that the military is the last sacred cow for people? Are gay servicemen less patriotic than their counterparts? Someone explain it please...

Just my  $.02

November Theme: What are you thankful for?

1. My children-- they bring me joy, they make me proud papa and make it all better with a big hug, no matter what may be going on in our lives.
2. The babe--I only talk about him in general terms here but he's an amazing, loving, funny, handsome and caring guy that came to rescue me from myself in times when I wasn't sure I'd make it through the next hour, let alone the next day.
3. Family and extended relatives who show their love and care. I wish that distance was easier on all of us to share in more good times in person.
4. Friends that I learn from, who show me love and care, who check up on me and take even just a minute to say hey, text their pictures and the occasional hello for no reason---you all rock!!
5. Good health and the occasional aches and pain that make me appreciate the times when all is well with this aging body.
6. A job that allows me to make a decent living and challenges me to be a better employee each day.
7. The Internets that allow me to stay in touch and connected with people especially on those odd nights when insomnia kicks my butt and allows me to learn and appreciate people from all walks of life around the world.
8. The dog who seems to know just when I need a lick in the face or he'll just come and sit on my lap as if to say "I got your back, no one can mess with us"
9. Hope. Hope that things can always get better even if they don't seem to at a given moment.
10. For making it through such a roller-coaster year of emotions, angst, and sometimes sad times, but also was lucky enough to have plenty of good, sweet and happy times as well.

Prayer

Growing up in my family we used to pick on the least likely person to pray when there was a gathering (yeah that one person who would hide, look down & was the least suspecting sucker) and basically put them on the spot. Not sure what the intention of that was, but as I’ve slowly become that one person who is no comfortable praying, I realize the predicament that this move put anyone in and it may have just been plain annoying—and I’m sorry that I ever happened to have been part of that conspiracy!

I asked the babe if his family prays to bless the food and I told him that I was a bit nervous that I might get picked tomorrow while having dinner with his family; I’m not sure of what would I do or say and don’t want to be rude but at the same time would not quite know how to react, while wanting to impress them and all too. I suppose if I get picked it will be Karma’s way of payback-ugh! The babe said that his family does pray but he has not been picked in years so I was probably OK and had nothing to worry about—then again, if I get to be the lucky one, I might just break out and do a chant, or a Catholic prayer, or I might even pray in Spanish, that way I can say whatever I want and they may never know---oh wait, his sisters went on Spanish missions so if I say a nice prayer I might just get on their good graces… I really don’t know why I’m freaking out about this at all…really!?!?

Prayer is one of those funny things, it is supposed to be a personal thing, the connection between the individual and God, yet, when praying in public some people love to show off a bit too much in my not-so-humble opinion. I like prayers basic and to the point, like when on the mission I taught people to pray “the LDS way”:

1. Our Father in Heaven
2. We thank you for…
3. We pray that…
4. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

Growing up in Mexico, I learned to speak to my parents, uncles and older relatives in the informal “TU” tense which in my mind brings people closer. However, depending on where you grow up a person might be taught to use the “USTED” to anyone older than oneself, relatives or not. When we converted to Mormonism we learned to pray in the less formal “TU” tense, at least in Mexico, I don’t know if other Spanish-speaking countries follow that, but I think it made God seem more like I was talking to a relative and I was less scared of Him. Having said that, I never liked the formality of Thee or Thou in English prayers--possibly stemming from the King James version of the Bible--either way it just seems presumptuous to me—Yeah I know we’re talking about God here and I get it, the Big Man Upstairs, Supreme Being, the big Kahuna but hey, it is one of those things that might make the idea of God way more than it should be... just sayin'

Anyway, a few years ago members of my family (after what might seem the fact that we relaxed enough to pick on people) came up with what seems to be an appropriate solution. If I have people over to my house there’s no prayer needed and I’ll announce it so everyone knows they can jump right in and eat. If I’m at one of my sibling’s houses and if we pray they’ll simply announce it and either that sibling or their spouse will pray, never-ever put anyone on the spot and I’ll respectfully bow my head and say amen--especially if I really want that green Jello with carrots to nourish and strengthen me! :-)

I'm praying now so that tomorrow I don’t get picked to pray--how ironic is that?!?

Friendships

This is one of the blog posts that I’ve been mulling in my head for a while. Probably nothing earth shattering, or newsworthy; just personal observations.

First off, the standard pity line: “I never had many close friends growing up” :-)


I chalk this to a few factors: Moving a lot and not growing deep roots anywhere, being insecure & being the object of kid’s humiliation probably prevented me from hanging out with A type kids who ruled with horror on the school playgrounds (or kids in general). High school was a whirlwind of stress, classes, hormones and of course the LDS spin on my life that taught me I was: Not of the world--there also weren’t that many LDS kids in my school, not that it would have helped getting close to anyone, I wouldn’t even deal with the possibility of falling in love with a friend, that was nowhere near my radar!! Does anyone really have a best friend growing up?


Many of my mission companions and I always made plans to stay in touch in the future, little did we know that life (school, marriages, children, jobs) would basically get in the way—but the intentions were good. I had a small group of good friends while I was still single and we got pretty close –not in a sexual way at all—but again, after we all got married our wives (who are now just about all of our exes—oh irony…. ha, ha, ha!!) never really got along so friendships were sadly lost that way. Church, well church is church but just for the record: Home and Visiting teaching do not count as friendship, I may be generalizing and I’m sure there are exceptions, but again, just the way I see it. I do have to admit that a lot of times (as others may have mentioned) the fear of getting close to a guy for fear of falling in love with him or the danger of doing something that might seem inappropriate was a factor in not getting too comfortable being friends with someone as well.


So where does all of this leave divorced, gay men like me? When I first came out & started seeking out friendships with other gay men, the majority of them lost interest after there was no indication that we might be, um…getting it on? I was told by one of those friends that most of his friends were past boyfriends and after they moved on that’s just how their relationships evolved. Some of the men admitted that many of their friends were “FWB” for whenever the need arose. I’m not a prude but frankly I scratch my head about that one—maybe it is a gay cultural thing!


I think I’m not the only one who feels safe (and glad) to have many Mohos as friends—sure many of them are handsome and sexy and yeah I wont lie that the thought did not occassionaly cross my mind—and I know there have been couples formed that started out as friends in the Mohosphere but it really isn’t THE only thing that happens—well at least no one admits to anything happening, right? Guys? Really? Anyone wants to fess up about what happens after Scott’s parties? The main reason I like Moho friends is that at least in my experience there isn't that automatic layer of "let's see what I can say or do to get in your pants". Sure there might be some harmless hugs, flirting and all but again--maybe I'm off my rocker here, but that has been my experience.


I’ve been very fortunate to have formed good friendships with a couple of Mohos local and out of state (they know who they are) & some of the men from the Gay Father’s group most of who are, you guessed it, Mohos!! They get what I’m talking about, what I talk or may rant about and simply: They’ve been there, done that. We can be out and about, doing our thing, be missing for days, weeks or months, but once we connect the synergy and friendship picks up right where we left off and I like  that as our own friendships grow and evolve we get more and more comfortable talking and dealing with issues (some serious, some silly) that we might not talk about in an open forum, but here's still plenty of banter and fun exchanges.


I was of the idea that a person can’t have enough friends and that’s great but lately I’ve thought that having a few close friends and many acquaintances might be best...


Anyone has additional insights on the subject?

Skribit thinghy there on the right

I try to come up with interesting things to write about, ideas, commentaries, but sometimes I draw a blank and don't quite know what to say or post something completely inane --Like this!!

In order to maybe get better organized with my thoughts, I added the Scribit gadget if you have any ideas shoot them my way, it allows you to do annonymous questions, so feel free to ask.

(This is the disclosure part where I reserve the right to answer the things I think are appropriate and/or not answer something if I don't feel comfortable talking about it, but I'm pretty much an open book, I think I can handle it! We'll see!)

Musicals Part # Dos

Since I last posted about musicals I've been making it part of my morning routine to listen to the Broadway hits on Pandora Radio  and enhancing my education (or is it assimilation?)

I think the babe cried a small tear when I told him about it this morning. I was amazed that he knew the lyrics to all the songs that came on the station while drank coffee and he helped me bake stuff for my sister's dinner to which he replied: "sweetie I've been gay for much longer than you, besides my mother loves musicals & I've watched them all my life"

To which I said: "that's a lie! I'm older than you & I've been gay all my life, never mind that most of it was spent in the closet, ha!!"

To which he said: "if you know the next song that comes on I'll shut up" next song came & I didn't know it (damn!) and he made fun while not only singing but also doing the full routine to some piece from The Music Man...

I hope I'm lucky enough to marry him someday! :-)

Does it get better (as a married gay man?)

I've spent part of my day catching up with blogs and it was interesting to see Abelard, Beck and Philip talk about life getting better for married gay men and their different points of view. Those of you who have read this blog know that this story didn't end up in Happily Ever After...

NOT THAT I DIDN'T TRY!!

I think in addressing the "Does it get better" question, one has to ask: What is better?

For me, better used to be managing (more dealing) with the life I had chosen, marriage, children, work, etc, etc. I wanted my cake and eat it too! I probably spent the first 10 years of marriage doing my darnedest, but as time went on, I realized that I was really doing a lousy job balancing all the plates and since I was not going to get out of anything alive, I might as well do something about accepting myself. In business when something is not going well you redesign; look at your course and make the necessary changes to make sure you get where you want to go, but I didn't see my marriage and life necessarily as a business but still; coming out and start living life in what would seem a better way and making the necessary changes was not going to be an easy project...

"Getting better" suddenly became a completely different goal; here I was a middle aged man who suddenly wanted to live a genuine life, really? Was it realistic? Was it going to be easy? Was it going to be worth it? These were the hard questions I asked myself while I lay awake at 3:00 am wondering how I was going to do this and how I could avoid the less possible impact and pain to all involved.... ugh! I also have to admit that just before I separated from my X I asked if it might be worth it staying together and live our lives the way we had and she was the first one to admit that "better" was not going to happen, but that more than likely we'd find ourselves in the same situation sooner or later so it was mutually decided to move on. 

BUT THAT WAS MY LIFE! Others may be fortunate to have better spouses who in spite of the obvious may still want to pursue a life together, who may be more forgiving and more willing to work on the relationship handling whatever issues may come, for better or worse, after all it takes 2-to-tango and I also wondered how irresponsible it was for me to potentially hold her hostage to my allusion of being a seemingly responsible husband and father when my heart was nowhere in my marriage (physically but more important, emotionally) no matter what I told myself and appeared to be. 

*Has life got better? Well yes! I think so but it has also become a slow process which some days seems like things are moving along nicely and some days I just sit and wonder what's going on?!?!?

*Has it been easy? Well, no, but it would certainly be much, much worse if I didn't have a lot of support from relatives and close friends--that seems to make the biggest difference in the world.

*Was it worth it? Somedays I used to second-guess myself but as time moves on I've concluded that it was very well worth it but I've also concluded that there's no one way to do anything in a relationship that can/be copied for the next one, in the end everyone is their own little world and there are no real guarantees in life.

I'm not entirely sure the point I'm making with this posting, would my life had got better as a married gay man? At this point I believe I have enough knowledge and scars to know that it wouldn't have, no matter how hard I tried, or how much I wanted it.

Sad, but true...

What is it about Kurt from Glee?

Did you hear that Glee got nominated for Best Comedy for some award show?

I told the kids I didn't think it was a comedy, but the reason I fail to see is as comedy is because I'm mesmerized by Kurt and how his character is developing. The writers have managed to move him beyond being the fashionable gay token singer with a huge set of pipes of the Glee club into a fully breathing, fearing, hurting, loving, hating, smiling and feeling human being. 

Last night's show was hard to watch, I usually cry a lot when they show things about Kurt. Dealing with his dad and having acceptance, what gay guy wouldn't want Kurt's dad? When Kurt develops a crush on Finn (who of us has not had a young crush?), or manages to play Football and score a goal while being taunted and picked on by the jocks and finally last night's shock of what happened when he stands up to the bully (I won't give it away in case you haven't seen it, but by now you may have already heard anyway!).

I was talking to the babe about the Kurt factor on Glee and he said: We all relate to Kurt in the sense that his life is everyone of us--as in wish I had been confident enough to be out and be myself at that age but also in the sense that "damn, I'm glad I never got picked on as much and as badly as Kurt does". I suppose there's a lot of truth in that. Not that I was artistic or a flamboyant dresser in high school but I remember giving 'the vibe' to a couple of guys who threatened to kick my ass and that put the fear of God in me almost like nothing else. Now I wonder if those guys who threatened me had their own gay fears of acceptance! 

I hope that Kurt becomes boyfriends with the new kid (Blaine?) and they show it in a healthy, fun way so that people (especially all the young ones) can see that gay relationships can also be healthy and not just about the hook-ups and sex and disfunction but who knows, what'll happen, it is FOX after all! I have to confess that although I have learned to love this show because of Kurt, the music, the other kids' experiences, but let's face it, a lot of what attracts me to watch is because I also want to see what is Sue Sylvester up to!! :-)

The things you would have said...

I heard this website being mentioned on the radio the other day and have been reading it off an on.

The letters are mainly written to people who've passed away from those who didn't take the chance to do it at a given time--to me saying "the right time" seems pointless--, there's lots of things in life that the right time never gets here.

So I've sat here thinking of some things that I would have said and to whom?

1. I would have told my X I was gay before we got married. I realize that she wouldn't have married me but the pain of seeing what I've put her through with that one fatal mistake is pretty unbearable sometimes.
2. I would have told myself long ago that it was OK to be me and be happy being a homo and come out much, much earlier than I did; screw what my mother, the church an the supposed society expected of me. I spent many years pleasing everyone in spite of my own happiness. I would also have told myself it was OK to be vulnerable, that I didn't have to be Superman 24/7 and put on a show for everyone; it is exhausting!!! :-)
3. I would have told my daughter many years ago that gay people are alright, worth of respect and love like I did with my son. I realize that she has had to forge her own ideas and mind but I think I dropped the ball working on her (was I protecting her, or me?) and now it is 10 times harder to have her come around.


I'm sure there are a lot other things I would/should have said, but I've also learned that it isn't healthy to dwell in there. The lesson here is to say what you need to say when you need to say it. I've called myself a slow learner before, but I work hard every day having a few regrets as I possibly can...

If this is too personal I understand, but Is there anything that you would have said?