Sorry I have been out of the Moho blogsphere, my mind has been in a lot of other things, most of them related to work and family--(darn it having to make a living and spend time on relationships, they severely cut into my blogging and keeping track of friends : ) ).
I've been thinking about a couple of possible postings, but to be honest none of them are real revelations and/or insights that I haven't already read on other blogs. I was telling someone who emailed me that it all started to feel better once I settled on the knowledge that being gay was never going to go away and I had to find ways to accept it, deal with it and live with it in spite of years of trying to be the most faithful and worthy member of the LDS church, taking on callings, attending the Temple regularly, praying--pleading to God to take it away from me. If anyone can imagine just how long it has taken me to barely even admit to being gay--I don't like to call it SSA or Same-Gender Attraction, it is what it is and weird as it may sound it really isn't about sex...
But then again, what is it about?
Is it about building good/solid relationships with men--heck and why not even women? Is it about admiring a good-looking man in the street and have lustful feelings? Is it about the world of fantasy and how I might interpret a gay relationship? Is it about being a fervent advocate of equal rights for everyone regardless of their differences? Is it about feeling comfortable in my own skin and not be afraid of what others might think? I guess one of my tasks now is to find what it all means to me...
And yet the only area that I see it being a conflict is where it comes to my family (wife and children)--yeah I have made my choices, I have made promises that honestly there are days when I wonder my state of mind when I made them. Any other area of my life I would have known how to fix it or do something about it, except this one...I wonder if my life will always be like this--not that it is a complete disaster and it isn't depressing by any means, but I see this as one of those things that has a no win-win situation and it eats me inside...
See? I like I said, no new revelations...
