Got my freak on for Christmas!

In years past, somewhere after Labor day when someone would bring up drawing names or plans for the holidays I would immediately feel a tight knot in my stomach that would send me into depression, only to be exacerbated by the first time I heard "White Christmas" that used to make me cry with sadness. It could have been the stress of how to impress people and all that is tied with it and I was especially not looking forward to it last year going through the turmoil of a separation. I had commented to the babe that I wasn't a big fan of the holidays and I'm sure it probably raised red flags for him but somehow it ended up being a pleasant experience.

This Christmas things were much better. I did have the initial angst but things are different, I realized that I have a lot of control of my attitude and how I would handle situations this time around. I really enjoyed my family's party, went to a few other friend's parties and dinners through the month and even got an official invite to the X's family dinner on Christmas Eve, but I told the kids I wouldn't go. I seriously didn't want to put anyone in the situation of having to deal with anxiety and family drama; been there, done that! Instead I focused my efforts on the kids and I was able to join the babe again at his church's midnight candlelight service on Christmas Eve which in my mind is the best way to reflect and feel the spirit of the season.

What a difference a year makes! I did spend a lot of  time alone but I also found things to keep busy like learning to bake (well more like learning to clean the oven over and over again after some of my failed attempts!) I was able to listen and sing along to Christmas carols (I still find a couple of them sad!) but the babe and I spent more time together this year (some with his own family) and creating some of what we hope to be ongoing traditions for us. Just like last year, he managed to come up with some amazing presents and somewhere between fighting the tears and an incredible amount of gratitude I managed to tell him how great it is to feel that I matter to someone.

So big thumbs up for this holiday season, I know that in spite of my happy post there are plenty out there who struggle with the holidays and I sincerely hope that if that was the situation, at least someone reached out or if nothing else you reached out to others to make even a slight difference in a life and help make the season better all around. I've been there and I know how bad and lonely it can feel even while being in the middle of a celebration or a crowd and if nothing else, hope that there can and always be good times ahead!!

Does it get better (as a married gay man?)

I've spent part of my day catching up with blogs and it was interesting to see Abelard, Beck and Philip talk about life getting better for married gay men and their different points of view. Those of you who have read this blog know that this story didn't end up in Happily Ever After...

NOT THAT I DIDN'T TRY!!

I think in addressing the "Does it get better" question, one has to ask: What is better?

For me, better used to be managing (more dealing) with the life I had chosen, marriage, children, work, etc, etc. I wanted my cake and eat it too! I probably spent the first 10 years of marriage doing my darnedest, but as time went on, I realized that I was really doing a lousy job balancing all the plates and since I was not going to get out of anything alive, I might as well do something about accepting myself. In business when something is not going well you redesign; look at your course and make the necessary changes to make sure you get where you want to go, but I didn't see my marriage and life necessarily as a business but still; coming out and start living life in what would seem a better way and making the necessary changes was not going to be an easy project...

"Getting better" suddenly became a completely different goal; here I was a middle aged man who suddenly wanted to live a genuine life, really? Was it realistic? Was it going to be easy? Was it going to be worth it? These were the hard questions I asked myself while I lay awake at 3:00 am wondering how I was going to do this and how I could avoid the less possible impact and pain to all involved.... ugh! I also have to admit that just before I separated from my X I asked if it might be worth it staying together and live our lives the way we had and she was the first one to admit that "better" was not going to happen, but that more than likely we'd find ourselves in the same situation sooner or later so it was mutually decided to move on. 

BUT THAT WAS MY LIFE! Others may be fortunate to have better spouses who in spite of the obvious may still want to pursue a life together, who may be more forgiving and more willing to work on the relationship handling whatever issues may come, for better or worse, after all it takes 2-to-tango and I also wondered how irresponsible it was for me to potentially hold her hostage to my allusion of being a seemingly responsible husband and father when my heart was nowhere in my marriage (physically but more important, emotionally) no matter what I told myself and appeared to be. 

*Has life got better? Well yes! I think so but it has also become a slow process which some days seems like things are moving along nicely and some days I just sit and wonder what's going on?!?!?

*Has it been easy? Well, no, but it would certainly be much, much worse if I didn't have a lot of support from relatives and close friends--that seems to make the biggest difference in the world.

*Was it worth it? Somedays I used to second-guess myself but as time moves on I've concluded that it was very well worth it but I've also concluded that there's no one way to do anything in a relationship that can/be copied for the next one, in the end everyone is their own little world and there are no real guarantees in life.

I'm not entirely sure the point I'm making with this posting, would my life had got better as a married gay man? At this point I believe I have enough knowledge and scars to know that it wouldn't have, no matter how hard I tried, or how much I wanted it.

Sad, but true...