The Father's Daughter

I don't know if this qualifies as TMI but in an effort keep thoughts fluid I am going to write about it here and see if anyone dares give me an opinion and if nothing else it might just be pure entertainment as part of my blog narrative (see above for the train wreck reference).

I have a 10 (almost 11 year old) daughter. She is very mature for her age physically, mentally and quite precocious--of course I am biased and unashamed, I'm her dad!!!! This is the kid that the minute she was born she proceeded to wrap everyone around her little finger and me, along with her mom and brother became her staff. When she was in daycare she used to get bored and teachers actually sent her to the pre-school classes so she could have learned to write her name and started reading around age 3-4; she has always been ahead of the curve in that respect. Her family drawings were the best and even a friend of the family who was studying to be a psychologist mentioned that she had a very strong sense of family and God forbid, if that ever changed she'd have a real hard time dealing with it.

We have enjoyed as close as relationship as a dad/daughter can have. I've never been one to shy away from any topic and we've talked openly and candidly about a lot of things. When I came out to my kids a few months ago, almost immediately she said: "You two are going to split up, aren't you?" She was probably the last thread that kept me together with her mom for so long, I knew my son would likely be OK, and the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt her--but I still did it. Her main house is at her mom's and I am lucky that at least when in school I get to see her almost every day. We sometimes get into deep conversations in which she tells me things that she says hasn't mentioned to anyone else, including mom--score for me, right?--however, sometimes I sense and feel her anger lashed at me. She'll say things like: "Dad, you're such a jerk" or "Gee dad, you're so dumb". She'll find ways to put me down, either being by ourselves or in front of other people. They may sound like innocent enough things but sometimes I sit there and wonder if I should do/say anything about it, part of me says I deserve it, I've pretty much wrecked her little life and part of me says in spite of everything I am still the dad, I should be respected.

I posed this question at the last Gay Father's meeting and received good input from other dads who have gone or are going through a similar situation. Among their thoughts were:

1. You're not her friend, you are her dad. You need to demand respect from her.
2. She probably has no other venue to express her anger/anxiety and although it might suck, she probably feels safe enough venting it on you, which is probably the better part, rather than her expressing her anger in self-destructive or other type of behavior.
3. She is going through a lot of changes, biological, mental as a tween and she'd probably still lash out to you even if you were still together with her mom, that's what 11 year old females typically go through.
4. Spend a lot of time with her 1 on 1. Do activities she likes to do, share a lot of things with her that both of you enjoy (and even some that you might not, the payoff in the end is amazing!) & continue letting her know that you're still there for her in every show and deed.

I honestly liked the input received. There may be more of the thoughts I heard, but that's the gyst of what I remember. I've tried to show her how important she and her brother are (and have even included mom in some of the activities we've done). The perspectives helped me see things not just from the "Look at me, I'm the abused one" in the relationship. So are there any additional thoughts or input that anyone might have? Any other pointers I can follow or anything else I need to be aware of? For what is worth I grew up with 5 sisters, but by the time this age hit for most of them I was much older and on to doing my own thing and don't remember any of it.

Coming Out At Work

Don't worry, I didn't send a universal email announcing it to everyone :-)

I had written before about talking two of the 'family' that I had been affraid to come out in the past. I had talked to one of them after running into him at the gay bar, his response was very positive and supportive, nothing unexpected. The other one is a peer (we do the same job) and he had been transferred out to another office, but was working in the same building last week. I asked him for some 1 on 1 time and then went on to explain what is going on. I had possibly suspected that one of the people that I had already told may have talked to him, but to my surprise none of them had (which is great to count on people like that, rather than worry about grapevine rumors--even if they are true--being spread all around).

So after I came out to this peer he told me that he had suspected it in the past, but since I was married and had children and all, didn't honestly give it too much thought. He went on to tell me that he was there to support, help and do whatever he could to make things easier for me, that my personal business were not that of the entire office/organization and that he would maintain the same level of respect. Not bad, not bad at all.

So turns out that the ones I was affraid to talk to: I had nothing to fear...

The workers in my team did tell me about one of their suspicions, though: They see me texting someone and smiling at times and they all think I have a girfriend they think I'm dating; I told them I'm pleading the 5th on that one...if they only knew!!! :-)

Good times--Christmas Report

Much better than expected---ok that's the Reader's Digest Version. :-)

I had to work on Thursday while still finishing and putting things together for the kids, their mom and a couple of other people. I had been warned by my daughter that I might not be invited to the family (in-laws) dinner and I had sort of prepared myself for the disappointment mentally until I was asked to be there by her mom promising that there would be no drama (ha!).

Still just to make sure I wouldn't get a last minute surprise I grabbed the kids, took them to my place and had them open the presents I had for them. As I did this I was handed two boxes in a very non-consequential tone--kind of a "hey, I don't want to but here are your presents anyway"--nothing really outstanding; sure the gesture was certainly appreciated especially since I didn't have to actually write what I wanted, how much and where to get it and then having to actually go and get it myself as I had in the past couple of years....ok....Dinner with the family was nice, so was exchanging presents. When I was getting ready to leave, I pulled the kid's presents to their mom and then handed her mine. I think she was taken by surprise because she said: "OMG sorry we didn't get you something nicer" to which her mom immediately and without missing a beat said: "I'm sure he wasn't expecting anything from you anyway..." I just said my good nights and left without much more. Sure, no drama--(well, not much anyway).

I had made plans to attend a Midnight Christmas service. I'm glad someone had the sense to share this with me. I sat in an unfamiliar church listening to choirs, orchestra music, a tiny little sermon and right at midnight all lights were turned off, we had been handed candles and the pastor only kept one main candle on in the church from which he drew light to share to the other ones and the light made it all around the church in less than a minute. He had referenced The Savior, the Light of The World and how His light was shared to everyone, who then became our own light and enough to share with others. The illustration was brilliant and nothing like I had experienced before. Right after that we sang Silent Night and I lost it then. I sobbed uncontrollably, I'm sure letting all the anxieties and stresses of the season out. I hope I didn't freak the person who I was with too much, but he just held me there allowing me to just let it all out...

See, this person had surprised me a couple of days before with an extremely nice Christmas present, nothing I had possibly imagined or guessed and yet he had taken the time to listen and pay attention to enough details in my life to put it all together. I am amazed not only at the present itself but the time it took to concoct it all together, just for me... No one had ever done anything of that magnitude for me ever before, the gesture was far more impressive than anything.

---I don't mean to rag on my ex, but this is one of the things that we had not ever connected on, sure it is nice to give and get presents and other things in life, but year after year I had been either handed things just like the two boxes mentioned above or told to just go get whatever I had picked out, no sense that any thought/care had ever been given on my behalf and of course, I sat there and took this form of abuse because in my mind, I deserved it... For all I know I could have been happy with a box of matches, as long as there had been some kind of thought put into it. Sure I could have started doing the same thing myself, but in my mind, you don't do that to the person(s) that mean the most in your life -- but I digress...

I was shown so much love, not just by this person, but several other friends/family this season. I'm sure many of them must have imagined how hard it might be this time around and reached out to me. My heart was touched beyond words over and over with simple things like a call, a text, a Christmas card... I'm glad the experience was awesome and as I told someone, I was very worried about the anxiety and loneliness but instead I was surprised to be able to enjoy time to relax and rest, feeling more touched by everyone's care and reaching out with their own lights and making me feel very blessed!

Christmas wishes and dreams...

Last year about this time I was on a downward slope with my life. I hated everything about the season, I wanted to do nothing with people and to say that I was in a funk was putting it lightly; I was depressed.

What a difference a year makes. I wasn't sure I would ever come to the point I am in now. I always worried about the pain and angst that it would cause to come out, admit to my wife/kids who I really was, but my pain and angst were also starting to show by making their lives miserable (or so I'm told); so the best way to deal with it was to pull the Band-Aids I had been using to keep everything seemingly together and let the wounds bleed. Six months have gone by and sure, things are still difficult and uncertain to a point, but I feel full of hope and possibilities.

When the holiday season started I thought: "Oh no, here we go, depression just come in and take a spot in my life, let's see how I'm going to deal with you this year!". But instead I've found that it hasn't been that hard. Sure, it has been somewhat stressful and challenging but it is nothing like it has been in the past years. I have also tried to have a better attitude and just enjoy the times. Of course it has helped that I can focus on my kids, whatever little things I can do and ways I can show them I love them.

I have also been having strange dreams about my ex. The freak me out completely and I don't know what to make of them. Often times in the dreams I think: WTF? Why are we here, where are the kids? What's going on? and then it dawns on me that I'm dreaming and my alarm clock usually goes off shortly after that---What in the heck does REM sleep have to do with that? I guess I'll have to do some research about it... or not!

This posting is just all over the place, but hey, that's how my life usually runs anyway. I'm wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, hope that you all have a great season of love and good times!

December's Topic: When I knew

I'm following Abelard's monthly topic and I had a pretty good time reading Scrum Central's .

My earliest memory about this topic would be sitting in the men's locker room and realizing that there were naked men all around and I could not take my eyes off of them. I couldn't have been more than 8 or 9 years old...the feeling and sensation of that experience were something I'd never had before. The next time was probably a few years later (likely 12 or 13) when I opened my parent's Reader's Digest and there he was, an athlete (possibly a baseball or football player) in his red-colored briefs for an underwear ad...O M G !! The same feelings I had in the locker room came rushing back. If I had I hid that magazine and looked at that one page from time to time.

The feelings (or should I say the signs!!!) were all there, watching TV shows, I used to love to watch the Brady Bunch reruns because I had the biggest crush on Greg and Peter. I loved watching Little House on the Prairie because I loved watching Mr Ingels and Laura's husband, no other reason, LOL. Movies? Do I even have to go there? I likely spent the next few years watching hottie men on film and TV and crushing on them big time.

But for me when I probably realized I was gay and it wasn't going to change was about three months after I was married and feeling the lust after noticing a very handsome man---yeah that way--wanting to rip his clothes off and find out what it was all about. I should have paid attention much sooner, but hey, some of us are slow learners!!!